What's Your Awesome Escape of a Potentially Embarrassing Moment?

what's the most awesome way you've escaped from an embarrassing potentially damaging moment i was on my daily jog one day and halfway through i thought i felt a cramp i actually had to take the most massive crap in my life it got worse the faster i went and i was about 2.5 miles away from my house so i power walked the rest of the way home i am literally now like 100 yards from my house it's at the top of the hill if i just turned right but i could not hold it anymore my butthole completely erupted as i jumped over the guardrail to hide in the swamp next to my house at this point i just chat myself like never before and i'm on the verge of tears as i realize i'm going to have to walk all the way up that hill in front of all my neighbors then i spotted a huge mud puddle not too far away it was my only option i wallowed in the puddle for a few seconds and walked up my hill looking like a swamp monster but not a swamp monster who crap his pants not so much escaping embarrassment but my brother-in-law's grandmother lives alone in caracas which is an extremely dangerous city one day she was walking on her own down in ally and she noticed she was being followed by a group of men who were about to mug her she turns around and yells hijo which means son basically an old lady-esque way of acting as if she knew him and hugs one of the guys she then started telling him he'd grown so much and looked very good asked him to please tell his mother she'd said hi and promptly said she was on her way home and dismissed herself the group of men were so confused that they just left her alone whoa that's one ballsy lady on my first day of track practice in eighth grade it was raining so we were doing laps inside the school it was paid out like a rectangle on one lap there were three girls walking side by side by side through the hallway i tried to go between one of them and the wall i tripped she probably tripped me so i tried a somersault somehow i actually pulled it off and once i was back on my feet i kept running never even stopped moving use the boost to get through when i was about 12 i had a diamondback bicycle that i would ride to school daily one day after school got out and i was walking back to my bike i realized that i had lost my bike lock key as i was nearing the bike racks i see a particular group of boys walk with my goddamn bike they had been eyeing it for a while and i just walked up to them took my bike and said oh hey thanks for getting this out for me i lost my key so i was really worried i wouldn't be able to get it unlocked thanks and rode off if they didn't chase after me or anything they were so surprised well then bad butt so i woke up in the middle of the night from a vivid dream and wasn't sure where i was i could barely make out my surroundings but i knew that i wasn't in my own bed my head hurt and my mouth was dry i had definitely been drinking i was lying on my side with my arm around somebody who had her back to me it started to come back to me i was at a party last night at my girlfriend's house and we were in her bed no problem even better i had pushed my hand inside her bra and was cupping her boob great then an arm came around me from behind and i didn't know who the frick it was i couldn't turn to see and had to rack my brain to try to recall the events of the night i remembered that her best friend was very drunk and we put her to bed my girlfriend's bed that's fine she's just asleep and putting her arm around me wait a minute weren't they on the opposite sides of the bed frick so there i was in bed cupping my girlfriend's best friend's boob one my girlfriend was cuddling me her bra was really tight and every time i tried to pull my hand out she would start murmuring in her sleep and fidgeting as though she might wake up which made my girlfriend do the same i thought maybe she'll wake up and i'll explain and we'll all have a laugh about it i thought this quite ambitiously before realizing that she was more likely to wake up screaming because she wouldn't know who was groping her and i'd be labeled as a pervert of some sort so i did the only thing that i could think of i slowly got the arm that i was lying on free seriously slowly it took about 10 minutes i could only use this arm from the elbow and managed to lightly grab my girlfriend's arm i guided her arm so that her hand was on top of my hand which was on her friend's boob i started imitating the breathing of my girlfriend to get a realistic sleeping rhythm and yank my hand out just as i started snoring i kept my eyes open just enough to see without being caught and saw the two of them jerk awake as soon as i did it the friend looked down at her boob and saw my girlfriend's hand there and my girlfriend also looked at her misplaced hand she said sorry the friend said not to worry and i snored away while smiling like a madman on the inside that's some indiana jones crap right there at least the building didn't start crumbling and flinging giant boulders at you i once reminised with my wife about a time and place in the mistaken belief that it was a shared experience when she said i assume that was with one of your ex gfs i remembered a quote from tv and said i'm sorry i just assume all my happy memories were with you cheesy but i like it i met this girl and we really hit it off but for the life of me i couldn't remember her name when i asked for her number i said so should i just put you down as beautiful she laughed and said number silly sarah is fine you may have saved my future self five years ago i was on the way to a citrance party with my buddy who was driving at that time i took a lot of drugs and had a little bag with me which contained a whole galaxy of multicolored uppers downers screamers laughers you know the story as we were driving we see the cops behind us and i'm thinking all right they are going to pull us over hide the stuff i didn't wanted to hide it in the car or else my buddy would be blamed for it so i put the stuff in my hood and of course we got pulled over the cop told me to step out of the car and it need to be mentioned that i was a bearded guy with dreadlocks dressed up in the most ridiculous citroens outfit you can imagine he told me to empty my pockets on the seats and i was shoveling tons and tons of different citroens flyers out of my pockets as i unloaded my precious treasury of flier collection his dirty little smirk got bigger and bigger he starts searching every pocket i have let me take off my shoes and looked into my stinking socks he stopped frustrated and a bit angry tells me that i'm lucky this time and let me go now we stepped back into the car and parked it somewhere near the party i'm really on adrenaline now and as we were walking down the road suddenly a car stops besides us two guys get out the car good evening gentlemen police can we see your head please i started laughing and told them that their friends just checked us and described the other police officers in their car they instantly got cool asked us where we were heading after telling him we were on the way to a party the officer told us to jump in he is going to drive us it's a long way to walk there so we got in and while driving the cop tells us to stay quiet he's going to pull a prank on his buddy after driving a couple of minutes his car stops besides the other cop which pulled us over earlier the driver pulls down his window and asks did you just check those two guys he looks into the car locks my eyes and says yes did you check them carefully yes did you look in their underwear no well you should have i just found a huge chunk of hash in this guy's shorts i see the anger in the cops eyes and we drive away the cops in the front seats are laughing their asses off whereas i'm dying a thousand deaths in the back seat finally we arrive at the party we get out of the car and the cops wish us a good night and drive into the night years ago i worked as a deckhand on a recreational dive boat we took tourists out to the local artificial reefs so they could poke around and look at fish one afternoon we decided to go to an infrequently visited site 12 or so miles offshore now my job was essentially that of a human anchor i would jump down with the anchor chain and tie into whatever wreck or reef we were visiting come up let the divers poke around and go back down to untie when we were ready to leave on this particular occasion right as i was freeing the chain from the bulkhead we had tied into i saw what i estimated to be about a 13-15 foot tiger shark now i have seen a lot of sharks in my day and a fair number of big ones so of course i was cautious but i was far from worried initially as i started my ascent the shark got more curious starting to circle around obviously trying to get out of my field of vision by the time i was at about 25 feet the shark was just getting way too close for my comfort she was only circling about 10 or 20 feet away from me and i got scared adrenaline started pumping and i decided frickit i'd rather get bent than eaten so i shot to the surface and before i could even think about swimming to the back of the boat to climb up the ladder i literally hand over hand climbed up the anchor rope and onto the deck a few details that make this comical i was wearing full dive gear tank weights fins everything that crap is heavy the rope was still being pulled in by the captain i scaled the rope so fast he didn't have time to react by dropping it or securing it to a cleat or anything it was a big boat i had to climb about 10 feet of rope to get up on the deck no one believed me that there was a huge shark and i'm pretty sure i crap in my wetsuit i was walking out of a costco with something like eight televisions and mounts of various large sizes i noticed a family with three young children staring at me and quipped i'm building a fort immediately the children asked their parents if they too could build a fort out of tvs i bought my best friend the wine rack for her 21st birthday it's a bra with inserts that hold 750 milliliters of liquid plus it works like a water bra so it gives you big tatas yay we were at a big concert at our university that everyone always sneaks alcohol into she had vodka in the bra and a security guard pulled her aside because she noticed the tube that comes out of the side for you to drink out of and for you to blow up the bra once it's empty haha the security guard started following the tube and demanded she explain what it was when my boyfriend at the time yelled she has diabetes the security guard immediately apologized and sent us on our merry way apologies to those with diabetes my bf's best friend growing up was diabetic so it immediately popped into his head i was attending a funeral for a family member of my wife's at one point i was cornered by my wife's aunt and her two sisters all at least 20 years my senior year i don't recall how the conversation went up until then but at one point i was asked which one of us would you say is the oldest to which i replied obviously i am was working at a call center that sold electronics to credit card reward points users i was in the middle of talking up a panasonic lumix camera to a lady on the phone when i accidentally let slip a freaking freaking good camera i was in the middle of saying to my horror but saved it by turning it into if i can if i can tell you about when i got off that call after selling the camera the dude next to me cracked up and said pro save you sir are a genius that's one of the best saves i've ever heard of just after high school when i was still pretty flat chested and didn't have much in the way of curves i was wandering them all like you do i'm suddenly hit with the overwhelming urge to use the restroom this particular mall only had restrooms at either end and i was in the middle by the time i make it to the end of the mall i was too preoccupied with not soiling myself and mistakenly walked into the men's room didn't realize this until i saw the urinals on the wall but the place was empty and i had to go so frickit after i've relieved myself and am walking out a man walks in stops and stares hey your girl he blurts the surgery is not for another six months but thanks honey i said winking at him sauntered out of there like a methur [ __ ] boss and immediately left them all in case he called security some juiced up guy approached me on the street in the middle of the day carrying an armful of calvin klein colognes and threatens to stab me if i don't give him my wallet and phone i just said you don't have a knife he handed me one of the colognes and ran off perhaps this is one of calvin klein's new marketing strategies by saying amusing and unusual or otherwise silly things all the time i've become impervious to failure despite not being that good at real life people just assume i'm joking if i ever say anything blatantly incorrect it's kind of unnerving sometimes this is pretty much my strategy the downside is that people are never sure if i'm complimenting them or freaking with them acceptable loss in a department meeting i was getting the nods room was warm no coffee beforehand five other people who could give a diddy frick what my manager was droning on about i'm leaning back in my chair actually feeling my face tip forward my boss yells derp stay with us and throw some wadded up paper at me i wake up with a jolt and blurt dog ate my homework that was seriously a reflex everyone laughs with me i think i've been in a similar situation back in college in a small seminar class in mine the jolt jerk reaction was to stick my arm up and the piece of paper just happened to get caught between two of my fingers closed the hand and smiled i had caught it clearly i was totally attentive i was on my way home in a dangerous district in riga when i had the brilliant idea to take a photo of an old building in a dark side alley backpack full of expensive camera laptop some money and all other important traveling stuff that's when this aggressive probably high on coke guy and jim pants came up to me positioned himself in front of me snorted and asked for some money jingy jingy bernardi monavie it was a dangerous situation and we both knew now you have to know that my host and rigor explained to me just a couple of hours before that there is this game some brutes play with people ask for a cigarette then ask for money then beat the crap out of them and steal all their stuff so i got pretty nervous when this guy made clear that he and i won't be bffs i needed more time to think so i played dumb i don't understand you but you can have a cigarette he took my whole pack and put it away we both knew this is level two of this game he took my pack and i'm in danger that's when he started asking for money again but this time really agitated almost shouting jingy jingy bony bony feverishly doing this money symbol with middle finger and thumb that's when it struck me i felt invincible and showed a huge smile i clapped my forehead said laughing now i get it did the money symbol with my fingers and took out my lighter you need a lighter the astonishment in his face was impossible to miss tonight he picked the dumbest victim of them all he took my lighter lit his cigarette and put the lighter in his pocket another act of aggression okay game's over he'll beat me up now no matter what i do that's when it struck me the third time i gestured towards his trousers and told him to give me back my lighter and he did without thinking but that's when it struck him i lost i the dangerous thug was fooled by a dumb tourist i swear i saw it in his eyes i lost well and then i ran towards the nearest police station and waited a bit shaking i feel like this sounds like a territorial ritual you would see on national geographic not some coke head in a back alley i was about to be mugged in a crowded street two guys closed on me and threatened me with a supposedly hidden pipe they had on a backpack i just kept walking straight they told me to go into the dark alley i just kept walking straight they threatened me repeatedly i kept walking straight i started talking to them and told them i had no money and that i was walking to a scout meeting which was like 15 blocks away i actually had money we reached a corner and a cop was standing there the guys flee but at the end one of them actually gave me cash for the bus because he thought it was a long way to walk i f had a buddy m who who get crap face drunk nightly but always seemed to pull a good looking girl problem was the next morning after he pretended to be asleep long enough for them to leave he never remembered their name we used to go out almost every night so when the girls would come talk to him i always saved his butt with hey if i knew her name didn't we just see you last thursday did you change your hair letting him know what night they went out and knowing dang well she didn't do anything to her hair or i'm sorry i'm terrible with names you are if i didn't know her name of course she would say oh it's okay it's amy and my buddy would say something stupid to the effect of how could you forget amy if he had not have bought my alcohol my entire college career i would not have played the dumb name for getting friend role you can escape from embarrassing and or potentially damaging moments god dang i've been doing it wrong my whole life this actually happened a few weeks ago i was at a bar talking to these two girls i know next to them was this huge guy who had previously been talking to them non-stop about how great he was etc etc blah blah the girls were telling me while he was standing next to them talking to some other girl out of your shot that someone should stick a blow dart in him i made a gesture in his direction of shooting a blow dart fist up to mouth blowing when i did that he turned and saw me he said oh what i'm annoying you and avrian here and you're shooting a blow dart at me double quote i looked at him puzzled and said what are you talking about i'm trying to get the bartender's attention so i can order a beer at that point i did the gesture again at the bartender and she said here you go and gave me a beer the guy said dude i am so sorry i thought you were making fun of me next one is one me situation diverted extra b again the dude actually seemed like a cool guy i was sending a text to a co-worker about my jerk of a boss i texted him totally pisses me off then sent it to tim i immediately catch it and wrote that's right tim i'm talking to you i'm p you are not here to get us through the day with your hilarious jokes either way he wrote back lol i'll have some good ones on monday but equals saved somehow i don't think he bought it i have a couple ones from school i'll post the other one if this one gets any interest so first off multimedia and animation class with mr d mr d was an old bastard not suited to teach anything let alone anything with computers he had no hair and a white beard that billowed dandruff onto the summit of a massive beer gut bulging in his polo shirt and across his keyboard i had no idea this was possible before i met him he was ex-military and would brag about how much he used to be able to bench every day i would go into class fairly early and he thinking me to be a fine young texan boy this took place in san antonio and would ramble aimlessly at me with the most potent old man coffee breath you can imagine about the terrorist obama bin laden who was running for president needless to say i thought this man was in a chat so one day he's lecturing the class about how clueless we 90 of the class were we couldn't use the simplest computer and so on and so forth he finally blurts out you know sometimes i think you'll are just plain stupid absent-minded knee-jerk reaction from this cool kid writing the post without missing a beat you're stupid the class all turns and looks at me with the holy freaking crap are you serious face i think fast and as he's turning to scream at me punch the kid next to me in the shoulder and say you need to export the file before you can put it into movie maker stupid mr d just says see this is the kind of thing i'm talking about and goes back to lecturing tl dr i turned a thoughtless insult at a teacher into a corrective discipline meant for a fellow student better than my classmate who insulted my teacher the teacher who was a small old guy went bright red drill sergeant in 20 seconds and they ended up brawling and three high school wrestlers took the kid down which was actually on the losing end of the teacher's self defense best mugging story i've ever heard a friend of my freshman roommate was walking home late at night talking on his cell phone when a big guy jumped out at him with a knife and told him to hand over his wallet phone etc the guy hands over his wallet and then very reluctantly his cell phone then he starts to cry saying how he'll lose all his contacts of all these people he just became friends with that college etc the mugger took pity on him and gave him his cell back then ran off the friend promptly calls the police who catch the mugger a few blocks away within five minutes the friend was very proud of his trick the moral here is that sympathy kindness toward one's victim as kryptonite to a mugger i shall keep that in mind if i ever plan to mug someone when i was 19 i went to disney with my family i was with my brothers sister and sister-in-law's all of whom were over 21 we were hanging out in some lane club one night in downtown disney i was drunk and i had a drink in my hand with a makeshift drinking bracelet that i had found on the floor i am a tall skinny dork and i had managed to start dancing with a girl i would consider a 10 out of 10. i feel a strong grasp on my shoulder while i am dancing and talking with this girl it was a disney cop my bracelet had fallen off and i told him that i had forgotten my car he said he was going to have to take me to the station so i replied leather way apparently he took the bait because he actually turned around to leg the way i had two shirts and a hat on hat came off shirt came off and i stuffed them in my pencil in a matter of a half second whilst doing a 180 degree turn from the cop i had to hide from a small group of disney cops weaving in and out of people line dancing to the song the cha cha slide i had made it to the exit where my brother was ready to get me out of there when i realized i had never grabbed the girl's number i sneaked back over to her got the number and escaped back out we are still together tl dr eluded the majority of disney's police force during the cha cha slide and got the girl of my dreams in the process if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: Updoot Everything

Views: 76,742

Rating: 4.9148493 out of 5

Keywords: great escape, escape stories, awkward moments, dodged a bullet, escaping, escape, embarrassing, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2019, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh

Id: T0Njodj75j0

Length: 24min 24sec (1464 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 03 2020