3 HOUR Of Best Stand Up - Matt Rife & Theo Von & Others Comedians Compilation#9

mom how how old are you 67 67 hold on mom what's what's your name mom Sue Sue Sue who told you about only fans the daughter what's your link you sell Fe pics do do you actually sell Fe pics I should I got teenage daughters so I should what oh for the money I oh okay I thought I thought you meant like a collab but now was like like that's that's not cool but probably profitable Grand kid love your grandkids love me how how old are the grandkids 14 and 17 that's terrible parenting they should not know who I am at all you're man why would you lie to them that is they're going be good their hopes where's where are their where are their dads or dad it could be single I didn't I didn't I didn't even mean it like that you [ __ ] [ __ ] it was accidental you guys made her a [ __ ] not [Applause] me so he's at home with the kids right now and I her instead I like that I like a good mom's night out that's so cute I didn't I didn't ask though 67 is anybody older than 67 on Earth anybody if you if you had any advice to give to to everybody in here with good knees that was that sucked Sue that sucked a lot I'm not going to lie to you um you know what how would you feel if I put that on your Tombstone how would you feel you'd be like you'd be like not a lot of work put into that I was looking for some life altering advice my bedtime it's past your bedtime yeah it's almost time for you to wake up no it's 11:30 it is almost time for you to go to bed [Applause] forever did you know that it's Black History Month you did know that have you learned anything yet no oh Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy does anybody have a a black history fact or or statistic that would uh oh let's hear this white guil what was it what what do you got um um African-American um invented the super suer Lon Johnson what's that the he invented the super soer soer Lonnie John no way what's his name Lonnie what what is it John Lonny Johnson that's BR that sounds like every cornerback I used to love love the Super soer Man okay that's that's a good one what's uh what's what's another one he also invented the Nerf gun the same guy invented the Nerf gun I mean if they going to keep shooting each other might as well be safe [ __ ] y'all dude that's a good joke Man Two Can we end on a fun third we have another one nope not looking good Connecticut we've heard enough it used to only be a week long what's that it used to only be a week long till president changed it to the month Black History Month used to only be a week long and then a president changed it to to make it the whole month the shortest month yeah do you know what president it was I don't remember you don't remember I do want to know this actually it was Lonnie Johnson bro yep I was going to give it a second I was going to say the same thing bro I was going to act like I was Googling for 10 seconds Lonnie Johnson [ __ ] oh man oh we are learning we are learning some stuff there's also police officers here I met a uh officer swind officer swind did you meet officer swindale oh is that his wife that's his him oh man he said you take forever to come he said that before the show and he dared me that I wouldn't say it at the show you seriously got to work on that that's his trigger finger and they really like he's got a oh man now he said you guys have great great sex he said he beats it up like you fit a description he really do he said sometimes he lets her wear the bulletproof vest and everything they role play she puts on the bulletproof vest and then she's a [Applause] teacher sorry I'm not one of your students my bad sorry about that that's not even the last school shooting joke of the show I lived in a cre you lived in a cremator my old apartment was a cremator psylvia had the crat why do you know that who the [ __ ] just knows that statistic nerd right a nursing home is right next to a nursing home the convenience Beth there's a cemetery by the Children's Hospital come on Pennsylvania have a [ __ ] heart man you do not put a cemetery next to a [ __ ] Children's Hospital you put it next to the [Applause] school I told you there was one more I [ __ ] told y'all man I didn't know where how it was going to come but we [ __ ] we found it all right that's the last one probably this wife girlfriend wife wife congrats how long 6 years 6 years nice how long you been together well we've been married for 5 years married for 5 years together so you got married after a year yeah we have a son who's five you have a son who's five you what so you have a son who's five and you've been married for 5 years I'm sure those numbers have nothing to do with each other I'm sure you guys got married out of pure love and when you were ready I'm [Laughter] sure you'll be [Music] fine probably be all right problem where where did you guys meet six years ago at a dog park at a dog park man I know for a fact you don't even got a dog bro you the type of you the type [ __ ] to go to a dog park has anybody seen him until until somebody is like you me help look for him yeah maybe maybe he ran back to my place if he Dam she gets to his house I don't see a dog look again you adopted my 16-year-old daughter so you adopted her 16-year-old after y'all were married yeah okay I thought this was like pre- dog park I was like that's that's a bit strange same day he met three new [ __ ] in once isn't that crazy wife daughter dog dud I love a responsible stepdad man just just don't let this story end like most those movies PornHub you guys want more kids or no plenty it's plenty one boy one girl you nailed it you're fine if you knew our son you would know why if I knew your son I would know why what's wrong with your 5-year-old I'm pretty sure he's a Sil old killer you're pretty sure he's a serial killer yeah let's get him homeschooled ASAP Let's uh what is he did you guys have three dogs like what happens some of you guys got that little bit late how recently did you guys break up may okay gotta he was he did he didn't do anything he didn't do anything wrong or in life in life in life did he not have a job the entire time you guys are together he did he did he worked in the ER he worked in the ER oh I'm sorry you broke up with a hero so how did he not do anything if he if he worked at the ER was he the janitor well I guess aside from work if he didn't work aside from work he didn't do anything he was saving lives you don't think when Superman gets done he's not like [ __ ] don't think he just [ __ ] chills oh my God how much more do I have to do so you wanted him to do more with his life after the ER yes what do you do curious American Airlines you work for American Airlines oh [ __ ] you oh my God where are my bags the [ __ ] oh my God you audacity to be like oh what have you been doing saving lives all day yeah what have you been doing peanuts can you put your seat back up this much please are you are you are you a steward on that I work in a baggage service you work in a baggage [Applause] service and knowing that you work in baggage an airline just lets me know how terribly you treated his [ __ ] when you were throwing him off you see people unloading baggage from the plane they're like this is why there's always two sides to every stord cuz in the beginning you guys are like yeah you don't need to date a low life and you were like oh he's a really good guy boy up front what if you had to choose what would you say is your is your biggest fear scare of the dark too scare of the dark too [ __ ] let's go let's go that's us man you and I NightLight gang is this your lady yes sir girl just girlfriend and did you know he was afraid of the dark it was a learning experience it was a learning experience because I know how this experience went down he stayed over at her house and kept the TV on and she was like how long are you going to watch this movie for he was like till the sun comes up [ __ ] you go to sleep okay do you know what your girl's biggest fear is no I don't you don't know oh man do you want to fill them in fish how do you think he feels and that's why you can't eat [ __ ] in the dark two fears coming together to make one you guys are going to be okay next time she acts up dog take this [ __ ] to an aquarium [Music] if it doesn't work out remember there's plenty of fish in the sea okay both of you it's cute but also manageable you know you don't work near the dark do you you don't work a night shift or anything where do you work my boy law enforcement law enforcement so you really hate the [Applause] dark [Applause] you can beat his ass if you want to man no stop me not one person it's our house tonight all right you can [ __ ] him up no [Applause] [Laughter] consequences sorry you're just the only black dude within a 100 rows so thank you very much man what was your name bro sge sge great to meet you my Niagara apprciate you [Applause] so no gun that's a walkie talkie all right you chill the [ __ ] out fish boy your cookies do I want well what kind are they chocolate chip are they soft chocolate chip or like the the hard ones Sal can I have one oh they're [ __ ] massive can I have the whole thing are you sure if this is poisoned I swear to God ad oh my God it could be Edibles oh I don't know Chicago cut to 45 minutes from now can you guys feel my [Applause] jokes be my [ __ ] nightmare bro it is very good where are this from crumble that like a local Chicago place no is a it's a chain boo who booed cookies what you have against crumble dog you a rival bakery or something you got Ops out here you don't [ __ ] with crumble no why not cuz they crumble and I heard they don't [ __ ] it's in the [Applause] name yeah you name a a a bakery they stay together and see how well your business does just [ __ ] biting on bricks and [ __ ] that's solid advertisement they never LED you astray even once do you have the cutter with you with the crumble there's like there's a cutter a cutter yeah oh there's a cookie cutter that comes with the cookies you it even though they've already been cut oh it cuts them in a slice CU they're so [ __ ] big oh again another perk I'm tired of you having a problem with all the positivity with this Bakery anybody else see this picture moving this [ __ ] really thinked but I freak the [ __ ] out bro black dudes are the funniest people of the that's a black dude for sure I know black dudes laugh that's all I did all of February I just fell asleep the black dudes Laughing Man like that was my ASMR that brings me such Joy what's your name bro Tori man who you here [Applause] with man I've never been more sure somebody's with a side chick in my life [Applause] black dudes answer you without even answering they really do who you here with ah what's that I said we good ain't nobody's camera's out you all right man you're okay but don't start no [ __ ] man cuz I'll [ __ ] boom got your ass boom got you on camera to suspicious oh man I hope I get a side chick someday just go do all the things I'm not supposed to in public and [ __ ] no side one more time no side just the main that's the that's your main girl yeah you felt the need to reiterate that just to make sure what's that you almost got me in some [ __ ] you almost got you in some [ __ ] man okay this is your one and only girlfriend no don't do that don't sit down all right sit down stop making this woman think [ __ ] Tori [ __ ] you okay do not do that don't say that no you don't you don't know who's sitting back there who's the girl you know I know Britney you know [Applause] Britney he broke up with Britney forever ago right next subject next subject what you don't like talking about black [Applause] history chapter one [Music] Britney Bry you said everybody knows Britney Britney sound like a hoe now everybody knows her I love you Tori love you baby you already know hey Tori don't say that you a cool ass dad you know that 100% you have any sons yeah you know how many [Applause] and hey my bad L bro my bad my bad homie oh my God I almost [ __ ] your son how crazy is that that's crazy man oh my God young lady how old are you 20 20 never mind so are you in college are you in school yeah what are you studying house Sciences house Sciences Health Sciences that's going to be legit Psychiatry we [ __ ] say that nerd you know what I mean like I didn't go to college clearly you going to med school after this yeah are y'all in med school engineering this is the Battle of progressive women oh man this is what I like to see man y'all have to kiss or something dad what do you do for it me yeah he renewable energy oh you got money is solar solar yeah I don't have anything for that sometimes he like a regular respectable he's making the world better and [ __ ] just trying to provide a bright future for his sons there we go we found it I was like I don't know if I can think of something we [ __ ] got it got it stupid question to ask what is an engineer I meet them all the time around the country it's a very normal job I know it's a good job like what does an engineer do Bob the Builder but upgrade Bob the Builder upgrade is that really it I thought I thought it was something totally different oh okay never mind you're back in the lead is this the boyfriend that you're with m what what what you what you do man uh marketing marketing yeah what do you Market water sell water you sell water oh man this is kind of the worst place to do it it's everywhere have you tried Michigan just graduated college you're telling me boys that you're telling me boys in college know how to find the foot well that's not even a real thing first and foremost um I'm starting my masters right now what are you getting your Masters in criminal justice criminal justice what do you want to do with that um at the end of the day like FBI CIA but you don't start there so FBI CIA for real are you going to find the clip what think it's a missing person he was laugh seen in a canoe where do you know this guy from we actually met in college with my ex-boyfriend now are you two better friends than you and than her ex and you are at this point we dit T oh you get both of guys aren friends with that guy crazy I mean like mama's boy hypocritical Catholic and a mascot a mascot mascot what was the mascot a m the bow and he loved that so much that he graduated became the mascot for the Omaha beef a football team here the Omaha beef there's no way there's a team called the omah indoor football team indoor foot like lingerie unfortunately oh man and then he also became the mascot for the uh the Union Omaha soccer I'm sorry I can't get over Omaha beef I really an indoor football team I hope there I hope you guys I'm an indoor lingerie League that's called the Omaha beef curtain name Jan [Applause] yes do you know Tanner you work with him are you the beef curtains [Applause] mascot he moved to Texas now he just took a profession mascot job he took a professional mascot job where he wouldn't say but it's like Min League something minor leagues I didn't know there were like minor league mascot um like hierarchies I didn't know you could like work your way up to being the pros I thought like Pro mascots was like rock bottom for people well what's usually your type besides mascots uh I slept with a pilot you slept with a pilot yeah yeah like Spirit Airlines or like or like Navy jet P pilot like Air Force Air Force Southwest yeah I feel like he was a Southwest pilot wearing Air Force Ones where did you meet him um we worked at the dining hall together at our College oh yeah he worked at the college as well and he went on to become a pilot in the Air Force that's kind of cool he's like in the process you still got to graduate he's not even a pilot so you haven't [ __ ] a pilot you [ __ ] with a guy who likes planes you may have [ __ ] an autistic [Applause] guy you said it like he crashed what airline my Airline how long did you date him for um a year you gave it a chance and why didn't it work out fun fun would you say he's plain that was so stupid that was so stupid oh there you are me yeah you me no no I looked over I was like there's an empty chair there I was like where'd she go you were taking a [ __ ] it's fine it's fine no one's going to out everybody oh I'm embarrassing you in front of everybody okay [Applause] Wednesday wait Wednesday Adam yeah Wednesday Adam you just got it a you're sweet I'm just [ __ ] with you I love you I love you too oh really yeah I was just making sure in the bathroom that I look good for you that's it you were just making sure in the bathroom that you look good for me yeah do a double [Applause] take oh my God this is fun oh [Music] [ __ ] can I tell you you look pretty just to make you feel better first of all you never need a man to tell you you [Applause] look so no no you you look great you look great you yes I meet it me the we just we're going to meet out in the back no no I love you too you're very sweet yeah yes I love watching you oh man I wish you would love listening to me you look so good one of us asked to I'm kidding you guys can't steal me she she is very beautiful happy birthday is your birthday that explains it how old are you turning 21 21 that explains would you like the rist man love it come [Music] here you're very thank you oh you guys do match you guys have matching snake skin boobs it's both snake skin python yeah python [ __ ] yeah not not none of those gardener snake [ __ ] are coupled up obviously matching nice how long 5 years 5 years where'd you meet in North Carolina in North Carolina that's specific where we met at a bar you met at a bar well yeah I was underage and drunk hey stop talking stop talking stop talking stop talking stop talking stop talking stop talking under 21 under 21 okay sorry you almost ruined the show he approached you or you approached him I don't remember you don't remember also not a good sign H what do you guys do basket Weaver basket Weaver what the [ __ ] bro you married to a [ __ ] hunter gatherer what the [ __ ] you work for the [ __ ] Easter Bunny dog it's coming up that time of the year that's actually how he got her at the bar he just he laid down a trail of eggs it was like and then he had one of those big picnic baskets up on a stick like this and then she went underneath it he went got her like a [ __ ] Looney Tune how long you been doing that for five years five five years did she take your [ __ ] manhood dog what did you do beforehand work at a steal Mill oh my Cola are you serious man made you start weing baskets um I Heard sorry do you like it yeah come on man it's just us you enjoy the job it's fine it's all right what would you like to do if you can do anything in the entire world any job fly helicopters fly a helicopter interesting man I I used to love helicopters but I'm also a Lakers [Applause] [Music] fan he and you know what's [ __ ] up he's wearing a black mamba on his feet can I see one of the boots are you able to take one of them off it's the real deal man [Applause] is smell is boo what the [ __ ] wrong with you people Jesus Christ so stupid as as if I would ever I will ask you man a man what would you say is your biggest fear I don't like clowns you don't like clowns either is it is this your lady you're with yes girlfriend wife fi fiance congratulations don't [ __ ] it up woo how how long you guys been together 3 years 3 years and did you know he was afraid of clowns you didn't and you've been wearing all this makeup the whole time you didn't know he was not afraid of clowns you were about to marry a man you didn't know you couldn't take to the circus seems like Vital Information do you guys have kids five five God okay even children demon children one lives in my dad's house one lives in your dad's house is that your [Applause] sister there's a three Spirits one's a guy two our women and a demon child in the house there's three Spirits one one's a guy one's a woman and one's a child one got murdered one one got murdered and one was a a Madam and one's a one was a Madam M sounds like your dad's run at a wh house where does he live I'm going to check out these demons these Sean demons some of these broke [Applause] ghosts it attacked to the two of the tenants did they not pay that's how it works that's how brothel works I don't think you need an exorcism I think you need a pimp somebody to keep [ __ ] in order you know no that's actually not how it works thank you though I appreciate it if you want to write the show for me you can do it not how it works and this is this is this a super funny common thing people come to the show and they think because they just see crowd work on line that that's like literally all the show is wrong it's a very small portion and I've actually never really had a chance to explain this on stage the reason I don't get I don't really get annoyed about that unless you keep doing it um because I'm I'm a lot of people's like first experience at a comedy show I'm actually genuinely curious who here has never been to a comedy show before see see a lot of people have no idea how it works so the reason I post crowd work stuff is because you're coming to see me right and how Comedy Works is you you for for a year sometimes 2 3 years you work on building an hourong set of material right but when you do that it takes so long to do that so imagine if I posted the same jokes you'd already just seen you'd be pretty pissed off if you just paid to see the exact same jokes you saw online right so crowd work is something that can't really be duplicated so it's something that happens uniquely at each individual show and I get to share that experience you get to go oh he's funny what else does he have we'll go see him and [ __ ] save him that's how it works so we already did a little bit of crowd work we'll see what happens later if you can afford front row seats next time maybe you'll be the [Applause] one with five kids too God damn man y'all should be in the back back dog providing for a whole family family out here what do you do by the way do you work are you a mom you're a massage therapist okay sounds like you work at her dad's house there we did some crowd work bro you scared the [ __ ] out of me dog bro I'm Chris Rock though I'll kick you in your chest bro I swear to God are you dapping me or you want the hoodie or my wallet what do you want careful dog careful Hood do y'all watch Criminal [Applause] mindes all right hey one handsome [ __ ] at a time dog you have some fun I ain't got jokes like this [ __ ] right here I'm Mo I told when I got here I've been watching him on YouTube and I I'm meeting him for the first time tonight I'm seeing him live and in person like a lot of us I'm sure for the first time that I've been watching me and my girl my baby mom and and my girl comes to me and she's like Shamar you're the sexiest mother [ __ ] the world you're the father of my daughter but I want to [ __ ] M right check this out we going go meet the [ __ ] but you ain't going to f but the the reason I'm here is because I like seeing [ __ ] win I like seeing [ __ ] win and this this young white boy who wants to say niggga so bad because all his friends are black but he can't say it CU it get when he comes to my house I'm going say get it out of s [ __ ] the reason I'm here is because I've never met this man I just watched him on YouTube and I was like yo this [ __ ] is funny and he's pretty and and no like pretty people ain't supposed to be funny Kevin Hart is not pretty he's short and he's funny Chris talk [ __ ] d d Chappelle is Rich As [ __ ] he's not pretty true I'm pretty godam I was I was old broke shoes on this [ __ ] is pretty but he's honest he's real and he's funny and I DM him like a [ __ ] and he DM me back like a [ __ ] so now we got a romance going on and I said I want to come to your show and I'll pay you like a [ __ ] but he did give me the tickets for free so I'm going to get off this stage but I just want to say I believe that this dude is on his way he [Applause] SS I believe you are going to see Matt right and whatever is in his heart and all all his jokes and all of that stuff I want to see this [ __ ] in front of a bunch of Nicks because I think he can handle himself but my point is let's applaud The Bravery the boldness the Unapologetic not right and let's [Applause] watch appreciate you man thank you brother thank you man than you br can I add it he's stealing go stairs this way yeah be careful one more time for Tay digs okay a Nat wait was what oh did you see it [ __ ] say something next time we have big Nats here they're like big Nats here I think those are called flies dude hold on dude do I have it do I have it Moment of Truth did I drop it let's [Applause] go [ __ ] it fell out when I opened my hands D I'm an assassin bro I [ __ ] you well Show's not going to get better than that so think we should all get out of here and go to [ __ ] Bass Pro Shop or whatever y do here what's in there can I have it yeah yeah I'm a mil you're a mil with the just you got kids don't mean you a mil Lunchables thank you so much all right you don't need to I can see there's a lot in here you don't need to hand me all of them okay thank you thank all right so we'll save some for your children maybe I'm going to put them back in here W look it's a Missouri salad wait wait wait it's combos wait is a folder yeah is it your record what the [ __ ] is it it's a sexual consent form sit [Applause] down this is legit so he goes the sit down before you're not able to you so it's it's a legitimate sexual consent form um the parties this sexual consent form is made July 12th only today huh DN don't cuz tomorrow I was open to it the proposer and consenter Matt reif not my signature by the way be very very clear about that whereas the proposer and consenter are sexually attracted to each other and would like to manifest that sexual attraction through participation in one or more sexual acts time therefore the consentor proposer make their bodies available to each other for the afor said purpose from 11:30 p.m. on the date of July 12th till for a period of 24 hours let's change that to 24 minutes and uh activities Oh there's a check there's a checklist for activities that are approved uh full body touching check kissing check digital penetration what does that what does that mean digital you put a USB in somebody's [ __ ] what does that mean fingers oh digits oh no uh oral sex receiving okay oral sex giving I'm all right the proposer is using the following methods of contraception on an ongoing basis it just says the pill I don't trust that it's not just Tylenol where do we go I'm just trying to process what we've been through in 14 minutes I almost fell killed a bald eagle is what we're going to tell people we're going to tell people it was a dangerous animal and I was raped on paper doesn't like when you go out with your friends he doesn't like when you go out with your friends are they guy friends girls single are they [ __ ] I don't know that's tricky I got to beat all your friends and are they harder than you preferably yes it's like cool all right you're not going to be the star good you're not going to be the star is that is that something you're dealing with currently yes something friends deal with it's something your friends deal with is that friend here you are the friend so you're in a relationship right now with a guy who doesn't like you going out with your girls I'm single single my boyfriend doesn't like going out with your she's the single friend that he doesn't like her going out with oh so you [ __ ] around it's not her it's him call him up I need both sides of the story right now all right this is this is your best friend I assume and now she's clashing with your boyfriend so what the [ __ ] is happening in this story right now this story has changed seven times I thought you said she was single her her best friend has a controlling boyfriend her best friend has a controlling boyfriend where is the girl with the boyfriend not here she can't come out oh there in a basement somewhere God okay oh my God she's not missing much cuz this story sucks man good luck explaining this to the cops where is she well my friend has this boyfriend who's like kind of controlling with his friend's girlfriend as we know there's a reason you put up with crazy [ __ ] in a relationship right [ __ ] y I can't see you but I want to believe that was God you know what I mean bro I'm in there I'm 52 you're 52 who you here with man my wife a [ __ ] 17 years 17 years what's your name man Troy Troy great to meet you Troy 16-year-old daughter why why are you telling me [Applause] that that seemed like a setup didn't it what's up I'm Troy been married 17 years have a 16-year-old daughter don't mind the math on that definitely got marriage set of force but she's fine as [ __ ] and ready to mingle why you like why you pitch your family like it's the beginning of an episode of next on MTV remember that [ __ ] what's up I'm Troy I'm 52 I love [ __ ] I got married cuz she got pregnant what would you say is the key to keeping things fresh and exciting after 17 years though space space I know she means like personal space but I want to believe like they only jerk off to like videos of the Milky Way you know what I mean like they they just [ __ ] to like audio books by Neil degrass Tyson n you got [ __ ] you ever [ __ ] to space I don't want to hear about your wife's black holes dog I'm all right you moved here just a few years ago why'd you make the move um my hectic house and then you lived in a hectic house is that like a trap house and then you okay what does the hectic house um I don't know it was basically just a house share but like the landlord didn't know who was in there that was it was a house share but the landlord didn't know who was in you were squatting you were in somebody else's house and they didn't know you were in there that's a trap house and now you have a not so hectic house you have roommates no I live with my boyfriend you live with your boyfriend this conversation's over whatever fine [ __ ] stay in your hectic relationship if you want to your parents you have children I have one how old are you 28 you're 28 28 and you've got a baby how old's your kid seven seven holy [ __ ] that's not a baby that's a roommate what's up what's your boyfriend do um he at the moment is stay home dad doesn't have a job God so what are you doing to provide for this entire family I'm very hor today but um and I just started DJing you're a singer and you DJ that's so cool oh man I've always [ __ ] I wish I could sing I'd never tell another joke for as long as I lived the Acoustics in here are pretty [Applause] good should we sing something do you guys know R Kelly 5 six seven8 that's how old they were has has anybody here ever seen a ghost have you really what what did you experience uh I went to a haunted house where I grew up in Pleasant Hill Missouri which is very haunted now when you say haunted house you make a Halloween one or like a legitimate haunted house so like a house that was like owned by the K clubs Clan at one point oh those weren't go um it's um it's actually much scarier and uh they don't like shadow people either so I was going up to the house and there looked like there was an old man in the window I bet there was well I turned around to tell my friends about about it and I turned around and he was like gone and so I thought it was a ghost I just felt a very haunted feeling you all thinking I'm crazy or something but I feel haunted no they think you're racist they don't think they don't think you're crazy no no no no no no no you're you're just fine it's okay totally different thing different different thing to be ashamed of it's all right so did you get a chance to go inside the house no I ran from that house you're probably not the first person so I'm I'm glad that you are a Believer and back me up the ghosts are [ __ ] scary monsters are scary too I I don't I don't want I don't want Frankenstein guy that's not a real one some monsters are [ __ ] real I'm defending you you went to their house people are monsters what's that it's for you it's a builda bear that's for me what is it it's a builda bear you got me a build-a bear why it's a voice message too in it as a voice message from your show where you said if someone got you a build-a bear oh my God so I did I did a Tik Tok one time where the girl in the audience was saying it was a red flag that a guy brought her a Build-A-Bear on a first date and I had said in the video I was like I would love if somebody brought me a builda bar so you brought me one yeah I got to do more jokes about getting my dick up I really [ __ ] man what am I doing with all this cute [ __ ] oh God thanks I guess this is so sweet thank you oh your numbers are on here it might still happen it might still happen all right we can use them for clean up can I take him out of here yeah this is so cute a you didn't really he didn't spring to get him any clothes that's kind of the whole you didn't really Build The Bear you just kind of kind of just looks like you stole one kind of there's a voicemail in yeah you press it paw presses the Paw what if I press it and it's just like I want you to [ __ ] it might Fe the other one that sucks I can't lie that's um that's uh it's not incredibly audible but it's a fic counts thank you so much this is this is one of the the sweetest laziest gifts thank you back and there you go there we go your name bro Cory Corey it's a very white name um it's short for some it's it's short for or something what's a short for it's still very white even what a short for is white it's Cornelius Cornelius Y what bro you can't even say the n-w if I'm being honest you can't you don't get to say [Applause] Cornelius ain't that the [ __ ] from Rudolph The Rednosed Reindeer who's like Sil dog your credit score 900 shut up oh my God it throws them for a loop it does it throws everybody for a loop how many job interviews have you gotten over the phone I've never been I've never been declined from youve never been declined that's enjoy White Privilege Cornelius it ain't so bad right it's kind of cool I [ __ ] with you Cory my dude what do you do for work I work for the Water Authority did you go to college for that NOP you didn't go to college there's the black I did go to school for a little bit to be a cop though you went to school to be a cop back to White interesting and why' you why' you bow out politics and I was a better Criminal I asked him why stopped going to trading to be a cop and he goes politics and I was a better Criminal Back to Black who are you Cornelius you're a mystery bro I feel like if we smoke together I'll be like are you even really here in what fingering you're literally scraping food onto a plate while you're talking to me about sex enjoying myself you're enjoying yourself have you you ever tried it quietly like meditation or what's that your inability to please others oh oh oh my inability to please others oh no I could definitely make you come for sure who you here with Myself by yourself no damn you couldn't even get somebody to come with you that's wild Dam [Applause] damn I'm a nice person okay you guys see I didn't start that it doesn't finish it it does finish it I comedically like gave you a facial dog like I I don't know how much better it can be who broke up with me he broke up with you oh what a dick well what' you do what was what was this re I'm too much of a partyer you're too much of a partyer yeah as far as red flag go you know what I mean re where' you meet him no like hinge hinge okay wa I'm not I'm not I'm not on dating apps cuz I don't have that problem DMV men they don't approach women DMV men don't approach women really do guys do you all feel like that's accurate damn really silence I thought you be like no we we take what we want just like no you know they're interested we'll come over here D y'all got to be more aggressive exctly to a to a limit there's obviously there's obviously a cut off point um so you prefer for the guy to be the aggressor yeah for sure all right shut the [ __ ] up [Applause] SE [ __ ] my virginity to a gay man was he gay after you want to make sure he slept with the most beautiful girl in pool I know the lighting Is Not Great back there but were y'all homeschooled who says that to somebody I want to to your best friend I want to make sure I sleep with the most beautiful girl at school and Jessica said no do you want to he's with his cousin [ __ ] don't do first and last names who does that damn that's so incriminating Bryant God damn it dude stop saying last names what the [ __ ] is wrong with you are you still friends with him yes I'm sure he's not going to appreciate this death and translator yes okay did you guys know it was me tonight or you just come and just adid comedy fans fan of Comedy or me of you of me are you serious oh my thank you so I just thought I didn't know maybe you guys just watched a lot of Death Jam or what's what's your name love my name Elizabeth Elizabeth do you have a do you have a boyfriend I love that no I know this is like this is like having a conversation with a news reporter typ faster okay I'm know I actually I I I did I did try to dig it that a death girl for a little bit a couple years ago but and she was great like the relationship there's no problems this this [ __ ] just wouldn't listen to me I'm sorry not how am I not supposed to do these jokes I love how you guys got weird with me starting to F with her like I the [ __ ] I'm I'm not going to [ __ ] a death bro you just relax yeah I'd love to I just I cuz I don't want to get hearing AG Bro [ __ ] Y'all to be H you don't like regular chti no that got you probably got to crust your lips you ain't going to find [Applause] out and as a matter of fact they belong to Elizabeth she's the one reading you guys not allowed to watch watch porn here I'm telling you you yeah you have to create an account which if you have a PornHub account you're a monster dog you should not be in a position to leave reviews we ready for this what dear user hey it's should say hey bro how it should start as you may know you're elected officials in Virginia or requires to verify your Aid before allow you to access our webs website get the [ __ ] out of here e yeah you're you're notg yeah while safety and compliance at the Forefront of our mission what were yall jerking off to J yeah what happened to Virginia the year officials were like we got to stop this school shooting he said too many school shootings ah please contact your representative before it's too late you got to call a guy and be like hey man knock it off I'm trying to come over here you call you call your represent just oh my I [ __ ] Florida jerking out hard West Virginia would never to be fair that's not a website that's a family photo Facebook just dentist magazines oh is it better the other way is it better for the like a woman to look like this beautiful lady right here but have a dick or to be this like Burly ass dude with a [ __ ] like if you had to choose would you rather smash the beautiful woman with the dick or like the dude with the like super type [ __ ] though you know what I mean like it's the best [ __ ] you ever had you can be like dude can he grow his hair out a little no damn man as a matter of fact as a matter of fact we making it this dude he bald it bur I would wax that ass I swear to God I swear to [Applause] God you're so mad I'm sorry so mad dude he looks like he's going to repo your car dude now every time I look at you I see a [ __ ] sorry keep looking down like the pants are tight I don't know like skinny G your wife this your wife a she going to be making fun of you now you got to be having sex I like how your pzy feel please do that please just one time when he's hitting from the bag you just be like Oh that [ __ ] is nice you have to do that neither have you married not here widowed a [ __ ] I'm sorry how how long ago don't mind me asking one year [ __ ] that's so recent back on the mark or what can I ask how old you are can I ask how old you are she did this that's how old let Turn Me Up yes ma'am never got a woman [Music] ma'am oh my God I'm sorry yeah yes age 69 69 yeah you are [Applause] no go oh man we about to piss a ghost off I love your sense of univ you're fantastic I love I love you're able to like laugh about this gu po [ __ ] shut up I'm taking can I this be the last thing I cry about can I can I ask how or what from breathing problem with on oxygen breathing problem on oxygen or maybe you took his breath away murderer you guys can't hear in the back she said I would love to [ __ ] you but no she she it's very beautiful she said when her husband was in the hospital he was telling the doctor like no this is all her fault cuz she took my breath away so sweet God damn it how do you get your name my name yes ma'am what is that Sher Sherry old as [ __ ] that's godam you must been you must have been the one Frankie Valley was singing [Applause] about did you say magic explain yourself did you [ __ ] a magician that's dope I have a lot of friends and a lot of guys who will do magic ones you you know a lot of guys who do magic on dates yeah this has happened a lot where guys have done magic tricks on Dat dudes are out here doing magic how the [ __ ] do I compete with that watch me pull a condom out of my pocket oh my God yeah what app is that Tada oh you not on Tada oh you better get on Tada but also who's practicing magic and is like this one's for the [ __ ] who oh my God that's some slithering [ __ ] to do though isn't it that's some slithering [ __ ] wow so this isn't a guy you've been on a date with it's guys you know um yeah it's happened to a lot of my friends you saying it happened like they forced magic upon me and I don't I don't think that's the case unless they [ __ ] put them in that box so they're supposed to saw him in half and we're like now you stuck that's that that's problematic that's incredible you know many dates I go on where I'm like [ __ ] what do we talk about next I wish this [ __ ] would pull a [ __ ] seven of hearts out from behind right ear or something I guess I have gone on a date with a girl one time and about a month later she made a baby disappear so Tada he's still [ __ ] his baby mama well that's loyalty it sounds like if if he's [ __ ] anybody he should be the mother of his child no am I crazy for this one it kind of sounds like you breaking up a family [Applause] he's still in his house with his wife and his baby the audacity of this man to live happily ever after what's the problem he doesn't [ __ ] with her no he said he don't [ __ ] with her but he I think he lying yes he's lying that's what we call a blatant lie I mean maybe he should be he shouldn't be dating you on the side if he is actually interested in her I will say that how long have you been seeing him for four months four months that's tough that's that you know what this is a little too early to be having this many red flags to be honest like this big of a problem this early on in the relationship it it might not work out so I my best advice would be to either I'd say break up with them or also get pregnant play this [ __ ] game okay he was FaceTiming her the other day and she was breastfeeding at the same time oh that's hot Dam damn how are they it sounds like you do something very well that she doesn't like raise her child maybe you might be you might be the best mom for the situation I don't know man this is the coolest episode of Dr Phil I've ever been on this [ __ ] is all over the place by the way this isn't normally how this crowd work goes usually someone will be like ah you know they have oh they have [ __ ] they wear flipflops or something silly but y'all like no my life is in pieces what's your name Jesse Jesse pleasure to meet you what do you do workwise I uh take care of my two younger brothers you take care of your two younger brothers what do you want to do after the kids are grown um I was going to school for forensic anthropology you you were going to school for forensic anthropology what's that so uh basically I would like look at dead bodies and trying to figure out uh what happened to them did you get to the point in the school where you were like face to face with a dead body no I I quit going to school CU that's you wait hold on what would you rather I not repeat that I don't care she basically she stopped going to school cuz she started having some negative thoughts and wanted to focus on some Health Care some selfcare we we we'll phrase it that way she was she was not doing so well mentally so her parents were like here watch our other two kids the [ __ ] Jesse you're in no position oh my god well good luck I hope you don't end up looking at two more dead bodies whatever you guys would you be like in like the morg is that where where where like your work would take place could be I also thought about doing like field work so like going where the body is field work not a term I would be using in the South but field of work maybe but [Music] um I roasted you I figured I at least owed you a conversation so thanks for being so sweet um don't put me in your [Applause] note we had one fell that got hit by lightning but he had uh yeah he pre-arranged it for to try to get that money and [ __ ] crazy part was dude he was in a damn com we were jealous of man we're like look at this Rich motherucker [Applause] dude breathing on our tax dollars over here who's with you right here my partner partner gay a a where did you guys meet on Tinder on Tinder for real yeah oh man we have an eight-month old you have an 8-month old no way really they're uh where'd you find it adoption okay just making sure it wasn't also tempered like I don't [ __ ] want to make sure want to make sure an adoption tender you just FP but no yes no call it something cute like chicken tender you know some kid friendly 8-month old boy girl girl girl you don't know that cancelled can 8-month old girl what's her name ariela ariela that's the gayest name you could have chosen white mixed mixed you got a mixed baby nice so it could be either Ariel yeah that's good that's best Cas scario gay as well nice two lesbian two gay bro y'all should fist fight that would be [ __ ] crazy how long you guys been together 5 years 5 years suck it as if that wasn't on the agenda you sorry what would you to me online online as well which one Plenty of Fish which one what was it her her her I haven't heard of this is it all lesbian dating app now what's the format of that swipe left swipe right swipe left swipe right just get your fingers warmed upbody ever seen a ghost what about in your bathroom mirror oh a ghost in your bathroom mirror the only thing I've actually ever seen in my bathroom mirror is just this fine ass dude he he just be he just be he looks scary good that's crazy man died from too much [ __ ] that when did you hear about a bathroom mirror no I saw one in my bathroom mirror you saw one in your bathroom mirror what did it look like so it's actually I'm convinced it's actually my brother who passed away I walked into the bathroom and I turned the light on and there was a static figure and dissipated oh [ __ ] yeah my aunt believ she's a median so she's the one your your aunt believes she's a medium but that [ __ ] really a large that's so stupid man next time a person's like I'm a media I'm going to go I'm sorry I didn't mean to show your family what happened she originally said she knew there was ghost in the house belied her we all thought she was crazy we got her institutionalized so basically her aunt who believes she's a medium told them that she believed there's ghosts in the house and they said that she was crazy and got her institutionalized that is so [ __ ] up she tried to save y'all is she still in there no she's now she's now living in that house she lives in that house now and she's like I ain't saying [ __ ] now y'all can get possessed I don't care [ __ ] flying off the walls did you see that nope sure didn't I I I went to a club Friday night I went to uh mayow no it was it was Ultra Bar yeah which apparently people hate but it was P 18y old shut up [ __ ] God damn they were stamped up though they were stamped I check the stamp I didn't ID but I stamped uh hey guys I got to go um on a plane right now I I went cuz they were like yo if you if you come like we'll give you we'll give you a free table couple bottles I was like all right [ __ ] it what I I like loud music you know so we get there bro that was so delayed it's like I told you that joke on a walkie-talkie and you just got I was like am I going to do that a I thought we did move faster I was already into the story you bringing up old [ __ ] again yes Ultra Bar so then we're like um like if you come we'll give you a free table some drinks I was like all right and it was just me and Brandon that went so they're like hey let us know if you want any girls to come over we didn't invite any just so you know legally and my boy was T to me he was like yo about to bring out a couple bottles for you what do you want like the sign to say you know they always have like the big flashing sign so extra and I was like I wanted to say happy birthday Chief Keith uh this is a very white crowd so anybody who doesn't know what Chief Keef is picture of the blackest dude of all time and he's a very successful rapper and uh I was I was already dying know how knowing how funny it was going to be to me just to receive that sign I didn't anticipate that when they brought out this sign saying happy birthday cheeky with these Sprinklers and bottles every person in the club was like chief chief keep is here no way Chief keep is in DC on the running and then it finally gets over to me and I'm just like he's looking his white possible bro do you have on a cowboy hat you waited a second like there was anybody else who was even possibly wearing a cowboy hat what's your name man who you here with my wife what's your name wife Cassandra Cassandra nice to meet you does he wear this all the time yeah I got used to it you got used to it isn't that what marriage is all about you meet somebody and you get used to [Applause] it do you have a a cowboy job oh no firefighter you're a firefighter when was the last fire that you fought Lally yesterday literally yesterday man I would love to believe you were white before you went [Applause] in your name was Tyler it was hot as a [ __ ] in there and he came out he was like it's Tyrone that is awesome man man oh firefighters are so cool you ever been in a calendar no bro what's your station called station station 2 Station 2 got to come out with a calendar man you you got to do February it's Black History Month in case any of y have any idea my God that is embarrassing for y'all [Applause] [ __ ] cu what do you do a teacher you're a teacher man isn't that crazy that that's way more dangerous than what he does what do you teach like what what grade I'm with infants you're with infants right now you a babysitter Cowboy huh what' you say m Cowboy why are you singing it what's wrong with the cowboy what in the Dixie Chick is going on right now dud you got hair under there yeah no not you B oh you hat fishing it does look clean think about [Applause] it what are some red flags for a GU children what' you say children children yeah don't [ __ ] [Applause] those pretty good red flag next I don't even want to dive into that sounds like somebody learned a lesson the hard way sound like you got a basement just like this believe creep I assume you meant when a guy has children is that correct yeah thank God why is that a red flag to you I don't want to deal with the baby M how do you think she feels about you have you dated a guy with kids [ __ ] no then how you know it's not bad got babies under Oney old red flag yeah they just got there that mean he just busted like N9 months ago it's this family night or friends or what is it Jeepers Jeepers what is that we all we all own Jeeps you all own Jeeps you have have to hang out with each other it feels very forced doesn't it that's that's not fair cuz like then what a dudes who own motorcycles had to hang out with only dudes with small dicks you know what I mean like that shut the [ __ ] up dude y y'all two are married how long you guys been married almost 10 years almost 10 years I didn't ask how many how many kids do you guys have we have three three total 19 18 22 19 and 18 yeah we're both out of your bo boys or girls you said we're both out of your age range I'm not trying to Cuff you and your husband okay next Jesus Christ comes up to me at this show I'd really love it if you would [ __ ] her in the cheek I really would love it I'll take the doors off and everything I swear to God you didn't when you got married it was afterwards how old are your kid what's that you're [ __ ] with the fabric of Florida right now get it right you're [ __ ] slur on your speech do you own do you own a Jeep as well no shut the [ __ ] up I'm talking do you have light up shoes I do why they're so bright you're welcome was that I said you're welcome you said you're welcome yeah thank you for bring Christmas lights on your feet I appreciate that if you click your heels together three times you go back to Dayton how cute is that can I see it can I see it so they understand can you take can you are you able to take one of them off or both forever look at this kiosk [ __ ] right here you buy these in the same kiosk you can get your phone screen fixed for $7.99 Amazon you got those on Amazon give them back free return policy read the shirt what' your shirt say put your balls all over me it's Christmas I feel like you can't wait to have your chimney com in that's F oh my God it's been a hard year it feels like you've learned nothing no I had my in what did you say I had my Horas in the Marines yeah that's what I want my soldiers doing how'd you get those hostages back well soldiers or army marines or Marines well those shoes are awful regardless so those can't be service mandatory what did you do in the Marines besides suck dick [Applause] circumcised circumcised oh it's simp sorry sorry different one different one sorry I didn't know what's another one you all right [ __ ] turn these lights on turn the house lights on right now light her up right now who said more what about what what what about me you're too cocky I'm too cocky well imagine I was like a timid comedian and I was like you guys you guys ever have your your grandpa [ __ ] [ __ ] flashlight confidence is like so key you know what I mean like especially to delivery you know hey I I come quick like everybody else okay I'm just I'm simply human you know ah was that it is it is an ego thing you think no no you changed your answer what is what is it now person huh told me not to do it she told you not to do it you should listen to your friends just give him your number no please nobody give me their number what's that I should give you my number all right go ahead read it out loud for everybody go ahead I'll take it out right now what is it she won't do it go ahead what is it outow okay one did I get that right 911 right that's what you said is that is that how you call is that how you call to file a restraining order I'm not sure all right what's your social security number since we here throwing numbers around dude my grandfather was born in 1880 yeah we didn't have any pictures of him yeah we we had a description of my grandfather framed on the wall somebody wrote down what he looked like and Mom framed did and I'd go up by it and be like just like him I'm on to come up yeah feels real good after I've been so blue M he I'm on a what's up what's int introverts you don't like int I would say I'm introverted despite this job like I'm I'm pretty introverted are you are you an are you an extrovert that's your thing so you got to parties you like to be center of attention clearly when was his last uh introvert that you tried dating you're like just not kidding he's not outspoken enough I married you married an introvert are you still married to him but you but you gave him 16 years of just silence and what was the final straw they like I just can't deal with it he was like I don't know what you want what was what was the final straw if you don't mind me asking so it's like therapy it is like therapy you want to be an extrovert [ __ ] talk no it's don't don't talk to me when I want to talk to you don't do it what did what did he do for work was he like an office job kind of guy CPA what's that what is it an accountant guys [ __ ] crunches numbers for a little you didn't see this coming you thought he was going to be Class Clown this [ __ ] eats [ __ ] with a green visor on are you kidding me you kind of should have seen that coming a little bit you sounds like you gave him a chance though when I met he was he all these friends and then it was like after we got married like I want to be was like what okay so when when you when you first met him he was in marketing working for Levis for some reason he had all these gay friends that would seem like an unnecessary detail of the story but you thought me to throw that out there but I guess that's not I've never met a gay introvert in my entire even the bottoms are loud as [ __ ] you know what I mean my girl told me that I make sounds when I eat burgers I didn't know apparently I do I'm eating a burger and I'm like she was like are you eating that or are you eating that think about it who's sad when they're eating fast food I'll tell you who's sad the person eating a salad watching someone eat fast food that's who's sad so I pull up to this fast food restaurant with a big am on it and the guy in the speaker is like you know man I help you and I'm I'm crying I'm like you have no idea if a guy is an entrepreneur ah what what did he claim to do as an entrepreneur he said that he was a producer how old was [Music] he okay I don't want to say okay oh this is do want to hear a team at the end of this how old 21 you thought a 21-year-old was a producer all a 21-year-old produces is so much come like that's literally it that's our only export at that age oh my goodness how long how long ago is this yesterday you be nice H how long ago was this encounter [Music] before Oh My hey my bad man get him God Dam he was right he was rude but he was right for those of you that don't know by now I finally became a dad he's 10 surprise me too and it's not what you think I didn't discover that I had a Lost Child it's just that I hooked up with a beautiful beautiful woman who had a pre- started family so basically I became a stepfather you know I just took over the payments best part for me is that my new son looks exactly like me He's fluffy too 10 years old 162 lb yeah he's a little damn and he's the cutest kid you talk to him his name is Frankie he's like Frankie what do you like to do I like microwave burritos and Playstation me too only problem is he wakes up early 5:00 every morning HEB bro I'm hungry me too make something and he does I can hear him in the kitchen making Hot Pockets you know freaking and he opens the door and doesn't close it and the whole house freaking hot pocket delicious 71 where's 71 hi 71 what up man oh man is that guy Fier Colonel Sanders Colonel Sanders yeah you old enough though I bet you hate dark meat God damn take what I can get you can't just take things anymore man this isn't that's the old America man no no no no who who are you with um actually a really tall Jewish guys it was my student when he was in kindergarten oh [Applause] my are y'all gay actually we both turned out that way told y'all it was a choice how old is the the Jewish now man T jewi I'm a really hard 30 I'm I'm going to need you to calm it down to a soft 30 Jew love you my people the Jews love me thank you I'mma burn all my Yeezys thank you that is [ __ ] awes awesome big fan of your carpentry do do you still teach um actually I do I love how to change an adult diaper bro can you imagine you fu [ __ ] somebody and then you got to be like nope keep your legs up keep them up all [Applause] right what else is going on you know I got of I judge a dog show in Italy dude for sure you have judged a dog show in Italy I taught one when I do the sign for baby she says b b that's pretty gay that's I knew that's when I knew yeah nobody's ever been judging an Italian dog show and is like man I can't wait to get a [ __ ] after this gay Jewish tall how you mentioned how tall you are how tall are you 6' s [ __ ] bro you should join the w NBA did you ever go to any of the games um twice and I that's all the games they have actually so it's okay caught the whole season you pretty drunk I imagine you have to what your name Jack te Jack where you from from Africa oh [ __ ] call Springs like we don't need any more black people we got the main one trade from Africa holy [ __ ] I got you all the white people they're doing G signs they're doing G signs ja great to meet you man you ass dude are you single oh married oh [ __ ] to who where she where's she at she really in here you not sitting with her no African Cult Don't she works here no way are you serious where's Jack's wife what's her name Kimber Kimberly are y c go [Applause] oh [ __ ] no this is your family she was taking care of me all weekend bro K come here come here K oh my [Applause] God you Mar the tea banana girl [Applause] [Music] [Applause] what oh I'll repeat it she said he and his friends used to Circle JK with their mouths I know my friends are [ __ ] boring dog the left suck dog how did you that talking well what's yours I can you can you please tell me in what words he told you this my friends and I wanted to see what it felt like so we tried it and then kep doing it it felt good I get it what was yours to be determined that's crazy crazy now you cute but you're not my boy Kevin what's your last name ad [Applause] oh [Applause] no [ __ ] that if if I have your number on my phone I'm Chang your name to clitler 100% 100% a0 clitler bab let's go that's [ __ ] that is actually really tough I have to go through to have to go through childhood with that last name got really tell I salute you I really do nobody record that nobody record that out of context I'm so [ __ ] pant not now not now I'm blond of bluee too so there blond of bluee have you done like an ancestry.com the only thing it would make it better is if you were like super Jewish complex at all [ __ ] I have Jewish cousins oh that's like saying I have a black friend you know what I mean that's not I had Jewish cins when we were younger I used to say the night I used to give him a dutch oven you got change your last name something the best Dangerous like dmer does anybody here have any autistic children do you really yeah how old um so he just turned four he just turned four What's um um how far in the Spectrum would you say he is is it little by little or is he like he's non-verbal he's non-verbal got he got it yeah what's his what's his thing that he's really good at um so he's hyperlexic hyperlexic what's that he's very very good with numbers shapes colors he's good with number shapes and colors [ __ ] yeah that dude about to rob a casino some you're going to be a very rich mom suay there's no cons bro you don't got to worry about him talking to strangers he don't like talking to nobody that's awesome congratulations what is that something she some fan art you made that yeah are you kidding me you drew this that's so cool she Drew this a this is so good and you're [Laughter] verbal guys this is really good okay [ __ ] be nice okay this is going top of the fridge [Laughter] [ __ ] [ __ ] I look like [Laughter] that on Instagram first of all you don't got to out him like he's not sitting right next to you okay you don't got to do that I don't have you tried being a [ __ ] on Instagram it's [ __ ] lit probably Instagram and social media setting is such an unrealist realist unrealistic expectation for all women out there like you guys really have to compete with like porn stars on every [ __ ] platform step it up I don't know what to tell you the world is a dark place okay sex cells and violence is pretty much always the answer I don't know what else you guys want me to tell you what what do you do for work here in San Jose he he can talk for himself I'm in sales you're in sales oh [ __ ] what do you sell I work for XX you work for Xerox what's that very ex printers printers there's still printers holy [ __ ] do you do you fix printers you make them you ship them you you sell them how the [ __ ] do you sell printers what's the sales mechanism how would hey you see this [ __ ] right here how would you like that on paper you see you see if you look at Horrors on Instagram they're only this big what we can do for you we can put this on a goddamn poster board a little 10x 12 and now you got titties on a fat head now y'all coupling are cute as [ __ ] manab how long y'all been together married 4 years married four years that's [ __ ] awesome man what' yall meet we met because of nonprofit you met because of the nonprofit you got charity [ __ ] that's amazing he calls her per the Red Cross she's beautiful though it's more like the March of Dimes am I right let's go you guys have children yeah that's you donated SPM that's great really doing your part four years ago met at the nonprofit that's [ __ ] awesome you guys from here uh no no where from uh she's from California I'm from Europe from Poland actually I thought you had a little bit of an accent you sounded like an anemy you said from from Poland [ __ ] with Poland sausage that's what's up know for that what what you 6 63 6'4 65 66 no shut up dude stand up I got to see this do what the [ __ ] I never felt like more of a [ __ ] in my life he stood up and I was like what's it like Su can di standing up that's holy [ __ ] this [ __ ] every [Applause] anniversary how long ago was this of course he got super religious like stoning adultery religious this was an ex-husband of yours after you guys got divorced he got super religious he just got engaged to the pastor's daughter though so makes sense he just got re-engaged to the pastor's daughter look at God you know what I mean won't he do it you know after you married a Satan for a certain amount of years you want you kind of want to turn your life around you know I got to you got to dedicate your life to the good to the good one what what was his religion do you remember like what his thing was Baptist B Baptist okay what about him being Baptist was like kind of annoying to you like what practices are part of the religion um sex sex what about it strictly missionary strictly missionary she's okay now she's okay now you're saying it like some Catholic dude just tore it up from the back before the show and you're like this is my religion absolutely oh my God gross don't I don't need all that information I do think I'd be a good dad but just not yet Dad no I I had two kids I'm Baptist you call me father okay asking for escorts paying for esorts did you sound hurt [Music] recently somebody just checked their bank statement like a week ago also how are you louder than me all right let's dive into this more I found out 3 days ago my husband of 6 years we have two beautiful boys is paying for escorts how much how did you find out I saw the text message under the new update on iPhone under edit and deleted hold on you can check those what was it 300 per hour 300 per hour do they do by the minute I got 20 you know what I mean I got five um do you see the pictures there's no pictures and he won't admit it he's saying it's a scam it's a scam that means he didn't come this [ __ ] A Rip [Music] I could have stay I could have stayed married if I wanted to not come there's some married people in here good [ __ ] feeling D I am really sorry that is that's genuinely [ __ ] up are you guys done or are you going to stick with them to be like just don't [ __ ] do this [ __ ] here I already packed up all my [ __ ] and moved out that's good [ __ ] that dude you a strong woman you go out there you live your own life you have the most you and I'll tell you I'll [ __ ] you for 150 to be honest he do I hear 200 do I hear [Applause] 200 what does it show up as like what's like the receipt look like in C words he asked what are your roses and I googled that and found the website and the code roses means how much [ __ ] what if he was buying you flowers $300 worth of flowers he might love you no did you even try that excuse no that would been like go to out they they pick them themselves for an hour is worth of work you get as many roasts as they can pick you an I think they solid deal let me [ __ ] steal that your best friend used it Mi am sketch I love you though I three hours to come you drove 3 hours to see me oh my god [ __ ] that's $900 that's $900 oh my God I'm so sorry oh my God God damn I'm so so crazy [Applause] oh so a [ __ ] cowboy hat why dude you have a cowboy job Bulls they oh you used to ride Bulls championship three championships two championships you could have lied and said three we all would have believed you if you would have said said 15 championships we all would have been like yep you could have lied to us entirely what's up what's your record time 86 8 86 86 8 seconds damn dud that's way too long right fellas [ __ ] you showing off for man you what now make for some of the best Rodeo sex you can have though am I talking to f bhow right [Applause] now on the r man seconds you are you are the most fitting person I've ever met to wear a cowboy hat thus far [Music] usually usually I just meet people who love camping with their buddies with the Marine cors over there doing Mar for that is awesome man many of places been a many of places I could write a [ __ ] book about myself you can write a book you should write a book dude don't do an audio book but not many people speak Copenhagen but when he comes he just goes how long you guys been married about a year about a year oh okay this makes so much more sense how long you been [Music] together we've known each other 20 something years oh you've known each other for over 20 years oh okay and then you were like I didn't find anybody you want to 8 Seconds what happened to your [ __ ] leg dude I just notic you you got a boot on what happened off a curb you fell off a curb we are seeing the full spectrum of men here tonight we are [Applause] seeing from a man who rides dinosaur source to a man who can't step off a 6 in curb has anybody ever dated somebody that was so religious that like you felt like it was kind of a hindrance to the relationship a little bit anybody no gay you weren't going to heaven anyway all see you in hell baby let's go dude if hell's all the gay people at sign me up bro that about to be a party boyfriend no no he's out of town he's out of town well who's this Mr in town how do you know this gentleman my friend your friend how do you guys know each other sports sports what sports you play flag football flag football without the [Applause] Y come on you guys we're just having some fun what is your name Jordan Jordan pleasure to meet you Jordan [Applause] how do you know them I in the men's restro you met him in the men's restroom State your pronouns [Applause] you met the table full of women in the men's restroom hold it men are in there on salt okay it's a very vulnerable place are married yeah how long 5 years 5 years congratulations where' you guys me uh when we was four and five when you were four and five well you're not N9 and 10 so I tell you where was this you grew up together no way across you [ __ ] the neighbors oh my God that's some wholesome [ __ ] right there you hops Scot your way into some [ __ ] man that's [ __ ] amazing God that's so adorable a how did you shoot your shot we were swimming you were swimming yeah [Applause] it's unhygienic from what I've heard um chlorine or a river it was a pool above ground yeah was it really oh man do you know do you know how impeccable your game has to be to get some [ __ ] in an above ground pool God damn I wish I had a sketch dude cuz im is such a funny visual of like I imagine him just like picking up and put her on the side of the pool and she's just up like this the side folds down and then that giant gush of water just like he's like damn you wet while she's just being waterboarded on the grass just you guys can get the visual right like okay [ __ ] yeah dude that's what I'm talking about man how long youve been out and about since 2020 2020 Summer of 2020 Summer of 2020 [ __ ] recently were you just that bored in the house how old are you 20 you're 20 so youday on Wednesday your birthday is this Wednesday happy birthday man um her birthday her birthday oh my now you guys got to compete who sucks better dead let me see you think so he's got home field [Applause] advantage all right let's test it Alex get back out of here Alex [Laughter] [Applause] get hi are you single you are single not single you're going to die that way if you want be Qui I swear to God hey you got any more room on your team cuz this [ __ ] is annoying do oh my God so no public boyfriend just yet it's complicated he's not [ __ ] he ain't [ __ ] why do you say that why don't cheer you homophobes what what what made what made him not [ __ ] besides you in there you know cuz he was blocking the P whatever dude whatever whatever you [ __ ] turs but you were [ __ ] turds actually so stupid um I'm sorry real question is there like a certain thing she needs to look for a certain quality maybe a green flag to look for one gu God I've never been heckled by a pirate in my [ __ ] life oh my God bro what what happened to your leg oh bad bad motorcycle rides bad motorcycle rides so [ __ ] Florida oh my God how long ago was that 12 years 12 years ago damn wait was that 124 I don't know were you drinking during this motorcycle accident yes sir yes sir yeah shocker wait give me give me a pro and a con I quit you quit drinking hopefully what's your name man Brett Brett and I us should get it wet I think I'm having an aneurysm Brett Brett I used to get it wet what did you used to get wet the other leg the middle one some of you guys are making it weird for him like he didn't start this [ __ ] okay going to [ __ ] take his side in the middle of a Heckle Fest the last thing this guy needs is a leg up Advantage all right I'm going to need you to be quiet now okay time for bread everybody I Tred to write a poem and I am pretty nervous uh but I will do my best my wiener is chill man it ain't trying to do no crime it ain't ain't even that hard a lot of the time and that's true actually cuz a lot of times I'll get like those wiener pills from the gas station you know what I'm talking about them real giraffe makers you know make my legs sweat actually my wiener is Trill my wiener is candid it looks like Joe pesi it's that wet Bandit um but I'm lit to the fact that girls are far more than sex they are champions and Soldiers with power in their breast they are creative and equal and warm and life-bringing I love Dolly Parton but it's because of her singing my wiener is chill man it ain't trying to do crime it ain't even that hard a lot of the time my wiener ain't Weinstein my wiener ain't Cosby but sometimes it wishes for a little bit of V jby you feel me what you watching over there bro yeah somebody breaking into my car you said somebody's breaking into your car where they bro I'll go beat their ass right now I swear to God you get like a notification on your phone yeah it said something set my alarm what's that said something set my alarm something set the alarm are you parked outside yeah you want to go check oh do you have the sentury uh cameras can you turn them on yeah that's what he was watching is somebody out there trying to see they was in my car what what's it looking like can you imagine we roll out there with 300 people like hey hey Pop the front what what model Tesla you have you have the W you like I have a three you like it sometimes I get reminded how well my life is actually going cuz like 2 months ago I was I was in LA and I was driving on the freeway and I was in the driver's seat and Alex who was up here before me was in the passenger's like how you feel man I was like I don't know man things just sometimes things just don't really really be going the way that you hope they're going and you know like what if what if this kind of spike in my career just kind of like a flash in the pan you can't make it last or whatever and he was like you realize you haven't touched the steering wheel the whole time I was like I guess it's going all right I guess it'll be F yeah this kid ribbing [Applause] [Laughter] around and then he topped me off dude it was fire no hands you know you a cop really yeah a mustache that makes sense so you were actually totally okay with the amount of black people that were here he was like somebody's breaking into my car he was like how's it feel [Applause] ah shots fired how's it [Applause] feel if you guys had to guess a crime I'd get arrested for what would it be what did you saying did somebody say soliciting who F who said that that's prostitution I like come on get rid of that law man come on but what funny is you can do it for free you just can't be like here's gas money like that's ma'am how old are you 55 55 do you remember the the first nonp pornographic thing that you my imagination was it your imagination what were you thinking about what was your imagination what were we thinking of was it was it a teacher at school was it a celebrity crush actually it was it was a teacher at school I hope he wasn't having the same dream [ __ ] who was the teacher Mr Martin Mr Martin some people owed cuz they're like what if he's here he's probably dad he he was your teacher then ah probably he's dead he's gay he's gay oh he's definitely dead satire you guys just joking he was gay that checks out he's probably hot as [ __ ] really goodick he was really good at kickball that's what did it for you way he just [Applause] [ __ ] but he was pointing to your brother was the last time you saw him 80 80 what 80 anything was about to blow my mind [ __ ] well Mr Martin was his name Morton well if anybody knows of Mr Morton tell him he had an alternate option gay ah all right that's what's up good to see you man your last name's not Morton is it let me to make sure how's your kickball game rusty rusty like a trombone it's a sexual Mo do you know what a rusty trombone is I think I want to ruin This Woman's night so even even even I'm not one I've never done or had one but if I'm if I'm imagining correct me if I'm wrong but isn't it isn't it when you you're like if a dude standing like this you would be like behind him I think and you you put your mouth to his butthole and then you reach through and you [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] go for the troops you know this is my security in case any of yall on your Will Smith [ __ ] right now feel like getting offended running up on stage keep my wife's name out your [ __ ] [Laughter] hands cuz yeah never mind whatever that's such a cool skill man this look like you solve an imaginary Rubik's cues just killing [ __ ] is uh anybody [Applause] gay [Applause] anybody at all anybody anybody in the vicinity I know you good with your hands dog I know I know it this man will jerk you off with a [Laughter] poem [Laughter] you're so sweet I just never been in this position before this is so much [Applause] fun oh the sacrifice the [ __ ] did my interpreter just get gentrifi I don't understand who um who who are you signing for I I I didn't even know um I'm not sure she said back there no it is not you [ __ ] you've been here in the whole show for sure you make us wish we were all deaf to be honest you don't sound deaf at all you this just seems so extra what was your name Nicole Nicole great to meet you Nicole how did you um how did you hear about the show um [ __ ] no no nice to meet you guys this is so exciting thanks for coming I just I just wanted to know sounds like you don't need to be here to be honest let everybody be nice especially you feisty I like your energy a lot I'll come back there and take your [ __ ] batteries out I swear to God I swear to God I'll turn I'll turn you off all right Super Bowl y'all got to chill the [ __ ] out man if I have her sign something will you relay it verbally yes all right she [Music] will sh you super [Applause] [ __ ] you didn't know this was de Comedy Jam did you you didn't know your accent from I'm from Saudi Arabia you're from Saudi Arabia yeah welcome to Ohio it's uh colus if it is this your first time in Columbus sorry we're from Cleveland OH you guys are from Cleveland oh never mind enjoy Columbus that's so much better our crack is pure he misses Saudi Arabia so much he came all the way to Cleveland to find some bombass [ __ ] isn't that crazy how's the comedy scene in Saudi Arabia people do people do people laugh yeah mostly the men women I didn't get your names I'm so sorry we dude I'm Kaye Kaye and what okay are you going to make it easy make it easy for me let's go like saying dude but you're going to add W so wude like dude but with a W wude but it's mean the most laer in it means the most lover a you big dick SL Are you a oh my you and your weapon of mass destruction oh you're so cute do you even want to know my full name I want to know your full name more than anything you going to take a note no I got it it's all up here dog if someone said I'm going to give it whatever they want really you give me whatever I want if I can pronounce your name correctly my full name will you give me whoever I want y you can't do that here with dude you can't do that you can't just be giving people away okay [Laughter] anymore hey guys we haven't always been a cool country okay all wude lay it on me dog yo somebody put this [ __ ] in Reverse did y'all hear that that [Applause] [ __ ] oh sounds like somebody rewound this [ __ ] it sounds like he was like I'm new here I love America Cleveland is awesome Columbus is so much better take it back one more time what dude we have to have our parents and grandpas and great grandpas and then family so you'll be n when someone like met you out there like oh is that your grandpa oh that's your grandson so that's how we know each other that was more confusing than your name was to be honest that was far more confusing I love you dog I really do absolute pleasure to meet you man pleasure to meet you too uh what' you say well it's my pleasure to meet you too oh you said it's so right for me he said he said it with like a strong accent at first and then he want it is my my pleasure to this [ __ ] turned into Siri real quick you a cool ass dude man Columbus we we got to get out of here I know I know somebody's got to catch a [Music] flight so trash Buffalo dude fu you saw you saw me barely touch it right don't make the that one right there you knew this was going to happen that's why there was a backup oh God damn it let's see how do I hey guys I don't work at Radio Shack [ __ ] telling me how to do equipment stuff there we go Christ there we go it's also loose right I got I got to hold my [ __ ] like a rapper whole show Wireless oh he's got Wireless yeah I'll try oh is there a wireless one oh [ __ ] we got options okay put this back it's on now check check nope nope nope so what yall want to do after this it's on now right oh I don't know what else to do I say you up it's not it's still not on I can go back to that one all right here we go let's [ __ ] it yeah that'll be fine we just leave the the core of this one off that's okay I'm not you see I'm not even touching it right like that's this she is bound to move around wiress should be [Applause] good bro this [ __ ] feel this [ __ ] feels like I'm like the base of an orgy and I'm just like and the whole [ __ ] time oh all right let's hope this is the one see what happens God [ __ ] hate this city man [ __ ] would never happen in Albany [Laughter] never I wish I could turn y'all's mic off right now I [Laughter] really is she your birthday you got a little Sash on I have a crown but it was hurting my head you have a crown but it was hurting your head be stronger can I see the crown she can she can give it to me don't shoot her thank you very much oh [ __ ] oh man oh man look at that I'm the mayor of San Francisco look at that [ __ ] oh man and if you're offended by that Let It Go Let It Go the gay never bothered me anyways he is going out after this or is this the birthday celebration this is the birthday celebration this is it this is a 7:00 event you got to go you got to go out and get [ __ ] up after this That's so exciting you what now you work for a living you work for a living [ __ ] what you think I'm doing you think I'm up here having fun you think this is fun for me coming out here he he haha telling traumatic family stories about getting God jerking off you think this is fun for me you what do you do I'm an EMT you're an EMT oo a hero [ __ ] is your friend's birthday as well no what's what's her sash dancing Diva dancing Diva I don't like that I you dance sometimes we about for $20 no good it's way too much okay only sash left is that what you said you know you don't have to wear a sash for her birthday right that's such some girl [ __ ] to do if you don't dance best friend what do you what do you do well are you talking about profession or just hobby Life we'll start with profession uh paramedic you're paramedic as well oh nice you guys both saving lives good for y'all now what's this hobby uh mountain biking and rock climbing mountain biking and rock climbing oh you didn't say you were a lesbian that's [Applause] awesome mountain biking with a dead giveaway what age were you when you shifted gears hey do you have pegs on your mountain bike where'd you meet your boyfriend H where'd you meet your boyfriend you in the front R you didn't hear me he has hearing aids you have hearing aids too oh man that is one of the more beneficial STDs you could have she doesn't have a boyfriend you don't have a boyfriend you got it right she's shut up wait you're really a lesbian shut up for [Applause] real I knew it dude oh you didn't say it was a mountain Dyke I mean uh a mountain Buton don't laugh dog you security you're supposed to be have a straight right now how long are you s months 7 months oh my God it's almost here [ __ ] hurts right yeah it hurts what if you could compare like a guy having to go through like what do you think we would have to go through to to to experience something like that anal anal doesn't sound that [Applause] bad I think it's a lot worse than anel I I would imagine I think it's it's a different paint I mean you've taken a big [ __ ] before you know that's basically anal you know what I mean every dude in year has taken a [ __ ] so big you're like I could be gay dude like this this was light work you know what I mean nothing broop it St no Mila and Roberto Roberto Umberto Umberto sure haven't heard that one before okay what about youto what are you doing uh I'm a deputy sheriff you're a Sher sheriff for real I didn't mean anything I said I was just [ __ ] around up here you I mean I it's a cool name you've never shot anybody you shot in [Applause] somebody does that scare you about him like having to have a job like that that's so dangerous it does yeah if I wait like well if I don't get a response with like 2 hours I'm like not bad if you don't get a response within the two hours you just think he's dead no that's he could just be cheating like it's not it's not always that serious it's not always that y'all got to get some more black friends bro I'm telling you man black dud are so [ __ ] oh you I read a book I've got ESPN y got to steep the [ __ ] up bro let's go thank you that's beautiful well you making me scared don't do that Jesus Christ especially in the dark I can't even fight you back there Jesus Christ see what it mean don't say it be it what what you ain't a niggaer but act like [Applause] one ah the [Applause] cops I didn't say I was giving a script I just played the part okay I want to thank the academy you ever seen a ghost yes I have I have back here I hey there's six of us in here I saw you okay me me me me me me me me me me ah what's what's true I actually had a demon in my closet fun thing is my ex-boyfriend sent it to my house after I broke up with that's how you win a breakup that's how that's how you do that [ __ ] it actually almost got into bed with her actually it almost got B hering in some language I did not understand Spanish Spanish I thought I heard it going out but then the covers behind me lifted up and dropped back down and I couldn't you had a monster come to the foot of your bed it was mumbling some kind of language you didn't understand and then you thought it went away and the cover beside you in bed lifted up and then let back down you farted shut up oh my God nice try smells like eggs in here must be a demon I think our house is haunted do you hear that grumbling yeah [ __ ] that's your gut you sick right now backtrack hold on how did your how did your ex send a demon to okay he was a very big like he did like witchcraft stuff he did witchcraft this is already on you at what point in this relationship was he like I'm a witch also real quick aren't males Wizards yes he was a he was a wizard you you he threatened to kill you why because I broke up with him day before the year anniversary a day before the year anniversary come on [ __ ] you couldn't waited two more days you couldn't have had the anniversary and then one day after be like that was really fun but I feel like it would have been worse if I celebrating the I don't think so I think he probably had some [ __ ] planned maybe a sacrifice for the for the one you don't look like a virgin I don't think it was how was the dick though he was very small very bad oh that's why you make a deal with the devil right there I'll sell my soul for just six Lord I swear to God please I've never seen a demon it's not I don't imagine have you seen an Angel um yes I actually I keep hitting you with [ __ ] that I'm like this is the end of the conversation for sure sorry I just saw one too a demon I metant I mean a that girl looks like she'll suck your soul out just in case none of the [Applause] worst all right let's talk to somebody who spent Valentine's Day alone let's see Virgo men are the worst you know what's funny about this before I even before I even defend myself I don't even care I don't even believe in this [ __ ] but I can't let it slide okay Virgo and Aquarius Virgo men and Aquarius Men You're Aquarius Oh I thought you were annoying I'm sorry I thought you were I'm so sorry I I thought that's my bad why do you think Virgo men are the worst though I don't [ __ ] with them you don't [ __ ] with them look I would [ __ ] you I just I haven't washed my hands since petting a dog just I don't want to do that to you smells like an [Applause] aquarius what's that not me though not you though Aquarius all the other Aquarius yeah yeah The Quiet Ones yeah what's your name Amelia Amelia man I wish you would disappear like aart I really did I really [Applause] wish are you in school yeah flight school no what are you in school for business business yeah like minding your own what do you want to do with a business degree I don't know you don't know I'm just vibing you don't know what you want to do when you grow up you know no ideas you just want to be rich look it's do nursing you will be rich for sure I don't know if you're Filipino enough to make it [Applause] what I'm Hungarian you're what Hungarian Hungarian well my parents are your parents are from hungry and their and their daughter's from [Applause] thirsty anybody gay oh really oh yeah I can't see your haircut in the dark but yeah oh yeah how long have you been uh lesbian actually biologically what were you born female female I appreciate you what what's your name go by Axel but my Charli Charlie but you go by Axel oo it's a gangster ass name how'd you land how'd you land on Axel a my best friend pick my your best you let your best friend pick your name oh my God my I could never my best friends like your name baby dick from here on out you chose the name he did how did you how did you land on Axel look like an axle you buil like a carburetor I don't now you bu like a transmission but [Applause] that's let's go I was like where is it I know there's something in there actually you're the [ __ ] best oh my goodness thank you for being such a sweetheart app we should go get some we should go get some [ __ ] after this let's go I got divorced a year ago so I'm down who who who are you married to male female uh another trans guy another trans guy um same situation biologically okay gotcha Why didn't it work out it left me for a woman with no [Applause] teeth I was taken care of it because he was he was paralyzed basically Shut the [ __ ] upwe to God you were taking care of him because he was paralyzed what what had happened to him that he was paralyzed like some kind of muscle disease a muscle disease and he met her through Tik Tok through Tik Tok and he was dming her like will I ever walk again and he the medium was like yeah you about to walk out on your marriage where'd you meet him huh where'd you mean him I've known him for 10 years no way I'm a drag King so I met him doing drag no way [ __ ] you what's that you have a stage name my name is Gunner down Gunner down oh my God you and your n mm a with Gunner down as the name I picture you going like full Rambo just shirtless and you come out your big line is like you know I stay strapped you pull out a pull out a strap [Music] on Axel you're such a sweetheart one more time for Axel everybody do your shirt say I eat ass what what's your ethnicity Filipino Filipino who you here with man your lady hi does she um hilarious he [Applause] goes but the look on his face was like I've asked where'd y'all meet at work it's wildly inapproiate where do you work forklift company a forklift company nice and now she's the one carrying loads isn't that crazy good for you and you bring his lunch to work every day is that so cute conru s oh at a construction site good if she acts up you can bury this [ __ ] under some CR he just leaves the ass uncovered he's like you not afraid of ghost of monsters what are you afraid of Taco Bell [Applause] you know those toilet seat covers that you use in the public bathroom I imagine he just puts it on as a fild she comes home and just flap [Applause] down y'all give energy like he didn't wear a shirt that set it on it some of y'all are giving the en like you asking too many questions I was given way too much information dude of course I've got questions let's reverse it do you know what her biggest fear is losing her kids losing her kids like at a Walmart or permanently okay got it no that's valid you have kids you're a grandma that's crazy hey [Applause] man that's crazy just so happens one of my favorite meals is Filipino [Applause] leftovers the kids is a is a big one do they live nearby you get to see them pretty often they live with you they live with you that's an issue of the time they have kids they got get their [ __ ] to get tell to get out the house you don't mind them living with you I do and I don't you do and you don't I am putting on her spot these are the kind of questions she should be asking [Music] herself maybe you can ponder next time you get in your ass say you can just kind [Applause] of a good forearms on you s sisters what's your name Casey Casey and Jessie Jesse pleasure to meet you Casey and Jesse you guys are adorable where did you guys meet in Columbus Ohio you guys drove from Ohio you're not even allowed to be gay up there that's crazy what stay down here well well maybe let's go west a little bit you um yesterday you got here yesterday and you going back tomorrow did you guys do anything fun for Easter repent maybe yes did you guys go to church this morning you have food poisoning [ __ ] eating the wrong [Applause] fish that's Jesus saying clean up your life I'm kidding I'm kidding I'm kidding I'm kidding now what's Penn's mechanical exactly in in Columbus it's like a arcade bar an arcade bar like um pinball machines and stuff like that nice just work on your finger and just interesting do you remember who did you come out to First you don't mind me asking your friends and did they know they were like yeah [ __ ] you you look you dress like that you don't skateboard at all you're young you don't have to do it anytime soon what would you ever want kids you think if I'm rich if you're rich yeah well you're going to have to stop working at an arcade bar step number one oh man I go through backpacks like crazy like cuz I fly so much they always [ __ ] up my bags it's always the like the the lining on like with a strap meets the actual backpack it gets [ __ ] T I'm always carrying so much [ __ ] I go through more straps than you guys doing wo I was trying to get to it I was like how can I how can I squeeze that in without any lube you know that's so cute man I wish I was G yeah I'd never pay for a job you calm down back there before I have her come back there a peg the [ __ ] out of I swear to God what gets in the way the most communication I guess communication that's a big one well it doesn't always need to be verbal you know I'm sure you guys are pros at reading lips You Know settl It Rock Paper Scissors you know like adults you got your foot up on the stage to hold you hella comfortable man what what kind of work you need those boots for electrical contractor electrical contractor nice you ever been electrocuted I have well shocked you been shocked like finding out your daughter's a lesbian we did IVF you did IVF in infertile infertile vitro is fixation they put eggs yeah and semen inside you and then they just [ __ ] so this is my impression of them after an argument did you know it was going to be to like did you know you were selecting twins yes oh really I didn't know you could do that you had to choose the sex you can't do that canceled cancel cancel cancel cancel cancel shame this is what I was talking about man with Nashville so funny you guys were like no school shooting up but I was like a little bit of transphobia and you guys are like come on back in it baby yeah you can't make fun of the kids just the shooters yeah I get it y'all are adorable man how long you'all been together uh seven eight years seven eight years I am a football player female football player you're a female football player get the [ __ ] out of here what is that for me shut up yeah what thank you babe shut the [ __ ] up is this the is the Cincinnati chaos Columbus chaos no [ __ ] way so it's like it's like an indoor like arena league no it's outdoor outdoor oh that's [ __ ] awesome what um what neighborhood park do y'all play at you know what's crazy when I we were just in Omaha a couple days ago and somebody brought up that they they have an arena team there called the Omaha beef and I was and I was curious I was like I was like is there is there a women's team and there said there used to be it was like the Omaha hearts and I just I kept thinking about how much of a missed opportunity it was to not call the women's team the Omaha beef curtains like how this is [ __ ] awesome man hold on a second man [Applause] take oh man I'll take your shirt wo God damn man I just I've had this on for 5 seconds I already feel I already feel like I deserve less pay this is crazy [Applause] man it's no pay you got to pay to play you have to pay to play man that is the worst possible scenario but you do it cuz you love it what position you play uh D tackle oine D tackle oine man it's crazy cuz you look like you hate sacks lesbian what are you thinking I think we go for two we've been going for one but I think we can go for two that's [ __ ] awesome I I I love you get to play a SP still for fun as an adult that's oh that's the Dream well there are bigger dreams but got to be a realist at some point do you guys get like a you guys get a championship and everything yeah on ESPN 2 on ESPN 2 no way really I am let me know when the playoffs are I want to play bets okay yall got any trans players do you really ch oh [ __ ] they're switching up on defense couple as well oh met gay couple and a lesbian couple oh [ __ ] you guys don't even know each other wow this club should be Su they made a section how long you guys been together 8 years 8 years about the same it feels like it didn't work out between and y'all like you know what St where' you guys meet Puerto Rico Puerto Rico that's so gay that's so gay you can't even go to Puerto Rico not [ __ ] dude like even they're sexy they're just sexy over there man you're both from there oh man you guys are worn out [ __ ] I admire both your strengths and what do you guys do now uh teachers you the teachers what what do you teach uh US history in high school US history I do Lang you teach us history that's a job I didn't think immigrants would even want teach it the right way because you teach it the right way you're right you got to get fired immediately this is we're all going to feel bad [ __ ] I never thought of it like that you're going to tell the real history all right this whole table oh yeah dud I can't I can't stop thinking about if they fought that's what she plays professional well she plays football she gave me a [ __ ] mean machine Jersey dog from The Longest Yard she will [ __ ] you up oh yeah oh yeah she wouldn't play a fair she like let me get the strap the strap like a gun IP yeahp on if it if that was on the table right now who would have this baby right [Applause] now set up [ __ ] R I'm about to put you through a combine girl I swear to God come here [Music] [ __ ] get this but she got to to get to the bed she got to go through tires so you guys had a you going to do like the whole like you know like turkey turkey but if you could it would be better just do you know hey this ree range I mean who knows each other we do two and two we're married and we're mother and daughter gotcha okay married mother daughter mother daughter good for you you both in my ading no they're not they're not even in your weight class yes have known what is your ethnicity hot I said people want to know what you are so they can know how to hate you damn that's a good point wow I'm whatever you need I'm whatever you need that's so funny I been like I was on the Latino Comedy SLAM I was on B you did Latino Latino thing I did a black thing I listen this is great for Hollywood whatever you mean the only place this isn't good is prison cuz I wouldn't know what game to Jo oh yeah who would you choose whoever's winning Latinos be like hello everybody in the Middle East you probably in the Middle East that's the next place you guys make a lot of money I would bomb [Applause] where's your husband not your he's wa it's to him she's not here either with the kids you have kids I know how many kids you have boy and a girl three and a one-year-old a three and a one-year-old you should be at home those are babies I know you got it like that H ruining family since 19 she right now I'm she you put your number in here hands me a baby monitor how how many months are you I'm curious five months five month and you're out like this you're not sick or what anything can I get you a drink great though it's pregnancy looks good on you who's the who's the who's the father say it co the last name sounds like a [ __ ] boy Cole yeah for sure last what's his last name can I spell it no just say it no I hope it's the N word oh no I hope I hope I'm going to need you to put some pads on [ __ ] y'all got a drill to run y got Oklahoma drill [ __ ] run we'll know her family way that they like saying it oh yeah never calls him Cole it's Mr every time engage what's your name my name is Kaye Kay k you well you can say it I think that's the beauty of it right my alien alien why not aliens Ali aliens is a similar concept also do you believe in aliens no no what no dude hold on hold on hold on now they teach American history dog exclusively dated women which I get is confusing by the everything and the only reason that I think people would believe that I've exclusively dated women is because I wear so much flannel they must think oh he's a lesbian next time I really tried to date I was in the sixth grade and uh the problem is is and I also don't know why I look like this was taken in a hostage situation but it does from like the middle of Missouri a place called St Clair Missouri which means thank really you're the only one that got out oh my gosh if there's a tractor parked out front I'm like a I know her like that off no you're not a church I am sorry but I know what I look like okay I'm acutely aware if I come up here with an acoustic guitar it's over yeah how great is our God like you can you guys can see it I I get it seem frustrated we thought maybe a gift would help I seem frustrated a gift may be help BBE after the show thank you so much what is this don't clap it could be a bomb we don't know we don't know yet I came to Iowa and I I gu you that's listen guys I've never ended a show early before but I I'm sure you would all understand if I had to wrap things up right there's there's one more thing in here cookies are you kidding [Music] me the [ __ ] is going to have a hard time beating this this is fantastic it's like the perfect consistency too oh my God thank you so much what's your name Christina you are so hot thank you so much oh my God he's a grandma you're a grandma let's put that shower chair to use it's already plastic on the furniture let's make a mess you know how old are you say it say it this is dirty talk to me come on a number 45 40 45 are you serious are you are you from here really we got to get you out of here we got to get you the [ __ ] out of here Minneapolis at least let's just get you out let's just get you down the road you're not married or anything you bunch of [ __ ] idiots oh my God you local morons not marrying this beautiful woman who makes great cookies stupid I'm so sorry what are you divorced how long were you married for 16 years 16 years so sorry how many kids do you have four oh what that's enough though right you have your tubes tied you do I'mma [ __ ] move to the mo these are my sisters your sisters you have three sisters um I'm the old side of nine nine was like to have such a hot older sister does she know she's hot does she know that no she doesn't good keep her humble nothing Christina you're going to be stuck here in Iowa forever unless unless that's gaslighter what's that what was it what did you want to show me was it a bank statement what was it your daughter your daughter this is your daughter show us are you serious no nobody else can see her actually this is I don't want Iowa to know she's out here this is this is your daughter how old is she this is the 21-year-old this is a very tough decision to make you guys I don't know if you ever been put in this position but Jacksonville she in Jacksonville Florida I'll be down there like later on this year she looks exactly like you this is insane yes she does she's gorgeous all right so I'm going to date you for the next 10 years and then we'll we'll trade up [ __ ] this is about to be the most uncomfortable Thanksgiving I've ever been to my damn yeah cuz if you taste this good it's going to be a problem what's your biggest fear losing my kids losing your kids you might find them that's that's bad but if the one in Jacksonville goes missing mind your business okay she's in good hands do got your phone all right let's swipe out of Instagram see what else is in here now let's go through a photo album let's um no [Applause] wait [Applause] wait here's the thing here's the thing I won't open it if you just tell me what's in there I had a lump in my breast you had a lump in your breast and I had a mamogram you had a mammogram recently I'm best friends with my kids mhm and so I facetimed my daughter the hot one uh-huh yeah you're not going to ask for ugly people's advice yeah I totally get it so there's screenshots of her and my FaceTime me with just a tit out [ __ ] that's AAL cuz like you know it's in the palm of your hands did you get the results back yes you're okay I'm okay need a second opinion are you sure text [Music] messages text Maggie Magie your daughter FaceTime Maggie that is not your angle where are you right now hung over a [ __ ] oh my god do this right now do you do you do you know how hot your mom is I know I know you're well aware of your competition right like you know you can't bring anybody home I know um your mom was stupid enough to to give me her phone and I was going through your guys' text history and uh gross but I'm glad I'm glad she got that lump checked out though I checked it out everything's totally okay second opinion everything's totally all right see your [Applause] kitties [Applause] sure did sure did and um you're a lucky [ __ ] I don't know all right Maggie say bye to your mom real quick bye Mama I love you bye Maggie [Applause] them what do you mean [ __ ] them up what do you mean they [ __ ] them up who [ __ ] up your titties the doctor do you have fake boobs [ __ ] um prove it they make sounds what do you they make sounds like like what like like what what's what sound do fake titties make ch- Ching thank you guys for coming on this date with Chris and I I hope you guys have thoroughly enjoyed watching me ruin this family was that what was that what the [ __ ] you're lying that did not just happen you was that a real [Music] [Applause] thing she has a squeaky toy in her titties and you talking to a doll that's crazy oh what I don't think that's a mistake I think that's the best thing to have ever happened you can get squeaky toys inside your titties can you customize them like a Tesla horn

Channel: Winter Vibes

Views: 325,464

Keywords: matt rife, comedy, funny, netflix, stand up, standup, only fans, comedy show, matt rife stand up, matt rife laugh factory, comedian, crowd work, matt rife comedy, standup comedy, roast, dave chappelle, bring the funny, comedy special, reaction, reaction video, comedy central, hbo, netflix is a joke, hilarious, jokes, standupcomedy, wildnout, best comedy, funnyaf, lmao, zendaya, how to, nick cannon, mrlboyd, laughs, laugh, prank

Id: 7cmLZ8ys7o8

Length: 183min 0sec (10980 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 25 2023