10 FUNNIEST Jokes on Women

I'm on one of them sisters you don't hit so you can't hit sisters period met me in the old days and you could beat up a woman remember that [ __ ] back in the 20s guys and smack their wives in the movies a dish let's go you can't do [ __ ] like that no more women be taking aerobics their [ __ ] you up [Applause] it's scary to man especially a black woman a black woman she lose her mind she seriously go crazier you can have a real timid sister for a girl and smack a be like I'm gonna kill you [ __ ] your hand in my face put him up faded Lisa ah stop baby hold up stop please please calm down baby calm down you don't hit me [ __ ] let's get the [ __ ] out so Yash your own house should be so sad you get the [ __ ] out - awesome [ __ ] you know you scared when the woman say get the [ __ ] out your own house and you leave I had a girlfriend once I smacked I got all cool on and [ __ ] and then she got cool - scared me more and should I just left but that slap then got my show I said I didn't wanna do that [ __ ] baby but you bought that [ __ ] on yourself but made me have to do it again I said no no I did bring it on myself I did why don't you just go to sleep and still to this day women only earn 70 percent of what men earn in the workplace and of course that's disgusting how dare women earn so much a lot of things that I say tonight will be jokes that I don't actually mean but this is something I'm really passionate about women do not deserve to earn as much money as men in the workplace I'm sorry I am NOT being a misogynistic bastard right I'm not saying that women don't work as hard I'm sure they do I'm not saying they don't do as good a job what I'm saying is they don't deserve to earn as much money as men right men need that extra 30% to buy meals and drinks and Jim Jefferies tickets and all that [ __ ] I'm sure there's women in this room that are saying I pay for my drinks I bought my ticket and don't think we don't appreciate the Uglies because we do I'll tell you guys from from my pants I'm telling you about things I went through okay you don't want to do it this is when I first find out my lady was crazy we was on the highway and she hit me first of all anybody that hits you when you're on the expressway of any kind don't care about their life let's get that out okay we're on the highway be coming from an event you know my kids in the backseat and we arguing I mean you know what your problem is you don't respect me as a man okay so you respect me as a man we're gonna always have problems that's why I fight so much how does he I'm thinking about putting my hands on keep on and I'm gonna show you what that feel like cuz you stupid I've been so afraid for my life dude I looked in the back my daughter my baby against me and everything you got a no got a know your woman fellas don't be afraid to be a man fellas I don't care what you gonna do you relationship don't be afraid to be a man stop being yes men no woman wants a yes man don't think that's gonna make you feel your relationship better because you agree with your woman all the time it's not gonna make your relationship better it makes you look stupid you're just saying yes all the goddamn time huh yeah yeah yeah yeah wait what do you mean yeah I get it yeah yeah yeah yeah we yeah yeah yeah yeah I'll pick it up yeah what now just left you ready to go back yeah man [ __ ] foot gives a ball here man argue that's what you in a relationship for you in your relationship to argue as we're men a tear for we argue even when you wrong argue I've been caught red-handed several times argue you want know how you win every single argument be laughs so you got do when they can't hand to that women can't handle when a man's voice gets past a certain level they break down they don't know what to do I've been court just mean what you say Matthew say it walk out you can't stick around you gotta you gotta if you stick around you give him a chance to come back and confuse you say your point get the [ __ ] out the room go Kevin I saw you I saw you Kevin I saw the [ __ ] in your car you come in and see you shut up shut the [ __ ] up man every time I come in the house you have to microwave all ha [ __ ] you [Music] you can get it [Applause] she'll be staying in like wait I thought I thought he liked it when I use the microwave I don't I don't know I don't understand him or what he wants from me anymore I don't understand me and my lady boy I don't mind women leaving me no see but they tell you why yeah [ __ ] that just leave like cuz ain't [ __ ] you can say when they talking to you right you know it's true all you can do is stand and look silly right and [ __ ] gets too thick right [ __ ] got a great answer we'll [ __ ] it then take your [ __ ] and get out yeah [ __ ] pack this [ __ ] you packing [ __ ] pack this [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] with me Batman how do you [ __ ] him to put it under your drawers I don't give a [ __ ] with the kids [ __ ] I'm gonna find me some new [ __ ] women come back at your ass all right yeah - more than just a dick you find some new puzzle [Applause] No are you just trying to [ __ ] with me see no you don't want me jump on you answer you have something to say when you leave I ain't going [ __ ] [ __ ] I know the dick was good to you every wasn't good why was you hollering I was harder to keep from laughing in your face not all the time you have to regroup on a woman jack you know now stay out think I asked but we out reason in [ __ ] see if we get two minutes and all we gotta do is get two minutes but it's hard to break down [ __ ] up when they get a roll going they leave you in the middle of four babbling baby you have to go to your psychology bag on there hey wait [ __ ] on this organ you know me that's this sir be cool all right just take your time and pack your [ __ ] all right take your time pack your [ __ ] put your [ __ ] in the bag is that bad gonna be big enough cuz if not you can use one of mine right you cool you got money and everything goes I guess you don't need no Matt you COO what do you mean I just wanted to be right [ __ ] I can't make you stay if you want to leave you just go ahead and pakis you understand we started off as human beings I wanted to in that way you do all you have to do is find another way out of here open that door but you try to leave me [ __ ] I'm okay all right I'll put the [ __ ] bag what the goddamn back [Applause] like there is no reason to hit a woman there is no reason to hit a woman and I was just like really I could give you like 17 right at the top of my head you can wake me from a drunken stupor I could still give you like 9 do there's plenty of reasons to hit a woman you just don't do it but the sit there and suggests that there's no reason through the level of ego behind that statement what are you levitating above the rest of us you're never annoying women how many times have you thought about slapping your your [ __ ] guy in the head this week there you go every day you didn't do it right I'll do drives me nuts there's no reason there's no reason really no reason how about this you marry a girl you fall in love you buy her house you go to work every day paying off the house you come home one day she's banging the next-door neighbour hand you divorce papers you got to move out sleep on a futon and still pay for that house that she's gonna stay in no reason I'm not saying he should do it but there's plenty of [ __ ] reasons in that arc of a story really assess a thing I hate that saying there's no reason obviously I'm not saying they hit a woman you know but saying there's no reason I think that's crazy when you say there's no reason that kills any sort of examination as to how two people ended up at that bet that place you say there's no reason you cut out the build-up you just left with the act how are you gonna solve it if you don't figure it out look how awkward it is in here right now I said you shouldn't hit a woman I'm just saying how come you can't ask questions you can only ask questions about what the guy did you can never ask about the woman why is that why is that what is that what is what is answer them right me what does that mean are you the idiot who got up halfway through the special during the bit and you're like walking around like on that [ __ ] taping a special here what's wrong with you what's wrong with [ __ ] had to ignore all of that and now you're gonna like yell out and not only that yells something that makes no [ __ ] sense whatsoever answer him answer him every [ __ ] special like though there's always one oh it's right down the [ __ ] middle talking about hitting women sweethearts and I think you just added another reason these is [ __ ] christ I love this I'm not even in a relationship with her and she's [ __ ] nagging me [ __ ] some believe ladies let's discuss it Luke let's discuss harassment for a second what why can't I harass you sometimes sometimes [Applause] I can never harass you ever and I'm not talking about like I'm talking just [Applause] at the job it's unfair that I can't harass you at the workplace like you're looking how you looking and I can't just a little something that has to do but you gotta be careful just to say hey you look beautiful today that's how messed up the game is I think you should be able to comment on any part of the body that you see if you I'm saying what's your name what's your name Jeanne now Jeanne no disrespect but if I work with you I swear to walk in and go oh Genie beautiful titty meet you have that [Applause] because I see that but whatever the scientific term is look at that list of a 4.9 grade point average Worcester what's the science term for tip the titty meat what's the actual and it's not the cleavage I mean the cleavage is the space in the middle I'm talking about the meat that the meat the titty and I'm not being foul just now you know you don't say just so I can go through the rest of the day without pretending then I don't see much we eat you understand let me let's work out a deal don't get me fired having women work with men right is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon dipping honey like so now you dip the salmon in the honey right grizzly bears and the salmon get to walk through comfortable with honey and fish and good morning grizzly bears and the grizzy fans design Brown what's our fish oh my god Human Resources the grizzly bears is the president so like I can't even go hey good morning good morning fish good morning oh I can't touch like y'all look at that let me just get a little bit of that fish look good look at that honey Oh [Applause] Bishan money and that's my favorite usually I kill fish and eating them stop but I just wanted to just rub that rub a little bit damn partner weeks ago I failed to perform sexually I'm not gonna go into details suffice it to say I arrived early girlfriend said don't worry that happens to a lot of guys said right I'll stop you there couple of things firstly who are these a lot of guys and secondly if it's happening to more than one of us don't you think it could be your fault see relationships are hard but for order for any relationship to work both people have to be on the same page both people have to have the same focus just right and we all know what that page is we all know us that focuses in order for the relationship to work both people that I have the same focus and what's that focus the focus is all about her it's all about her she's already there fellas she white and feudin come on fellas when you wake up in the morning you should look yourself in the mirror and say [ __ ] you [ __ ] your homes [ __ ] your fridge [ __ ] your plants but everything you thought this life was gonna bring you now let's go out there and try to make this [ __ ] happy yes it's all about heart fellas say yes to everything everything everything you could afford say yes to just say yes before she even gets it out of her [ __ ] mouth honey can guess honey I wanna guess how do you have I guess it's gonna stand yes yes yes yes another thing fellows don't argue you cannot win you cannot beat a woman and an argument it's impossible you will not win cuz men we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cuz we have a need to make sense [Applause] women ain't gonna let a little thing like sense [ __ ] up a argument cuz she nodded at the sin she said it but distance and irritation how long could I talk before this [ __ ] steps they want you to shake the [ __ ] out of them do you hear the cops come that's right like I said try your best to make her happy try that but here's one thing nobody tells you you can't make a woman happen it's impossible I've never met a happy woman in my life what it always complaining about something she women like two can play women save up shipping complaining about oh he don't even know I know but I'm gonna get his ass on that [ __ ] next one they like [ __ ] complaining they love it no matter what you do she'll be mad Yuma [ __ ] a woman with a diamond dick and make a [ __ ] pimp I just still could play why you made me [ __ ] so hard this diamond dick is clouding why don't you go to Tiffany's you're so [ __ ] cheap no matter what you do yo woman is mad at you if you work all the time let your girl you ain't never hope you always leaving me I hate this [ __ ] if you home all the time why are you all up under me let me get some [ __ ] room to breathe damn stop sweating me I hate this [ __ ] if you make more money [ __ ] you I want to make decisions too you ain't my [ __ ] daddy I'll need you to take care of me I hate this [ __ ] if she makes more money than you you broke my love bugger you never have no [ __ ] money [ __ ] - I don't want to make all these decisions I need to be taken care of I hate this [ __ ] I can't take it and the number-one reason yo woman's always mad fellas there's nothing one reason yo woman is pissed the [ __ ] off cuz you ain't her first choice darlin you ever catch your woman just looking at you but not saying nothing and her mind she's thinking how did I end up with this ugly [ __ ] Oh Lord this [ __ ] ugly and stupid I had a good man and I blue damn Lord killed my man gentle please kill him while I still look good enough to get something new please kill this [ __ ] now strike strike please note that the percentage of these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman those are you hissing at that jerk it should be a notice that that joke was written by a woman so now you don't know what the hell to do no I'm just kidding we don't hire women

Channel: LaughPlanet

Views: 3,447,628

Rating: 4.8206162 out of 5

Keywords: jokes on women, funniest jokes on women, standup on women, bill burr on women, eddie murphy on women, kevin hart on womne, richard pryor on women, louis ck on women, chris rock on women, feminism, standup comedy, humor, funny, stand up, stand up comedy, jimmy carr on women

Id: duzghEwdtJU

Length: 21min 36sec (1296 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 03 2019