Why I Leave the Toilet Seat Up | Jeff Allen

i read where it takes 10 years in a marriage 10 years together to iron out all the little annoyances my wife and i have been married 15 years and there's some things we haven't figured out yet haven't resolved simple examples the toilet seat i leave it up she sits in the water late at night after 15 years we have yet to figure out whose fault that is that she sits in the water seems pretty clear to me i'm still trying to figure out how it happens i asked her one night what are you back in don't look at the toilet bowl get this image of my wife at midnight it's a 50 50 change i sit down and get wet i'm beating him up i've watched her get up in the middle of the night knowing i left the seat up thinking should i say something telling your wife the seat is up never makes you laugh not telling her it could crack you up you don't know until she walks in and shuts the door then you hear you know better grab those little chuckles when you can you have to learn how your spouse argues everyone's different i want to see my wife will never tell me to do anything but she bosses me around all the time see she wants me to do something that always begins with a question and answer period simple example i'll leave a pair in my underwear in the middle of the room would she tell me to pick them up no she'll look at me and go are those yours well i hope so otherwise i have a few questions [Applause] see my favorite one now here's the first time you're a month married or whatever i'm leaving the house got golf clubs on my shoulder right walking out the door what does she say to me where you going like it takes colombo to put this one together but you're newlywed so you turn around go go golfing what does she say fine fine have a good time fine it's that word fine that ruins your round of golf 12 holes later you're a raven lunatic you don't even know why you mean fine fine was she upset but fine i don't even know what's in fact it's not all upset that was fine buddy said no better now if i'm leaving the house now 15 years later with golf clubs my wife goes where are you going i'm going to put these in the trunk and then i'm going to go mow it along did i do good boy you get into some goofy arguments when you're married man we got anyone over a roasted chicken only married people would fight over a roasted chicken about two months married i decided i would take a nap which i've since learned is a big no-no god forbid i would have my rest i'm sleeping i don't know if i was asleep five minutes or five hours all i know is i woke up to the sound of the vacuum in my bedroom apparently i wasn't waking up quick enough she starts to go under the bed folks we have a water bed there is no under the bed just i'm coming too she looks at me it says chicken's done you'll have to back up or miss something she said no you said you'd carve the chicken with the chicken with that go with a curvy chicken now i said you know i never said that well you know that's the worst thing you can say to your wife she says you said something pal you better say you said it see that falls into that you want to be right or happy category see what you learned to say is you're right i said it but now i'm taking it back and i'll tell you how dumb i was i figured that was the end of the discussion i roll over she gets on the bed get up you said you carved a chicken get in here carried a chicken and he said i don't know how to carve a chicken never covered a chicken my whole life why don't you carve in chicken she says i don't know how to cover chicken either now you said you covered chicken you get a cup of chicken now i'm not even married two months i'm already a mumbling idiot i'm walking to the kitchen i hate chicken i don't even like chicken i want a i stupid lobster we'd just go to luby's or something get some jello that's all just lousy chicken now i'm in the kitchen and i'm not in a good mood i got the knife i got the fork i got the chicken i'm trying to figure it out in comes my wife who just told me she didn't know how to carve a chicken well apparently there was a class somewhere between our bedroom and the kitchen every married man in this room knows what happened next knife wasn't even on the bird she's going you're doing it all wrong so now i stab the chicken and i'm just waving that i'll i'll show you how to carve a chicken and it flew off the fork and it landed on oh you would have thought i shot her with an m16 you

Channel: Jeff Allen Comedy

Views: 112,011

Keywords: comedy, stand up comedy, bananas, hilarious comedy, family-friendly comedy, clean comedy, family comedy, toilet, toilet seat up, toilet seat, jeff allen

Id: ukf2UacQmG0

Length: 5min 47sec (347 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 23 2020