♪♪♪
>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
>> CONGRATULATIONS TO DONALD TRUMP WHO MANAGED TO KEEP
OUR GOVERNMENT OPEN FOR ALMOST ONE WHOLE YEAR.
THE GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT OVER
DISAGREEMENTS REGARDING IMMIGRATION.
PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS BLAMED MINORITY LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER
FOR THE SHUTDOWN BECAUSE TRUMP NEVER PASSES UP AN OPPORTUNITY
TO BLAME A MINORITY. AT THIS POINT, I HAVE TO ASK --
WHY IS SHUTTING DOWN OUR GOVERNMENT EVEN AN OPTION?
LIKE, AMERICA'S BEEN AROUND FOR 240 YEARS.
MAYBE IT'S TIME WE BUY OUR GOVERNMENT INSTEAD OF JUST
LEASING IT MONTH TO MONTH. I MEAN, THIS IS PEOPLE'S LIVES,
NOT A KIA SORENTO. EVEN PRODUCTION ON "HOUSE OF
CARDS" DIDN'T SHUT DOWN AFTER THE MAIN GUY TURNED OUT TO BE A
FULL PREDATOR. IF A FAKE GOVERNMENT CAN KEEP
GOING, SO CAN WE. ALSO, IN THAT FAKE GOVERNMENT,
THEY GOT RID OF THE SEXUAL PREDATOR PRESIDENT, AND GOT A
FEMALE PRESIDENT INSTEAD. SO JUST SOMETHING TO THINK
ABOUT. SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.
>> SO, IF THE GOVERNMENT SHUTS DOWN, DO WE STILL HAVE TO PAY
TAXES FOR THE WHOLE YEAR? DO WE GET PRO-RATED?
WHEN MY COMCAST SHUT DOWN, I GOT FREE HBO FOR A MONTH.
I FEEL LIKE THEY OWE US AN EAGLE OR APPLE PIE OR SOMETHING.
>>> THIS WEEK I WAS FINALLY ABLE TO GOOGLE STORMY DANIELS ON MY
WORK COMPUTER. IN AN INTERVIEW FROM 2011, PORN
STAR STORMY DANIELS SAID THAT WHILE SHE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH DONALD TRUMP, HE TOLD HER SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND SMART JUST
LIKE HIS DAUGHTER. WHICH IS SOMEHOW THE GROSSEST
THING A MAN HAS EVER SAID TO STORMY DANIELS.
ALTHOUGH, I JUST LOVE WATCHING MIKE PENCE DURING ALL OF THIS.
HE'S A BORN AGAIN EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN.
AT THIS POINT, PENCE WILL PROBABLY BE MORE COMFORTABLE AS
A JUDGE ON "RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE." >> THE WORTH PART WAS THAT IT
WAS SUCH A LAME STORY. I THOUGHT WE WOULD AT LEAST GET
FREAKY DETAILS OUT OF IT, DONALD TRUMP GRABS WOMEN BY THE VAGINA
AS HIS OPENER, SO HIS SEX MUST BE INSANE, RIGHT?
HE WAS SPANKED BY A MAGAZINE, AND HE IS AFRAID OF SHARKS.
OF COURSE HE IS, HE HAS THE BODY OF A SEAL.
>>> ON TUESDAY THE WHITE HOUSE DOCTOR HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE
WHERE HE READ THE RESULTS OF PRESIDENT TRUMP'S PHYSICAL.
AND WE HAVE SOME OF THE RESULTS RIGHT HERE.
EKG, NORMAL. BLOOD PRESSURE, NORMAL.
URINE, LOVES IT. THE DOCTOR SAID THAT PRESIDENT
TRUMP TOOK A COGNITIVE ASSESSMENT TEST AND DID
EXCEEDINGLY WELL. TF IT WASN'T LIKE AN IQ TEST, IT
WAS MORE LIKE ARE YOU OKAY? THE LAST PERSON TO FAIL THIS
TEST WAS LINCOLN AFTER THE PLAY. >> I FOR ONE AM HAPPY TO KNOW
THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS A NORMAL FUNCTIONING BRAIN.
BECAUSE IT WOULD SUCK TO FIND OUT THAT ALL THIS TIME I'VE BEEN
MAKING FUN OF A MENTALLY CHALLENGED DUDE.
IF HE WOULD HAVE FAILED THAT MENTAL EXAM, IT WOULD HAVE
CHANGED EVERYTHING. PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES
WOULD BE LIKE, "HEY, YOU'RE FROM AMERICA, WHERE THEY ELECTED THAT
CRAZY GUY. THAT'S AWESOME."
>> HUNDREDS OF MARCHES ARE PLANNED AROUND THE WORLD TODAY
TO PROTEST PRESIDENT TRUMP'S FIRST YEAR, SINGLE HANDEDLY
SAVING THE PINK YARN INDUSTRY. YOU KNOW, I SUPPORT THE WOMEN'S
MARCH, BUT THOSE HATS ARE QUITE HILARIOUS.
IF MARTIN LUTHER KING GAVE HIS SPEECH IN A BLACK PENIS HAT,
HE'D PROBABLY STILL BY ALIVE TODAY.
>> THE FIRST YEAR IN OFFICE TYPICALLY AGES A PRESIDENT, BUT
HERE IS TRUMP A YEAR AGO, AND HERE IS TRUMP NOW.
IT'S ACTUALLY NOT THAT BIG OF A DIFFERENCE.
NOW, LET'S SEE HOW IT'S AFFECTED THE NEWS ANCHORS WHO HAVE TO
REPORT ON TRUMP. HERE IS ANDERSON COOPER A YEAR
AGO, HERE IS ANDERSON NOW. THIS ALSO MARKED THE YEAR
ANNIVERSARY OF REPUBLICANS CONTROLLING ALL THREE BRANCHES
OF GOVERNMENT, SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK BACK AT WHAT THEY'VE
MANAGED TO ACCOMPLISH. ♪♪♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT THE TOUCH ♪ ♪♪♪
>> VERY -- INSPIRING.
>> YESTERDAY "INTOUCH WEEKLY" ANOWED AN INTERVIEW SHE HAD
ABOUT HER RELATIONSHIP WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP IN 2006.
HERE TO COMMENT NOW IS STORMY DANIELS.
>> HEY. LAISSEZ LES BONTEMPS ROULEZ,
COLIN. >> HI THERE, STORMY, HOW ARE
YOU? >> I'M WAY FINE, IT'S WHATEVER.
>> I'M ACTUALLY SURPRISED YOU'RE HERE TONIGHT.
BUT IT'S CRAZY, RIGHT? 'CAUSE NOW IT'S LIKE, I'M ALL
OTHER "HUFFINGTON POST" AND "DAILY BEAST."
I'M LIKE, A LIBERAL HERO. LIKE, THINGS ARE SO BAD RIGHT
NOW, THERE ARE JUST SO MANY WOMEN DESPERATELY TRYING TO
FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE EMPOWERED BY ME.
LIKE, THE BEST THEY CAN SAY IS THAT I'M A FEMALE DIRECTOR.
>> YOU ALSO DIRECT PORN? >> YEAH, COLIN.
BECAUSE UNLIKE YOUR INDUSTRY, WE ACTUALLY HAVE FEMALE DIRECTORS.
OOH, IMAGINE THAT. >> OKAY, OKAY.
I GET THAT I'M NOT WHAT THESE PEOPLE ENVISIONED THEIR HERO
WOULD LOOK LIKE, BUT GUESS WHAT, AMERICA?
I'M THE HERO YOU DESERVE RIGHT NOW.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? >> OKAY, OKAY.
TAKE FOR INSTANCE THE STEELE DOSSIER, RIGHT?
OKAY, WHEN THAT INFORMATION ABOUT RUSSIA WAS IMPORTANT
ENOUGH SOMEBODY WOUND UP DEAD, BUT ALL ANYBODY WANTED TO TALK
ABOUT WAS THE RUSSIAN HOOKERS, YOU GET A STORMY.
OKAY? I WAS HANGING OUT LATE AT NIGHT
WITH DONALD TRUMP AND BEN ROETHLISBERGER, AND THE ONE
I TRUSTED TO GET ME HOME SAFE WAS BEN ROETHLISBERGER.
AND THEN YOU GUYS WENT AND MADE THE OTHER GUY PRESIDENT.
SO YOU GET A STORMY, OKAY? AND LADIES, WHEN IT'S THE ONE
YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE WOMEN'S MARCH, AND Y'ALL ARE ARGUING
ABOUT WHO GETS TO SAY "ME, TOO" AND WHO DOESN'T?
WELL, YOU GET A STORMY. AND MY HASHTAG ISN'T #TIMESUP,
IT'S #ASSUP. >> OKAY.
OKAY, SO YOU JUST WANT TO TEACH PEOPLE A LESSON NOW?
>> NO, NO, I JUST AM THE LESSON. OKAY?
I JUST WANTED TO BE ON "CELEBRITY APPRENTICE."
BUT THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, AND I'M MAKING PEACE WITH THAT.
AND AMERICA, YOU NEED TO ACCEPT YOUR REALITY, TOO.
YOU WISH YOU WERE LIVING IN 1920s PARIS WITH BARACK OBAMA,
BUT YOU'RE IN 1990s ORLANDO WITH TRUMPY AND STORMY.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET. YOU GET A STORMY, YOU GET A
STORMY. I'M LIKE OPRAH, SHOULD I RUN FOR
PRESIDENT? I WOULD WIN.
