♪ I'm gon' do this ♪ ♪ Do this to you ♪ ♪ The voice is calling ♪ ♪ Trying to fool you ♪ ♪ The door's wide open ♪ ♪ Walking through ♪ ♪ I'm your believer ♪ - [Announcer] Everything you're
watching here is improvised. Nothing is scripted. (logo splats) (upbeat electronic music) (slime splats) - Hello and welcome to
"America's Next Top Simp." I'm Judge Tommy. - Hello, I'm Judge Ify. - Our competition today
features three simps who will go through a
variety of challenges to see who will be
America's next top simp. Our first challenge will
be the runway challenge in which the simps will
showcase what they are wearing, why they are wearing it, and, you know, just their
general horrible energy. Our next challenge will
be the acting challenge, in which we will recreate a meet and greet in which the simps will
talk to me, normal Tommy. And, for our final challenge, we will ask the ultimate question, why are you America's next top simp? Let's meet the contestants. - Hey, I'm Dominic Perignon, and I'm a sigma male. I'm neither alpha nor beta. I am the rarest male archetype. I don't care what society likes, but I care about what you like. - Hellish. - Hello, my name is Sor,
Sir Phillip Simpnee, poet, scholar, and courtier, tragically without court. I was banished from the kingdom for being horny in the main hall. - (laughs) Contestant number three. - Good morning, kings. My name is John, John D. Bad, and I'm in the top 1% of
subscribers on OnlyFans. - What's the middle initial stand for? - Down. - Mm. - John Down Bad. - Yeah, John Down Bad. (judges mutter) - Sounds like a beta to me. - Nothing wrong with that. (people laugh) - Hey, guys, if you
like this kind of stuff, go ahead and hit that Subscribe button, and that little like bell. The like bell? You got it. (Tommy laughs) Let's go ahead and start
the runway challenge. Dominic, it is now time
for your runway challenge. Please begin. (intense electronic music) (Tommy laughs) - Oh, okay, oh. Okay, yeah, okay. Oh, okay.
- Oh. - [Ify] Yeah, he's, okay, this is what we like
(Dominic groans) to call the R&B step. - We got a tricep. - Oh, yeah, we got a tricep. (Dominic grunts) All right, trying to
throw that horseshoe off. - Reminds me of physicals. (Dominic groans) - Yeah, yeah, the pectaculars, yeah. - Most girls wouldn't go for this, but I know only, like, girls that aren't like other
girls would go for this. - (laughs) No. (people laugh) Oh. - Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh. - [Tommy] Almost fell for a second, okay. - [Ify] Oh, oh, there it is. - I'm wearing my classic muscle shirt. I wear these every day 'cause I don't care what society
likes, this is what I like. And I'm wearing my trademark
sigma sigma sigma hat. It's not a sorority hat. - Okay.
- Okay, okay. - And I'm wearing loose-fitted sweatpants 'cause my jeans were too tight today. I had to borrow some from the studio because my penis is too big. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. - I just thought the
room should know that. - Some girls prefer a regular-sized penis. - I have 4.5-inch penis, which is above average
for Renaissance England. - Oh, I also see that you have boxers all the
way up to your belly button. - Yeah, just 'cause my penis is so big (Tommy laughs) that I have to have it up high. - Well, thank, oh, oh. - Ooh. - Well, thank you very much, Dominic. Okay, Sir Phillip Simpnee, I would love to see your runway. Please, begin. - Here, I will walk forward with my legs, my torso swiftly, airily moving forward. But then, I will walk with my words. - Oh no. - Thou art a goddess amongst men.
(soft lute music) A score of 11 on a scale of one to 10. Thou possess a beauty
that cannot be tamed, a vision that would put
Helen of Troy to shame. Nine feet and six inches
of tall vampire queen, the most wondrous sight I ever hath seen. At your feet I grovel and beg, then reveal thine ass
of which you may peg. Thank you. (people laugh) And the walk backwards. (Tommy laughs) You may never turn your back on the queen. - Now, that made me physically ill, I don't know about you. - No, I was real excited once he started talking about
this nine-foot-six vampire. I, too, am a fan. I mean, just the dream of, like. - Just being so little.
- Easy ass standing up. - Phillip, could you
please explain this robe? - Yeah. - It is a tunic. - [Tommy] Okay. - A simple tunic. - Oh, okay. - Created by the tailor in my
local village of Liverpool. His name is Gucci. - I like a little kinda like casual, how you got that nice tunic, it goes down to some nice
slacks and some Chucks. (people laugh)
- That's right. Classic Renaissance. - I'm glad you clocked the Chucks there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- 'Cause, you know. - John Down Bad, you feeling good? You ready for this runway? - It's the most nervous
I've been my entire life. - I will say, I already feel
a connection to John Down Bad. - Mm-hm.
- 'Cause he reminds me of a imaginary friend
I had when I was a kid. (people laugh) (tires squeal) - Oh. (Ify laughs)
(soft R&B music) Wow. - Oh. - Am I more than you bargained for? (people laugh)
- Stop. - My god, it's Hermes himself. - Oh, wow, oh, wow. - Kings, I noticed you
weren't getting the respect from these two, and I just wanna know, I would never treat you like that. - Thank you, John. - Yeah, thank you, thank you, John. - Do you wanna return to your spot and tell us about this little outfit? (Tommy laughs) - What sorcery is this? (people laugh) - You know, this is just kinda the vibe that I like to put out there. You know, I'm tough, but I'm
also sensitive, you know? The vest, sensitivity,
the gloves, toughness. You know, I'm not afraid
to defend your honor. - Yeah, I see, like, cogs and blades. You're like a steampunk Wolverine. - Can you give us some
information on this hat, please? I'm very alarmed. - This is my grandfather's hat. You know, I made some adjustments, you know, because I'm wolf-like. - Predator. - Predator, predator, but not predatory. - Respect. - Yeah, you know, I'm gonna respect you, and respect your boundaries,
and respect your body. - Don't mean to um actually, but a wolf is my fursona as well, and those ears are just a
little too big for a wolf. Those are more bunny-like. - I took some creative liberties. You know, I'm a creative
writer in my spare time. (people laugh) - Wouldn't go down in
my pack, but, you know. - Simps, please return
to your original spots. Ify and I are going to deliberate, and give you some ratings on your outfits. - Before you say anything, just let me tell you one thing. ♪ I'm gon' do this ♪ ♪ Do this to you ♪ (girl moans) (people laugh) - [Tommy] Thank you. - So, we've gotten our scores for Dominic. You know, I love a good
jogger, I love good sweats, love letting the arms hang out, as a muscular man myself, love to do it. You know, I did have to, you know, dock you on how many times you said sigma, so I gave you 7.69. (Tommy laughs) - Oh. - Dominic, I very much love this outfit that you have on, but more than... You wanna? Okay. More than anything, I
like that I could tell you have some horrible music constantly playing in your head that you're able to dance to at any time. All in all, I really loved it. You are coming off a little strong, which is why I gave you big points. So I'm giving you an eight out of 10. Congratulations, Dominic. You're doing very well. - Thanks, babe, I mean, judge. (Tommy laughs) (groans) I'm so sore from creating my own path. (people laugh) - (beep) out. Are you kidding me? Okay, Sir Phillip, I personally feel that you are possibly the
biggest simp here on stage. - Oh. - However, I personally am
looking for a simp for everyone. So, right now, you're very specific about this large Amazon vampire person. - Oh. - Because of the specifics, I gave you a seven out of 10. - [Phillip] Oh. - That's fair. - But you're still a very big contender. Congratulations on being the worst. - I was actually, you know, a big fan of everything you were saying about this tall vampire lady, so I gave you a 6.9. - Oh, lovely. - Can't be mad at that can't be mad at that.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
- Congratulations. - I've never s- - Before you start. (people laugh) Just know I need a win. (people laugh) - All right, well, John Down
Bad connected me in a real way. It took me back to being 12 years old in Compton, California, and there was a Pizza Hut guy coming in. He was wearing Heelys, and we like, you gon' fall in there, he's like, nah, I'm good at this, and he fell holding the pizzas. Anyway, I gave you a nine. (people ooh and clap) - Can't knock it. I love a girl who has memories. (people laugh) - Okay. John Down Bad, you've brought something to this runway that the
other contestants have not. - A regular-size penis? (people laugh) - And that is utter weakness. In fact, one second. (people ooh) And for that, I give you a nine. (people clap) (upbeat pop music)
(tires squeal) (Tommy laughs) Okay, simps, we are now moving
on to our acting challenge. In this acting challenge, you will be at a meet and
greet with me, regular Tommy. The difference is, I'm
not wearing a jacket. - Okay, as a reminder, you're at a meet and greet with Tommy, much like Judge Tommy,
but without a jacket. I'll set the scene for
you. This is VidCon. It's the first VidCon since,
you know, the whole panorama. - All right, yeah, come on in, how's next? (upbeat electronic music) (chair clatters) - Hey. - Hi. - How are you today?
- Hi, I'm Tommy. - Oh, Tommy, sweetheart, nice to meet you. - Okay. Ooh, wet. - That's okay, it's all
right, I'm moist sometimes. It's perfect for women. - Cool, yeah. Yeah, so, yeah, you've been
a fan of Smosh for a while? - Oh my god, yeah,
here, come, come closer, just.
(chair scrapes) - Okay. - I really like, you don't
seem like other girls because (laughs) (Tommy laughs)
(people laugh) Oh. Sorry, you touched my shoulder,
I wasn't expecting it. - Yeah, sorry. You know, we're running out of time. Did you want a picture?
- Other men, aw, the other men don't deserve you the way that I deserve you. - Yeah. - Just, if we talk about it more, I believe in consent. Not that I deserve you. I mean, I deserve you, just the way that you deserve me. - No, I also believe in consent. - Awesome. - I do. - Yeah, it's social norm. - Mm-hm. Well, hey, we've got a long line. It's really great to meet you. Did you want a picture before you go? - Sure, why not? - Let's. (Tommy sighs) (Dominic grunts) - All right, that was an amazing start. I do have notes, but
let's have the next one. - Come in. Oh, hello, hi. - Hello there. - Oh. - I would kiss your hands, but the virus, cholera or whatever (beep)
(Tommy laughs) we're dealing with. Mm. - Yeah, and who are you? Hi. - Sir Phillip Simpnee,
poet, scholar, and courtier, tragically without court, but perhaps we could change that. I would love to enter your court, perhaps. I have written some poetry. - Okay.
- Specifically for you and for no one else. - Okay. - It's about you, Tommy, not any other person. - Sure, I'd love to hear it, yeah. (Phillip clears throat) - On through candlelight
my swift soul searches for purpose in life in
this giant, rusted machine, meaning that cannot be found
in castles nor churches, but my fate hath been found
in a tall vampire queen. She is perfection, from her eyes to her long structured legs, a wicked divinity that
makes my frame go limp, except my sweet, supple ass, of which she pegs, for what
am I but her weak, loyal simp. (Phillip stammers)
(people laugh) Perhaps a sonnet. - No, you don't... It's really okay.
- Perhaps a sonnet. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Tie me up and spit in my mouth. (man laughs) - This has been wonderful to meet you. You're really, you're one. Did you want a picture? Yeah.
- A portrait? That would take merely a whole day. - Oh, actually, it'll only take a second, if you wanna just maybe do it.
- What? - Yeah. - What kind of painter do you have here? - Yeah, do you wanna? - Oh. (chair scrapes) (camera clicks) - John D. Bad, you're gonna
have to give it your all, coming in last after
performances like that. (soft R&B music) (people laugh) - Hello. Nice grip. - M'king. - Hello. Hi. What's your name? - John D. Bad. - Hi, John D. Bad. Are you a fan of Smosh? - Yes. Growing up in Sacramento, they were a very big part of my childhood. - You okay? You seem a little nervous? Don't be nervous, it's
just a meet and greet. - I, uh... Yeah. - Okay, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
- No, no, no, you talk. - Are you sure? 'Cause it's more about, like, us. I mean, I don't have much to say. I'm just back here, seeing a lot of fans. Are you having a good convention? - Yeah, yeah. (people laugh) - Okay. - Do you wanna see me skate? (Tommy laughs) I'm certified in scuba, After
Effects, and cunnilingus. - Okay, yeah, yeah, I'd
love to see you skate. - Do you wanna some art? - (sighs) I probably don't wanna see it. (laughs) Oh no. (people laugh) No, no, put it away, put it away. (Tommy laughs) It's powerful stuff. - Okay, thank you, do you want a picture? (people laugh) (camera clicks) (Tommy sighs) Hi. Well, that was something else. - Yes, oh, yes.
- You agree? - Yeah. Thank you, simps, for that experience. - Hey, lovely to meet you. - Dominic, Dominic, that was an amazing performance. The energy as you were
coming in was strong. You were confident. You knew what you wanted to do, you knew what you wanted to say. You may not know this, but when a creator's,
you know, sitting there, they're on edge. They don't know what's coming out. - I'm always edging. - Yeah. (people laugh) So, for those fatal flaws,
putting fear in the heart of the creator, and possibly
musting up the room, I have to give you a three. - Aw.
- Oh dear, oh. - Well, Dominic, and for all the simps, I'm going to be basing my rating here off of how not okay I felt. (people laugh) Dominic, you came in strong. Unfortunately, you did
plateau with that strength. (Dominic sighs) However, with a plateau comes consistency. The flipping of the chair,
the leaning forward, and the attempt at a
kiss gives you an eight. (people clap) Sir Phillip, the meet and greet, it was something, I will
say it was something. I very much like how you took complete
command of the scene. I feel like our meet and greet failed at a critical moment, however, and that was the photo opportunity. I was expecting a little more of an intrusive scenario, but you just politely
scooted up next to me. I did see that as a
failure, unfortunately, so I am giving you a five out of 10. Oh.
(people groan) Not terrible. - Sir Phillip, you know, you
really rocked me, you know? Look, I've read lots of poetry. I was touched when I heard that poetry. I was feeling things I
didn't think I would feel, thinking things I didn't
think I would think, and that's why I have to
give you a 9.6 for that. (people ooh) (people clap) (Tommy laughs) Oh, wow, John D. B.,
JDB, John Down Bad, JDB, I felt the energy, the presence, stopping to breathe and stare, and these are from the
toolkit of a top simp. You may not know, but
to slide in into a knee, you waft your air and
energy at the creator, so I have to give you a 10. (people ooh) - Never in my life, and I'm almost legitimately talking here, (people laugh) never in my life have I felt immense and sudden fear (people laugh) like when you showed me
that P apostrophe R-N. - Some would call it art. - I also gave you a 10 out of 10. (people clap and cheer) Congratulations, simps. You have made it through two of the three challenges of the day, and now, we have come to our final. Dominic, would you
please approach the line, and tell us why you are
America's next top simp? - I'm America's next top simp because I'm not like other men. (upbeat electronic music) - Oh, okay, we crumping now. - My body is ergonomically
perfectly shaped to spoon a woman. (Tommy laughs) Society? No thanks. I will love you to the end of my days. - Thank you, Dominic. - Sir Phillip, I want you to step up here and tell me why you are
America's next top simp. - Well, I've run out of poems. Tragic. My sweet lady,
(soft lute music) I beg of you, please, I am but a humble, humble servant, begging you, please, to
just wrap me up in a bow, perhaps my balls, and just go to town. You can do whatever you want. Please, oh, oh, Lady Dimisticule, ooh, ooh, it would suck so much if you just spanked me as hard as you can with your nine-foot,
six-inch lady hands, ooh. Just, okay, just strap me into a barrel, strap me into a barrel with my
bare ass peeking out one end, and make it a swing, and just push me (laughs) (people laugh) - Thank you. John Down Bad, please,
approach and tell us why you are America's next top simp. - Go on, get us demonetized. (people laugh)
(tires squeal) - I'm-a get real. All I have are my gloves, my hat, and $10 to my name. I am a simp, and I know
in my heart of hearts that I can (beep) a (beep) (people laugh) (beep) - Thank you. - No, no (beep) - Well, you set out to
do exactly as I asked. (people laugh) I thought I was a poet. You're a natural Lord Byron over here. (Phillip laughs) - Thank you, simps, for your speeches. I appreciated all of them very much. We will now be discussing who will be America's next top simp. - Now, simps, y'all
really brought your best. I got what I wanted here today, to see three potential simps put it all on the line,
show us what they have, and see which of you have what it takes to be America's next top simp. - Simps, thank you for
a wonderful competition. In my hand is only one photo. America's next top simp is Dominic. (Dominic shouts) (people clap) - Huzzah. - Dominic, congratulations. You are America's next top simp. (Dominic shouts) - Sigma, sigma, sigma, sigma. - Thank you, guys, for watching America's next top simp. There's plenty of other videos like this. Well, there's two of them, but there's also other
videos that aren't like this that you'll absolutely love. We've got videos over here, over there. Go ahead and look at that merch store. We got plenty of things that
you can simp in and for. Yeah, Ify, thanks. - Thank you. - Bye. - Stay simping. - Oh, no, we got more to do, stay simping. - Stay simping, I'm gonna teach these boys how to be real sigma. - It'll be a natural Dante's "Inferno."
