>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP TWEETED THAT
BLACK UNEMPLOYMENT IS THE LOWEST IT HAS EVER BEEN.
BEFORE THE WAR I'M PRETTY SURE BLACK UNEMPLOYMENT WAS AT ZERO.
>>> AND THERE IS A SEARCH FOR AN URN FULL OF A REMATED REMAINS.
>> THIS WEEK MARKS CHRIS CHRISTIE'S LAST WEEK AS GOVERNOR
OF NEW JERSEY. >>> SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND A
SHARK THAT CAN EXTEND IT'S JAW. THEY SAY THAT THE SHARK IS
CLEANING UP ON GRINDR. >>> PRESIDENT TRUMP RECENTLY
CANCELED A TRIP TO LONDON BECAUSE OF THE RELATIONSHIP OF
PRESIDENT OBAMA WITH THE ROYAL FAMILY.
HERE TO COMMENT IS PRINCE WILLIAM AND PRINCE HARRY.
>> WHAT'S GOING ON, MICHAEL? >> GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING. >> YEAH.
IT'S AN HONOR TO MEET YOU, AND THANK YOU FOR COMING ALL THE WAY
FROM LONDON. >> MICHAEL, WE'D LIKE TO FIRST
APOLOGIZE. UNFORTUNATELY WILLIAM'S HAIR WAS
UNABLE TO MAKE IT THIS EVENING. >> HILARIOUS.
A BALD JOKE. WELL, BUZZ THE SIDES, ROCKING
THE BRUCE WILLIS LOOK BROKE THE INTERNET.
>> BRUCE WILLIS SHAVES IT ALL, MATE.
YOU LEFT THE SIDES. YOU LOOK LIKE BALD LARRY DAVID.
>> SPEAKING OF HAIR, HOW WAS THE QUIDDITCH MATCH, RON BEASLEY?
>> RON BEASLEY? WHO'S RON BEASLEY?
>> HE'S THE REDHEAD ONE. >> IT'S RON WEASLEY, MATE.
>> OH, WHO CARES? NOBODY KNOWS.
>> EVERYBODY KNOWS! >> OKAY, OKAY.
>> HARRY POTTER MAKES UP LIKE, HALF OF ENGLAND'S ECONOMY.
[ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER ] >> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
JUST SHUT UP ABOUT THE HAIR. >> WHAT HAIR?
BOOM. I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY, I MADE HIM MAD. MATE, I'M SORRY.
I LOVE YOU. >> I LOVE YOU MORE.
>> COME HERE. >> BANGERS, MASH, HELLO.
THAT'S OUR COOL SECRET HANDSHAKE.
>> OH, YEAH, I SAW IT. IT'S VERY COOL.
BEFORE YOU GIVE YOUR STATEMENT, I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU AGAIN
FOR COMING TO THE SHOW. >> OF COURSE, MICHAEL.
WE LOVE AMERICAN TELLY. MY BROTHER'S FIANCEE
MEGHAN MARKLE IS ON AN AMERICAN PROGRAM CALLED "SUITS."
>> WOO! >> WEDNESDAYS, 8:00 PM, USA
NETWORK. >> OKAY.
VERY DIFFERENT SHOW, THOUGH, IN THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY WATCH THIS
ONE. THIS ONE.
>> OH, HILARIOUS. RIGHT?
WHAT IS IT YOU'RE ALWAYS WATCHING?
KATE'S HANDBAG. HE GOES SHOPPING WITH KATE FOUR
TIMES A WEEK. SHE LIKES HATS.
>> KATE IS MY WIFE. >> I KNOW WHO KATE MIDDLETON IS.
>> SHE'S A WONDERFUL WOMAN, A GREAT MUM.
YEAH. WHENEVER THE KIDS ARE BEING A
BIT FUSSY AND NOT GOING TO BED, SHE PUTS ON AN EPISODE OF
"SUITS" AND THEY'RE OUT. HELLO!
>> DID YOU GIVE HIM A WET WILLWILLY?
>> YES, IN ENGLAND, IT'S A MOIST MATTHEW.
>> >> ALL RIGHT, I FEEL LIKE I
SHOULD REMIND EVERYONE WHY YOU'RE HERE, WHICH IS TO ADDRESS
THE RUMORS PRESIDENT TRUMP CANCELLED HIS UK TRIP BECAUSE OF
YOUR FAMILY'S RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OBAMAS.
>> RIGHT-O. OKAY.
AHEM. THE BUCKINGHAM PALACE DOES NOT
COMMENT ON POLITICAL MATTERS. THANK YOU AND GOODBYE.
>> PRINCE WILLIAM AND PRINCE HARRY, EVERYBODY.
>>> SPEAKING OF WHICH, THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT APPOINTED A
MINISTER OF LONELINESS TO DEAL WITH HEALTH PROBLEMS STEMMING
FROM SOCIAL ISOLATION. IT REPLACES THE CURRENT BRITISH
MINISTER OF LONELINESS, SAM SMITH.
COINCIDENTALLY MINISTER OF LONELINESS WAS ALSO MY NICKNAME
IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. >> I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A
LESBIAN IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. >>> A PENNSYLVANIA MAN WAS
ARRESTED FOR WALKING HIS DOG WITHOUT WEARING APANTS.
EVEN WORSE HE WAS WALKING HIM TO GET MORE PEANUT BUTTER.
>>> THIS WEEK SPECIAL COUNCIL ROBERT MUELLER MAY HAVE REACHED
A DEAL WITH STEVE BANNON IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS TESTIMONY IN
THE RUSSIAN INVESTIGATION. HERE TO COMMENT IS ROBERT
MUELLER. HERE IS COMMENT NOW IS ROBERT
MUELLER. >> HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M ROBERT MUELLER. >> I KNOW.
>> I WANTED TO COME OUT TO ENSURE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT
OUR INVESTIGATION IS PROGRESSING SMOOTHLY AND WE'RE LOOKING
FORWARD TO A TIMELY AND ORDERLY CONCLUSION.
>> THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.
CAN YOU GIVE US ANY SENSE OF HOW IT IS GOING?
>> YOU KNOW, I OBVIOUSLY CAN'T DISCUSS PARTICULARS OF AN
ONGOING INVESTIGATION, BUT -- YEAH, WE'RE GOOD.
>> REALLY? >> UH-HUH.
YEAH. I MEAN -- NO, NO.
JUST WAIT, YOU'LL SEE. >> BUT EVEN WITH LIKE ALL OF THE
TRUMP AND -- >> YEAH YEAH YEAH, WE'RE GOOD.
THE SITUATION IS UNDER CONTROL. COLIN, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, I
HAVE ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHS OF JARED KUSHNER -- OH, WOW!
I ALMOST SAID SOMETHING. THAT IS MY BAD.
I WANT TO TELL YOU SO BAD, BUT IT'S GOING TO BE FUN.
>> SO WAIT, HOLD ON, I TAKE IT YOU HAVE HARD EVIDENCE?
>> COLIN, I CANNOT COMMENT, BUT YEAH.
BIG TIME. YOU JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE
SHOW, BROTHER. I JUST -- CAN I TELL THEM
WHAT -- I WANT TO TELL THEM ONE THING.
OH, NO, I SHOULDN'T, I SHOULDN'T.
DON JR., HE LITERALLY WROTE IN HIS VENMO DESCRIPTION --
RUSSIA -- OH, MAN, I CAN'T. IT HURTS, OH, GOSH, OH,MAN --
>> WOW. I HAVE TO ASK, WHAT IF TRUMP
FIRES YOU FIRST? >> HE COULD, BUT IT'S A LITTLE
LATE FOR THAT. YEAH, CATS OUT OF THE BAG, AND
THE BAG IS FULL OF MICHAEL FLYNN'S WIRETAPS.
>> YOU PUT A WIRE ON FLYNN? >> I CANNOT CONFIRM OR DENY, BUT
IF YOU WERE TO ASK ME TO BANK THE DESK IF I DID.
>> BANG THE DESK IF IT IS REAL. IS THERE MORE THAN ONE.
>> IS THIS TREASON? >> WOW.
IT'S NUTS. COLIN YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THE
GUY DIDN'T LEAVE ME A TRAIL OF BREAD CRUMBS, HE LEFT ME FULL
LOAVES. FRESH SEVEN-GRAIN LOAVES FROM
PANERA BREAD. I'M HAVING A BLAST.
. >> CAN YOU GIVE US A SENSE OF
HOW IT ENDS? >> YOU KNOW HOW YOU LOVE THE
SHOW "LOST," BUT THERE WAS NO SATISFYING ENDING?
THIS IS AINT LOST >> For "Weekend Update," I'm
Colin Jost >> I'm Micael Che. Good night!
♪♪♪
