- You don't know me. (laughs) - You're right, you're right. (laughs) - [Announcer] Smosh Pit Theater. (upbeat music) - Guys, I was going through
my diaries the other day, I actually stumbled upon a script that I wrote when I was 16 years old, a pilate called, "Hate Date Destroy." - Did it get picked up ever? - No, It never got picked
up by CVS Unfortunately. I think I wrote it like, just fantasizing about what I wish my life
was like or something, (exclaims) but this is very close
to what Riverdale is. Like, where it's like, "Oh,
my God drama, oh, more sexy." - I mean like fan. - The lead characters are as follows, we have Kameron who is
the lead female actress. She's just like this cool, popular, funny but like, she hates being popular, but she like loves funny people and like wishes everyone could get along. - That's like, literally me. - And then we have the male lead, Marcus. Who he's super funny also and hates the system of popularity. Emma is like, I made her
the ditzy slutty one. Like that was the term that I was like, "That's what it's okay to say, right?" Kate is supposed to be the funny friend, never wrote a single joke for her. - That's you. - I'm playing Kate, sick. (laughs) And then we have Marcus
his best friend, Trent, who is also supposed to be the funny one. I don't remember how many
jokes I wrote for him. You're Trent? Hell, yeah, just somehow he knows
everything about the school. And we have Jack the Jock. - Yo, I'm Jack the Jock. - He keeps everybody in line,
the status quo, you know. - Don't break the status quo. - All right, and then there's also Tara. I think I just wanted a girl
for my main character to hate and I feel bad about her now. She was just like trying
to have a good time. We normally have our red curtain for our Smosh Pit Theater, but this time we really
want to immerse you guys in this script, so we have a green screen. We're gonna be queuing in the many glamorous
destinations in this script. I.e, trashy parties and locker room. - Are you guys ready
for "Hate Date Destroy?" - Yes (laughs). ♪ God it's killing me ♪ ♪ But I just wanna be a millionaire ♪ ♪ A millionaire ♪ (upbeat music) - Interior party night, Kameron
is sitting on the couch, observing the party before her. She nonchalantly ignores
a drunk boy next to her, trying to flirt. (laughs) - And I was the second
period and I was like, "I'm 19, I shouldn't
even be in this class." (laughs) But, not that I care, because if you just show up
places totally plastered. - Suddenly the front door
catches her attention, a few unpopulars are out the door. Jack, the host of the party,
isn't letting them in. - What the hell are you docks doing here? You don't belong here. - Kameron rolls her eyes and
notices a stranger Marcus, also rolling his eyes. They make awkward eye
contact and look away, the unpopular exit. So you guys can come back over here. (laughs) And then Jerry you get hyped (laughs) Oh my God, oh my God. - They were like nine ways
to do the thing you wanted, this is the worst one. (laughs) - Suddenly, Kam is stormed by her best friends, Emma and Kate. (giggles) - So Kam, are you gonna
hook up with anyone today? - Emma is that all you think about? - Prude (laughs). - Kameron decides to
look over her shoulder, scanning the room, she
sees the stranger Marcus. - Who's that? - (exclaims) That's Marcus
Mather, he's so fine. - So who are those girls over there? - You only like me for my knowledge. Let's see, Emma Semper. (laughs) - To ditsy. - Ooh, Kate Gecello, dibs. - She drops her phone and
bends over to pick it up. - Hey, what about her? - Oh, Kameron Blue Farynista? (laughs) You probably don't recognize her because she's not normally at
these types of parties. It's not really her scene. - Kame looks over and
casually checks him out. - Go for him Kami Blue, I dare you. - He's the beast cheese way. (laughs) - Kameron gets off the couch and starts to cross over to the party when she's stopped by big
muscular host of the party, Jack. He's drunk. - Hey, I see you finally decided to show. - (groans) This is true,
thanks for inviting me, Jack. - Do you wanna know something? - Definitely. (laughs) - Well, most girls look at me and... - Blow chunks? Me too. - Kameron laughs as he
swiftly snatches her away and leads her up the stairs. She laughs and smiles to
herself, waving goodbye to Jack. Marcus leads Kameron out
onto the empty balcony as they laugh. (laughs) - Yeah, you're welcome. (laughs) - They both lean against the rail. - These types of scenes
are so predictable. - Marcus is looking at the stars. - To some, but, I tend
to make it interesting. (laughs) - Oh, like you're cute
little standing there. - Cute in what context? - Marcus leans closer,
Kameron looks up to him and down for a bit, then looks away. - I've seen better. (laughs) - You don't know me. - (laughs) You're right, you're right. (laughs) - But people are predictable too. - Okay, so you're saying I'm predictable. - What is going on here, this is predictable. - (laughs) they both silent for a moment and can't help but laugh. (laughs) Marcus takes Kameron's hand and they kiss. - Well lets green screen them closer. (cheering) (upbeat music) - So did anything else happen? - No, I just left, I barely know the guy. - I just had class with
Marcus and I heard something. Jack was asking him how you were in bed. (exclaims) That's all I heard. - What? Me? You think I had a one night stand? - Maybe Jack was just joking because Marcus pulled that robbery on him. (laughs) - Emma laugh hesitantly. Kameron looks sad. Enter Marcus. - Hey, you forgot to give
me your number on Saturday. - What are you telling people? - What do you mean? - Oh, what do I mean? - Let's see, apparently we got it on. Is that what you're trying
to get people to think? Marcus's jaw drops and
one eyebrow perks up. (laughs) - No. - Enter Tara. Suddenly the random
drunk, popular girl, Tara from Jack's party cuts in front of camera. She spoons at Marcus. (laughs) - Hey Marcus. Why didn't you hang out
with me at Jack's party? (laughs) You would have had twice the fun. (laughs) - She winks and walks off. Kameron is shook and
Marcus does a fast bum. (laughs) - Was that why you said
that to get more attention? - I didn't say anything. What's the big deal anyway? People hook up all the time,
I mean, you saw that girl. - You are just like the rest of them. You go way too far trying
to build a good reputation for yourself so you can score. Well, sorry, that's not happening with me. - What makes you think
I'm that type of person? I resent those types of people. - "I'm not like other guys",
blah, blah, blah, blah. You're just as obsessed with being on the top of the food
chain as everyone else. - You're wrong. I'm not even good friends with
those insecure top feeders. - Marcus scoffs. - And what would getting with
you do to help my reputation? You think you're such a rebel, a little outcast ball of
fire that everyone likes? - School should be a place for education, but people like you turn this place into a hellhole popularity contest. - Great description. (laughs) Look, Jack was joking around. He's just annoyed because I pulled the robbery on his ass, okay? (laughs) (indistinct chattering) - Not like I would have hooked
up with him anyway, he's... - Not cool enough for you? High school hierarchy is a joke. - The bell rings it's time for class. The two stand there, staring
at each other, still upset. - Whatever. (bell ringing sounds) (upbeat music) - You really made it before bell. - Same goes for your puberty. (laughs) - Did you hear that Emma is
having a bash this Saturday? - Marcus pulls out a book. - Vaguely. - Well, this one is gonna
be twice as exclusive. Invite list and everything, you down? - I don't know. - Heck, we'll get in trouble for just walking and talking like this. - We can't get in trouble for all getting our periods at the same
time, we've got an alibi. - Was I too harsh with my invite list? I feel bad. (laughs) - Just like, don't have a list. - No way, my house got trashed last time. - Dude, What is with
you and that Blackberry? (laughs) - Dude, you're lucky you know me. I'm not sure what started this? Probably just because
I'm super trustworthy, but I literally know everything there is to know about this school. - I call bull. - No seriously. Did you know that Mr.
Farson is having an affair with the nurse? Here's proof. - Trent shows a picture on his phone, catching the teacher kissing the nurse and grabbing her butt. - That's just wrong. - Wrong and true. I've got the inside
scoop on everyone, man. People just tell me and they're all fixed. So guess what I need? - What? Gossip girl? - These names are files,
each name has dirt on them. Look, the girl walking
these hallways as we speak, worked at a strip club
for a month last summer. - (exclaims) Bull (bleep). - I'm trusting you with
all this Marcus Mathers. - This... - Martial Mathers. (laughs) - You've been my best friend
for the last seven years, I feel it's time to get in on this. - He places his rumor filled
phone into Marcus's hand. Marcus proceeds to
scroll through the phone, reading crazy rumors,
the taps with videos, snapshots, recordings, everything. - Isn't it great to be popular? - To some maybe. (laughs) - So XO, gossip girl. (laughs) - Emma's party is gonna be a disaster. Why am I even going? It's so like not my scene. It's not fair that average
people can't have fun. The stupid popular
people don't even bother to get to know anyone
outside of their circle. I hate that word, popular. If I could take control of this school, everything would change. (exclaims) (upbeat music) - The school needs to
embrace its diversity. Why is it that the only
acceptable kind of girl here is a ditzy blonde in a miniskirt. - Ditzy blonde walks by - (laughs) Atomic blonde. (laughs) - There's gotta be more to
this school than that, right? - Suddenly he gets
flashbacks of that party, Kameron's smile, her laugh, her kiss. He shakes it off. (laughs) - No, Kameron is just like the rest. She's just as obsessed
with being on top as I am. On top, God. It's all about popularity in the school and still she thinks she
can just bitch her way up, not around me. (upbeat music) - Emma strides across the
room in her new dress. - I'm hooking up with Trent tonight. (laughs) - Kameron Blue, what are
you gonna do tonight? (laughs) - Avoiding Marcus. (exclaims) He's so annoying, (grunts) irritating. - What would (mumbles) - Come on man, she's hot. - I'm so done with superficial chicks. They've got nothing else better to do than uphold a reputation. There's gotta be someone out there who hates this stuff as much as I do. - Trent leaves and gets his
wall next to his Burnham poster. (laughs) - It's not like I strive
to be in the popular crowd, these are just the
people I get along with. Plus they're dumb and funny to watch. T shirts time. (laughs) - That's the boys' version
of (mumbles) party. (chattering indistinctly) - T shirt time. (laughs) (upbeat music) - Kameron notices Marcus across the way, laughing with cheerleader,
Tara and the Jocks. (laughing) Emma joins Kameron getting a drink. - He's such a hypocrite. - Trent? I don't know, he's a good guy. - No, Marcus. He says he doesn't care about
social status yet there he is being a total man whore
with that cheerleader. - Jealous match? - No, I did my time with that guy. Plus Tara from cheer? Anyone can do better than her. - Anybody at this party and maybe. I only invited top of the
list people to this party, so standards are high, right? - Emma, Danny Parker is saying you're hot and stuff, hit that. (giggles) So Trent is pretty much
the funniest guy alive. - (grunts) Just look at him. - We both here over at Marcus to see Tara putting his arm around her. Marcus looks awkward as they
walk away from the Jocks. (laughs) You guys can exit at any time. (laughs) - So Trent actually told me that you were Marcus's first hookup ever. - Yeah, right. - Seriously. - Whatever, he's disgusting. (laughs) - I'm about to go make out with
Danny in my room (giggles). Jack just told me, Marcus
and Tara went up there, so I got to clear them out
first, that's my makeup spot. (indistinct chattering) - She storms off. (laughs) She burst through the door. She looks to see Tara
seductively draped on a bed and Marcus awkwardly
standing off to the side. (laughs) - What the hell? - Jesus Christ. (laughs) - Kameron grabs Marcus's arm
and yanks him out of the room, down the hallway into the bathroom. They're in the bathroom
now, Marcus rolls his eyes and lets out a sigh
and leans on the scene. (sighs) - Let me get this straight, you don't care about your social status, but you'd go right to the plastic
Barbie dolls for a hookup? - What? You're only frustrated because I'm not falling head over heels for you. - Kameron (gapes) again. And Marcus can't help but laugh
at the insanity of it all. (laughs) - All you girls do is want the coolest guy in the room to go for you. And that's what Tara wanted
when she came on to me. - So we see a shot outside the bathroom and now a very drunk
Tara walks up to the door and starts listening. - Yeah, right. And you went right for
that STD infested little... - Shh, she's not the one
with the STD, believe me. - What? I was just kidding. Wait, what? Who has an STD? Do you have an STD? (laughs) - It's Maya Kendall. - (groans) What? She's in my history class. - Listen, Trent has a list of all the dirt on
everyone at this school. - What? I mean, I guess that's believable. If Kate trust Trent, then everyone must... - Yeah. - What else is there? - Can I trust you? - Kameron smirks. - Because obviously we
have each other wrong. I don't care where I am
on the social food chain, but I'm happy where I am now. - Same. - They smirk at each other. (laughs) - Okay, so get this. Brett has a dog, but the
dog like killed a guy, Janice, she voted for Trump. Stephen peed his pants. - Who's in there? - I don't remember. - I'm dead serious. - And then entering is Jack and the Jocks. - You'll never believe what I just heard. - The dude starts telling the many things he heard with the whole group and the next thing you know, people are bickering
and fighting and crying. You name it, it's chaos. Are you guys gonna do chaos? (shouting) - There is no way that these are all real. - Oh, you're so annoying. If Trent has it, it's true. - There's crushing downstairs
and they're suddenly all aware of all the showing going on
in the rest of the house. - What was that? - They burst out of the bathroom, Tara, falling down with the door (laughs) - Who are you? - She passes out. - (mumbles) you killed her. - So Marcus and Kameron
run down the stairs. See Jack has a bloody lip and
he's shouting at another dock. (shouting) And Kate runs up to them. - What the hell is happening? - Someone spread a ton
of rumors about everybody throughout the house. - [Both] Tara! - All the cast on stage is fighting. (chattering) - I didn't do it. - You're happy about this? - It's what I always wanted. (laughs) - Me too. (upbeat music) - Kameron is clearing out
people from the backyard. So let's kick them off. (laughs) - Trent and Marcus have already cleaned up most of the house. They enter, drop their trash and give each other a high five. Marcus, Trent, Kate,
Emma, and Kameron remain. - Everything looks great, except Emma, I'm pretty sure everything's ceramic that you've ever owned is
broken and in the sink. - Emma groans and trudges inside. Kate and Trent follow leaving
Marcus and Kameron alone. - Trent's gonna kill you. - Maybe if he finds out,
but that was kind of... - Awesome. And actually kind of gives me an... - [Both] Idea. - Oh God. (laughs) - If what we did in there was an accident, - He puts his hand on Kameron's shoulder. - Think of the things
we can do on purpose. (laughs) - We could control the whole school. - Rule the school even. - Their eyes gleam,
imagining the possibilities. - I can't even fathom our capabilities. - I didn't even tell you
a fraction of the secrets, including... - Including what? (laughs) - I can't say it. (laughs) Trent begged me to keep
quiet about this one secret, most of all, it's serious Kam. - Marcus, you can trust me. - Together, you and I
could unveil the school for what it really is and change it. We can help the school, Marcus. - But with the secrets in that phone, we need to get our hands dirty. - I'm down. - Me too. - They can't handle this tension anymore. They grabbed each other and kiss the kiss that they've been
waiting to since the beginning. (laughs) - Well, that was nuts. (laughs) - It's settled then, now what is a secret? What is it about? Marcus moves in close,
suddenly he's teary eyed. - Trent. - The end. (cheering) - Has this ever happened to you? - I love how we so firmly established that the main characters are just the villains. - Yeah. - We're gonna ruin everyone's life. - This is a great pilate, Courtney. - Of all the fanatics we've done, of all the diary things we've acted out, I think this is the most
like story coherent. Like, it's I know it sounds
like I'm dragging you, but I'm not like it's
weird to see the growth from like younger Courtney
to like teenage Courtney and be like, "All right,
there's some plot." - I actually did like the
gossip girl, like, that was... - Thanks guys, I like 16
year old Courtney now. (cheering) - Also, I think everyone
did a great job acting. I think though the
breakout star was Jackie. - Yeah. - You would win an MTV
breakout star award for this. - Thanks guys. - Thank you guys. If you can relate to being in
such drama gossip girl life, what the (bleep) am I saying? Comment down below. Somebody else helped me out now. - Hey, be sure to spank
that little subscribe and get yourself a nice cup of tea. Sit back, relax and have a good day. But if you're not done watching
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just appreciate you watching. We hope you have a grand old day. - Agree. - [All] Bye.
