>> THE FCC APPROVED A
CONTROVERSIAL PLAN TO REPEAL NET NEUTRALITY REGULATIONS.
THE MOVE WAS SPEARHEADED BY FCC CHAIRMAN PAI WHO I ASSUME TRUMP
PICKED BECAUSE HE LGD AT HIM ONE TIME AND THOUGHT, "I BET THIS
GUY DOES COMPUTERS." >> TWO GENERIC VERSIONS OF
VIAGRA ARE NOW AVAILABLE, PERFECT FOR WHEN THE MOMENT
STRIKES AND YOU WANT TO TELL THAT SPECIAL LADY, HEY, BABY,
I'M BROKE. >> IT WAS REPORTED THAT A
6-YEAR-OLD BOY WHO REVIEWS TOYS ON YOU TUBE MADE $11 MILLION
THIS YEAR. THAT'S RIGHT, SAID HIS PARENTS,
YOU MADE 50 WHOLE DOLLARS. >> ACCORDING TO A SURVEY, 40% OF
EMPLOYEES HAVE CALLED IN SICK OVER THE LAST YEAR WHEN THEY
WERE ACTUALLY HEALTHY. BUT I MAINTAIN THAT I ACTUALLY
DID HAVE THE FLU AND THE ONLY CURE WAS VACATION BRAIDS.
>>> CONSUMER WATCHDOG GROUPS ARE WARNING THAT DEVICES LIKE
AMAZON'S ECHO AND GOOGLE HOME MAY BE RECORDING PEOPLE ALL THE
TIME. WHICH EXPLAINS WHY ALL THE ADS
THAT POP UP ON MY COMPUTER ARE FOR GAS-X.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> THERE IS ONLY EIGHT DAYS
LEFT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. HERE WITH HIS HOLIDAY DATING
TIPS IS THE GUY WHO JUST BOUGHT A BOAT.
♪ IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE SEX-MAS ♪
HEY, HAPPY HOLE-IDAYS, SANTA CALLS.
SKIN TIGHT TO BE BACK. >> MY GOD, I THINK YOU'RE WORSE
THAN I REMEMBERED. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
>> NOT GREAT, COL. THE WORLD HAS GOTTEN ITS GRANNY
PANTIES IN A REAL TWIST SINCE LAST WE SPAKE.
GOT INTO SOME OF WAT AT THE OFFICE.
HAD TO GO INCOGNEET FOR A BEAT AT A LITTLE ADDICT FACIL OUT IN
THE 'BU. LOWKEY LITTLE SEX REHAB
SITUATION SAVED MY J-O-B. IT WAS HARD, BUT OVERALL PRETTY
TIGHT. AND I'M A CHANGED MAN.
>> THAT'S GREAT MAN, CONGRATS. >> THANK YOU.
NOW LET'S TALK GETTING -- ♪ FA LA LA LA LA
LA LA LA LAID ♪ >> OH, MY GOD.
THERE'S MY GUY. >> ALL RIGHT, I'VE GOT SOME TIPS
THAT COULD HELP EVEN SANTA SLAY. WHEN IT COMES TO BUYING GIFTS,
YOU CAN'T LOSE WITH BOOZE. GO FOR THAT SECOND SMALLEST
BOTTLE OF BAILS. MAYBE A NICE STOL OR RANG.
OR JUST BRING SOME VINO TO THE SCENEO.
PICK UP ANYTHING IN THAT SUB-20 BUCK RANGE THAT'LL GET
HER LIT UP LIKE THAT TREE IN ROCKEFELLY CENTRO.
I HAVE A SMALL, BAD WANG. NOW, LET'S TALK GIFTS OF GOLD
AND FRANKINCENSE THAT'LL HAVE HER COMING BACK FOR MYHR.
'TIS THE HOLIDAY FOR LINGERIE. AND, GENTS, DON'T HALF SHAFT IT
WITH SOME CUT-RATE SKIVVIES. OKAY?
HEAD STRAIGHT TO VICKY SEEKS, AND ASK FOR A RECOMMENDAISH.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT SIZE, JUST MAKE A GUESSTIMASH BASED ON
THE GOODIES THE SALES CHICK GOT PACKED FOR LUNCH.
MY JUNK BLOWS. >> I'M SORRY, THESE ARE AGAIN
CHRISTMAS DATING TIPS? THAT'S THE IDEA?
>> WEE, MONSIEUR. TO MAKE YOUR MISSES CLAWS -- UP
YOUR BACK -- YOU'VE GOTTA SET A WINTERY
SCENE. TAKE HER TO A TOP-NOTCH SKI REZ
AND GET YOUR SLOPE ON. THEN RETIRE TO THE SKI CHALET
WHERE SHE SHALL LAY IF YOU PLAY THINGS RIGHT.
REMEMBER, MISTLETOE LEADS TO CAMEL TOE.
MEDICALLY SPEAKING, MY MISSILE IS A TOE.
NOW LIGHT UP THE FIRE -- [ LAUGHTER ]
>> GEEZ. >> OH, NO.
>> HAPPY HOLE-DAYS INDEED. LIGHT UP A FIRE AND YULE LOG
HER QUICKER THAN YOU CAN SAY, "THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME."
BUT IT ALWAYS DOES. IT CAME UPON A MIDNIGHT CLEAR,
BUT SHE MOIST CERTAINLY DID NOT. NEITHER GROWER NOR SHOWER.
>> COME ON, MAN. THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS SHOW.
>> ROGER, DODGER. NOW LET'S TALK POST-COIT
PROTOCOLS. ONCE YOU'VE DONE THE DEED AND
SEWN THE SEED, YOU CAN RUN, RUN RUDOLPH.
MAKE LIKE SANTA CLAUS AND LEAVE HER PRESENCE.
BAD JINGLE, WORSE BELLS. >> DISGUSTING.
>> HEY MAN, DON'T MAKE ME DECK THE COLS.
NO, I'M JOST KIDDING. I ONLY PICK ON PEOPLE MY OWN
SIZE, WHICH IS JUST SHOCKINGLY SMALL.
MY PENIS, I MEAN. IT'S BATH -- IT'S BAD, AND IT'S
SMALL, AND THE THING IS, COLIN, NOBODY
LIKES, IT. IT'S A FELIZ NAVIDUD.
IN CONCLUSION, NO MATTER WHO YOU OPEN PRESENTS WITH ON X-X-X MAS,
THERE IS NO BETTER PLACE TO UNWRAP A BOX THAN ON THE STERN
OF THE UPTOWN GIRL. >> I'M SORRY, WHAT'S THE UPTOWN
GIRL? >> MY BOAT, COLIN!
>> OH, GOD. THE GUY WHO BOUGHT A BOAT,
EVERYONE. >> IT'S DOCKED AT MAR-A-LAGO!
>>> FOR WEEKEND
