- That's right, everyone is dating
everyone else all the time! - I knew it! - Ooh, slapping noises and moisture! (Shayne laughing madly) - Courtney throws her a meaningful look with 10,000 words behind it. - I can't even say anything
else or I will upset the fans! - Courtney! - [Announcer] "Smosh Pit Theater." - Hello and welcome back
to "Smosh Pit Theater." - Yes!
(comeidans clapping) - Good show. - Tis us, the actors. Anyways.
(comedians laughing) On this show previously,
we have read fanfictions that Smosh fans have written. And on today's episode,
we are reading fanfictions written by us.
- Oh! - Oh ho! - And they are spicy! - Oh, oh, oh! - I have written a script! Damien!
- I have written a script! Sorry, do you wanna say it? - Let's start that again. I have!
- I have! (Courtney laughs) - I have written a script. - Damien has written a script! - Jackie has written a script! - Whoa! - I'm pretty sure all three of us wrote very different types of fanfictions. Anyways, before we begin, make
sure to like and subscribe, hit that notification
bell, all that stuff. - Whose idea was this? - This was my idea. I really wanted to write fanfiction, so I thought it would be really funny. We're about to see if it's
funny or if it's really awkward. Anyways, I think we're
gonna start with my script. - Oh!
- Oh! - So, everyone will be playing themselves. Ian, you will be reading stage direction. - Wonderful!
- Okay. Written by XXXSmoshLoverXXX. - Yeah, I used my Wattpad name. This script is called "Secrets." (comedians clapping)
- Ooh! - [Courtney] Oh, secrets! - Interior, "Try Not to Laugh" set, day. The cast are finishing up with
another "Try Not to Laugh." Shayne, 5'10", walks
out holding a red phone. Noah is seated on the stool. - Hi, Domino's? You're my favorite pizza place! - Noah bursts out in extreme laughter. - (laughs) Shayne, that's the greatest joke
of all time, Shayne! - Everyone runs out. (comedians laughing) - This has been another
"Try Not to Laugh." - Make sure to! - [Everyone] Like and subscribe! - From off-screen, a
director yells, cut, and cut! (comedians laughing) The gang continues to laugh
and pat each other on the back. (comedians laughing) - Great job, guys. Another great day of
filming "Smosh Pit" videos with my best friends! - That's right, I
couldn't ask for a better group of friends, who are
only friends and nothing more! - Friends and nothing more! - To friendship! - [Everyone] To friendship! - As everyone walks off,
Shayne stays to clean up. Jackie, who is five feet, nine
inches tall, lingers behind. - Great job today, Shayne. - Oh, you too, Jackie. - You looked really cute
while making your jokes. - Shayne gasps. - (gasps) Jackie, be careful. The others might overhear,
and then find out! - Oh, find out what? - That you and I are secretly. - [Ian] Shayne averts his gaze. - More than friends. - [Group] Ooh! - I know, I know! It's just so hard to keep it a secret. I just love being more
than friends with you. (Kimmy laughs) - Me too, but no one can find out. Anyways, I should go. - Before he exits, he gives
Jackie a sly smile and a wink. (Jackie gasps) Noah, who is 6'5", (comedians laughing) enters. - Hey, hey, did I leave my phone in here? - Oh yeah, I got it. - Jackie pulls out Noah's
phone from her back pocket, but when she hands it to Noah, their hands touch and linger for a moment. They look into each other's
eyes with a deep intensity. They brush it off and look away. (Kimmy laughs) - How long can we keep
this a secret, Jackie? (comedians laugh) - I don't know, but it
gets harder every day. I just, I like you much
more than a friend. - Me also as well. (comedians laugh) I love holding hands and hugging
longer than friends should. - It's so hard, Noah, I just! - What, Jackie? - I luh! - Damien, who is 5'2", enters. (comedians laugh) - Lost my sketchbook! I'm gonna go check in the other room! - Jackie leaves. Damien and Noah stare at
each other for a long moment. - We still on this weekend
from six PM till eight PM? - Of course, there's no one else I'd rather share a milkshake with, and then ice skate while holding hands. - No one can know. - No one will! - Kimmy, 6'2", enters. - Know what? - Nothing! (comedians laugh) I gotta go dye my hair using
a bowl of Lucky Charms, that's the inspiration, bye! (comedians laugh) - Noah leaves. - So, are we still on for this weekend from eight PM till 10 PM? - Of course, there's no one I'd rather split a pizza with, and rollerblade with while holding hands. - No one can know. - And Noah will! - What? (Jackie snorts)
- I said no one will! Uh, no one! - Cool. - I'll see you later then. - Damien leaves. Courtney, 6'1", enters. (Jackie laughs) - Tis I! - Oh, Courtney, I didn't
know you were still here. - Of course, I couldn't leave before saying goodbye to someone who's more than a friend. - Oh, stop it, you. - If only the rest knew that
secretly we kiss each other on the cheek in a more
than friend kind of way. - Oh. - We have to be careful,
people might suspect us. - Don't worry, no one will ever
find out that you and I are- - [Courtney And Kimmy] More than friends. (comedians gasping) - Shayne, 6'7", and somehow handsomer and buffer than before, enters. (comedians laughing) - Anyway, bye, guys! - Bye, Kimmy, great job, friend who's nothing more than a friend. - Kimmy leaves. Courtney and Shayne give each other a long, hard, veiny look. (comedians laughing) Make it veiny! Make it veiny! - Hey. - Hey. - [Ian] Courtney looks off. - I think the fans are
starting to suspect us. - No, no way. - I see them talking
about us more and more. What we're probably doing together. - Courtney, there's simply
no way that fans know that behind closed doors, when
no one is watching, that we- - [Shayne And Courtney]
Are mining Bitcoin. (comedians laugh) - If they find out that you
and I mine Bitcoin together, the internet will shut down. - I know, the comment section
would (bleep)ing explode, but it's not gonna happen. I promise. - Okay, I trust you. - Also, we're more than friends. - Yeah, of course, but
no one suspects that. Anyway, see ya. - Courtney leaves. Shayne looks at his watch. (Jackie laughs) Damien enters the dragon. (comedians laughing) - Sorry I'm late. - I thought you'd never show up. - I'd never let down my best friend. - Bestest friends in the whole world. - In the whole world! And nothing more. - Just best friends. - Best friends. - Best friends who kiss a little. - Yeah, take-
- Oh. - Friends who take off
each other's clothes and just oil each other up. - Yeah, friends who just
wrestle around with nothing on! - And it leads to sex! - Awful, gross, loving sex! - And it's just getting everywhere! - Ooh, catastrophic,
(Kimmy laughing) nightmarish sex that
no one would wanna see! (Damien burbling) (Shayne burbling) Ooh, slapping noises and moisture! (Kimmy laughing) Sex, sex, sex, sex! Sex!
- Sex! (comedians clapping) - And scene!
- Wow. Wow. - The words of the bard
have ne'er been truer. (Shayne laughing) Wow, Shayne. So, similar to Shayne's
being called "Secrets," this one is called "Smosh's Dark Secret." (comedians laughing) Interior, Smosh office, day. It is a normal day in a
dimly lit Smosh office. Noah and Courtney are
laughing, and joking, and dating in the corner. If you guys could be in
the corner over there. And Damien and Shayne and
Kimmy are yelling at an orange. (Damien, Shayne, and Kimmy shouting) Ian enters. - All right, you jokers, quiet down. - Everyone keeps talking. Oh, what were they thinking? - I said, that's enough! (crew laugh) - Ian got loud on that
last word, too loud. Everyone stops talking
and looks up at him. What was he thinking? - That's better. Next time, I won't be asking twice. You remember what happened
to Anthony, don't you? - The cast looks at each
other, begrudgingly nervous. (Jackie laughs) - Today is a very important
day for our family. We have a new member
transferring from Smosh Europe. - Ugh, another new girl? She's gonna throw off the vibe. - What if she tries to steal
one of my two boyfriends? (Jackie laughs) - More than that, what
if she learns our secret? (comedians shushing) - Now, now, she'll come around in time, whether she wants to or not. Until then, be sure to
take good care of her. Good care. (chuckling) - Just then, Jackie, the
cool, hip new girl enters. She is wearing cool glasses, a cool shirt, and even has cool hair. Basically, the coolest, hippest new girl. - Hey, sorry I'm late for
my first day at Smosh. - See that it doesn't
happen again, new girl. - Jackie cowers from his gaze. - Oh!
- His intense gaze. He stared at her with his icy blue eyes, the eyes of a Husky with glaucoma, (crew laugh)
but she couldn't help but look back at him sometimes too. What was he thinking? - So you're the new girl, huh? - The original cast gets up, and starts to surround Jackie slowly, slower than some kind
of turtle or whatever. - Yeah,
(crew laugh) I just transferred here
all the way from Europe. - Well, I don't know how they
do things at Smosh Europe, but here, you'd better fit in, and quick. - And if you don't, (laughs) let's just say that would really suck. (everyone but Jackie laughing) - What does that mean? - Shayne and Damien, who are
actually actual boyfriends, step forward and speak
in Australian accents. Oh, nothing at all, we just
want you to have a good time. - That's right, a bloody good time. (Damien and Shayne laugh) - Are you Australian? - [Damien And Shayne] No,
we just spoke like that so it wouldn't be weird
when we said bloody. - They're also just super quirky. - The cast all backs up and
exits, leaving Jackie alone. (comedians whooshing) - This isn't like Europe Smosh at all. Something really weird is going on here. I have to get to the bottom of this. - Interior, Jackie's bedroom, night. Jackie sits alone in her room. What a weird first day at America Smosh. - I had no idea that Smosh
America would be like this. Beyond everyone being kinda cold to me, something else is going
on, I just know it. - Jackie's phone dings. She checks it. It's a picture of Kimmy sucking
the blood out of a squirrel. She stares at it for a minute, puzzled. - Okay, something weird is
definitely happening here, and I need to find out what. - [Damien] Jackie gets
another text from Kimmy. - We are all vampires. - The phone got the little
dot dot dot symbol then. - Oops, sorry, girl, this
was meant for somebody else. This is Kimmy from work, see you at work. (comedians laugh) - What could this mean? - Jackie's phone gets another ding. - Listen, new girl, you're
digging way too much. You're digging into something
that could get you hurt. If I were you, I would stop now. - What could this even mean? Who is this? - Jackie's phone gets another ding. Anime. - [Jackie] Huh? (comedians laughing) - Jackie's phone gets another ding from another anonymous number. - Hey, it's not safe
to talk over the phone, but you're close to something. You just need to dig a little more. Meet me at lunch tomorrow. I'll be wearing a cool
hat so you know it's me. This is Courtney, by the
way, but that's a secret! (comedians laugh) - Guess I have to put this out of my mind until tomorrow Then. - [Damien] Jackie's
phone dings one more time from an anonymous number. - We are all vampires, oops,
sorry, wrong number again, lol. This is all one text, why am I sending it? Lol, lol! (comedians laughing) - Jackie falls asleep. All right, interior break room, lunch. The next day. Jackie enters the lunch room. The cool kids table has Noah
and Shayne sitting at it. They are both sipping on bright red juice. - Oh. - Courtney is sitting alone. She is wearing a really cool hat. She waves for Jackie to
come over and sit with her. - So, you got my text. - That was you? - Yeah, sorry for being so secretive. Dealing with this much on your
first day must really suck. (comedians gasping) - That's a cool hat,
why aren't you eating? - I already ate last night, late last night. Also, I'm always cold. - [Damien] Courtney wipes red
from the corners of her mouth. - Okay. - Noah and Shayne or at the
other table, being rowdy. (Noah and Shayne laughing) Damien joins them, drinking red. - This is not juice! - [Damien And Shayne] Yes,
ha-ha, this is not juice. (Damien, Shayne, and Noah laugh) (Courtney and Kimmy laughing) - It is now loud enough
for Courtney and Jackie to talk safely, but we only
hear them, not the other table, but pretend the other table is still loud. - So, do you have questions for me? - Oh gosh, where do I start? Well, I definitely realize
that something seems off here. - You've got good intuition. That'll help you survive here. - Okay, I'm just gonna
come out and ask it then. You're very cold. I never see any of you eat. You all keep making jokes about
sucking and stuff like that. - Go on. - Are all of you? - The big reveal. - Dating? - That's right, everyone is dating everyone else all the time! - I knew it! - But this is a dark secret
that you have to carry with you. Terrible things happen
when people find out. When Anthony broke up with Ian, it almost ruined the channel. - (gasps) What does this mean for me? - There's still time to run. Give it some thought. - Noah stands up. - I am a vampire. - Interior, inner sanctum, night. (Courtney laughing) That night was the induction ceremony. Jackie enters a cave deep
below the Smosh offices. She enters to find the whole
cast in hoods with head bowed. Let's make like a half
circle around Jackie. - So, you decided to show up. - I did. - Then you must know our secret by now. - I do. - And you still wish to join us? - I do. - And take on our dark secret? - I will. - [Damien And Shayne] And be
bonded to this family forever? - Yes. - Courtney throws her a meaningful look. A simple look, but with
10,000 words behind it. - Are you sure? - I am - Excellent, then you are ready. - Hey! That's my job to say that, Noah, okay? My job! - Noah hisses sadly. (Noah hisses) - Excellent, then you're ready. Without further ado,
let us begin the ritual. Actually, wait, I'm so sorry. Can we get you anything? Are you thirsty?
- Oh yeah, for sure, you know, some blood would be nice,
actually, because I'm a vampire. (comedians gasping)
- Oh, Shayne and Damien gingerly hand her a glass
of blood, she gulps it down. (Jackie laughs) - [Damien And Shayne] Here you go. - Okay, cool, now I'm ready. - Then let us begin. Jackie Van Helsing of Smosh
Europe, first of her name- - [Group] Will you go out with us? - Yes. - Every cast member stares
at each other cast member, super longingly. They do this back and forth
for what seems like ages. While they do that, Courtney
walks out to the audience as an aside, the action
continues behind her. - I, dear watchers, was
also a ghost the whole time. (Courtney laughs) - The end. - Wow. (comedians laugh and clap) - Wow, great job. - Brilliant work. We have seen some incredible works. So Jackie, this, you've got a lot to. - Yeah, I do. (laughs) - The bar is high. - I love a good southern romance, which is why I wrote
"Smosh's Summer Secrets." - Oh!
- Wow! - Are you serious? - I did. - Not planned, not even given a prompt, we all have secrets in the name. - Interior, "Try Not to Laugh' studio. The Smosh cast has just finished a rousing episode of "Try Not to Laugh." - Check out these two videos
and don't forget to subscribe! - [Group] Bye! - Cut! The entire cast drops their smiling faces. They finally allow the
exhaustion to show through. - I'm tired. - I'm Noah.
(crew laugh) - Contrary to popular belief, and the demeanor he so
often tries to project, Garrett is a meanie pants,
puppeteering and wreaking havoc from behind the scenes with
his dog, Damien, in tow. - We've shot every day
for the past six months, so overload Ian think you deserve a break! - [Ian] Cast faces Brighton. - There is a God! - [Ian] Garrett grabs his dog. - Come on, Damien! - Garrett begins to leave, but turns back, flinches at Kimmy, then walks off. - Hey, I know we've been working
together every day nonstop for the past six months,
so it only makes sense that we spend our one
week off together too! - Great idea, D-man! - (laughs) I've never
actually told you guys, but my family actually
has a farm in Georgia. And I think us city kid should go there to try to rediscover who we are, before this city eats
us up, and spits us out. - Damien spits. (Damien spits) - Oh my gosh, that
sounds fantastic, D-man! Y'all, let's get to packing
and go to Georgia, yeehaw! - Kimmy, Noah, Courtney and Shayne leave. Jackie cleans up her props. Damien gently grabs her shoulders. Gently. - Hey, you were awesome back there. - Pshh, (laughs) you're one to talk. - I really liked when you did the splits. (comedians laugh) - It was the obvious third beat. (laughs) (comedians laughing) - It didn't hurt the baby, did it? - No.
(comedians laughing) I think Damien Jr.'s safe. (comedians laughing) - Exterior, parking lot. Kimmy is trying to unlock her car, but she can't find her keys. - Goddammit, why can I never
find my freaking car keys? I bought a key ring off
Buzzfeed and everything! - Shayne enters, he pretends to pick something off the ground. - Hey, I think you dropped this. - What? - Your crown. - [Ian] Shayne places in
imaginary crown atop Kimmy's head. She instantly melts under the gaze of this short king's blue eyes. (comedians laugh) - I've been wanting to do this all day. - Shayne takes Kimmy
into a massive bear hug. He holds on for a little too long. - Oh, Shayne, Shayne, Shayne! Not so tight, you'll hurt the baby. (comedians gasp)
(crew laugh) - Shayne pulls away. - Not Shayne Jr.! - Interior, Mythical Kitchen. Courtney and Noah are mid argument. - If you take my boneless bit again, I will (bleep)ing murder you! - The fans like me better
as boneless anyway! - Liar, you take that back! - Never! I have more personality than you! - You just have spooky hair! - And you just wear crop tops! - Hah. (Courtney sobbing) Courtney bursts into tears. - That's too far. - Oh no, babe, no, I thought
we were doing our thing. I love you in crop tops. You cut them so well. And those cute ripped jeans? Nobody will ever do it better. You a little baddy. You my baddy. Growing our baddy. (comedians laughing) - This brightens Courtney's
spirits exponentially. - You think I'm a little baddy? - We are. (comedians laughing)
- Wow, all right, cut to interior, LAX airport
bathroom, the next day, Kimmy, Jackie, and Courtney
are in the bathroom in their own individual stalls. (comedians laugh) The dry summer airport air
causes Courtney's nose to bleed. - Dagnabbit! (comedians laugh) Does anyone have a tampon? - [Kimmy And Jackie] Hell no. - Courtney perks up at this. Kimmy and Jackie always have tampons. What gives? Her nose continues to bleed. - Huh, that's suspicious. I too do not have a tampon. I haven't needed one in
approximately two to three months. - Courtney pins her ear to
the bathroom stall door, waiting for a response. Her nose continues to bleed. - Huh, weird, same here. They seem kinda pointless at the moment. - Jackie braces and
listens for a response. - I too have lost the
need to carry such items of femininity, and the
water in which I drink seems to flow through me constantly. (Jackie and Courtney gasp) - [Jackie And Courtney] Me too! - Could it be? Jackie, Courtney, and Kimmy
burst out of their stalls! Courtney's nose is still bleeding. - I mean, me too. (comedians gasp and laugh) - She holds up two fingers, then places her hands on her stomach. Kimmy and Courtney follow suit. Courtney's nose continues to bleed. - Who would've thought? We each have secret babies! - All three of us
pregnant at the same time? I'm woozy with excitement! - Courtney passes out. - Oh!
- Oh! - Exterior, Damien's Georgian farm, (comedians laughing)
one flight away, apparently. As the hot Georgia heat
beats down on Damien, he sweats as he picks peaches
and gingerly places them in his basket a la Red Riding Hood. Kimmy stumbles off a path. - Oh, whoa, Justin Bieb was right, you do get peaches out in Georgia. I've been wandering this
peach orchard for hours, I gotta sit down. - Kimmy struggles to sit down because she's so abundantly pregnant. Damien wants to speak, but he hesitates. (Noah laughs) - I know it's not en
vogue to ask this, Kimmy, and I know after nearly three years, we're still getting to know each other, but I'd be remiss not to ask. Are you pregnant? (Kimmy gasps) - [Ian] Kimmy starts the hyperventilate. - What? Me? No! (laughs) - Oh my God, I'm so sorry, you just seem abundantly pregnant. (Courtney laughs) But what do I know? I watch anime, I am so, so,
so, so, so sorry, Kimmy. God, I'm such a dingus! (Noah laughs) - No, I'm the dingus for getting pregnant by the coworker no one ever ships me with. (comedians laughing) I can't even say anything
else, or I will upset the fans! - Kimmy laughs hysterically. Is she crying and
laughing at the same time? Yes. (Kimmy sobs and laughs) - If I had any sense, you and
I should've gotten together. I mean, it's the clearest choice, and there's already a ton
of YouTube edits about it. It would have been perfect for the baby. - Huh. You see Kimien edits too. - All 257 of them. (comedians laugh) - Damien sits down next to Kimmy. - Here, eat this peach,
you'll get your energy back. (Shayne laughs) We don't want you getting
the vapors like Courtney. - What? (laughing) - [Ian] Damien shoves
the peach into her mouth, and leans in a little closer. - And hopefully this
can stay in the orchard, but I made 247 Kimien edits. (comedians gasping) - The peach drops out of
Kimmy's mouth, a beat. - I made the other 10. (comedians gasping) - The two star-crossed
lovers look at each other. They go to embrace, but they can't because Kimmy is so abundantly pregnant. - I can't, it isn't hap, it's not good. - Right at that moment, Garrett
hops out from behind a tree with his dog, Damien, snaps a
photo of the two, then leaves. Who would think they would have noticed, but they're too wrapped up in the moment. - I think it's a sign, Damien, Shayne Jr. is literally in the middle, and I have to live for Shayne Jr. now. - Damien takes Kimmy's hands. - And I have to provide for Damien Jr. But know this, Jackie does
have my heart and my life, we will live a very happy life together, but you, Kimmy Jimenez,
have a hold on my lungs. I can't breathe without my lungs. (crew laughs) - (gasps) That's the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me. - Kimmy begrudgingly breaks the spell and takes her hands back. - I have to go. Thank you for my Georgia peach. You, Damien Haas, are my peach. - Ooh. Kimmy leaves through the thorny brambles. (comedians laughing) That's good, that was good. Damien falls to his knees
with his hands on his lungs, hurt over the love he will
never, ever, ever, never, not a hundred bajillion
years ever have with Kimmy. (Damien gasping) Cut to exterior, front porch. Jackie dozes off in a rocking
chair, barely able to rock, because she carries the spawn
of Damien Haas insider her. (comedians laughing) Shayne walks up and sees
Jackie rocking peacefully. - Anybody sitting here? (Noah laughs) - No, Shayne, it's empty. Also, we're not on camera, you're allowed to speak
at a normal volume. - It's a habit! Sorry. (Noah laughs) It's a habit, gotta kick it. - Well, kick it here. - She gestures to him to sit down. - Dude, you're hella fat now. (comedians laughing) - Shayne, I'm pregnant. - Look, it's okay if you've put on weight, I'm just saying get it under
control before the next shoot? (comedians laughing)
- OH my God! - As they say, the camera adds 10 pounds. - No, literally, Shayne,
I'm super pregnant, there's a baby inside me. - Oh, word? Dang, ma, or should I say, dang, mama? - Shayne tries not to
laugh at his own joke. Jackie stares. - It's Damien's. - No way! - At that moment, Noah
runs out onto the porch, and delivers his inner
monologue to everyone. - I can't do this on my own! I need her! She can't be in a coma! I mean, it's just a nosebleed, people get them all the time. I didn't even get the chance to tell her, but she's the love of my life. Even though I put up this front like I have this other loving
girlfriend who supports me in my streams, and takes
the time to dye my hair! - Oh. - And if we were in an alternate universe, she would likely be my soulmate! I. I am with Courtney! Courtney is with me! We are having Nyortney, and
to God I don't believe in, she will live! You hear me out there, God? My baby is gonna keep its mama! Courtney! (Courtney laughs) - [Ian] Noah exits, crying. (Noah wailing) We get a beat. - Holy (bleep). The Smosh boys are fertile as (bleep). - Shayne breaks through the fourth wall, and goes to the couch to give Damien and Noah high fives. (Shayne clapping)
(women laughing) Shayne sits back in the scene. - You good? - Yeah, glad I got that out. - At that moment, Garrett
pops up with his dog, Damien, and drops a photo into Shayne's lap. - Whoa, this photo just
appeared out of thin air. - The south be crazy, but it's pretty magical. - Shayne and Jackie stare
out into the sunset. - What is it? - It's a picture of my queen Kimmy, and my ex-best friend, Damien. - [Ian] Jackie struggles to
rise and snatch the photo. - No! No! - Jackie starts to fall apart. Shayne grabs her shoulders. - We have to keep it
together, you hear me? - I can't! - Shayne takes a mirror out of his pocket that he apparently keeps there
to check out his floppy hair. (whip cracks) (comedians laugh) - Look in the mirror and
tell me what you see. - What? - I just watched "Cool
Runnings," go along with it. - I see Jackie! - You see Jackie? You wanna know what I see? I see pride. I see power. I see a badass mother who
don't take no crap from nobody! - You really see that? - Yes, mama. (comedians laughing) But it's not about what I
see, it's about what you see. Look again and tell me what you see. - I see- - Pride. - I see power! - I see! - A badass mother who won't
take no crap from nobody! - Garrett pop up again with his dog, and snaps a photo of the two embracing. Interior, living room, later that night. The gang is all in the living room, glaring at one another,
upset, hurt, confused. Courtney is still in a coma, and the following was delivered
in a thick southern accent. - Well, I do declare there
are some shenanigans afoot! I, for one, came here to
offer my home to y'all, who I consider my kin,
and I feel betrayed! So, rather than talk about
our feelings as adults who have regular access to
mental health resources, I have a proposition. The men will put their car
keys into this fishbowl. The women will then close their eyes and pick a key out of the bowl. That will determine which mate you will spend the rest of your life with. I say, I say, are there any grievances? Are there any grievances? - And then it specifically
says, no more accent, please. Courtney awakes from her coma! - Sounds like a plot device, but I'm in. - [Group] Courtney! - Hoo-hoo! - Shayne, Damien, and
Noah put their car keys into the fishbowl. Kimmy, Jackie, and Courtney hold hands. Damien passes the bowl to the women. Kimmy chooses. - Mm, (gasps) I will be spending my life raising Shayne Jr. with Damien! - (bleep) yeah! I mean, yes, okay, yes, dope, dope! Dope, okay. - Courtney chooses. - I will be spending my life and raising No-ortney with Shayne. - This isn't even fun. - Shayne! - I'm sick of being called Shartney! It sounds like a skid mark! (crew laugh) - We can be each other's skid marks! - That does sound pretty sick. Okay, bet. (comedians and crew laugh) - Okay.
- (bleep). (comedians and crew laugh) - Okay, here I go. - Well, process of elimination. - I will now choose who I
will be spending my life! - I'm literally the
only one standing here. - And raising Damien Jr. with! - Okay, now you're being a jerk. - Who drives a Prius! - I drive a Mazda. (comedians gasp and laugh) - The room gasps. Everyone looks around confused. Garrett appears. - Guess you're spending your life with me. (comedians laugh) - Can I pick again? Garrett's unhinged. - I only mean because my heart is broken from not having a mama
for my dog named Damien, and since you're having
a baby named Damien Jr., it only makes sense! I've been playing the long game, Jackie, trying to overwork you
and make you feel bad, so that eventually Damien
would invite you all to his farm/orchard, and
it would lead us here. So what do you say? - I have pride. I have- - Not right now, no. - Oh, okay. I say, yes, Garrett, I
will be your baby dog mama. - Garrett and Jackie hug. - [Noah] What about me? - You can be our third. - You mean it?
(Damien snorts) - [Jackie] Always. - I love love. - [Group] Aw, Courtney! - Boo-hoo! - The entire cast comes
together in a group hug, and they hit a freezeframe. Noah steps out. - Oh, hey, you're still here? From this moment on, the
entire cast of Smosh quit so they could raise
their children together in a hippie commune on
Damien's farm/orchard. Don't worry, because they
all lived happily ever after. - Yay!
- Yeah! - Wow, holy crap, Jackie. - Yeah, there's a reason that was last. (Shayne laughs)
Goddamn. If we need to cut mine
for time, that's okay. - I hope you guys enjoyed this. Let us know if you want us
to write more fanfictions, because let's see if we
can kick it up a notch! Don't make them too crazy, okay? Have fun with them, but there's a limit. - Give me a (bleeping). - Oh my God. (laughs) - What was that voice? Was that Wario on Quaaludes? - Maybe. - We will be uploading these to Wattpad, so keep an eye out for them,
and read them on your own. See if we missed anything. There might be- - There were some funny typos in there. - Yes, some really good stuff, but hey guys, the fun
doesn't have to stop here. There's more videos for you to watch. - Ooh! - Hey, just like in our scripts, hey, make sure to like and subscribe! - To like and subscribe!
(comedians laughing) - There's stuff right there. We're definitely not about to, you know, be more than friends. - Yeah, no. - It's not, these are fanfictions. Don't be weird, okay? Anyways, goodbye.
