The machine,
Mr. Bert Kreischer, everybody. Let him hear it. [cheers and applause] I fought a bear one time. [laughs] I know--It sounds
as ridiculous to me as it does to you. But I used to have a show
called <i>Hurt Bert.</i> It was on FX,
and I used to take new men's dangerous jobs. Every week,
it was a brand-new guy, and I took
his dangerous job. So you can imagine
the excitement I got when I had--when I got a call
one morning and they said, "Hey,
do you want to fight a bear?" I was like, "Who does that
for a living?" And they're like,
"You do on Thursday." So I show up on set,
and it's a real grizzly bear. It is a 9-foot bear
sitting on a park bench just-- A vacant look in-- As dumb as you think
a bear would look. So I walk up.
I'm 28 years old. I don't know any better. I stick my hand
in front of his nose so he can get my scent, and the trainer
loses his shit. He goes,
"What are you doing?" I was like, "I'm letting--
He's getting my scent." He goes,
"This is a grizzly bear, not a labradoodle." He goes,
"That's not how we do it. We have protocol
around here." I said, "Okay, what am I
supposed to do?" He goes, "Take these," and he hands me
five marshmallows. He goes, "When the bear's
not looking, "take a marshmallow,
put it in your mouth. "Then, discreetly walk
in front of the bear, "just casually,
show him the marshmallow like-- "And allow the bear
the opportunity to engage you. "He needs to engage you "and take the marshmallow out
of your mouth with his mouth. This way, he'll learn
to trust you." And I was like,
"[bleep] that. "Who thought of this,
the bear? Is this the bear's idea?" He's like, "Hey, buddy,
this is how we do it," and my whole television crew
is behind him like... ♪ This is how
we do it ♪ It's my second TV show ever.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm 28, and I want--
So I'm like, "All right. I don't care.
I'll do it." So I take five marshmallows,
I hide behind the bear, and like David Blaine,
I whip one into my mouth. Then nonchalantly
walk in front of the bear like a street hooker,
like... [moaning] And the bear goes from vacant
to excited, just... [snorts and roars] And I'm going... [muffled crying] And he starts jumping. [roars] And I'm going... [cries] And he rushes me and tongues it
out of my mouth. Tongues it. Bears never brush
their teeth. I'm making out with a homeless
person five times in a row. And I'm like... [retching] We get done,
and the trainer goes, "Fantastic.
We're ready." I go, "Hold on.
I haven't learned anything." He goes, "You kidding me? "You learned the most important
lesson of the day, and that is,
the bear likes marshmallows." I go, "What's that mean
for me?" He goes, "Listen,
if you get in trouble, "just very confidently say
'marshmallow,' "and what'll happen is,
the bear will hear that, "and he'll give you some space
to do your marshmallow trick. "But we'll hear it,
we'll know you're in trouble, and we'll get you out of there;
that's your safe word." I was like, "Yeah, but he thinks
they're inside me." He's like, "You'll be fine.
Let's go!" And the bear--
I swear-- And I know you're gonna go,
"Bullshit." The bear was smiling.
He was-- He's got that look
in his face like, "I know how to get marshmallows
around here, bitch." And he runs up to me, and I can't express it
perfectly. It's like being
in a car crash, the most helpless
I've ever felt. He grabs me by the ears,
both paws, lifts me off the ground
effortlessly, and starts trying
to shake marshmallows out of my ass, just... [roars] And I'm going,
"Marshmallow, marshmallow. Marshmallow!" But no one can hear me 'cause there's
a 9-foot grizzly bear going... [roaring] All of a sudden,
he drops me, and that is at the moment
that I thought I was gonna die. He lets go,
and I'm like, "Thank God." Then his fingernail
grabbed my belt loop, just snagged it,
and he spun me doggy style and locked on
in a bear hug, just... [roars] Grinding gently
on my ass, just-- Now we're both facing
the same direction. I'm looking at the crew,
the trainer, going, "Marshmallow.
Marshmallow, marshmallow." Everyone's laughing
except for the trainer, who looks panicked. He waves and catches eyes
with me and goes, "Go limp!" I'm like, "Please be talking
to me right now. "A--Is there a bear [bleep]
climbing up my jeans?" About to split center seam,
just-- [strained]
"Marshmallow." So I go limp.
I go limp. Now it looks like I'm getting
date raped by a bear, just-- I slide out of his paws,
land on my back, and that's the last thing
I remember, because apparently
his instincts took over and he sat on my face. My wife, who I had been dating
for three months at the time-- I had invited her to the set
so I could impress her. My wife's not afraid
of big animals at all. She goes over to the bag
of marshmallows, grabs a marshmallow,
puts it in her mouth. Stands by my feet
and goes-- The bear then takes his balls
out of my mouth, walks over to her. They pull the bear to one side,
her to the other. They drag me under a tree,
and I wake up in the lap of my producer
Tim Scott. I open my eyes.
I look at Tim. It's the first thing I see,
and I was like, "What happened?" He was like, "Well, you got
raped and tea-bagged by a bear. You might want
to get tested." And he's like, "That chick--
that LeAnn chick, I think
she saved your life." And I look over,
and my wife, at that moment, is coming running over to me,
and it's like-- It's out of a movie,
and I know you're gonna go, "Really, is this how
this [bleep] happened?" Well, it's my narrative, okay? She leans in.
Her head blocks the sun. There is a halo
from the Lord himself, or herself--
I don't care. And she is staring down at me,
and she says to me in her Southern accent,
"Are you okay?" And I look back at her
with the sun caressing her face, and I knew without a doubt
in that instant, at that very moment--
You're like, "Really? That's when you knew?"
Yeah, that's when I knew. I would've never done that
for her. Thank you, guys. [cheers and applause]
