WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN
COLBERT. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
WE HAVE NOW HIT DAY 26 OF THE GOVERNMENT SHUD, AND VITAL
SERVICES ARE BEING THREATENED. FOR INSTANCE, I'VE RUN OUT OF
SHUTDOWN JOKES. (LAUGHTER)
WE MIGHT HAVE TO DIP INTO THE NATIONAL RESERVE AT THIS POINT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THINGS HAVE GOTTEN SO BAD THAT TODAY, SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
NANCY PELOSI SENT DONALD TRUMP A LETTER ASKING HIM TO "RESCHEDULE
THE STATE OF THE UNION." THAT'S REASONABLE. THAT'S A REASONABLE REQUEST. >> Jon: I THINK SO. >> Stephen: I MEAN, WHAT'S HE
GOING TO DO? "THE STATE OF OUR UNION IS THE
DEMOCRATS' FAULT." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SO WHY IS SHE DOING THIS? BECAUSE SHE CAN. HE'S THE PRESIDENT-- HE'S THE
PRESIDENT, BUT SHE'S THE SPEAKER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RULE IS-- RULE IS HE CAN ONLY GO THERE BY HER INVITATION. TRUMP ACTS LIKE THE BIG DOG, AND
SHE WON'T LET THE DOG IN HER HOUSE BECAUSE SHE KNOWS HE'S
GOING TO POOP EVERYWHERE, OKAY. OUT! OUT! NO, OUT! AH, GEEZ! OUT! PELOSI ALSO HAS SECURITY
CONCERNS, BECAUSE BOTH THE U.S. SECRET SERVICE AND THE
DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY HAVE NOT BEEN FUNDED FOR 26 DAYS
NOW, WITH CRITICAL DEPARTMENTS HAMSTRUNG BY FURLOUGHS. THINGS HAVE GOTTEN SO BAD THAT
NOW, WHEN YOU SEE THE SECRET SERVICE GUYS TALKING INTO THEIR
WRISTS, THEY'RE JUST TALKING INTO THEIR WRISTS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THEY'RE JUST-- "I MISS YOU, MICROPHONE. HELLO?"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> "WHAT?"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> NOW, POINTING OUT THAT UNTIL
WOODROW WILSON WAS PRESIDENT, PRESIDENTS DIDN'T GIVE THE STATE
OF THE UNION IN PERSON, PELOSI GAVE TRUMP THE OPTION TO DELIVER
IT IN WRITING. REALLY? IN WRITING? HAVE YOU SEEN HOW THIS GUY
SPELLS? <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
HE'S JUST GOING TO TWEET, "THE STAT OF OUR UNIOM IS DOT,
DOT, DOT, DOT, STRANG!" <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
STRANG! "SO STRANG! I'VE SAID THAT FOR YEARS." PELOSI KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING
HERE. ACCORDING TO ONE DEMOCRATIC
LAWMAKER, "KNOWING HOW DESPERATELY HE WANTS TO GIVE
THIS SPEECH, THIS IS JUST GOING TO DRIVE HIM CRAZY!"
YEAH, IT'S TRUE. NOTHING HURTS TRUMP MORE THAN
WHEN YOU DENY HIM A TV APPEARANCE. THEY ALREADY WON'T LET HIM HOST
THE OSCARS. NOW, JUST BECAUSE PELOSI WON'T
LET HIM IN THE HOUSE DOESN'T MEAN HE CAN'T GIVE A SPEECH ON
CAMERA. AS PELOSI EXPLAINED: >> HE CAN MAKE IT FROM THE OVAL
OFFICE, IF HE WANTS." >> Stephen: SHE'S BASICALLY
SUGGESTING THE STATE OF THE UNION BE A VLOG. <i> (AS TRUMP): </i>
"SUP HOMEDOGS, ZADDIES, AND TUBE-YOUBBERS, IT'S YOUR BOY
DONNIE T. IN THE BIG O. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK THE STATE
OF THE UNION IS IN THE COMMENTS. BE SURE TO "LIKE" AND SUBSCRIBE. WITCH HUNT! NOW, LET'S UNBOX THESE
MALLOMARS." NOW, WE HAVE ALREADY ANNOUNCED
THAT WE'RE DOING A LIVE SHOW THAT NIGHT-- LIVE-- LIVE! FOLLOWING THE STATE OF THE UNION
HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW." WHICH NOW WE'RE OFFICIALLY
RENAMING, "THE STEPHEN COLBERT AWKWARDLY FILLS TIME TALKING
ABOUT 'BIG BROTHER' SPECTACULAR." BUT TRUMP ISN'T EXACTLY ARTING
THE DEAL HERE BECAUSE YESTERDAY, IN AN EFFORT TO BYPASS NANCY
PELOSI AND NEGOTIATE WITH MEMBERS OF HER CAUCUS, TRUMP
INVITED MODERATE HOUSE DEMOCRATS TO JOIN HIM AT THE WHITE HOUSE
FOR LUNCH, AND... NONE OF THEM SHOWED UP. PARTLY-- NONE OF THEM SHOWED. NOT ONE. PARTLY OUT OF PARTY LOYALTY. MOSTLY BECAUSE THE MENU WAS
LEFTOVER HAMBERDERS. "SO MANY DELICIOUS HAMBERDERS." THE OUTLOOK FOR COMPROMISE IS SO
BLEAK THAT ONE "WASHINGTON POST" REPORTER SAID, "A COUPLE OF
SENIOR REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS TOLD ME THE ONLY WAY THIS BREAKS OPEN
IS IF T.S.A. EMPLOYEES STAY HOME AND AMERICANS GET FURIOUS ABOUT
THEIR FLIGHTS. THAT'S THE ONLY OUT, THEY SAY." IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE. THAT WOULD DO IT. THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE
REASONABLE, BUT IF WE HAVE TO SPEND THE NIGHT SLEEPING ON A
BENCH IN THE NEWARK AIRPORT, WE WILL GRAB A FLAG AND JOIN THE
REVOLUTION LIKE AN EXTRA IN "LES MIS." "STORM!"<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> "I SAY WE STORM THE CHILIES TOO
WE WANT OUR COUNTRY BACK, COUNTRY BACK, COUNTRY BACK. HAD<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> WITH THE SHUTDOWN CONTINUING,
THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION CALLED NEARLY 50,000 PEOPLE BACK TO
WORK, UNPAID. ( BOOING )
SO THE PRESIDENT IS GOING TO MAKE PEOPLE WORK WITHOUT PAY. HE ANNOUNCED IT IN HIS
UN-MANCIPATION PROCLAMATION. AND THESE ARE NOT PEOPLE YOU
WANT WORKING WHILE PISSED. THEIR JOBS INCLUDE DISBURSING
TAX REFUNDS, OVERSEEING FLIGHT SAFETY, AND INSPECTING THE
NATION'S FOOD SUPPLY. EVERYONE KNOWS FOOD IS ALWAYS SO
MUCH TASTIER WHEN YOU DON'T PAY THE COOKS. "ORDER UP! BURGER WITH MOUTH GRAVY!"
NOW-- IT HAPPENS. IT HAPPENS. >> Jon: DEFINITELY? >> Stephen: THIS IS SO UNFAIR
TO THESE FEDERAL WORKERS, THAT IN THEIR HONOR, I HAVE DESIGNED
A SPECIAL SHUD COFFEE MUG THAT SAYS, "DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME
UNTIL I'VE HAD MY PAYCHECK." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
CAN WE SELL THESE? WE SHOULD SELL THESE. GIVE THEM. WE SHOULD GIVE THESE THESE AWAY. WE'LL MAKE THESE. WE'LL MAKE THESE, LET'S MAKE
THEM. NOW, IF YOU'RE THINKING TO
YOURSELF, DON'T WORRY. TRUMP HAS A PLAN-- WRONG! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
ONE UNNAMED AIDE SAYS, "HE'S NOT A GUY WHO LIKES A PLAN. THERE'S AN ANIMOSITY TOWARDS
PLANNING." OTHER OFFICIALS SAY, "HE PREFERS
TO WING IT." SO, BASICALLY, THIS ENTIRE
ADMINISTRATION HAS BEEN IMPROV! "OKAY, I NEED THE SUGGESTION OF
A GROUP OF PEOPLE TO DEMONIZE, AN OCCUPATION TO BRING BACK
WITHOUT PAY, AND A GREAT COUNTRY TO DESTROY. I HEARD PROCTOLOGIST, CHIA PET,
ON THE MOON. THANK YOU."
