What Is The Best Witty Comeback You've Ever Witnessed? (r/AskReddit)

what is the best witty comeback you've ever witnessed grandpa in my day kids were seen and not heard grandson so were the movies the future is now old man drunken customer angry about not being treated like a queen at the grocery store you don't flick with a 54 year old woman seafood counter Clark what's your daughter have to do with this that's what experts in human conflict call escalation back in 10th grade we had a long-term substitute physics teacher younger guy so the tough guys in class wanted to have a dog measuring contest with him like daily they constantly made fun of him and joked about his wife one day I didn't hear the start of it but one kid said something like how I bury my face in your wife's tea teacher had obviously had enough and said no the only D's you're ever going to see are your grades the class exploded nobody ever told on the teacher for saying that and the guys stopped messing with him sitting in a bar in a country well no 4-h a guy walks in and starts yelling at a girl B you gave me VD she looked at him and said no I didn't who bought it that guy got burned twice I miss my late uncle he was the wittiest mother I ever knew not a joke teller just had great one-line comebacks that were never mean just funny my favorite was when he went out to eat to a diner with my aunt his wife and my mom just the three of them the waitress said to him lucky you getting to eat with two ladies my uncle replied yes but can you hurry it up I have to get home to my wife my mom's dad had passed away a couple of days previously the night before the funeral a dark and stormy night the funeral home called up 9 p.m. to tell my mom she had forgotten a tie for the suit for tomorrow's showing she freaked out realizing she would have to drive over to the nursing home to fetch a time then drive to the funeral home dad who loved himself his clip-on ties and had many of them said oh don't go doing that trip on a night like tonight and let this time of night just grab one of my clip-on ties and take it with you in the morning my mom who actually hated that my dad had never - Toyota responded without missing a beat my father wouldn't be caught dead wearing a clip-on tie seconds after she realized what she had said she burst into tears savaged from beyond the grave wolf howls was talking to a friend about preferred sexual positions and he said I like being on the bottom because all I do is freak up anyways a classic self roast overly condescending boss looking over my work can I ask a stupid question to me on my last week at that job you seemed qualified sure I've seen you do it before I had a supervisor who was making fun of the guy's last name the guy took it and didn't really say anything when he was done the supervisor asked him to email him something and the guy wanted to clarify the spelling of the supervisors last name which was winter he said your name doesn't have a D in it right the supervisor said no so the guy said okay so just algebra Glen and walked away beautiful Jimmy Carr was at another comedians show and he started laughing if you've seen him you'll know how distracting that would be the guy onstage can't remember who it was brutally savaged him with Jimmy when I come to your shows I don't laugh at your jokes HHH HHH aaaa aaaa aaaa overheard first guy braggart and jerk I've got this great new job I've got over 100 guys under me second guy smart but what you're mowing lawns at a cemetery I was 13 in dance class with some older catty girls one of them was picking on me which ended with her remarking bite me I responded with I'm trying to cut fat from my diet entire dance team heard it and proceeded to chastise me for being so mean served her right the cow koe D comedian I remembered the first time I have sex girl in the audience yesterday audience laughing comedian I'm glad you remember audience screaming I remember some guy on reddit a couple of years ago in one of these types of threads talking about this encounter he had in a grocery store but he was behind this woman who was giving the cashier a bunch of crap over something she was being a real chump finally sick of her attitude he tells her to lighten up and stop holding up the line he's getting kind of pee that she's double-barreling this kid who's done nothing wrong so she whips around on him and says this is none of your damn business and he responds listen lady I'm a veterinarian bee are my business don't know if that story's true don't cur I thought it was amazing also effective I'm a gene ecologist CR my business guy in grad school was really into war history and building army models fighter jets aircraft carriers et Cie he was quiet and smart but handsome and part of the main proud athletic et Cie but very much a history war buff at a party for whatever reason he was in a kind of an argument beef with one of the hotter and more popular girls in class the greatest comeback I've ever heard was as follows girl whatever dan why don't you go play with your model planes guy immediately without missing a beat great idea I can land them on your flat chest the reaction from the crowd added insult to injury as people went bonkers like it was a walk-off homer and in a playoff baseball game never have I heard a better comeback real or scripted ever since during middle school math class one of the boys overweight was being made fun of by this petite girl you should put on a bra you need it you should take off your bra you don't need it the class went to who would one the guy got a few fist bumps she cried my grandfather died quite a bit before his time and my grandmother would get a lot of calls for him one telemarketing firm was particularly pushy and one day an unbelievably condescending salesperson called in demanded to speak to the man the house sold my grandmother who was normally restrained to a fault replied well as soon as he comes back from the dead I'll have him call you and slammed the phone they actually did stop calling after that a student told another he wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box he responded you're the sharpest because no one wants to work with you before you read on please know that my relationship with my 14 year old son is built on giving each other a hard time I said a bad word don't remember which or why you're horrible mother if I'm so horrible how did you turn out so awesome I spent a lot of time with dad recked son I can't wait to put you in a home me I should have drowned you in the bathtub he's 21 and in butthole Shakespeare's plays are full of them Ajax I shall cut out your tongue Thersites tis no matter I shall speak as much as thou afterwards Hamlet Oh Frick had a really YT teacher for my game design class the vice-principal hated him for whatever reason one day we were all studiously working with our headphones on programming away while our teacher was up front reading a book very available and approachable if we had any questions then the VP walks in the room VP mister teacher it has come to my attention that you have absolutely no control over this class this is unacceptable teacher gives him a fairly nonchalant stare coolly and calmly places his book down and claps his hands loudly three times which was his very effective way of getting our attention while listening to music mind you the following occurred without us knowing why the VP was there or what he had said teacher okay class listen up I have an exercise for you this will only take a few moments first and foremost everybody stand up we all stood up in near unison very quickly teacher good now I want all of you to leave the room and stand outside in the hallway and no matter what this guy says as he points his finger at VP do not come back in the room until I say so okay go we all exit the room a little intrigued by what was going on okay VP bring them back in the classroom we didn't budge to this day that is one of my favorite stories to tell when I was in high school this very large overweight kid who always picked on me waited till things got quiet in the classroom and said whoa milkis and eats dongs everyone laughed and I got embarrassed and nervous and a few seconds later after people finished laughing I started out yet while you eat everything I don't know where that came from but holy crap the entire room lost it ha ha Mayo this sounds like the goofiest genuine comeback in this thread amazing special ed student you're so dumb he makes me look like a genius I was the instructional aide and had to stop the other kid from trying to fight him but that burn was so sick it got a chuckle out of me it self-deprecating humor is the best kind one of my proudest moments I was 17 and a 12 or so year old kid came up to me a kid hey babe can I have your number me why do you need a babysitter oh I hope he was with a group of friends not exactly a comeback insult but once in biology class we were going over the NA and genetics we were talking about how traits can be inherited from parent to offspring flowers and how some could have all the same traits and some could have mixed traits the packet we used called the same traits flowers purebred and the other once is mixed then a girl in the class asked a question girl have we ever tried to make purebred humans teacher yeah some Germans in the 30s and 40s tried to girl really what happened teacher World War 2 followed by laughter from the rest of the class I remember reading the possibly apocryphal story of a student being told no excuse would be accepted for not taking a test that was the next day some student decided to be funny and said what about sheer sexual exhaustion to which the teacher quickly replied I guess you will have to write it with your other hand then I think that's originally from Bosch org maybe Churchill and some lady were having an argument lady if you were my husband said I would poison your coffee Churchill if you were my wife I'd drink it can't forget the most famous Churchill comeback I may be drunk but tomorrow I'll be sober and you'll still be ugly over her two guys in the restroom while at the urinals guy 1 tries to embarrass guy to guy 1 what's with that red ring on your dong you need to go get the checked out guy - it's just your mom's lipstick from when I saw her last night decent comeback but the real Bern is gonna come from whatever STD that guy has the class clown of my classmates let's call him k was known notoriously for Piaf teachers with crude obscene and insulting jokes well one day Kay decided to ask a 30 something year old teacher miss ever had a baby in which the teacher replied with a simple no but that's not where it ends K then said to the teacher with a face that only appears on the stupidest of people well I could give you one which caused a few sniggers in class the corners of the teachers mouth curled into a smile and with grace she walked to her desk and said no K I don't want to adopt you which caused the whole class to erupt into laughter and k shoot up for the rest of that year in English this is still one of the best comebacks I've ever heard so simple yet so powerful oh you might be able to get away with that in math class maybe in history but that kid had no chance against someone who had a far better grasp of the English language at a Chinese restaurant with my overweight friend waitress would you like any wonton soup chubby buddy look at me I'll take two tons of it dude had quick wit me and a buddy were at Gamestop just browsing and hanging out employee comes up to us and asks if we need help finding anything we told him we were just looking this was right after the Nintendo DS XL just came out and he starts trying to sell us on it I mean ever having been the handheld gamer told him I wasn't really interested he decided his ace in the hole would be touting the newer bigger 4-inch screen having enough I responded take it from me four inches isn't that impressive that was the end of his sales pitch if you're a guy this is a great self roast if your girl this is just a great roast in general one time I was at a coffee shop with my good friend and I saw a dime on the floor jokingly I gave it to him and said there you can buy yourself a life with this it kinda sounds funnier in my language and he quickly answered I'll just buy yours and give you back the change in high school there was a jerk who was a local star athlete and was pretty much the high-school cool athlete bully stereotype his attempts to pick on people were pretty lame but people always laughed at then because he was cool and you always laugh at what the cool kid says he liked to do the an 80 year old woman called she wants her upper back strength back type jokes he also wanted to go to Cornell on a wrestling scholarship not only didn't he get the scholarship he also didn't get accepted to Cornell one day when he was in the middle of one of his seven so-called routines I said hey Cornell called oh wait never mind no they didn't actually I didn't think of that until the next day and it's one of my life's greatest regrets the jerk store called you have been visited by the holy dojo LIKE this video and subscribe for a good luck I publish new videos every day until then check another video or don't either way have a great day you magnificent people [Music]

Channel: Updoot Studios

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Id: fx9msl1F5t0

Length: 14min 27sec (867 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 14 2019