What's The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Your Butt?

what's the worst thing that ever happened to your butt I went to bed one night without underwear on and only a nightgown mr. Sandman comes and I fall into a sleep that involves a dream in the dream I'm dressed for an interview and I'm standing near the elevator waiting for it to open suddenly in my dream I feel like there is a popsicle stick wrapped around a rubber band inside my underwear I'm freaking out because I'm about to go into an interview and it feels like this popsicle stick is twirling across my anus and it feels weird but I can't reach back to stop it because there are people all around finally I snap out of this weird dream in the twirling that my butt is still going on what the heck I reached down and discover my dachshund has been licking my butt the whole time and it was incorporated into my dream I have never slept under wireless again first one to actually make me burst out laughing I had a bump near my anus the size of my thumb and was really concerned about it I was at this leadership assessment course and had to ask a battle buddy to look up my butthole to see if it was a tick bite the females were in the tent next to us so all they heard was hey I need a huge favor from you can you look up my butthole for a second he and I became best friends after that last December I had a boil on my behind I tried to ignore it or use all natural remedies like at some salt baths and peppermint oil that didn't work and it grew and grew and was so painful I couldn't sit or stand unless I was walking I could only really lay down the last day two weeks in off trying in vain to be a tough guy I couldn't even stand okay I really need to go to the hospital I found out after I did go to the hospital and had it drained my little stunt of ignoring her gave me a staph infection I really could have caused myself a lot more trouble I was on antibiotics for a couple weeks LPT do not ignore a boil you can not ride them out the worst thing and as you may also agree the best thing to ever happen to my anus occurred on the 3rd of March 2011 I been hospitalized for all the week prior having stumbled headlong into a aneurism and all the fun you may naturally ascribe to such a situation including a whole new subcategory of emotionally disturbing existential questions from the untrained professionals to attempt passing through in the years to follow but first I had to poke a week of heavy medications and work and days of migraines and the last thing left for me to do is prove to the neurologists that I have the power to cook for I hadn't all week constipated for sure I exerted and I sweat but I also wasn't allowed to really push myself frustrating and soon necessitating my first enema the sweet little Mexican nurse asks me if I'd like to administer it myself oh sure I'll give it a try I disappear into the bathroom disrobe step into the handle shower and try with vigor to stick the nozzle up my pooper the details now escaped me but I recall a lot of Lube and little success I emerged defeated but the nurse sure doesn't seem to mind she lays me on my side in the bed unfolding my fart flaps with expert thump work and in goes the dynamite a slick cold squirt of magic juice deep into me triggering a reflex I still to this day feel in the back of my throat but no crap did come I wasn't sure what would happen next I imagined them cutting me open and cease sectioning the log jam from my colon I probably looked worried the nurse shrugged sometimes it just takes two squirts oh okay cool go for it one more injection immediately this feels different than the first go around reflexively I roll off the bed and disappear again into the bathroom I barely have time to sit on the sanitized porcelain throne before it feels as if a clawed hand comes up from the pipes like a snake in a nightmare it pushes right up my butt wraps its long fingers around the tennis balls somewhere inside me and just pulls the whole thing out on its way back to heck never before had I experienced such an intertwining of agony and relief I screamed and mixed emotion something between an orgasm and a plea for a better god that's what it felt like obviously the bowl was filled with blood and Po and not sports equipment but I wonder to this day if maybe some of the coins I ate as a small child had fire we passed in the Exodus I'll never know but I don't throw up as often now your poo needed the coins to pay the ferryman was prescribed tramadol and a boatload of other pain meds for a condition I have did not poop for about two weeks seriously that stuff turns your bowels to cement I take two laxatives in the morning nothing happens being the smart person I am I take six more late afternoon at some point in the evening my period had also started flash-forward to me sitting on the toilet of two am crying due to period and constipation pain and feeling like I'm giving birth through my booty hole on another note I once lost about 2 kilograms that's about 5 lbs after having one monster crab jumped off a 50-foot cliff in Malta and landed wrong really hurt my tailbone had to fight home the next day on budget airline with really crappy seats longest flight ever I crapped myself once in grade school because as a nerdy guy I was already disliked I couldn't poop at school and live to tell the tale I cleaned up but didn't dispose of the Thai tea what is because I am a stupid stupid person I heard so many oMG who farted that day but I just kept my head down until gym class it was square dancing day I had to spin my partner a girl partner no less while ignoring the crap smell and Sarah or whoever being like does anyone smell that hey Sarah I'm trying to do as I do here why don't you focus on that for five freaking seconds okay this is pushing 25 years ago and I still want to die I pooped 47 times in 24 hours due to montezuma's revenge from some badger Rizzo into Anna after leaving urgent care to get my meds my new gf fob a few weeks came to pick me up and that's when it hit I spent 25 minutes in the back of her car clenching my boss and yelling drive go please hurry at the top of my lungs and we're still together to this day I love a happy ending at 19 while playing in a softball game I farted so hard that I gave myself a hemorrhoid had no idea what a blown gasket felt like and was whimpering in tears with every bathroom visit for a week don't push out your farts kids oh my god I didn't even know this was possible r.i.p butthole I had this pain for a long while in my butt cheek it hurt for like a year her to bend over hurt to walk her to move but I mean it was my butt I'm a young girl at the time I'm embarrassed I didn't do anything about it finally when I was crapping blood I went to a doctor they couldn't diagnose me but knew something was wrong so they monitored me via weekly visits for a while finally months later whatever this thing was surfaced and holy crap the pain I ended up going to the aware they cast the hood off which was my skin preventing this thing from coming all the way to the surface it essentially popped it like a giant is it when they cut that skin off I felt relief via staph almost puked from the smell finally they understand what it is an exit shoot fistula so I go to a specialist he puts me on a table about table where they Bend you over than the table lifts see your butt is easy access for the doctors turns on a few lights to spotlight my bump so he can see then and this is where a big part of me dies he opens the door and in walk about a dozen medical students all very curious about my butt which is lit up like Liza Minnelli in a spotlight and elevated to my level 30 years later I'm still not quite over the MA abutment played a game in high school where we put a bicycle upside down spun the pedals until the wheel was going as fast as it could go and then stopped it by putting our bare asses against the tire actual red and black skid marks burned deep into our butt meat one time I had a hemorrhoid that was the size of the end joint off my pinky that's not even the worst part since I had never before had a him a Hoyt I asked my ex gf to see what was going on back there I'm sure we both wish to never again remember it also believe it or not this had nothing to do with why we eventually broke up ah before reading that last line I assumed she was already your ex that would have been something on a camping trip with friends one morning my one friend thought it would be funny to bust out his paintball gun and light up the tents while everyone was still asleep in them around that time I came out of one of the tents to take a pee so in addition to the temps he added me to his target list to just mess around and not really try to hit well not only did he hit me but right above the left cheek of my butt from about 20 yards against skin covered only by a pair of boxers I had a purple golf ball-sized weld that turned into a reddish cantaloupe size bruised after a couple days and it hurt like heck to sit on for a few days your friend sounds like a dong I used to run cross-country in high school the thing about cross-country is that everyone both male and female wears tiny little booty shorts as part of their uniform right after a race one time I needed to take off my spikes so I could put my trainers on i sat down with reckless abandon and sat directly on an ant pile my tuchus did not appreciate it this story did not end how I expected it to I got a surprise finger shoved up my butthole while trying to take a crap I was taken to the affirmative not blood while puking while I had the flu I already felt like I was going to die from being so sick and feverish and dry heaving constantly the doc said he needed to check my stool for blood and told me to roll onto my side when the doctor asked if I was ready I said yes and tried to poke instead of taking a crap I got a finger shoved up my butt I thought they wanted me to crap in a couple something so they could do a visual inspection it turns out that they checked by putting on a glove and finger in your butthole and checking the gloves or blood first time I had to have a prostate exam I had dropped my pants and was leaning over the exam table I was nervous and told the doctor I had never had one before he said there's no time like the first time and rammed his finger up my butt while laughing apparently eating a whole box of Tomatoes turns your poop to pure acid I wasn't allowed to eat tomatoes for a few days after that one I told him my rules were to wear a condom and not put it in my butt he took the condom off and put it in my butt without warning or Lube he was instantly slapped and retreated to underestimated a spicy fart while at work I got paddled by the assistant principal in the sixth grade for skipping detention that crap hurt I had a welt four days in public school in the 70s corporal punishment was legal in just about every state they still did it when in my high school when I graduated in 2012 genital warts in the exits chute that I got from a one-night stand I had to have them surgically removed it was horrible vinegar would have been cheaper not me personally I was once a teenager happily gaming on my computer in the basement my mom was in the upstairs living room and my stepdad was doing some plaster in that same room suddenly I hear a loud bang followed by a cry of you ow our our get it out get it out oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh you H followed by some swearing by head upstairs to see what the heck is going on and I find a broken chair my mom curled up on the floor laughing and some painful moans from the second-floor bathroom my stepfather had climbed on a wooden chair to reach a higher part of the Worland in being a heavier guy the chair decided it would have none of that and one of its legs just snapped my stepdad fell and somehow impaled his butthole on one of the decorative poles at the top of the backrest that thing went in dry a solid five or six inches bringing his boxes all the way in for a sodomy wedgie double one oh my mom had to pull the boxes out of his butthole as he was dancing on his tippy toes around the living room from the pain he has yet to live this down TL DR my stepdad had his first gay experience with a chair he was catching million-to-one shot doc I used to mountain-bike a lot so I got hemorrhoids one time for weeks it was killing then one first when I was wearing shorts like a super excruciating pain for 10 seconds then nothing I also used an antibacterial wipe to clean up and by flick that hurt quite a bit raise your seat and adjusted back on the rails if you can I used to hold my crap a lot like I just hated taking a crap in public anyway this continued on into my adult life and one day at work I had been holding my crap for a very long time it seemed well terrible cramps broke me and I just gave in I'll spare you some details of the pushing and breathing but I basically passed her baseball sized and shaped turd there was much pain and a lot of bleeding after that I took a small amount of miralax daily in the morning and stopped fighting the urge to hold in my crap this is so bad I had the same problem when I was a kid but was pretty much forced to grow out of it because the doctor said that my intestines could tear and I could die if I don't poo when I need to now no matter where I am if I have to pull and there is a bathroom I'm going I was at work for all of two hours when a massive Lamarr Hoyt ruptured and started bleeding into my pants I rushed out of work but it wasn't shy about what happened all my co-workers we're asking me where I was going as I was leaving and I just shouted my butthole exploded I don't recommend exploded butthole sploded pillow noodle cyst background it was hurting to sit for a few days and I thought I had something wrong with my tailbone bent over in the mirror and there was a huge cysts in my butt crack against advice of going to the doctor I ended up popping it instead of draining it and it was a disgusting yellow red pass mix Satan would have cringed at the smell too but everything was fine after a few days I've had these cysts twice and they're so painful ended up in the emergency department both times luckily I haven't had one in about 20 years had a tequila bottle in my back pocket and fell on it I needed two stitches because I was so drunk that normal bandages weren't working not my exit shoot but I was feeling a pain on my backside kinda by my tailbone as days went on the pain grew worse and before long I could barely walk doctor thought I had pulled a muscle and prescribed some relaxes and that I should apply heat took my pill and almost immediately fell asleep I woke up and wasn't in the excruciating pain I had recently grown used to something didn't feel right though went to the bathroom to find blood purse in my boxers got a ride to the hospital to find out I had a pill on a ttle cyst so I am in the ER like four am laying facedown so a bunch of people can clean stitch up my butt one stroke ten I don't recommend the lana del cysts green curry with seafood in Thailand I've repressed most of those memories but there's a little yellow posted in my mind that says never again ten Yomi slid across an old park bench in front of Kmart probably excited about a new x-men action figure awesome crap and got an eight ish inch splinter that Pierce the top layer on one cheek and went into the other wasn't deep enough for a doctor visit but I remember mom pulling it out in the bathroom going oh my god oh my god Rick get the band-aids I had a similar experience probably eight years old or so sliding on the built-in patio bench was told they had multiple nurses holding me down when they pulled it out not sure why but I have a small blue dot there to this day one pound of sugar-free gummy bears in one sitting 12 whole hours almost non-stop projectile crapping I crapped my pants twice once from stretching and once from farting by the end my fesses was the same consistency as my urine I was squirting it out of but by hour three my butthole was so sensitive that I couldn't even use the extra sensitive newborn wet wipes which I had in the house I had to jump in the shower ABS gently sprinkle water on to my butthole to clean it after every Pope I couldn't sleep until 6 a.m. the next day because there were longer intervals between poops it took two weeks for my butthole to heal completely to make matters worse I'm gay I think you can imagine what that did to my private life my now husband couldn't stop laughing at me and still laughs when something reminds him of my stupidity TL DR the rumors are true don't eat sugar-free gummy bears I've read this online a hundred times but for some reason I still want to try it I was 17 and have gotten my wisdom teeth removed I was prescribed percocet for the pain I was pretty freaked up for about three days and finally I felt more like myself and not high as Frick 24 hours a day I was still taking the percocet but not as much an orphan but I realized that I had not pooped since the night before my surgery one thing about me is that my poop is like clockwork two times before noon one sometime in the afternoon and one in the evening I can easily go four five times a day I've always been like this I've never been constipated before or ever had any kind of troubles pooping but by day three my body felt like a brick I could feel that something was not right there was a disturbance in the force we went to Walmart and got milk of magnesium I took the suggested dose one two hours later nothing my anxiety was through the roof my body aching for that sweet mind-numbing relief I went and grabbed the bottle and took two big gulps that should do it my brother his friend my dad and I were all sitting in the couch watching a movie my mind was racing the whole time wondering when it was finally going to happen then it hit me it was like a 10 car accident on the freeway all so sudden and so saucy ugly I ran to the bathroom basically clutching my stomach and clenching my butt finally my cheeks hit the smooth cold seat of the toilet and that was it World War lll the shot heard around the world the second coming and Freight kit came and came and came I sat on that toilet for an hour and a half and the pain was indescribable I have never felt anything more uncomfortable and unnerving than that episode my poor butthole did nothing to deserve what it went through it hurt for a few days after that too but after everything the body how I felt was amazing everything was right in the world again the sweet sweet relief it was like the mechanics in brain was back on track I because of that I always joke with my gf and say that pooping keeps me sane because the unnerving feeling I had from not pooping for only three days was insane I've heard horror stories of people going 1 2 weeks without pooping and honestly idk how I would be able to go through that when my experience from just three days was six horrible my first fling in collage we were drunk he was big and didn't know what he was doing there was a surprising amount of blood in the shower the next day and I managed to pick up a scar that's kept eggs it shoot adventure from ever being comfortable again more than the normal amount of shower blood I went on a trip to NYC from Canada with friends a few years ago at 10 hours traveled by bus from our city we stood there for 5 days after the long travel I started to feel a cheese in my butt because I sat for too long in the bus haemorrhoids didn't care about it at all I've made the mistake to not bring a hemorrhoid cream with me though in NYC we used to eat at fast foods pizzeria sandwiches every day at every meal because restaurants were too expensive for us I'm not used to eating so much junk food within few days meanwhile the hemorrhoid stood there and became more bothering on the last day I felt sick cold fever so I told my friends I wanted to rest a bit they went outside for visiting Central Park at some point I needed to take a crap so I went to the bathroom and that's when my butt started to bleed like heck couldn't really do anything except putting toilet paper in my pant for the rest of the day until we got back home I've been to the clinic after that and the doc told me there was a small blood clot she said I can apply a special cream to see if it reserves by itself if it doesn't I'd need a surgery fortunately the cream solution worked and after a few days my butt was saved the conclusion sitting for too long and eating too much junk food is a pain in the butt TL DR went to NYC for a trip got him our IDEs no cream for healing it and got a painful blood clot in the butt I at some point in my childhood had broken a glass cap in my room I did not tell anyone because I was scared of getting in trouble and besides only the edges of glass cut not the flat top surfaces that you step on so I can deal with it if I'm careful and don't drag my feet it flash forward an hour or so and I'm bored in my room sitting on the floor glass forgotten about a toy I want to play with rests about 1.5 inches out of my reach I slide my butt over to play with it screams fountains of blood a very bumpy and painful drive to the hospital and sixteen sticks followed shortly after to this day I still have an approximately four inch scar on my left butt cheek sigh I had rode back doors with no Lube and then I bled a bit and then the bleeding triggered my Versova chol syncope and I pass out and he called an ambulance and since Salem does first response a fire truck also showed up and the firemen were laughing alpha asses off at the situation and then the ambulance guys made me wear a big bandage diaper just the freakin worst one I am frankly shocked at the lack of bad exits shoot stories - pretty sure yours is one of the worst that wasn't life-threatening ly nasty but she iikes that's still pretty bad I got really bad diarrhea at soccer practice and after taking a dump in the woods I wiped myself with some poison ivy leaves I have chronic constipation issues I've z and it's even worse when I am pregnant the worst thing to ever happen to my butt was that I had this monster clump of little rabbit poops that had fused together over weeks off trying to take stool softeners to get things to come out easier I was battling this poop for seriously about 20 minutes or so sweating hanging onto stuff pushing until I thought I was going to burst blood vessel in my face definitely gave me hemorrhoids as a result got this thing like partly out partly stuck my butthole is screaming my whole body is shaking at the uncomfortableness that was happening finally I had no choice I reach down there and stop digging the poop out with my fingers I car believe my life has come to this I'm getting chunks out then trying to push again getting a little more out having to dig a little more out finally this giant clog of a poop comes out my whole butthole is burning and bleeding this thing is like a baseball and girth hemorrhoids to this day don't ever mess with your butt guys if you are back up even a few days 2 or 3 start taking stool softeners and do a laxative before it's too late and believe me you are not too cool for an enema if you need it back in the fourth grade we just had a nice snowfall so my friends and I wanted to go sliding on the hill behind our neighborhood we were having a blast sliding and running back up it was my turn again so I went flying down I hit a bump and launched into the air a bit and landed pretty hard on my block without my sled onto a small tree stump fast forward about 10 minutes and all I wanted to do was sit down in the snow my friends were like dude come on why are you stopping I said my stomach hurt and I didn't feel well and I walked home when I got home mom came to the door and asked what was wrong I guess our looks a bit pale and sick at this point and she was a nurse so she could tell something was up I said I hit my blood sliding and my stomach felt weird she told me to drop my head roll so she could see my underwear was full of blood I had torn my bum piece on the tree stump a hospital trip 25 stitches and a sweet stuffed animal gorilla later and my butthole was on the mend if you are new to the channel you can subscribe I publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: Updoot Everything

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Rating: 4.89852 out of 5

Keywords: worst thing youve ever done, worst things, worst things that happened, worst, memories, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2019, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh

Id: y_ev8lJ_wXA

Length: 26min 25sec (1585 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 27 2020