45 MOST SAVAGE Ricky Gervais Golden Globes Jokes (Updated 2020)

talking of all you perverts it was a big year it was a big year for pedophile movies surviving r.kelly leaving Neverland to Pope's shadow shadow I don't care I don't care you probably know me as the creator of the office no you don't do you you think Steve Carell did you know oh he's brilliant isn't he Steve Carell he's amazing as the bumbling office manager where does he get his ideas from let's pay hundreds of millions of dollars and put them in every movie if you can't be bothered to go to the cinema to see Steve in action then just watching might be Thursday here on NBC [Applause] honestly I like a drink as much the next man unless the next man is Mel Gibson [Applause] our first presenter is beautiful talented and Jewish apparently Mel Gibson told me that he's obsessed please welcome Scarlett Johansson you could binge watch the entire first season of afterlife instead of watching the show that that's a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies of cancer and it's still more fun than this okay spoiler alert season two is on the way so in the end he obviously didn't kill himself just like Jeffrey Epstein shut up I know he's your friend but I don't care joy and trainwreck no not the names of Charlie Sheen's two favorite hookers the films of our next two presenters their best friends by the way they wanted me to tell you that and if you forget they said they they'd tweet you and Ramona basically they're there come round and shout we threw their best friend it's like they've never had a friend before please welcome Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence [Music] at least jeffrey tambor did it in a dress what a year he's had oh what an actor what a role no it's every day he has to put on all that women's clothes and the hair and makeup and let people film it that takes balls so I don't know how he does it I really don't I've seen his balls they're huge and long either if he tucked him in the bra does I think when you push him out the back and let him hang out like a bulldog no one knows I love Jeffrey Tambor I don't know if that's because he's such a great actor or because he reminds me of my nan let's get on with it before NBC replaced me with Jay Leno once upon a time in Hollywood nearly three hours long Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere and by the end his date was too old for him on a serious note just looking at all the faces here reminds me of some of the great work that's been done this year by cosmetic surgeons talking of the walking dead congratulations to Hugh Hefner who was getting married at the age of 84 to 24-year old beauty Crystal Harris when she was asked why she was marrying him she said because he lied about his age he told me he was 94 oh come on don't worry hold out and just just don't look at it when you touch it ask them [Applause] our next presenters are two of the funniest people in America she stole the show on Saturday Night Live then went on to create write and star their own show 30 rock he was a job in actor career not going that well if I'm being totally honest who-who got his big break when I cast him in a remake of a show that I created called the office he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us please welcome the wonderful Tina Fey and the ungrateful Steve [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] listen if you do win tonight remember that no one cares about that award as much as you do okay don't get emotional it's embarrassing okay that award is no offense worthless it's a bit of metal that some nice old confused journalists wanted to give you in person so they could meet you and have a selfie with you okay that's all it is I've got three I've got three Golden Globes myself so I can set ones a doorstop when I use to hit burglars with and when I keep by the bed - doesn't matter why it's mine it's mine it's mine I won it fair and square it's just the right shape and size it's nothing yeah so to be clear that was a joke about me shoving golden globes that I've won up my ass the next presenter is an award-winning actress with special powers in Die Another Day she used her powers of seduction to win over James Bond in x-men she used her powers to control the elements in Catwoman she used the power of being able to wash herself all over and she's the poor for behind-the-ear it's brilliant please welcome the very clean Halle Berry a few years ago on this show I made a joke about Mel Gibson getting a bit drunk and saying a few unsavory things we've all done it I wasn't judging him but now I find myself in the awkward position of having to introduce him again listen I'm sure it's embarrassing for both of us okay and I blame NBC for this terrible situation now blames we know Mel Banks [Laughter] [Applause] listen I still feel a bit bad for it right Mel's forgotten all about it apparently that's what drinking does I want to say somewhat nice about Mao before he comes out so oh yeah okay here go I'd rather have a drink with him in his hotel room tonight than with Bill Cosby please Malcolm now Gibson [Applause] [Applause] yeah I love seeing Ricki once every three years because it reminds me to get a colonoscopy yeah well if you'd left your drink you don't need to leave your drink here I'll put you to sleep another way son a little bit listen yes can I ask you a question go ahead I think we all wanting out of this I don't know that's the guy that said it it wasn't me all female remakes are the big thing there's a female remake of ghostbusters there's going to be a female remake of Ocean's eleven and this is brilliant for the studios because they get guaranteed box office results and they don't have to spend too much money on the cast so [Applause] shut up I don't care but actors aren't just loved here in Hollywood they I loved the world over because they're recognizable you can be anyone you could be in the third world okay and you get a glimpse of a Hollywood star and it makes you feel better okay you could be a little a little child a little asian child with no possessions and no money but you get a you see a picture of Angelina Jolie and you think mummy [Applause] if you win right come up except Giuliana ward thank your agent and your God and off okay our next presenter is an actress who is both beautiful and talented born in England she came to America and has taken Hollywood by storm the star of the nominated movie the Danish girl please it's a dude Eddie Redmayne [Applause] one thing that can't be bought is a golden bow officially [Applause] I'm not gonna do this again anyway but if you were to buy one the mantasy would be Phillip Burke I love this next presenter he's so cool he's the star of Iron Man two girls and a guy Wonder Boys sorry these porn films what Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Bowfinger really yeah the Academy come on he has done all those films but many of you in this room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail please welcome Robert Downey jr. [Music] Jennifer Lawrence made the news when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood and she received the air overwhelming support from people everywhere there were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers saying how the how could a 25 year old live on 52 million this is but there were plumbers around the world oh poor girl uns Oh Rocky now so but joking aside of course women should be paid the same as men for doing the same job and I'd like to say now that I'm getting paid exactly the same as Tina and Amy did last year posed me now I know there was two of them but it's not my fault if they want to share the money is it that's their stupid bowl yeah it's funny because it's true the Hollywood Foreign Press deemed the Martian a comedy and even nominated it and hence Matt Damon is here tonight so that worked a treat to be fair the Martian was a lot funnier than pixels but then again so was Schindler's List it's just a film what can I say about our next two presenters the first is an actor producer writer and director whose movies have grossed over three and a half billion dollars at the box office he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for his powerful and varied performances starring in such films as Philadelphia Forrest Gump castaway Apollo 13 and Saving Private Ryan the other is Tim Allen [Music] it was a big year for 3d movies Toy Story Despicable Me Tron seems like everything this year was 3-dimensional except the characters in The Tourist I feel bad about that joke all right no no I tell you why I'm jumping on the bandwagon because I haven't even seen the tourist who has and but no it must be good because it's nominated so shut up okay and I'd like to quash this ridiculous rumor going around that the only reason the tourist was nominated was so the Hollywood Foreign Press could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie that is that is rubbish that is not the only reason they also accepted bribes let's okay you know our next presenter from such films as Hudson Hawk look who's talking Mercury Rising color of night fifth element hearts war please welcome Ashton Kutcher's dad Bruce Willis there are a lot of big films that didn't get nominated this year nothing for Sex in the City - no I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster great job girls we know how old you are I saw one of you in an episode of bonanza [Applause] is the star of the hilarious comedy the Martian [Laughter] oh I nearly died right he's also the only person who Ben Affleck hasn't been unfaithful to please welcome Matt Damon [Applause] shut up you disgusting pill-popping sexual deviants come I want to do this monologue and then go into hiding okay not even Sean Penn will find me [Applause] snitch it's gonna be a night of partying and heavy drinking or as Charlie Sheen calls it breakfast Wow whoa so let's get this straight what he did was he he picked up a porn star paid her to have dinner with him introduced her to his ex-wife as you do went to hotel got got drunk got naked trashed the place while she was locked in the cupboard and that was a Monday what what did he do New Year's Eve the Golden Globes is shown all over the world it is oblivious to color or creed it doesn't just celebrate talent it celebrates difference it crushes prejudice and stereotype one stereotype I hate is that all Irishmen are just drunk sweary pal razors please welcome Colin Farrell [Applause] our next presenters are young and thin with hair and teeth they're lovely to look at which is just as well because they're presenting the Award for Best Foreign Language Film a category that no one in America cares about please welcome Olivia Wilde and Robert Pattinson [Applause] also not nominated I love you Philip Morris Jim Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor to heterosexual actors pretending to be gay so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists then probably my lawyer has helped me with a wording of that joke they're not here okay when brad and angelina see our next two adorable little presenters they're gonna want to adopt them please welcome Kevin Hart and Ken Jeong [Applause] now Caitlyn Jenner of course what a year she's had she became a role model for trans people everywhere showing great bravery in breaking down barriers in destroying stereotypes she didn't do a lot for women drivers you can't have everything Danya not at the same time one Hollywood publication said that me hosting would mean that some film stars would stay away for fear of being made fun of as if film stars a stay away from the chance of winning a golden glow particularly their film company has already paid for it [Applause] what's with all the divorces what's going on I mean Arnold Oh Maria JLo and Mark Antony Ashton and to me Kim Kardashian and some going no one had ever remember he wasn't he wasn't around long 72 days a marriage that lasted 72 days I've sat through longer James Cameron acceptance speeches the the Catholic Church are furious about the film as it exposes the fact that 5% of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever

Channel: LaughPlanet

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Rating: 4.8695526 out of 5

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Id: 4jxjdQ6QJ1w

Length: 19min 56sec (1196 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 09 2020