(beeping) (synthesizer music) - We did this one. Did that one. We did that one. We did this one. - You ever consider
throwing the old ones away? They're beginning to smell weird. - It's the musk of companionship. - It's the musk of a lot of things. - Hey! Speaking of musk smelling things, whatever happened to Ripley's
cat in the Aliens franchise? - Jonesy. She leaves him on the company ship before she heads off to LV426. Presumably he lives a
full life after that, which is more than I
can say for his owner. - Oh yeah, Jonesy outlives
Ripley in cat years, not in human years though. - Yeah, in cryosleep years
they both are pushing 90 so. - Which would be like 300 in cat cryosleep years, catosleep. - And yet for Ripley, the events of those movies all take place over a couple a months. - Got it! Today's thing is why
Voldemort is secretly Gandalf. What are you all? No, stop thinking! - Hey, Marty, who are you
supposed to be Clint Eastwood? (laughs) - Okay, so (bleep) the
cards then, I guess, right? Is that what we're doing, just abandoning the cards that I lovingly, tenderly put together for us? - Just, just, let them go, man. There, not so hard. (cards thudding) Sorry, he's sorry. It was for an important moment of growth. - Man, Ripley really doesn't get a break in any of those movies, does she? - No, after she wakes up in
Aliens she's asked to go fight a whole hive of them after
like a couple a weeks. Then she crash lands on that
sexless Friar Tuck planet and immediately has to
fight an alien dog hybrid. Then, depending on you
philosophical views on the soul, that same Ripley who commits suicide at the end of Alien 3 is
resurrected in Alien 4 just as the acid spit hits the fan. That's like a solid month
of pure alien Rambo-ing. - Philosophical? Wait, are you saying? Are you saying women don't have souls? Because I disagree, Soren. Katie, did you see that? I disagree. - I know. - Okay, any time travel
movie plot is a complete mind (bleep) marathon when you look at it from the perspective of the hero. In Back to the Future Marty
McFly spends a week in 1955 only to have Doc Brown
screech into his driveway the next day and drag
him off to the future, then back to the present, then into the past again
all in a single day. - I mean it's like I
was just here yesterday. - You were here yesterday,
Marty, you were! - Then it's another week in the old west, and finally he's dropped off
exactly where he started. For everyone else, those two weeks of
temporal mishaps for Marty all happened in a single quiet evening. - The same thing happened to
Ash in the Evil Dead trilogy. His romantic cabin vacation
that was actually months fighting skeletons in medieval times, to all of his coworkers
that's just a long weekend. - Oh, that's a good one! Hey, did you guys all
realize that The Evil Dead and Friday the 13th take
place in the same universe? - But don't Freddy and Jason take place in the same universe? And in Nightmare on Elm Street they watch the movie Evil Dead. - Yeah, it's real (bleep) up. In Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday we see the Necronomicon from The Evil Dead just laying around
Jason's apartment, right, and in the Friday the 13th chronology that actually takes place in 2003. - Wait, Jason Goes to Hell,
the early 90s slasher? - Yup! Both Jason Goes to Hell
and Jason Takes Manhattan are both post 9/11 in
the Jasonverse timeline. I mean I'm surprised you
guys didn't know that. - Why would we know that? Why would anyone know that? How is that even possible? - 'Cause you read it on a Jason forum and remembered it. - Not what I'm asking. - Oh, the timeline, how
is the timeline possible? Right, okay so the first
movie starts in 1979, and then the next two movies
take place immediately after. Until Jason is hacked to death
by 12 year old Tommy Jarvis, who is played by? Corey Feldman! Come on, none of you guys
Friday the 13th fans? Did you even play the new game? - I mean I watched the first movie, but aren't the sequels all kinda. - Garbage! They're garbage films, Katie. - They have a rich mythology. See, Tommy Jarvis comes
back in the sixth film and he's 17 years old and he
accidentally resurrects Jason using the cemetery fence
as a lightning rod. - Sixth? Accidentally res? Trash! - So that means that the
story skips ahead to the 90s. Then in The New Blood we meet
this girl named Tina Shepard, who's like in the same
place at the same time, but she kills her dad with her
psychic dock buckling powers. (scoffing) The New Blood skips ahead
to 2001 when she's 16 and she resurrects her
father's dead corpse to trap Jason in the
waters of Crystal Lake. - Just absolute garbage. - Then in 2002 Jason takes Manhattan. (crashing) And finally in 2003 the FBI lure Jason and kill him straight to hell! (screaming) (loud explosion) - Whoa, cool! - Yeah, and that is when we
see The Book of the Dead. (gasping) - Okay. - Jesus, file that under
who gives a (bleep). So Jason is 50 in the final movie? - Ehh, he's like 30 in
immortal Jason years. - Which would be 127
in immortal cat years. - How are you calculating
cat years so fast? What have you been doing in your off time? - Oh, speaking of 127, I have one too, Seven the movie, but from
the killer's perspective. - Why aren't you answering my question? - Look. It's dated exactly one year ago today. - Thanks to sloth we know
that John Doe's been planning these murders at least a year in advance, all of which culminate in the murder of Brad Pitt's wife and the placing of her head in a fancy package. - Seems that envy is my sin. - Oh, what's in the b - ox! But, none of that could've been planned for longer than a couple days, at most. Mills has only been on the case, or indeed in town, for a week. So the decision to decapitate his wife had to have been cooked
up at the last minute. - Right, there's even a scene
where he says that to Mills. - I'll be readjusting my schedule in light of today's little setback. - But! Since John Doe is Mr.
meticulous von stabby, we can assume that there
are two other corpses posed elaborately tucked
away somewhere in the city with sins carved into their bodies that the cops just never find. I mean for John Doe the
entire third act of this film is just improvising a good finale for his Riddler killing spree, and all in a single day. Here's how we know: Mills and Somerset show up at the scene of the pride murder in the morning. Later that morning they're
at the police station, and John Doe hops out of
a cab covered in blood and turns himself in. - Detective! - You're looking for me. - We also see Mills sleeping in bed with his wife the night before, which means the last time Mills saw his soon to be headless wife alive was that morning before
he left for cop work. So John doe had to have like broken into his apartment, murdered his wife, and sawed through her spinal column, like first thing in the morning. Like he had to skip breakfast. Then he would have to
neatly package the head without getting any blood on the package, find an all day delivery service, on the Lord's day I might add, and convince them to deliver it to a far off location at
a specific time later. - He said he wanted it here
at exactly seven o'clock. - Yeah, and he couldn't just walk into the shipping center just covered in blood. I mean that means he'd have
to like change his clothes at like a Target bathroom or something. - Which means, to make the scene work
at the police station he had to change back into
his bloody murder suit and take the most awkward
cab ride of all time to turn himself in. - All with time to get booked
and get driven to the desert. That is a lot to manage in a day. - Oh, yeah, it's like
murderer Double Dare. - I could do it. I could kill that much in a day. - I got it! Marvel, Marvel is the answer. - I feel like you weren't
even listening to mine. - We know according to the established MCU timeline, the official one, that the events of Thor, Incredible hulk, and Iron Man 2 all take
place within the same week, all before the events of Captain America, and all after the events
of the first Iron Man where Nick Fury is establishing
the Avengers initiative. So Nick Fury is trying to
build a team of superheroes before he knows that Thor exists, that Captain America would be found, that Loki would attack,
that Thanos was out there, or even that aliens were real. All he has is a bunch a
spin kicking spy buddies, a retired Ant-Man, a blue cube, and the whispers of a green
monster clomping around Brazil. That is a completely unrealistic plan that he got phenomenally lucky for having. - That's true! I mean Tony Stark says that he's Iron Man and then Fury just breaks into his house and invites him to be a part his hypothetical alien punching clubhouse. That's crazy. - But doesn't he know
Hydra exists at that point? - Yeah, but is that really
enough to pour billions of defense spending into
a color coded super team that you really have zero
evidence of the necessity for? I mean 99 percent of the time that would get you pretty darn fired. - It would get you pretty
(bleep) darn committed. We're supposed to see Nick Fury as this badass genius when what's more likely is that he is the Doc
Brown of S.H.I.E.L.D., a discredited maniac stumbling from failed project to failed project until hitting a statistically
impossible jackpot. Bam! (smacking) Daniel did it. Daniel's the best, and he
did it without his cards. It seemed the cards were
inside of the, my cards! - You know, in a way, these cards are your
own Avengers initiative. - How many of those do you actually have? - I don't know, how many consecutive days have we been coming here and doing this, 79, 80? - What, so like it's only
been two and a half months? Feels like much longer. - Well, you've all been rapidly changing your appearance every day so I can see how it would seem that way. Also, it's a lot longer
in cat years I assume. - [Katie] Yeah. - [Michael] I wouldn't know. - [Dan] There's only... - -[Soren] What, you, you? Gah! - [Michael] I can't go the other way. I can't divide cat
years into normal years. You'd need some kind of like cat machine. - Mmhmm. A catculator. Hi there! Thank you for watching. Please make sure to
click the C in the middle to subscribe to Cracked. There are videos on my left
if you want to watch more. And hit the bell if you want
notifications for new videos. Yaayyy.
- Thank you! Hooray. - Bink. - Bink, bonk.
- Bink. (mimicking explosion)
