HAWAII gets these jokes | Andrew Schulz | Stand Up Comedy

whatever wires and that number got real little all the sudden huh I just learned all about that [ __ ] we got one Hawaiian we got five Liars over there that's what's up and are you trying to get your kids in a good school I'm not blaming you bro 23 of me killed that hustle bro you got oh why it's not coming close to 23andme chill [ __ ] I don't get blood okay you're Hawaiian okay what percentage of you 50% Hawaiian whoa pull and now how do you know say what you said your mom was in moaña that's stupid bro you pick come on bro that's a cartoon movie dog what how do you know your mom's a hundred percent Hawaiian oh my god I don't even know they had left she's what she's rare yeah I mean this is mind boggling we need a protector before the [ __ ] coronavirus takes her ass out huh order any first of all I just want to say that I'm very grateful at the corona bar I'm so grateful I cannot I cannot tell you how happy I am about the coronavirus that I get to experience Hawaii without Chinese tourism I cannot I cannot tell you the luxury the luxury that I have here this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience to drive on the roads and feel calm the entire time how do you manage to crash in a one lane highway Chinese people okay so you sir your mom is 100% Hawaii okay now how do you prove that you can show me a picture and I just got a judge on my racism and she's Hawaiian yeah bro looks like she could have sailed here from Tahiti a few hundred years ago doc got definitely Hawaiian definitely 100% dawg it is weird to come to a place where like everybody hates white people thank God for Micronesians or I would be the most hey I'm just joking Micronesians I'm just joking I'm just joking man we appreciate y'all back there man if y'all can hear us no white people Micronesians really battling for most but most hated on the island right it's if your fork and knife come dirty like he's [ __ ] Micronesians bro just put in the dishwasher come on the [ __ ] I have yet to meet on Micronesia I don't know what they are miss when you decide to bring them over here what [Applause] when you and all the other politicians were like that Island looks good the bomb let's get them off we're all I need a Micronesian in my life oh my lord miss are you are you born and raised here in white it's okay I'm not gonna tease her she's too sweet man - sweet - sweet you're not you're born raised mainland how long have you been here that's the same question sweetheart are you around all these Asians you still can't do math how the [ __ ] that [ __ ] doesn't rub off a little bit or not in there how long have you been here what's your name first of all can I guess Oh Mary that's what I thought white women only had three names up until like ten years ago it was like Mary Nancy Gertrude that's it now why do I get weird names like toast so Mary so Mary okay how long have you lived on the island oh you're just visiting oh okay I was just trying to figure that out why'd you come to the island Oh that'd be sweet if that was the case but I don't think so bro this table is wild man that's it this [ __ ] looks like a porno I do not want to watch this [Applause] these are the Micronesians you adopted play so you're just visiting you're just oh oh well happy birthday miss happy birthday can I ask you how old seven years old congratulation bro Asians I know that doesn't seem like a lot for you because you live forever but in what years has very special seven years old we hiked Coco head today and I got passed by at least a thousand year old Asian woman four times four times I got laughs stepping up haole come on see if Sammy who came here work and then you just kind of like back and forth off and on hung out you're just hanging out it kind of feels like you don't know what you're doing here to be honest it's [ __ ] but I like it it's part of the vibe you did a skydiving see you man if you don't sit the [ __ ] down marry all you did was jump the parachute did all the work you just went also if you die now [Music] there ain't gonna be a tragic death they're you trying to make the news I love your posture you got the best posture she sitting there just like a asian mom like not funny enough why aren't you a doctor what is this profession he's a clown [Applause] all right so we got Hawaiian Hawaiian we have a real-life black okay right now my understanding is also you could not be a Hawaiian but you could be a local that's true okay how many people here are locals okay now are you a local now what makes someone a local you're born here now if let's say this is this is curiosity let's say you're not born here but you adopt the Hawaiian lifestyle yeah do you get to be part of the local community let me add a caveat let's say you're not white in the face and then you're all about the land that everything you're like oh you got to be a local - yeah but if you're white you lived here seventy five years you're like you [ __ ] Halloween go home [ __ ] how will you get off our land how lean I mean we'll take your Wi-Fi but besides that get off our [ __ ] land why is were the most interesting place in the world for me because it's one of the few places where it no matter where you're from you could be from [ __ ] Tennessee and you move here and within ten years you start talking pigeon my mom is born and raised in Scotland has lived almost her entire life in New York and never once and she's like [ __ ] I did never once not not even a question she's Scottish to the bone zero New York accent I have friends who have moved here and then like [ __ ] three years in [Applause] I found one big pumpkin girl took her home but I was well she was missing on her teeth naughty girl fought we were [Applause] where the target is that man no targets at us none they love the dentist way to [ __ ] down that tooth fairy's working overtime and wine I brought us [Applause] Mary what are you drinking Prosecco what's that that's like that sounds like medicine your joints okay Mary Wisco I gotta take my Prosecco gets me a little tired I can have some chicken tenders with that that'd be great excuse me waiter or waitress mr. Ruby Ruby would it be possible to get married another glass of Prosecco why he got by the white girl some drink [Applause] I saw the look right on her face heavy work guys man I love y'all so much man thank you so much for having me you got you got an amazing you got an amazing place here really you got an absolutely amazing place I feel very fortunate what does that mean I wonder long [Applause] [Music] yo boys did y'all make up the whole thing about eating pineapple makes her [ __ ] taste good is that I feel like that's marketing that y'all were like yeah they eat pineapple your [ __ ] tastes good so tourists can come here like some pics if this [ __ ] is alright like I mean that's genius marketing the thing that you guys are known for makes your [ __ ] taste magical brilliant but you only believe it with pineapples you know or mango all that fruit [ __ ] right like New Yorkers like yo yo bagel cream cheese you [ __ ] tastes amazing like bro you put some salmon on that man will bring cheese your [ __ ] gonna be incredible

Channel: The Andrew Schulz

Views: 2,433,344

Rating: 4.9471478 out of 5

Keywords: andrew schulz, andrew schultz, comedy, comedian, stand up, brilliant idiots, flagrant 2, podcast, sports, entertainment, pop culture, commentary, comedy club, near me, jokes, charlamagne, charlemange, breakfast club, interviews

Id: u4l0TSGhWTs

Length: 13min 26sec (806 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 24 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/toytaco1]

Holy shit he's funny! Jokes on the spot!

[u/MaxStout808]

u/Jah-Eazy for mod plz +1