Andrew Schulz - INFAMOUS (2022) FULL SPECIAL

hey and now this is the moment you've all been awake apart [Applause] of New York City he is the reigning defending on disputed heavyweight champion of the world the one the only the infamous Andrew foreign [Applause] that's how you start a [ __ ] show right there but all right let's see what we working with what's is that yours right there bro Latina okay you gotta be careful with her you on birth control maybe maybe not now you need certified yes from them okay don't [ __ ] with that pull out method with Latinas you come on a Latin girl's stomach her belly button just opens up and takes that [ __ ] in dog like [ __ ] hungry hungry hippos in there dog you gotta come on her back that's why they call them wet backs now God everybody everybody we're just getting started guys we just getting started okay what's up white boys how is storming the capital good they're early too huh day early just tailgating his [ __ ] [Applause] I'm not gonna lie I miss Trump man [Music] not like that calm down q and on [ __ ] it's a comedy special not a Cracker Barrel relax lady I'm not talking about the politics okay but the entertainment was that you Indian girl oh [ __ ] I was about to say you putting a non and Q Anon for sure right there [Applause] pertaining as [ __ ] right like for four years he had our group Chats on fire it was unbelievable it's like in the middle of night for your boy like yo turn on the news he's making fun of crippled people you're like there's no [ __ ] way there's no [ __ ] way he's the president United States of America it's not me watch him breaking bad there's no way making fun of [ __ ] people turn on the news [Applause] full T-Rex dog cocked his [ __ ] dropped it beating his chest like Matthew McConaughey bro it was every week remember that [ __ ] yo turn the news you're shooting paper towels with Puerto Ricans you're like there's no [ __ ] way there's no [ __ ] way this is impossible okay they just had a hurricane they're sitting in four feet of water there's no way he went down there and shot the paper towels at these poor Puerto Ricans turn on the news jab step fade away I don't care what your politics is it was an unbelievable time can we agree on that it was unbelievable time and now we got Biden and uh what a [ __ ] snooze Fest this guy is doing this he's bored I'm sure he's a nice guy but he's [ __ ] boring okay be honest is there anybody here who loves Joe Biden we have any Taliban in here is there anybody foreign you're a Taliban go home bro you're free you got your country back you're not really Taliban you're just Afghani you're from Pakistan that's not even the same [ __ ] you racist [ __ ] and who's this black dude co-signing everything you're doing what the [ __ ] is going on up there wait a minute are you black or are you where he's from you're from Somalia hey hey you changed up once you got over here that's a fact got them braces you are not the captain now you [ __ ] mother I'm over with Captain Crunch did you see the teeth in that [ __ ] space [Applause] I'm just saying he's [ __ ] boring like be honest with me right now do any of you love Joe Biden no my Biden ain't got no merch like that's how I judge presidents now bro can you move merch or can you not because Trump have merch bro that Mega hat was iconic but that was white people's teardrop tattoo that's what that was yeah he don't give a [ __ ] in public not in public the hat is the last thing you put on your body before you leave the house but some people look at their hat like how difficult do I want my day to be [ __ ] it I choose violence today I used to love seeing that hat in a while bro because I'm from New York nobody ever has a hat you never see a maggot in New York so when I'm on a road I'm just waiting for it because the energy around the Hat was amazing right because the people that wear the maggot I don't know if you notice this but they're always in the best mood smiling ear to ear just cheesed up because the hat does all the [ __ ] talk right they're just walking around like hey Hector how you doing but [ __ ] whoa bro Mega make Amigos go away Hector you know what this is thank you I remember the first time I saw a Maga had confrontation and these are the best I'm talking about in real life I'm not talking about Twitter I'm talking about real life Maga hat confrontation I was in Minneapolis Minnesota and I saw okay uh I'm in Minneapolis Minnesota actually you know I'm lying I was actually in East Saint Paul but nobody knows what that is so I said Minneapolis but I had to be honest with you right now even though there's a [ __ ] special taping now we got to edit around the whole goddamn thing [ __ ] leave it in in this piece of [ __ ] in the balcony I had to say yeah Minnesota and I can't lie to you people okay I was in [ __ ] New Brunswick New Jersey now I'm in Minneapolis Minnesota okay foreign Baskin Robbins okay and I saw a dude wearing a Maga hat and uh the fun thing about it was uh he wasn't ordering ice cream he was working at Baskin Robbins okay he wasn't a GM he wasn't basking he wasn't Robbins he's just a regular minimum wage employee serving up ice cream Maga bro just staring at people vanilla only today thank you ain't gonna be no rainbow no chocolate nothing just pure Christian vanilla ice cream the way God intended ice cream and countries to be made so I'm staring is doing like yeah it's going down this is the guy Summer's gonna happen right all of a sudden this couple walks into the Baskin Robins and the couple is wearing matching Vikings outfits head to toe Vikings okay it's July it's not even preseason these are Bonafide lunatics these people just walking around town full Vikings outfits right the couple walks in the girl in The Viking couple starts to get a little upset when she sees the mag I don't know what she's saying but I know it's white woman rage I know what it is right I got a white fiance I know about this stuff okay there's a problem that has nothing to do with me I need to solve it right it's just you're offended I'm bored let's do something about it I need to stand up for my black friends I don't have no all of a sudden the girl Viking breaks away from her boyfriend B lines it for the Maga hand dude walks right up to him and goes how the [ __ ] could you wear that hat immediately I'm like he's shooting his [ __ ] this [ __ ] is dead this [ __ ] is dead she don't even know it that second amendment she is [ __ ] dead I got my phone out landscape I'm ready I'm ready you think I'm missing this you think I'm missing this I zoomed out 0.5 I zoomed out 0.5 somehow got Android phones YouTube Port even understand what that is okay get a real phone like an adult all right stop [ __ ] up the group chat with your green text we don't appreciate WhatsApp we don't care about your little third world group chats okay what you discussing over there they build a well in your hometown what's happening [Applause] I'm [ __ ] ready to go I'm so wide I'm gonna get the bullet leaving the gun entering her forehead I'm posting that I'm viral it's over it's a wrap this chick keeps on laying in on this dude screaming you know what those had stand amen you know what those hats stand for for the abuse of Batman and I'm just looking at this [ __ ] like you're wearing a viking outfit I don't know if you're familiar with Viking history but they were the first grab them by the [ __ ] people for thousands of years we're grabbing [ __ ] and we're so crazy we named the football team after them would never have a team called the colorado Cosby's you know that's I'm not gonna lie that'd be a fun game to announce though looks like another come from behind victory for the Cosby's this weekend it's like every time they catch him sleeping Jim do you notice this watching him sleeping it's good to see him spike in end zones not cocktails though I will say that's an improvement for The Cosby's so I'm looking at this Viking [ __ ] and I'm just like should be hating her okay but I'm actually so jealous because I'm like I wish I could walk around that oblivious toward a complete hypocrite I am I know I'm a hypocrite I gotta deal with that [ __ ] every day that's taxing Michael Jackson comes on and I gotta settle that debt I love the music but he touches toddlers right like we know he does it wait a minute does some of y'all think how many all think Michael Jackson did not touch those kids I'd rather you be honest we got another one okay okay I wish I wish I could be you every time Mike comes on you get to listen to King of Pop well I'm listening to the King of Pop and cherries you know [ __ ] Lucky You Are [Applause] I have to be honest with my feelings okay here's the reality okay I feel like Michael Jackson touched those kids but I also feel like he didn't touch enough kids for me to stop listening to his music I do feel that way I do feel that way I'm not proud of that but that is the way I feel okay you could probably feed him 10 12 more and I'm Gonna Keep listening to that [ __ ] every single time it comes off do you remember not at all keep on going Mike do your [ __ ] thing okay I know I'm wrong to have these feelings by the way I've tried to change these feelings okay I watched that documentary about them snitching ass kids I lost him I did watch him I watch it okay I'm starting with the man in the mirror all right I'm trying to change his ways I watch them I watched them [ __ ] crying the whole documentary [Music] I was molested by my hero son of a [ __ ] foreign bus driver not their hero your hero my hero growing up was Michael Jordan if Michael Jordan molested me I could walk it off probably in the freshest Jordans you've ever seen in your life hey bro where you get them shits me too over these dog don't even worry about they only got these and youth sizes homie but I said to myself I'm watching this documentary up until I find out what Mike did to those kids because once I find out what he did to the kids that's it I can't like him anymore I can't even listen to music anymore once I find out what he did to the kids and then I will move on I'm done like I got to the point and basically they said did Michael Jackson lick their [ __ ] and what I found out about me is that's not enough a licked hassle that's cleaning can we be honest here that right there you got your ass cleaned by Michael Jackson that's a Billie Jean bade young grateful bastard that's your [ __ ] licked by the greatest [ __ ] liquor in history Michael Jackson literally shaved down his nose so he could get deeper in those boys ass es do you remember MJ by the time he died he looked like Voldemort okay just a flat-faced with three holes in it like a bowling ball just head banging boy booties foreign we have to put things in perspective a licked [ __ ] from your hero if Michael Jordan if Michael Jeffrey Jordan took that glorious tongue of his you know the tongue [Applause] if he took that tongue and attacked my rim the way he attacked rims in the league grab my hips and shattered my backboard are you kidding me I'd be honored that's not even gay he's the goat that's bestiality I'm still proud of it that would be the crowning achievement of my childhood Michael Jordan licked my [ __ ] played that night and dropped 39 points I'm the reason he had the flu [Applause] Pizza Mike yeah Pizza this ass why don't you be honest with the people okay we filmed it and everything we're calling it face Jam tell the truth about what happened that night [Applause] how you guys doing good what's up hell hi just saying hi you know how long you guys been together almost three years good [ __ ] he said almost what were you doing in the beginning yo you throwing that coochie around Austin what's going on here foreign congratulations you get married you guys move in together you learn a lot of [ __ ] I learned a lot of [ __ ] about my girl when we moved in together uh I learned she's a [ __ ] psychopath uh just based on her Netflix queue that's it just I turn on her Netflix it's just every type of serial killer documentary you could imagine there's a guy who kills nuns guy who kills hookers guy who kills kids cooking show who watches who watches six hours of serial killers and then British Bake Off to wash it down how many of you ladies in here enjoy serial killer shows this is why you don't like sports I just want to let you know violent enough for you you'll be watching football you see someone unconscious on the ground and you're like okay but why is no one raping him what's going on what's going on here I'm in you already have a masking gloves on No One's Gonna know it's you put a dick in that [ __ ] man make this entertaining please is unbelievable and you know the craziest thing about it is like you ladies will watch like serial killers and [ __ ] rapists all the time and it won't change your behavior at all this is real [ __ ] she watches documentary about this dude who would uh rape women who are jogging in the park at night right horrifying tragic right after watching the documentary she went for a jog in a [ __ ] Park bro women are way braver than men it's not even close to if a single man in history was jogging in the park and got raped we're not even jogging on treadmills no more after that cardio's out the [ __ ] equation you pull up to the gym you see your boy in the elliptical you're like fam get the [ __ ] off that [ __ ] they raping dudes these days find a bench with your [ __ ] protect it definitely don't go in that rowing machine you just teasing them on that Roma [ __ ] that's a [ __ ] up headline too nobody ever talks about that but jogger rate that's a [ __ ] up headline yo don't ever let that be a headline with me Schultz is rape jogging in the parking night Souls was raped jogging in the park at night [ __ ] rest assured I was running as fast as I could it's behind me bro there's a butt naked man with running shoes chasing me in the [ __ ] park I could hear his feet hit the ground dick slapping against his stomach you'll think I'm tapping turbo a couple times Schultz was running as fast as humanly possible when an Olympic rapist a gold medalist from the rape Olympics it's probably Jamaican native fastest anyway a Jamaican gold medalist from the rape Olympics hawked him down and took that ass against his will even though he fought valiantly it's your headline you print the whole [ __ ] or nothing at all my [ __ ] family reads the newspaper how am I supposed to go to Thanksgiving my whole family look at me like yo don't pass into stuff and he already had no stuff Donovan tell them what really happened yo they don't believe me tell them what really [ __ ] happened in the park please tell them my mind was running as fast as humanly possible somebody even say it was cool running in that bar but I made him feel the rhythm feel the right I got you away boy it's about [ __ ] time foreign [Applause] ladies why are you so obsessed with the serial killer [ __ ] oh because the guy's hot Ted Bundy this is good that you said that I'm really glad you brought a Ted bunny because I asked my girl to play uh serial killer thing and we watched two together the first one we watched I turned off because it was the female serial killer Eileen mornos you know her killed three people which is like some affirmative action [ __ ] uh three people you're not a serial killer that's a DUI Sweetheart give it a rest okay it's a recall on Broccoli three people Mother Teresa killed more than three people okay sit down next one she put on was Ted Bundy and he's the goat he's the girl he's the greatest serial killer of all time is undeniable and I'll tell you why it's not because he killed 50 women that's easy anybody could do that that's I could kill 50 women with a pair of Lululemon pants that's why it works hey they're giving out free Lulu's an alley I play whack a Megan for 30 minutes I got 50 bodies that's light that's life that's lie come on come on come on come on come on [Applause] the reason he's so prolific is because he killed 50 women driving a tan Volkswagen Beetle say that again because that is impressive he killed 50 women driving a tan Volkswagen Beetle okay some of y'all drive Tesla's can't get no [ __ ] dorks the doors open by themselves never a woman's legs huh you losers my car is electric so is your flashlight virgin shut the [ __ ] up about it [Applause] I'm watching this documentary I'm like yo thank God this [ __ ] didn't drive a Porsche bro we might not have any women left in America if he was driving a Porsche a Porsche are you kidding me only reason I've finished the documentaries because I need to know the pickup line he was using to get these women into a tan Volkswagen Beetle that's a valuable line I might have a son one day and I'm gonna give him that [ __ ] instead of a car I get to the point of documentary where they share the line I will tell you guys online tonight if you want me to tell y'all okay on one condition ladies please control your [ __ ] when I say this [ __ ] please I know how powerful this line is do a Kegel just lock your [ __ ] up okay cause I want y'all soaking up and sliding off your [ __ ] seats okay it's a problem all right he would walk out of the worst car ever made walk up to a woman he's never met in his life and you go excuse me missed my car broke down you think you could help me fix it what I said to my girl was this is disgusting the way he's taking advantage of their kindness and good will what I felt burning inside of me was these chicks deserve to die okay they had it coming can you fix my car ladies you can't fix a car you can't park a car how the [ __ ] are you gonna fix the cops it's 19 70. I don't even think you were working yet you definitely were mechanics craziest part of that whole documentary they barely even touched on and that is of all the women that Bundy [ __ ] and killed there was actually one woman that he [ __ ] didn't kill kept [ __ ] and this chick I'll be walking around now like damn this [ __ ] amazing y'all that [ __ ] wow he killed you [ __ ] that's crazy that's so different that's so different he made me breakfast he made you Dad [ __ ] better check your pH sweetheart your [ __ ] was worth it you had that wolf baby I got that [ __ ] get it together thank you [Applause] all right hold on guys I got to speak to the people at home real quick listen I know a few things are different here okay the hair I'm even married now ignore that we gotta talk about important [ __ ] all right and that's you thinking you found a way around the system you're sitting there watching this on YouTube going I didn't even have to buy the special not so fast you're gonna support okay and you're gonna do that by gambling with the best gambling platform on the planet betonline.ag and using my promo code Andrew why are they the best because they sponsored this special uncensored unfiltered uncut so we love them you get to gamble on all sports NBA UFC football soccer they even have non-sports WNBA anything you can imagine you can gamble on at betonline.ag and they're matching 50 of your initial deposit okay that means you put in a thousand dollars they give you 500 free to gamble with they're only doing a up to a thousand because some of you are Maniacs but put in as much as you want bet online.ag promo code Andrew now let's get back to this special good looking couple that's all nothing else I just want to make someone feel good for a second can I just make them feel good who's that guy next to you don't know him okay which GameStop do you manage [Applause] that's [ __ ] up [ __ ] just pops in our head and we can't say it do you ever have a thought so [ __ ] up you're like damn bro I didn't even know I was capable of that [ __ ] bro the other day my girl uh my girl said we needed to get an ottoman which like the most fiance thing to do we need we need to get an ottoman God forbid we sit on the couch with our feet on the ground like peasants God forbid right we need an ottoman so when I wake up to piss in the night I have someone to slam my shins into we need the ottom so we're at Graham Barrel right I'm just wandering around I look over my left shoulder I see this Middle Eastern dude standing on this carpet now foreign thing I just looked over and went that's the best I could do that's knee jerk that's a reflex I see a middle eastern dude on a carpet I'm gonna chuckle dude I'm sorry I gave it and I shut it down real quick okay because that guy is there just so he could furnish his apartment it doesn't matter and I think he's about to take off on that [ __ ] thing okay I was 100 certain at one point in time he bends over to check the price and curls the front of the carpet I was like oh he is out of here foreign he went under the hood it's about to be fast and furious Arabian Nights In This [ __ ] he is gone but I didn't say anything I kept it in here okay because it's not life or death okay if it's not a life or death situation you keep that [ __ ] in here now don't get me wrong if we're on the edge of a cliff and it's me a carpet in the Middle Eastern dude then a pack of hyenas is closing in on us there might be some words exchanged okay I'm not gonna be too direct about it I'll probably be like what do you think we should do to get out of this predicament Middle Eastern guy next to the carpet he's looking at me like the [ __ ] you want me to do it's a whole pack of hyenas I'm like [ __ ] there's a whole new world if we just get on this goddamn carpet and go to safety show me the world okay you've seen the movie too it's a two-seater we can film this [ __ ] show me the goddamn world life or death you could say it okay life or death your prejudices start to come out I'm not even talking about racial either you know what I mean like for I won't have a doctor with an underbite that's a Prejudice I got not gonna happen I don't care if there's no correlation between the two you're not gonna walk into my surgery like okay what are we fixing today how about your jaw you [ __ ] Bulldog how dare you I'm gonna walk into my surgery looking like a cash register cha-ching let's put that thing back where it's supposed to be should we walk outside collect some rain water [ __ ] how dare you how dare you [Music] that's all I'm trying to say sometimes life or death makes even the most offensive situation tolerable okay even racist situations like for example blackface is wrong races cannot do it we agree we agree okay good blackface is wrong can't do it good can I do it blackface is wrong well I have to ask the Black Faces I can't ask the [ __ ] wrestle y'all your opinions don't matter it's up to them they make the rules lagface is wrong it's racist you cannot do it okay under no circumstances cannot do it then you see them Navy Seals commercials you're like all right well kind of sometimes you could do it right the whole Navy Seals commercial is like look how cool black face is on a helicopter look how cool blackface is on a boat backface in the water they can swim I don't know if they say that I don't know if they say that I that I might have added that part I might add it that part that's on me but I'm just saying life or death situation has changed the stakes let's say for example me and you were going on a mission to save America from high gas prices when gas like a dollar fifty America is very Progressive right we're like you have to respect all the cultures of the world guys because of five dollars were like yo they might need some democracy out there in the Middle East body see this five dollars how to make women dress like that we guess it's five dollars about it they just throwing gay people on buildings when gas is five dollars liberate those people so let's say for example you and I are going on a mission save America the mission takes place at 1am that is an important piece of the information on the call sheet you have your complexion I have the complexion of an iPhone flashlight if you don't give me blackface we're [ __ ] dead I'm a disco ball in the desert they're going to see us from a mile away it's head shots for the both of us you want to see her again you've got to paint me the [ __ ] up bro full thing you don't have to do the lips and the tap shoes that's a little bit much but you you [ __ ] up if you want to survive you're not going to let me go on that mission with you without putting on blackface for your safety just like I'm Not Gonna Let You Smile there's certain things guys there's certain things that we have to do so we get home those beautiful white teeth lighten up the night I can't take that risk I can see white people in the crowd looking for black people to see if it's okay to laugh at this joke and the fact that you're having trouble finding them is exactly the point that I'm trying to make okay it's about privilege all right I understand I have white privilege okay but you have night privilege and we need to bring those together foreign don't get me wrong we get pulled over on a ride home that's where I take care of business [Applause] they're a problem speeding must have been my Blackfoot I'll take care of it is it [ __ ] up yeah I guess it is is that your girlfriend right there how long you guys been together eight years amazing days are you on birth control [Applause] what type are you on you don't know does he just push you down the stairs once a month is how it happened sweetheart what's your birth control called tumble [Applause] he just gives you some vitamins every morning that's it you know what the [ __ ] you're taking uh is it a pill is it a like a ring it's a pill okay you went old school you got the pill that's what's up because there's a lot of birth controls out there what do you think the best birth control is ladies Plan B that's a good one that's a good one right there I guarantee she got HPV 100 but guaranteed but it's all good most of us do it is what it is you know what I mean that's chickenpox at this point you're a real one for that plan B just gobbling them [ __ ] and stuff like [ __ ] Flintstone vitamins that's what I'm talking about that's a soldier right there all right [ __ ] it leave it in I got some extra on the bedside table s what else ladies what else [Music] IUD IUD is an interesting one IUD is basically like uh this birth control USB the girls inserting their [ __ ] and they just leave it there they just stuff it in there and leave it there and then they just hope they don't [ __ ] a black guy to knock that [ __ ] out you're basically rolling the dice black do get deep in there he comes out of Prince Albert so you got to be very careful okay you got jewelry on your dick after [ __ ] chicks what else what else one more vasectomy oh is that did you get that bro you look like they left Val Kilmer in a bathtub man that's a beautiful head of hair though for sure is that yours or do you guys buy wigs together guys guys guys [Applause] she hates me now don't beat me up don't beat me up I'm a good sweet boy okay you didn't like that one that much was it wrong no no [Applause] how long you guys been together four years okay bro is he a big dick white you look big bro you look big dick because you're the black girl and you don't even have cool sneakers on so you definitely you got something dude you're packing something there man unbelievable with that guy right four years man God bless and you guys a little marriage thing popping off or what oh you're already married congratulations kids oh you made him get cut oh that's some good [ __ ] right there bro nah that happens man come fast too many times you gotta do something that's really why birth control exists man it's not it's not for y'all to get pregnant so that we can get those last two pumps very close and you're like oh [ __ ] she's like don't come right like you know who Antonio Cromartie is she knows Antonio Cromartie is his football player who has 17 kids after his 15th kid he got a vasectomy now I don't know if you guys know what a vasectomy is basically they cut the Vaz deference that's the highway from your balls to your penis hole right and it takes a sperm for balls but they just cut that [ __ ] and Antonio I'm already had two more kids after the vasectomy that's how athletic that [ __ ] was bro his sperm win there like Mario Kart Rainbow Road just hopping over to the next stop what else what else one more you said to swallow she's a keeper dog there it is she's a keeper bro that's crazy usually the people with the man bun swallow but it's cool it's cool like like it's cool that you guys have that relationship where it's equal you know what I mean because sometimes he asked for a little he's like just spit a little in my mouth [Applause] Birds foreign [Music] oh Texas we didn't talk about uh how they're taking away your scoop Scoops ladies [Applause] you're not [ __ ] up they trying to take away your scoop scoops it's unbelievable I just want to let you all know right now ladies uh I am with you I think it's your body your choice I agree with you on that 100. I agree with you when you say that men should have no say in the decisions you make with your bodies those are your decisions to make and yours alone and I feel that way because at the end of the day when we all go up to heaven and God's like why are we all killing babies we're gonna be like y'all [Applause] I think they're very clear whose decision this was God uh looks like you need to pay for your sins babe even though I paid for your sins come on y'all chivalry ain't dead to that baby as you know the rules [Applause] oh man yeah abortion abortion abortion abortion man it's a tricky one when I was living uh in my old place in New York I lived down the block from an abortion clinic and uh location location and Nobles what was this New York like it's a [ __ ] Carnival outside of there every single day like people New York and they go to like Broadway plays and [ __ ] they'll literally spend thousands of dollars to watch Harry Potter the musical when they could just stand outside the clinic and watch something really disappear fetus the leaders [Applause] I remember one time I was walking by the clinic and I saw a father and his daughter outside and his daughter looked like she was 10 years old now I don't want to divide the crowd politically here uh but for me that's a little late this is just me I'm not putting my views on you personally I think a fetus becomes a life around the third grade that that's I think that's a life I do believe that's a life okay maybe we could roll it back a few years from there but definitely if you could spell abortion we don't abort you that's just the rule that I have in my book okay so naturally I'm like yo I gotta save this girl's life I'll walk over I get a little closer it turns out he wasn't aborting his daughter thank God uh what he was actually doing was protesting the abortion clinic and I never seen this [ __ ] before in real life it was crazy like he's like heckling these girls as they go in you know he's just screaming at that you're gonna burn in hell and these girls are so New York about they're like I just have chlamydia your [ __ ] burning hell I'm burning now that's why I'm going to the [ __ ] Clinic [Applause] so I'm watching this go down and I'm torn right because naturally as a man I want to protect these women right but as a comic I love a rose right so like how do I fit in this [ __ ] and then all of a sudden this UPS employee walks into the clinic and I had to I had to at least someone wants to deliver it was the right thing to say guys he got in on it he was like same day it was unbelievable probably chemistry was there chemistry was there so I'm standing outside of clinic right next to this dude who's like very passionate about abortion I realized I've never spoken one of these guys before so I'm like I just got to talk to him so I went up to him and I was like hey man I don't want to interrupt your whole take your daughter to work day I think I think it's great you want to spend time with your family obviously not everybody here gets that I just gotta know why are you so against abortion and the guy looks at me he goes I'll tell you what change it all for me it's these new sonograms thank God a few of you guys said what we're idiots I didn't even know they upgraded the sonographs it completely to sonograms it's not like the uh back in the day they'll pay your cable remember those remember the black paper with the gray clouds on it those were portable let's just be honest right like Dr hands you that [ __ ] like an action sketch you're like we'll see you later kiddo but the new ones are HD 4D not 3D 4D you could hear the baby like gave me I'm in here what are you doing out there that's not where you hang a shirt [Applause] so I'm looking at these images right and I'm like man this is visceral this is hard to it's hard to disagree with and then I noticed all the images he's showing me are from much later on in the pregnancy so I was like hold up hold up what about early on he goes I don't care he's killing a baby I'm like but bro it's not even a baby yet he goes yeah but if you leave it there it's gonna grow into a baby so it's a baby and I was like you know what your daughter's [ __ ] hot bro this guy loses his [ __ ] mind the [ __ ] you mean my daughter's actually 10 years old what the hell is wrong with you I'm like yeah but if we leave her there foreign to a woman pops are we pedophile's a pro-life you decide now that right there was a seamless transition into an ad if I've ever seen one before Flawless Perfection and you deserve it but so does betonline.ag the greatest gambling platform on the planet gamble on whatever sport you want they have them all and I told you this earlier but I don't think you really understood what I was saying they are matching 50 of your initial deposit up to a thousand dollars you put in a grand they're giving you a free 500 to gamble with do you know how much 500 is that's a yearly WNBA salary they're just gonna give you so you can have fun and gamble as long as you use the promo code Andrew at betonline.ag you are welcome now let's get back to this special how are we gonna get on the same page ladies how are we going to get in the same page we agree on most [ __ ] right I think that we disagree a lot sweetheart like what like what really I went to one of them women's marches and we had a lot in common I saw those girls screaming Free the nipple that sounds pretty good right they're screaming we should be able to have sex with as many guys as we want yes you should if we get pregnant we should be able to abort it hopefully and we need to work so we can pay our half Hallelujah let's get down here happening we've reached Common Grounds it was unbelievable these women were fighting for the right to become the men they've always hated just walking around with their shirts off [ __ ] whoever not worried about the kid I'm like are y'all feminists or [ __ ] boys what is this [ __ ] [Applause] sand we're on the same team you know what I mean and that's good because this is as good as it gets ladies y'all can't move anywhere else and it gets better for y'all that's a fact we are [ __ ] sexist we say stupid [ __ ] like women can't drive women can't drive me but in the Middle East they're like no seriously women can't drive so we don't play that [ __ ] out here are there women driving ah man give me the [ __ ] Stones these [ __ ] out here driving gotta teach them a lesson with stones thank you I'm not saying there aren't things that y'all got to go through obviously you know like you you might have a daughter that has low self-esteem because she's comparing herself to these unrealistic images every single day and that's really [ __ ] up um but but in China you can't have a daughter so yeah you have a daughter they just mash it into an iPhone that's the policy enjoy your face time enjoy your face time there's a little Chinese girl inside every one of your iPhones why do you think when your phone breaks they say put in a bag of rice you think that's a coincidence you think that's a coincidence it's to soak up her tears okay have some respect we love y'all okay and we want to make you happy I think most guys want to make you especially sexually there's this rumor like we don't care about satisfying you that's not true at all we feel pathetic if we don't satisfy you that [ __ ] is just mad difficult we're gonna keep it a buck It's Tricky yo Clint I don't know exactly where it is I still do Ash Wednesday every time I'm down there dog right like longitude latitude you bump into it father son Holy Ghost father son Holy Ghost without enough times you get baptized [Applause] [ __ ] are tricky nobody ever stared down the barrel of a [ __ ] it was like that's how I would have designed it just like that two lips why stop it two four Double Down double down on two always add a hood I want that [ __ ] looking emo I want that [ __ ] looking like a school shooter because once a month it's a massacre down there [Applause] there's a lot of things you ladies have harder in life but satisfying the opposite sex is not one of them let's be honest it's easy to make a dude come you agree right that's not an accomplishment it is easy we have pre-cum that means before we come we come we're never not coming we turned 13 just leak for the rest of our lives you don't ever have to ask us ladies like sometimes girls are like did you come already four hours ago sweetheart that's my knee at dinner sperm are like [ __ ] shootout it just climbs to the top and then chills there like it's in a Jacuzzi at a ski resort foreign [Applause] bro it looks [ __ ] freezing out there it's just easy it has to be easier I'll be honest I I never suck dick but I could do it I know that I could do it it's positive feedback built into the dick okay you sucking a dick good hard sucking a dick bad shoelace you could be the best at eating [ __ ] in the world or diversity and [ __ ] in the world [ __ ] still stares at you like Stephen Hawking [Applause] just motionless drooling [Applause] if someone kidnapped my mom and they were like yo Schultz we're gonna kill your mom unless you either make Ted come or Rebecca come on thank you [Applause] Becca why don't you grab us some seltzers or something okay Ted and I got a life to save never tennis light work okay I go in there he's like listen when I like shut the [ __ ] up Ted sit down get your dick sucked like a man I go into Rebecca we are rolling the dice I'm down there I'm giving it everything he's up there like I feel like you're just doing this to save your mom like [Applause] so it's easier we can all acknowledge that but that doesn't mean we don't we don't make you come and we feel pathetic if we don't make you come and here's the most [ __ ] up part of it all we never know if you actually do come right there's no sign it's not like your titties light up or nothing there's nothing right the closest we have is sometimes during sex you'll be looking all beautiful and then out of nowhere you just go I don't know what the [ __ ] that [ __ ] is but it turned into big Edge from 90 Day Fiance out of nowhere you just yeah I'm trying to stuff as much dick in you as I possibly can I squeeze my butt cheeks I pump and squeeze I think I got an extra centimeter dick in my butt cheeks ain't gonna lie I squeezed my butt cheeks I might pop your head right out your [ __ ] shoulders [ __ ] around me when I squeeze my butt cheeks [Applause] we just want validation too okay and since we never know if you orgasm we got to settle for the side effects of sex all right that's why we're into the weird [ __ ] you queef we get excited okay that same exact sound comes out of your butthole repulsed for 48 hours how could you destroy the fabric of our relationship by farting in front of me like that that's disgusting that sound comes out of your [ __ ] after sex I got my hand to my ear like Hulk Hogan like let her rip baby I'm waiting for it when my girl gets off the bed after sex I'm waiting for that propeller to start spinning snaps and just oh babe you taking a flight you're going to the Bahamas or something I know you're not going to the Virgin Islands after what I've done to you it's the same thing with squirting we know his pee ladies we're not stupid obviously it's p you don't have water balloons inside you but here's the thing we don't give a [ __ ] cause we made you pee we love it we talking [ __ ] look at your sheets you see how stupid your sheets look I got crop circles on your [ __ ] sheets you see that [ __ ] yeah I might not make you come I'll make you do laundry that's a fact I do alone you do a load that's how things work around here guys thank y'all so much man thank y'all so much [Music] I know exactly how all of this goes for real for the cameras I don't like to pose when I go out a few weeks on the road one million two million three million four think that I'm stopping you got me confused a little bit who are you to say [ __ ] to me using that slope against slippery y'all type of riches and riches no more gotta be saying Russ I got it you don't gotta fight no more [Applause] [Music] foreign [Music] guys I got to give a huge shout out to betonline.ag for allowing us to put out this special uncut unfiltered and uncensored thank you guys so much okay betonline.ag literally the most trusted and best gambling platform on the planet if you're going to gamble on Sports go gamble with them UFC Football NBA and wmb I don't know if I've mentioned them at all during this special when we were doing some promos but you can also gamble on them as well make sure you use the promo code Andrew and they are matching that initial deposit 50 of it up to a thousand dollars okay I'm so grateful thank you guys and if you didn't buy this special before you just watch it now that is a great way for you to support betonline.ag promo code Andrew go get it I hope you win tons thank you guys so much for watching peace [ __ ] [Music]

Channel: The Andrew Schulz

Views: 18,872,416

Keywords: andrew schulz, andrew schultz, comedy, comedian, stand up, brilliant idiots, flagrant 2, podcast, sports, entertainment, pop culture, commentary, comedy club, near me, jokes, charlamagne, charlemange, breakfast club, interviews

Id: rCZkp023MdY

Length: 59min 49sec (3589 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 25 2022