ADDICTED TO LOVE- Why We Love People Who Don’t Love Back by RC BLAKES

I understand now why I created such an alliance a few months ago with better help those of you that are feeling extremely anxious and you feel the need for someone to talk to there's a link in the bio to better help I think they're the largest online counseling agency licensed counselors someone that you can have helped you through these difficult in anxious times there's a link in the description if that's something you feel like you need I want you to call or link up with them and let's press our way through this but in the meantime know that we love you we're praying for you and as a nation as a world we're going to get through this together our subject is in the form of a question why do we love people who do not love back that's a that's an ongoing theme in my life and in my ministry not only because it's something that people constantly ask me about but this is also an issue that I have had in my own life where I have made more deposits in certain relationships than withdrawals this is an issue I've had in my own life where I've loved people more than they love me back and then they almost blame me for or whatever you know madness went on but why do we do this you know and in a lot of cases invite people to come into this because this is a necessary discussion in a lot of cases it's due to toxic religion you know somehow we have concluded that to be saved is synonymous with being a doormat that because I'm saved I'm supposed to you know just just hang in here and take it and take it and take it and and let the whole world just abuse me over and over and over again and I'm supposed to just you know keep right along but when you read the scripture and you really read it with you know fresh eyes and you're not reading it out of the context of your religious conditioning you'll find over and over again where where God creates balance between you know how we love people and them loving us back and we're supposed to be wise enough to be able to discern if we're making more deposits then we are withdrawals or if they're making more withdrawals from the relationship than they're making deposits and then we're supposed to be wise enough to make adjustments see I can love you just from a different distance I don't have to love you up close I don't have to give you access to my whole life for me to love you I can love you between here and China if that's necessary but look look what the Bible says in Matthew 10 and 14 and whosoever shall not receive you nor hear your words when you depart out of that house or city shake off the dust of your feet don't don't sit there and beg them to hear you beg them to receive you beg them to love you beg them to appreciate you says it is what it is recognize it take off the dust from your feet keep it moving and take every every thing that I've given you and bring it with you in Luke 6 22 it says blessed are ye when men shall listen to this this is interesting friend get back to it blessed are ye when men shall hate you and when they shall separate you from their company and shall reproach you and cast out your name as evil for the son of man say so he's saying you're blessed when men hate you don't love you back cast you out of their company you know sounds like Jesus is saying it's nothing to have a nervous breakdown about you're good three things I want to talk about tonight relative to this question why do we why do we love people who do not love back number one I'll jump right in for the sake of time number one as I pondered this we're snared by rejection you see initially in a toxic relationship and a bad friendship in a bad love affair in a bad marriage in a bad parental child relationship or vice versa initially rejection is like introduced into our lives while we are unaware of what's happening you know you're you're embracing this relationship and you're thinking in your you know in your mind that this is going to be awesome this is going to be Leave It to Beaver type awesome and so rejection introduces itself into our lives while we are unaware and in fact while we are expecting the exact opposite by the time rejection has done its work on our self view our self-esteem and our personal estimation it has rearranged our internal settings to abnormal dysfunctional rejection is like a virus to use some popular language now rejection is like a virus that depletes the soul of all the antibodies necessary to fight the rejection of rejection leaves us longing for the very thing that's killing us because it creates a deficient soul and rejection - a deficient soul becomes as an addiction when your mind your will and your emotions have been depleted the rejection becomes as an addiction when your soul is deficient rejection becomes addictive now deficient soul is a soul that is out of sync with God and unaware of God's unique value and purpose a deficient soul is a soul that is out of sync with God and it is unaware of God's unique value and purpose that he has placed up on the soul itself a deficient soul is a person with broken consciousness who is expecting others to repair them now when a person has not been nurtured and loved completely there resides a void in the soul which makes the soul deficient along with that void comes a desperate desire to have that area area filled this desperation creates a sort of panic that turns off the intelligence and turns down the voice of the Holy Spirit discernment the person then proceeds to make a total investment watch this of love and energy into the first person that shows up in his or her life they just want to love them because the rejected soul feels like I can love you into loving me back now when the relationship begins to go in a direction that is obviously toxic the victim is incapable of distinguishing between abuse versus normal behavior that's how rejection breaks the soul it breaks the soul to the point that there is no more discerning between what is good or bad what is right or wrong what is proper or improper rejection and abuse have now at this point become the norm excuse me so now rejection is like a drug that gets introduced to the soul and becomes an addiction watch this we don't want it we realize the detriment of it but we don't know how to break free from the ironic attraction to the thing and person that does to us the greatest harm it's like a drug addict you know drug addict knows that the heroin is not good but he knows he didn't even want it but you know he doesn't need it but he doesn't want it but he wants it he got to have it you know and he said once he gets it and rejection does that to the soul when a person has not been nurtured and loved properly and and an individual comes into that person's life and they introduce rejection rejection becomes a toxic bond the person knows that this is not good for me I don't even want this but somehow I keep reaching for it somehow I don't know how to pull away from it somehow in the back of my mind I'm believing that this is all I'm worth this is all I deserve now letter 8 under rejection why why does rejection do this to us number letter 8 rick rejection bruises the ego all of us have one rejection bruises the ego which causes the victim to return for more to satisfy the need for human validation and to appease the twisted measure of value that the victim has attached to the rejecters validation in other words when I reject you there's something that it roses your ego and there's something in you when you're not fully invested into the things of God and you're and you've not been developed in terms of your soul to be able to kick out stuff that should not even have a have an audience in your mind when I reject you there's something in you that says I have to make him accept me because he's the one now you may have a whole line around the block of people that are ready to take my place to be substitutes but there's something that happens in the mind of the victim that you have to have you have to have the the person that actually did the rejecting to be the one to actually accept you and there's something that you've attached to the to the to the victimizer there's a validation that you would feel if the victimizer accepts you that you won't you won't you won't have that sense of validation from anyone else watch this not even will you have that validation from God because in your mind you need the person that did the crime to be the one to show up and to bring closure and they bring closure by what finally affirming you when you look in Genesis 29 I'll just mention it because I'm gonna read it again 32 to 35 there you see the the story of Leah and I talk about it all the time Leah and Rachel were married to Jacob he loved Rachel he hated Leah and and Leah just bent over backwards trying to get Jacob to affirm her trying to get Jacob to accept her I mean she went to unbelievable lengths because she was struggling she kept on pouring her love out on somebody that did not love her back because she was struggling with rejection letter B on the rejection we have we have many times relational ideals that we desperately strive to satisfy even though those ideals were never shared by the other person it's hard for you to process your snare by rejection it's hard for you to process because you had one idea about what this was going to be it was the ideal idea but the thing you fail to do was to discern if the individual that you are pouring all that is making all of this investment into this emotional investment into you fail to discern if that person had the same idea or shared the same ideal and so you gave and gave and gave let me read this when we have when we have these broken ideals we tend to take it personally when the relationship does not go in the direction of the ideal this is why it's hard for people to let go of bogus marriages or bogus relationships when you get into it and you thought that the other person was really all-in like you and you discover that they're not well let me finish reading this he says when we have these broken ideals we tend to take it personally when the relationship does not go in the direction of the ideal this also creates a mental block that won't allow us to accept the reality can accept this because this is not what I saw we are addicted to the fantasy ideal when aim was 3 and 3 clearly tells us that you know ask the question can two walk together except they be agreed we were never agreed in the beginning but because we were carried away with this fantasy ideal we just brushed all that other stuff under the rug we we ignored red flags and we just went all you know full steam ahead and then we got in the middle of it and when it was time to put up or shut up we realized that the other person did not bring to the table what we brought and so now the rejection you know is messing with the ideal that I had in my mind this was supposed to be it the Bible says in 2nd Corinthians 6:14 through 16 in the ASV version it says be not unequally yoked with unbelievers for what fellowship of righteousness with righteousness and iniquity for what common a communion hath light with darkness and Concord hath Christ with Belial or what portion hath a believer with an unbeliever and what agreement hath the temple of God with idols for we're we are a temple of the Living God even as God said well you get the point you know you had this ideal but you're connecting you're trying to come into covenant with somebody who never shared your ideal nor did they share your ideas but now the ideal in your mind won't allow you to accept the obvious rejection so you can't dust your feet because your mind is on a chain your brain is on a chain and your mind is on a lock and it's connected to a fantasy ideal and then let us see in the rejection we have an expected return on our investment into the relationship we we can't accept the rejection with snared by the rejection because we've made such an investment and you know the first thing people want to talk about when they have these toxic relationships is how much time they spent there how many years I've been here you know all I've put into it and so forth it's all and it's like you're discounting the time that you have left for the time that you've wasted and I hate to be so blunt about it but the time that you've wasted on something bogus somebody that never was reciprocal you're willing to sacrifice what you got left because of what you've wasted it's like the gambler that sits at the at the machine and and spins nine thousand dollars loses nine thousand dollars and goes back up to his room and sees the last 1000 dollars sitting on the desk or the table and rather than clutching to that and appreciating that in valuing it he says well I've put I've lost nine I may as well lose that's a sick brain so number one we we love people who do not love back because we are snared by we're snared by by rejection rejection becomes like a drug that keeps pulling us calling us back and taking more and more and more away from us number two we are suffering from toxic empathy only have three and then I'm out we're suffering from toxic empathy empathy is that that ability to be able that normal people have to be able to feel another person to you know feel for another person to emotionally put yourself in another person's shoes to be able to be empathetic to be loving to be caring you know what normal people have what narcissists lack and do not possess the ability to feel for others and to give to others when they're in need but then there's this thing called toxic empathy toxic empathy this is when one person over identifies with somebody else's feelings and issues the person the toxic impact literally takes the other person's stuff on as their own they go as far as to even accept the blame for the other person's behavior in the relationship you you you you make excuses for why that person abuses you or he beat me up because I popped off at the mouth come ona it's toxic empathy it's implicit to the point that you abuse yourself to appease others it's where you dismiss yourself to cling to others it's where you become a self abuser now an empath is one that is the exact opposite as I said of a narcissist they not only feel the pain and emotion of others they absorb and internalize it when that empathy becomes toxic and some of you are struggling with that you keep on attracting people that don't love you back because you're identified as a toxic impact you are a person that will hurt yourself to appease others not just those that you know it's not like you just overextending yourself and and you're sacrificing for those that love you back but you're a person that take people who are snakes and you give them everything you got and anybody else's who will lend it to you and you keep on attracting these kinds of people because you are a toxic empath now healthy empathy you got to understand this and I'm challenging some of y'all's toxic religion right now healthy empathy has boundaries and limits toxic empathy has no limitations and will drive the empath to self-destruction when I say healthy empathy has boundaries and limits I mean loving a person should not be limitless a person should not just be able to do anything to you and you just gonna still be there pouring yourself into that their limits their boundaries I mean if you well-adjusted and healthy there has to be boundaries you just can't sit there and anything goes and people can just walk into your life and wreck your life over and over and over again and you still sitting there with your arms wide open I'm gonna come do it to me again and then blame that on God blame it on the Bible blame it on spirituality it may be spiritual buddy the Holy Ghost look listen to what the Bible says in Matthew 10:37 he that loveth father now pay attention to the wording he didn't love her father mother more than me is not worthy of me and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me no no you got to pay attention to the wording he that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy the message that Jesus is indirectly communicating is that there must be limits and boundaries on even the most intimate relationships to maintain spiritual or divine balance you should love no one where there are no limits where there are no boundaries and there are too many of us who have been broken to the point that we have erased the boundaries we have eliminated the limits and people are just Rams shacking our lives and we're praying and we're asking God to do something in the reality is that that's in yours that's within your jurisdiction Jesus says you got to even have limits if you go stay in balance with me you got to have limits with mother and father's you got to have limits even with sons and daughters ok letter A people with toxic empathy you take on the responsibility for fixing other people's issues this guys can given the money that you can't afford to staying in a relationship that doesn't fulfill you but it makes them happy so you because you're toxic empath you stay because you don't want to make them unhappy second Thessalonians 3 and 10 says for even when we were with you this we commanded you that if any would not work neither should he eat but how many toxic impacts are spoon-feeding people taking care of people that won't lift a finger for you and then you blame this on God let it be you feel guilty for choosing your heart and don't know how to say no to them you know you know that you want to go in a different direction but you just don't know how to say no it's kind of like that young prophet in first Kings 13 you can write to look at verses 15 through 22 I won't read it for the sake of time but I'll tell you the story God gave a young prophet has a certain instruction to him going give the word come out don't stop at nobody's house an old false prophet caught him and said the Lord told me to get you and bring you home he didn't know how to say no he went home with the old prophet and while he's sitting at the old prophets table old prophet pronounces because you didn't obey God you won't die and he he died he was a toxic him he did not know how to say no toxic impacts do not know how to say no your heart is saying one thing but your mouth always say says something different let us see you create an identity in serving them in other words it becomes codependent you don't know what you would be you you don't know what your identity is apart from this toxic dysfunctional relationship so you hang on to it because it's where you find your identity this is where you actually need to meet other people's needs to feel personally fulfilled now let me get out of here number three third reason that we love people that do not love back we're caught up in that was snared by rejection we're caught up in toxic empathy and then number three we're caught in the approval trap and I kind of alluded to it you're caught in the approval trap the approval trap is where you have a psychological need for the same person that rejected you to accept you the approval trap is where you have a need for the same person that opened the wound to stitch you up you become obsessed with the acceptance and the validation of the very person that broke you so it doesn't matter that God sends a tremendous stepfather into your life doesn't matter that you have a stepfather that is ideal loves you unconditionally provides for your sacrifices for you is every example you need in the world in your in your soul your soul is so broken you can't get beyond the dude that donated the seed to recognize that God has already met the need in your step father you're caught up in the approval trap because the person that brought me I'm only valid if they come back and repair me going back to Leah in Genesis 29 31 through 35 man you read the full chapter you just keep on reading she kept on having baby after baby after baby took a break and then she gave Jacob one of her maids or something so he could make babies with her then she came back start having more babies falling caught up in the approval trap now the person that broke you does not possess the depth to heal you the best thing you can do with the person that broke you is forgive them and move forward with your life unless God has done something radical in them and they've grown other than that the best thing you can do is to forgive them and move forward with your life because once you get caught up in that approval trap where you mine gets locked in on I need the person that did me wrong to say they're sorry I need the person that did me wrong to come back and to finally do me right and the Bible says in proverbs 29 and 25 and 26 says the fear of man brings bringeth the snare but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe safe many seek the rulers favor but every man's judgment coming from the Lord never get caught up in the approval trap needing that meaning the approval of men the only approval you need is the approval of your Heavenly Father and when you have that man's approval matters not so let me pray for you tonight father I thank you for just the revelation to even address address this issue at this time and father now my prayer is that you will give every person watching this and even those that were watch to replay the strength to be able to pull through this to recognize these issues and to put these things into divine order because it is not your will God that we would be slaves in this way and so it's in Jesus's name that we thank you for total victory amen amen amen amen one of the things I'm most proud of is the way my message relative to queen ology has rolled out and is yet expanding and increasing I am really excited about it you know the the staple of what I do and who I am is centered around the empowerment of women that have been broken by society broken by systems and traditions that have emptied the self-esteem bank and robbed the woman of her consciousness and if this is your first time ever seeing me you know that or you should know that I wrote this book queen ology this book is written to a woman who is in search of who she really is then we also created the study guide to go along with it and I'm excited about these works but along with these I have also created I haven't talked about it much but I've also created an online course that extends the conversation the book and the study guide deal with what I call the five tenets of queen ology but the the online course takes the conversation even further and even deeper it's a compilation of many of the messages that I've done randomly on social media for instance session one there ten sessions to the online course it's about seven or eight hours of content session one the unconscious queen session to your throne is a terrible thing to waste session three becoming comfortable in your crown session for the daily habits of a conscious queen session five adjusting your mindset as a mature Queen when you get to that age where you know society says you're value has diminished what a lie how do you adjust your mindset as a mature Queen number six or session six Queens and business success session seven seven things a queen conscious woman never does with a man session eight how Queens love their Kings session nine Queens ask questions in session Tim eight Queens self-work now the thing I'm most excited about is that along with the thus the ten sessions we have also created a 113 page PDF downloadable workbook just like I have for the physical book but this is a workbook that is centered around the content for the online course it's a hundred and thirteen pages and you have access to that you'll be able to download it all of it at one time and put it into a binder or you can download it as you go after every session I suggest that you do the work that's in the work the work that you will do inside of the study guide for the online course includes key scriptures principles to remember questions to answer actions to take and then we have personal declarations that we make after each session so I'm extremely excited about how queen ology is evolving I'm extremely excited about the online course the book the study guide I'm extremely excited and I have plans for the future that I'll tell you about at a later date but right now I want you to go to RSC Blake's calm and I want you to purchase this online program I promise you it's going to change your life

Channel: RC Blakes, Jr

Views: 43,324

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Keywords: rc blakes

Id: pKCLsAx4oVA

Length: 35min 47sec (2147 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 27 2020