NEW! Top 11 Stand Up Moments of 2023 (BEST OF ANDREW SCHULZ COMPILATION)

are you gold star lesbians you had one dick dick you none I know she didn't have any cuz we got the same haircut but but I listen I knew that's my dog right there you know what I mean like yo can I ask you a serious question do you guys sync up like your periods thank God bro cuz that'd be a Royal Rumble every [ __ ] month wait oh you lesbian you [ __ ] so horny women I want to have sex all the goddamn time take a [ __ ] break you're having sex right now isn't lesbian sex that you just lay on each other or whatever take out your little [ __ ] Raphael sword clits and just but every once in a while you need a Don you know we need lesbian consultation so much but not from the girl lesbian I need from yeah I need to I need to talk to them we need some lesbian counsel what was that [ __ ] in The Godfather who wasn't part of the family but he was Tom we need a lesbian Tom yo a tom boy if you will I'm good I'm good cuz you understand the language coming at you when girls yell at men we don't understand the language but you're decoding that [ __ ] like Neo in The Matrix you're like oh I see you [ __ ] oh nope didn't catch me with that one in China invades Taiwan it's Australia and the US that got to defend Taiwan now here's the thing and we haven't had discussion we need to talk to y'all about this a little bit but let's just be honest right now how confident are we that we're going to be able to know who's who right like let's just what US did all right sit the [ __ ] down let's do this bro we got into Sydney yesterday first thing we did off the plane immediately Bondi Beach now incredibly excited to go to bond I've been waiting 2 years to go to bonda beach not because of like the natural beauty don't give a [ __ ] not because of the chicks and the bikinis don't give a [ __ ] I came to Australia for one reason because I wanted to see a full grown Indian man walk into the ocean with jeans and socks on okay listen I didn't believe it was real I did not believe it was a real thing I'm like this got to be set up at bonai rescue there's no [ __ ] way there's no way the Indians Park their Uber get out in the same outfit and walk straight into the ocean and then just [ __ ] float to New Zealand they don't even every Indian in New Zealand started it by Beast Australia's been wild man I saw people protesting Israel Palestine waren that was that was wild bro all these white Australians out there give them back their land saw these aboriginals on the grass like what the give who back that land we don't even want the land we want you to increase the c l just increase the setup and how expensive fuel is I can't even afford to sniff it [Applause] anymore bro we started out west we started out in in Perth we got Perth in the building we got Western Australia in the building you guys know R everybody here knows R Island obviously very very cool I wanted more than anything to go check out the island cuz I wanted to you know see those adorable little creatures they got cover in the island I believe you guys called them the Chinese so they're the cutest little things you can walk right up to them and tickle them and take a selfie pet them bro don't feed them though you can't feed them because they bite and if they bite you you start buying apartments up in Sydney it's crazy bro it's so crazy what happens bro but there's so many Chinese people on Rodz Island the quaca are starting to change bro they don't even smile anymore they go ha they [Applause] come Chinese are taking over R bro they don't even call it R Island they call it Taiwan it's it's [ __ ] that Taiwan [ __ ] is tricky bro I'm going be honest with you because Australia you know if China invades Taiwan it's Australia and the US that got to defend Taiwan y'all know that right now here's the thing and we haven't had this discussion we need to talk to y'all about this a little bit but let's just be honest right now how confident are we that we're going to be able to know who's who right like let's just that's a reasonable question right once China touches land it's going to be the Spider-Man meme night [Applause] we going to have to do shirts and skins for that one y we going to have to do China you guys will be shirts obviously cuz that's where they're made and do you think you could tell a Taiwanese bro just by looking at him we need to learn that [ __ ] or come up with another strategy I don't even want to tell y'all I have a strategy the second the war starts we got to tell every time Taiwanese listen just for this period of time open them up just just for this period of time okay it's like Friday Night Lights Round Eyes Full Hearts can't lose okay Abu Dhabi baby let me understand who's here obviously we got some locals Make Some Noise locals okay everybody who just clapped isn't wearing underwear how awesome is that that they don't wear underwear under the candora so if you smell anything guys this do by ball sweat we're smelling do by ball sweat you know the confidence that y'all got to have in wiping your ass to wear all white bro if I was wearing all white the back would look like I was riding a motorcycle in the rain okay where you y from which Emirate duai you're from Dubai oh welcome how does it feel to be around real money soak it up enjoy enjoy it okay we got Dubai what else we got we got we got sha oh we got some chakis here we got some chakis we got some chamaki behave yourself chachis I know we got chachis we actually we don't even have uh the smoke you see back here we don't have smoke machines that's five chachis with Vapes on each side we say go back there chachis and vape all you want we need [Applause] to I knew there was some chachis here cuz I was in the parking lot and I saw a lot of Lexus 430s so I knew I knew we were going to have a lot of Chach is here today I saw riding real low so be careful ladies the chamaki they're very Charming very they'll hit you with the most Charming thing you could say out here they'll be like [Applause] kti let me take you to the best hotel in all of Abu Dhabi it's the back of a Nissan vitc it's the back n Chara is beautiful man Chara's got the biggest library in all of the UAE right yes and one day ladies you will be able to read the books in there that instead of just cleaning them so let's hope oh we got Saudi here oh my God man welcome welcome I know you guys are brothers and I know everybody you know you're your best friends and everything the Saudis and the emiris they love each other they love as long as they're with each other they love each other and the second they leave they're like yeah but they work at McDonald's we don't do that we don't we we don't have real jobs they have real jobs they have a real job working in a McDonald's we never work at a McDonald's I'm a minister there are so many ministers here bro I I am the minister of air conditioning minister of air conditioning let see if I control all the air conditioning you want to come down you want to go I minister of air condition I am minister of happiness I am minister of Happiness well not me I get the Tha hookers they make the happy but then I [ __ ] come to London [Applause] and and I see this [ __ ] stop the oil protest it was [ __ ] up cuz they throw the orange paint and there was these three girls they're like covered with orange paint I'm like this is [ __ ] atrocious and I got a little closer they were just from Liverpool but uh it's [Applause] you want to see a girl with real lips from Liverpool you got to take off her underwear you're from black pool okay cool nice you guys kept that name that's what's up that's not that W they're like people of color pool that was where is Black Hool he just called it the Las Vegas of the north there is no way in [ __ ] hell Blackpool is like for like 55-year-old woman that they're like celebrating their last abortion like that bro the black guy stood up I'm not talking about you I'm talking about black pool he got scared he's like pools I'll drown I need get me away from her bro how you going to name a city after two mortal enemies black people in water it's like naming a city White ryth them listen we were in Ireland yesterday we got some IRS here bro we had a we had we had this Pub and we had this thing called a spice bag do you guys know what that is okay I didn't know that was food I thought that's what you call Asians and that's what I'm [ __ ] calling him from now on okay I got a [ __ ] hand shot from a spice back in Thailand turned out had a ball back so it was a little I come here today I'm asking people I'm like yo what do you call you know spice B because that's something you guys understand or whatever I go no and I'm like well what do you call like you know Chinese food or like what do you call and uh I didn't think it was possible it would be more racist and hilarious than spice pack I go what do you call it when you go out for some Chinese food the guy goes oh we're going out for a [ __ ] going for a shinky bro only Scot people can be racist and Charming at the same [ __ ] time what do you call it when you go for an Indian a stinky no guys guys we're not going to be that racist see we got some Indians in the front there you go Indian Scots what do you guys think what did he say you just said I I don't know if I can say that one I don't know I can't say that but I can't go out for a Paka stinky later so Amsterdam is changing dude last time I was here y'all had the Black Pete dude and now now it's rainbow Pete you done turned you turned Black Pete gay bro how [ __ ] up is that now there's dudes going down his chimney that's the most disrespectful [ __ ] ever we got to get to the bottom of this but now they got yellow Pete I saw a Asian Pete a Chinese [ __ ] Peter not only does he deliver the present he he makes the presents [Applause] God I remember when I first found out about uh was it schwart pet or something was that the name of it schwart Pete yeah I didn't think it was that bad they were the guy was describing he was like yeah basically is his dude he's with Santa and he goes down to chimney and because he's going down to chimney you know he gets some soot on his face and then because of that you know he's black in the face I go yeah that's normal that's totally I'm like show me a picture of him I was like is there a black hair salon in the [ __ ] chimy as well oh Manchester we got some uh man united fans in the [ __ ] building bro don't boo boo hold on do not boo that means a lot y'all came up from London man I cannot tell you we got Man City out here man City what does it feel like to be in a soldout show what does that feel like no empty seats this must be special for y'all I got to give it up for Man United man I was talking to dude he told me there's a 10 year you tell you if it's the TR 10e wait list 10e wait list to get season tickets 10 year you got to wait 10 years to get your hands on man Jimmy savil couldn't even wait 10 Years bro that's too soon right that's what we told Jimmy bro he would never listen man I swear to God like two weeks ago before I came here I remember thinking like what the [ __ ] am I going to talk about I was so concerned I actually Googled what the [ __ ] is going on in Canada and there was a headline [Music] Punjabi that's what I'm talking about my juts in the building baby let's go all the way from the bramly city center all the [Applause] way I saw the headline Punjabi and said Punjabi separatist assassinated I said oh no they got true though they got it they got him they got just thinder how the hell how the hell did they assassinate just sinder did they force him to kiss his wife on camera how did they then I look up the details of the story the dude was assassinated India sent some [ __ ] here to assassinate I'm like why is nobody talking about this [ __ ] story then I looked up the guy who's assassinated name his first name is Hardeep his last name is spelled n i JJ e r that's too close that's too [ __ ] close I'm sorry white people we can't share this story we got to sit this one out I saw punjabis in the streets like stay his name we're like we would love to but we can't we just can you even give us that pass can you give us an m [Applause] pass and they shot him right that what happened [ __ ] Jesus now to be fair if you're good assassinated in you you got to shoot cuz you can't po cuz y'all eat your food you know Indian stomachs are indestructible bro you could put plutonium and butter chicken and they be like a little spicy a little bit spicy babbe poisoning for white people only bro you could assassinate me with cilantro bro I'm out easy they got shs with a garnish bro they garnished them all I'm saying Tonto is unbelievable an Indian was killed on Canadian soil and it wasn't in a residential school man can you believe and I know for a fact you don't have enough Spanish speakers here cuz Eglington is still [ __ ] up I just want to point that out Eglington is still [ __ ] up I did my best to help last time I did my best I called it out they're building a [ __ ] Subway is that it you're building a train why don't you just cover the top of it just cover the top of it the top is open right now and I think it's because Indians you've been lobbying to be able to ride on top of the train and everybody going surfing [Applause] is that a Mexican baby my man thank you so much for coming go fix the [ __ ] streets please thank you very much thank you that's all you need you see what I do for your city I brought Mexicans here and he felt that there was work that needed to be done he was like okay iin got it I [ __ ] got [Applause] it thank you so much Toronto I appreciate y'all so much I love y'all man I love y'all we [ __ ] did it bro we did it with the Raptors play God bless you all have a wonderful night but you know multiple people have shitty haircuts man it is what it is listen it is what it is you know what I mean you can't come to the show looking like Dragon Ball Z and Game of Thrones together bro that [ __ ] is crazy if Goku was a Targaryen you can't sit in the front row looking like that that's one of the craziest haircuts I ever seen do you got guys even know this guy and how do you know him know each since we were teenagers oh wow and has his has his hair cuts gotten yeah worse yeah roller coaster it's a roller coaster yeah it looks like it was cut while you were on a roller coaster what is what is your job BR I work in it you work in it oh yeah so you're at home you can have that I mean it it's [ __ ] insane right like I thought my was unreasonable but that is like it's so unreasonable I haven't even talked about that guy's shirt yet I've never seen a white dude dressed like an African that just arrived bro you got to stand up so people can see the bro look at this bro is this a first day with her no you're married oh wow okay and this is a normal thing do you put him in this [ __ ] you pick it out you're like nobody going to [ __ ] him in this [ __ ] this is just this is guaranteed faithful baby go put on your faithful shirt I need I need to feel comfy tonight no [ __ ] is trying to Dan some dick from you it's your faithful shirt bro that shirt look like it come with like essential oils and [ __ ] bro what the [ __ ] is this shirt man bro where did you get cuz it's it's supposed to be a Coogi sweater it's by Coogi but they didn't knit it that's not by Coogi that's about some Chinese children that's what that [ __ ] is about bro are you white you are got like a big watch and a pinky ring and [ __ ] what's going on with this guy over here he either got the littlest or the biggest dick there's that's this is not in between Dick Energy Right Here a white dude to dress like that he got to be packing something huge for a White Guy like four or five Ines or something like that T bro for you that's a Tremor right that [ __ ] [Applause] is he pulls out 5 in God Zer hey I'm got to bring out a buddy of mine you absolutely know him the hilarious Andrew Santino is out here one more time I Andrew sches Andrew SCH how that hey bro I wish you would bless us with some jokes tonight one story one story one joke one something two Jews to many that's to many out out I'm trying to think of some on tour we've been on me and Bob were on tour you know Bobby Lee don't you know Bobby Lee yeah well we have fun every time we go on stage we [ __ ] around we have a good time and um Bobby showed his assle the crowd dark midnight Midnight yeah midnight and we got fine 10 grand in Atlanta no yeah it's been a tough run cuz he's doing it in almost every city cuz once once he learned he's like they're fin us 10,000 for it I was like yeah he's like I'm going to do it again every time we go to he's got to show his a little [ __ ] but people like it for some reason I kind of for some reason I kind of like that what up I know just like knowing I could Moon Biden and only have to pay 10 grand yeah that's it is he here Joe are you here he doesn't know yeah sleeping in the B you doing good fighting yeah it's like this you got you picked them I don't know somebody picked them big Arizona did this is Trump country right here 100% yo Trump loves telling a girl he wouldn't [ __ ] you see that was my favorite part he wasn't even talking to the interviewer yeah she's like and what did you say about that other girl like yeah I didn't do it you neither [ __ ] you're not getting D you get nothing she was a five I love that [ __ ] could you win again you think he can win again yeah he can win again he will I don't know if he will raise your hand you voted for Trump somebody yelled over there who voted there you go that guy right there you going to vote for him again if he runs yeah what do you love about him the most well if he's not saying it is bad yeah but we need him to be involved he's fun what if we just had him doing like football on Sundays like just announce the game this guy's mixed so Pat Mahomes I like him but he's mixed and he throws like a black runs like a white he's mixed I don't know about this guy hey Donald the greens look really good I mean the field is cut really down you have anything to say about that I like it shaved down what can I say shave it down raise your hand if you've been to 10 City raise your hand if you've been to 10 city that guy right I can I can see it that flat brim hat says everything where'd you go to 10 City I call drug oh you got called drugs how much and what bar Jesus Christ were you selling it or doing it how much did you have dude over an hour over an hour how long you clean for now 9 years give up for that guy 9 years he what's the weirdest vein you shoted in yeah did you really no way you went the vein underneath soft no you got to beat it up first right you got to just have your dad yell at you a little bit you would never meant to Beast sh okay anybody from outside of uh the country where you from man East turkistan you don't you want to know something crazy most of us didn't even know there was a Turk so adding the direction was wild what the [ __ ] is East turkistan is that where the Wagers are from I was right about that oh I'm good bro so wait a minute you're a weager wao China get her [Applause] no or like West China stamp [Applause] uh that's crazy man so is it true what's going on with them weers I don't even really know what's going on I just know I'm supposed to tell China bad bad China don't do that to those Wagers over there but you don't look Chinese at all cuz you're not Chinese you're from East turkistan okay so it's easy to find you guys you can't hide yeah that's a tough one I don't know how to help them I don't know how to help them bro that's a really tricky one cuz I do understand yeah cuz if Taiwan didn't want to fight they could you be like yo we're on your side and they be like all right but you yeah you're [ __ ] wait do you speak Mandarin or canones you speak Mandarin wow I wish you guys can see what she looks like she just looks Turkish you look Middle Eastern but if you were just spitting that Mandarin that would be so [ __ ] racist sounding oh my God imagine you walked up on her speaking to some Chinese people and she's just going and you're just like this the most racist girl I've ever seen in my entire life it is a amazing to be here at Paris men's fashion week or as Alexander Wang calls it the buffet I think he likes to grab dicks guys you know Colm is a good friend of mine colm's actually uncircumcised his parents are here mom is this true or no okay you don't have to put the light on her okay she's going to sneak into colm's dick to hide just crazy story I didn't believe col and this week he's talking about it Non-Stop and I go prove it prove to me that you're uncircumcised right and he literally takes out his dick and then out of nowhere Alexander Wang just grabs on to it it was [ __ ] CR drop it drop it Alexander drop the dick I asked uh I asked K to dress me cool up he's like what do you want the look look to be I jokingly jokingly I say yeah dress me like a teacher that [ __ ] of students right now that is wrong okay in America that makes you a pedophile okay I know in France that makes you the president's wife but we're not going to talk [Applause] about Bridget mlon she was grabbing dicks like Alexander man I felt that W [ __ ] in the Walch [ __ ] in the

Channel: The Andrew Schulz

Views: 1,348,322

Keywords: andrew schulz, andrew schultz, comedy, comedian, stand up, brilliant idiots, flagrant 2, podcast, sports, entertainment, pop culture, commentary, comedy club, near me, jokes, charlamagne, charlemange, breakfast club, interviews

Id: u73FK8fahLs

Length: 28min 49sec (1729 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 02 2024