[Lock down Special] 101 Funny One Liners

so many people are jumping on the Barack Obama bandwagon which as an African American really offends me if there is a God why did he make me an atheist I like an escalator man cause the escalator could never break it can only become stairs till it floats it to me Asia Timmy said other young boy was your mother very strict with you I said let me make one thing absolutely clear my mother was never young boy you're looking at a very proud Canadian who's very proud of the education system in Canadia I think I think it's the goodest of all 17 countries the US military are pulling out of Baghdad fair enough withdrawing is what you do after you [ __ ] something I remember the day the candle shop burned down everybody just stood around and saying happy birthday when I was in America I already got into the culture I went into his shop and the guy said have a nice day and it didn't so I sued him well the kid my fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis for your long memory I I forget my response I don't have a girlfriend I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that gold-plated chains would make a nice retirement gift for a very very good slave you got a lot of nerve showing your face around your house er look who's talking do you mind if I masturbate like most Canadians I like to go clubbing but if there's no seals around so I was in this Airport and I said to this woman I said oh she said no sir this is the check-in desk I love Jesus it was my superhero I like my border security like I like my sex sure I have boundaries but occasionally I let a Mexican man sneak in was that casino stand by the door a security guy came over he said you're gonna have to move you're blocking the fire exit so if there was a fire I wasn't gonna run my uncle was a clown for Ringling Brothers Circus and when he died all his friends went to the funeral in one car my proctologist used to be a photographer yeah he took x-rays told me to bend over and say cheese oh no I was horrible in school I failed math so many times I can't even cats I was good at history No no I was if you want to know what the world would be like in a post-apocalyptic future for four pounds national Express can get you to Glasgow my sister your husband live next to a bunch of cell phone towers and their concern is can affect the health of their children you know if they can stop having miscarriages so watch the football match in Japan at the end they start doing martial arts I said man I said what's going on he said there's two minutes of min jury time I quit my job at the helium gas Factory I refused to be spoken to in that tone my friend asked me if you could have any superpower in the world what would it be I said Cold War Russia I can't get into the flossing thing people who smoke cigarettes they said man you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking yes I do it's as high as is to start flossing a very common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time want to cook want to clean just because you're offended it doesn't mean you're right so I get off the plane and I forgot to undo my seatbelt and I'm pulling the plane through the terminal now you get older it's tough to get girls to best need to be as bisexual then you got a shot on everybody I preferred French over chemistry because the chemistry teacher and I just didn't have any repor sadly as a kid I don't speak French such is life this is true my my mom actually should have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11 I think I play golf I'm not gonna go up I never got good I never got a hole-in-one but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying it's when your working-class mom Jesus is like an unpaid babysitter so I get out of the bed I figure to go for a walk she said how long I'm gonna be gone he said the whole time we talk here for a second that since there's no big deal to have a woman in the White House John F Kennedy had a thousand of them I am okay when I was the kid I got no respect at all you know they always made me take the family picture and that way I wouldn't be in it people worry about their physical appearance we all have silly hang-ups personally I worry that one of my balls is bigger than the other two religion is enormous it is when it's when your God starts telling you that you should kill homosexuals we all have bittersweet memories of our childhood I recall one summer when the neighborhood parents were buying their children's skateboards it was the rage at the time except for my parents they told me that we were too poor and that they couldn't afford to buy me a skateboard but I remember one night I tippy-toe doubt of my bedroom I got a piece of wood and a hammer and I beat them to death amen every book is a children's book if the kid can read I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer but no one will do it if my grandmother knew how much money I spent on her funeral she would be spinning in her ditch my girlfriend's family are quite religious I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parents house and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together which was a shame because he's very attractive a restaurant I ordered a chicken sandwich but I don't think the waitress understood me because she said how would you like your eggs so I tried to answer her anyhow I said incubated and then raised and then beheaded and then and then cut up and then put onto a grill and they put onto a bun damn it's gonna take a while scrambled i sit at the hotel at night I think of something that's funny then I go get a pen and I write it down or if the pens too far away I had to convince myself that what I thought of aint funny to to commit suicide is is denying grace of God [ __ ] off was five years old watching TV only you can prevent forest fires oh no every night out the window with a bucket of water you know what man I'm sick of following my dreams I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later this farmer came up to me he said I've got 68 sheep can you round them up for me how's it short 70 you know you can't please all the people all the time and last night all those people were at my show there are immigrants that have come to America stolen jobs and murdered the local population and we call those immigrants the founding fathers oh I'm in a sexy girl a few weeks ago working a restaurant making hamburgers she told me she to make a big boy in three minutes and a boy big in two minutes [Applause] [Laughter] my sexual fantasy is to make love to Sigmund Freud's father mother I'm a year closer to death than last time I saw you when I was out in the middle of the desert a UFO landed three one inch tall guys get out they walked over to me he said are you really one inch tall they said no we're really very far away and I was a very ugly kid every time I oh man wanted sex my mother showed her my picture you know what man I got a parrot the parrot talked but it did not say I'm hungry so it died I'm an atheist I don't believe in about 2,700 God's Christian's don't believe in two thousand six hundred and ninety-nine so they're nearly as atheistic as moon yes have a hobby very embarrassed about I could tell you my hobby but then I'd have to kill you which coincidentally is my hobby nobody wants to be alone a recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful once again finding romance beer-bellied completely bald I don't like her chances I like people yeah I just know my favorite animal my theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted I got caught masturbating to a National Geographic magazine not my finest hour I don't know who was more embarrassed to me or my dentist I went to a proper showbiz party recently and Brad Pitt was there and they say never meet your heroes but I think Brad handled it really well Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world you gotta be careful I was involved in a one-night stand that went horribly wrong we've been married three years now why did the Muslim cross the road because he was being relocated by Israeli authorities to make more room for Jewish settlements on the West Bank sweet nothing went right I bought a waterbed there were two Cuban guys swimming they're looking for Florida one time a guy handed me a picture of me so here's a picture of me when I was younger every picture is of you when you were younger driving down the street passed a gas station there are two signs in the window Help Wanted self-service so I went in nerd right off I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it I love everywhere in the world cuz wherever you go people do all the same it's not easy being green when I was a young boy my dad said to me sit Timmy said you can be anything you want to be in life the sky's the limit which made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut too euro from the sale of every one of my DVDs goes to the poor underprivileged children of Cambodia who manufacture them my wife is beautiful my wife has an ass like JLo no jello I'll tell you when I was a kid I was poor very poor how poor I was so poor my neighborhood the rainbow is I'm black and white you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of lunchmeat section for too long you start to get pissed off at turkeys you see like turkey ham turkey pastrami turkey Bologna someone needs to tell the turkeys man just be yourself you make love to the right woman Johnny it's beautiful beautiful I mean the last time I made love to my wife it was ridiculous nothing was happening I looked right so what's the matter can't you think of anyone either I like rice rice is great when you're hungry and you want to thousand of something is my wife dissatisfied with my body a tiny part of me says yes I got a new CD it's in stores when you have a CD in stores you have to do in-store appearances if nobody shows up I just pretend like I'm shopping no I've got a girlfriend I've been going out with my girlfriend for sex that loves bread but he doesn't have the capability to buy a loaf I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping I don't worry about being dead I won't know about it that's the best thing about being dead it's like being stupid it's only painful for others yeah Tom's an airline pilot so if your name is Jack cuz you walk into the cockpit the copilot says uh Jack Neville start screaming I gotta you know what man I got a parrot the parrot talk but it did not say I'm hungry so it died I hope you guys are doing okay money-wise I'm set for life provide I die next Tuesday I got a new dog he's a paranoid Retriever he brings a kever ething cuz he's not sure what I throw he trying to become at least most famous person my neighbor there's a guy my neighborhood he's in the Guinness Book of Records he's had 43 concussions he lives very close in fact just a stone's throw away but the point I used to do drugs I still do but I used to

Channel: LaughPlanet

Views: 2,813,136

Rating: 4.7110701 out of 5

Keywords: one liners, best one liners, funny one liners, 100 one liners, 101 one liners, jimmy carr one liners, mitch hedberg one, rodney dangerfield one liners, stewart francis one liners, steven wright one liners, one liners comedy, anthony jeselink, norm macdonald, comedy, jokes, tim vine one liners best, Ricky Gervais

Id: YSj0TSBTZd0

Length: 15min 49sec (949 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 20 2020