Why Americans Suck At Partying - The Spit Take

hello the internet and welcome to another episode of the spit tape my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of cracked and Americans tend to think we have the best the world has to offer everything good has been turned into a Cheesecake Factory dish or a takeout restaurant and fed directly to our rich scientifically advanced faces right well it turns out compared to most of the rest of the world and a lot of history we suck at things like fun celebrations and party sure we've got Christmas and Halloween pretty great holidays but so do they and they also have stuff like German Father's Day AKA monitored tog in the United States Father's Day is basically Mother's Day with thoughtlessly given neckties instead of thoughtlessly given flowers but Germans understand that dads don't want that same breakfast in bed [ __ ] that passes on Mother's Day which is why they have monitor talk a day for fathers and sons to fill a wagon with beer walk into the woods and get faced as awesome as that sounds it sort of under sells it the wagon you roll out into the woods or homemade contraptions known as Buller vodka and they range from the beautiful to the awesomely functional what better way to bond with your dead than to build a beer mobile with a barbecue pit built in the correct answer is none there are no better ways to bond with your father than building of rolling beer back you pit miner Todd literally translates to man's day and is celebrated with brothers grandfather basically anything that identifies as a man and seems fun to get drunk with it's not celebrated on the same day as Father's Day it's just known as German Father's Day because they don't have our version of Father's Day because of course they don't they're too busy quietly respecting each other every July when somebody inevitably gets drunk and uses fireworks to badly mangled themselves there's a general hey just America be an American [ __ ] you can't handle it get your ass out the independence day vibe to the reaction please in my own head but it turns out other countries look at our fireworks and are like a kiss explosions like this I have roman candles larger than this in my stool these are all word-for-word quotes people point is other countries have much harder core pyrotechnic celebration there's the Mexican fireworks sledgehammer explosives festival so named because well you can probably guess why it's named that in Thailand they also fire roman candles at the sky they just attach them to giant awesome disks that spin skyward like steampunk UFOs and that don't always work out so well [Applause] or perhaps you prefer a pail yeah the annual Scottish festival that doesn't what the sparkly works part of our fourth of July equation and just hurls fire at chips to celebrate their Viking heritage because how else are you going to celebrate that [Music] legally that's the only music you're allowed to play over that footage wow that's legitimate ly terrifying you'll notice they have removed the traditional Viking boat accompaniment of water wouldn't want any of that around you when literally everything around you that isn't nailed down is on fire for people who find that to be too controlled an environment there's always Ottery st. Mary's burning tar barrel festival in which people carry a barrel of fire over their heads until it breaks apart at which point someone finds themselves holding the contents of a roaring fireplace in their bare hands this is sort of achievement for the years you worked your way up to doing the men's barrels but we're trying to guard the tradition to keep it to the same format you know that's getting old there's a live role is Witcher coming out of their prime now and we're coming into our prime it's down to us to carry on the tradition and make it make it something still have it for our kids in the future as long as my body's willing I'll be their lucky winner of course there's bola de fuego the el salvador holiday in which a town of ney hapa divides themselves into two teams picks up flaming balls wrapped in kerosene soaked rags and wings them back at forth at each other [Applause] of course they're wearing wet gloves which probably isn't doing much for that guy who just got hit in the balls with actual fire but the greatest fireworks festival happens every Easter that time of year in America where we get dressed up in Paisley finery and search for dyed eggs supposedly hidden by a bunny who leaves baskets of candy and green plastic grass just take a moment to appreciate what a complete word salad that sentences anyway every Easter in Greece two neighboring cities shoot homemade rockets across the valley that cuts between them in a combination fireworks display citywide paintball fight the all-night bombardment is called rocket war or a rocket top 11 MOS always have to add one too many syllables don't you grease anyways it's red [Music] the goal is to hit the other towns church bell while making the sky in between the towns look like Baghdad at night circa Operation Desert Storm family ref it's worth noting that this all takes place while mass is going on inside the goal is to hit the other towns Bell before mass is over and [Music] they spend the year leading up to Easter making the Rockets with their bare hands so there's even LM in a boxcar Derby mixed in if boxcar Derby is were the most fun you can have without access to another human beings genitals speaking of other human beings genitals electronic dance music festivals have a certain spicy musk to them if you're American don't know what I'm talking about I don't really blame you here's the promotional video for one of America's biggest EDM festivals the Electric Daisy Carnival [Music] it appears to combine the subtle relatability of Cirque de Soleil with the cheerful consumerism of Millennials all wrapped in a soccer stadium in the desert what's not to love well it turns out for a European ATM fans the promise of smelling thousands of sun-baked unwashed butts isn't enough on its own so they add some flourishes for instance [Music] that's Tomorrowland a festival in Belgium that comes with what appears to be Castle Grayskull being filtered through an acid trip or perhaps you prefer to worship at the foot of a giant fire-breathing modern art installation at the awakenings festival or the Ultra Music Festival we have the ultra cool music man time warp festival appears that happen underneath a living breathing final boss from the NES game contra or a mystery land which appears to take place in the middle of the forest from A Midsummer Night's Dream [Music] when we reach the final hours of the day the q-dance stage presents the legends of hardstyle full disclosure most EDM shows look like hell on earth to me as I'm the rare white person who doesn't like taking MDMA and doing the same dance move for three hours in a row but it doesn't matter what the activity is I'd rather do it next to a castle than trapped in a Baptist tent revival that worships glow sticks and body odor and the American desert every May the Bolivian Andes explode into a sort of nightmare spring break now I know it doesn't look like fun in the traditional sense of the word but imagine your town had one day each year where enemies could square off with each other with total impunity get it out of their system like a fistfight to purge second someone bleeds on the ground it's a wrap and you don't have to feel bad for punching your coach who took Little League too seriously because your mom has a fistful of her nosy neighbors hair in her hand yelling I'll stop when you bleed [ __ ] [Music] your mom talks like clubber lang for some reason a sociologist who studies these tribes compares it to American high school football which is sort of right but imagine that each town in Texas only had one high school football game a year it was three days long it was the only time each year anyone in town could drink and the whole family had to play I'm not saying it's necessarily better than our Christmas [Music] I'm just saying until you've gotten historically drunk with your grandfather and then fought the kid who never grew an inch after he bullied you in elementary school you can't tell me it's not oh do you guys like to party tell me about it didn't you guys have your own weird traditions that I didn't highlight film them and send them to my house and I will personally watch them won't be creepy I promise or just tell me about them in the comment section Thanks

Channel: Cracked

Views: 798,373

Rating: 4.7545323 out of 5

Keywords: fireworks, fire, european parties, south american parties, The Spit Take, Cracked.com, Cracked, Jack O'Brien, father's day, germany, funny, spoof, humor, satire, monotog, sledgehammer fireworks, thailand, roman candles

Id: kf3oef9D6nM

Length: 10min 20sec (620 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 31 2016