>> AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR "DEAL
OR NO DEAL." GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN WITH YOUR
HOST, HOWIE MANDELL! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SORRY ABOUT THAT. I'M SORRY.
IT'S ME, STEVE HARVEY. YOU KNOW?
HOWIE'S OUT SICK. HE'S A GERMOPHOBE.
YESTERDAY I WAS LIKE COME ON, HOWIE, SHAKE ONE PERSONS HAND,
AND HE SHOOK IT, TWO HOURS LATER EBOLA.
MY BAD, HOWIE. ALRIGHT NOW, OUR GOVERNMENT HAS
BEEN SHUT DOWN FOR LIKE A MONTH. I SPENT TWO HOURS YESTERDAY AT
TSA IN ATLANTA, AND THEY THOUGHT I WAS SMUGGLING EXTRA TEETH IN
MY MOUTH. LET'S BRING OUT THE GUY WHO SAID
HE WOULD OWN THE SHUT DOWN. HE'S THE PRESIDENT, AND WE'VE
BOTH GOT NECK TIES LONG ENOUGH THAT WOULD GET CAUGHT IN A
ROOMBA. PLEASE WELCOME DONALD TRUMP!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANKS STEVE.
TREMENDOUS TO BE HERE. JUST TREMENDOUS.
WOW, THAT WAS A LONG RUN. >> ALL RIGHT, NOW EARLIER TODAY
YOU WENT ON THE TV, AND YOU TOLD THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT YOU
WANT TO MAKE A DEAL. >> THAT'S RIGHT, STEVE.
>> ALL RIGHT, SO WE DECIDED TO DO THIS IN THE ONLY FORMAT THAT
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND, A TV GAME SHOW WITH WOMEN HOLDING BRIEF
CASES. ALRIGHT NOW IN YOUR BRIEF CASE
HERE, YOU'VE THE DEAL THAT CONGRESS OFFERED YOU IN
DECEMBER. >> AND I SAID NO DEAL.
[ RING ] >> YEAH.
NOBODY'S EXCITED ABOUT THAT PLAYER.
WHAT WAS YOUR COUNTEROFFER TODAY?
>> I WANT $5 BILLION FOR MY BIG BORDER WALL, AND IN EXCHANGE
I'LL EXTEND DACA, AND I'LL RELEASE THE KIDS FROM CAGES SO
THEY CAN BE, YOU KNOW, FREE-RANGE KIDS.
>> OKAY. WELL, LET'S SEE THE MEMBERS OF
CONGRESS WILLING TO OFFER YOU A NEW DEAL SO THIS NONSENSE CAN GO
AWAY. ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO SAY,
MR. PRESIDENT? >> FIVE.
>> YOU WANT TO OPEN BRIEF CASE NUMBER FIVE?
>> NO, I'M SAYING A LOT OF THESE WOMEN ARE FIVES.
ON THE DAY OF THE WOMEN'S MARCH. >> OKAY, THEN I CHOOSE CASE
NUMBER THREE. FANCY NANCY PALOSER.
I'M STILL WORKING ON THE NICKNAME.
>> WELL THAT'S A GREAT START PLAYER.
OKAY, SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, NANCY PELOSI.
NANCY, HOW ARE YOU FEELING TONIGHT?
>> ME? JUST NORMAL.
NOT LIKE DRUNK ON MY OWN POWER OR ANYTHING.
>> OKAY, WOW. NOW YOU REJECTED THE PRESIDENT'S
OFFER THIS AFTERNOON. WHICH IS A SHAME BECAUSE I HATE
SAYING NO TO YOU, MR. TRUMP. >> OKAY.
I'M SCARED. ALRIGHT, LET'S SEE WHAT'S IN THE
BRIEF CASE, NANCY. >> $1 BILLION, AND YOU SAY NANCY
IS MY MOMMY. >> OKAY, $1 BILLION FOR BORDER
SECURITY. THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
>> YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT 5 BILLION, AND I NEED $5 BILLION BECAUSE
THAT'S THE FIRST RANDOM NUMBER I SAID.
NO DEAL. >> OH, NO.
>> ARE YOU6 >> YOU ALMOST GAVE ME MY THIRD HEART ATTACK OF THE
DAY. >> I'M SORRY, MR. PRESIDENT.
IF THE GOVERNMENT'S SHUT DOWN YOU CAN'T DO THE STATE OF THE
UNION. IT'S FOR SECURITY REASONS, NOT
BECAUSE I'M VINDICTIVE OR ANYTHING.
>> I CAN'T DO THE STATE OF THE UNION, THEN GUESS WHAT.
YOU'RE NOT FLYING TO AFGHANISTAN.
>> OH, NO! I CAN'T GO ON MY VACATION TO A
WAR ZONE? WHAT WILL I DO?
>> YOU KNOW, THAT WAS LIKE WATHING TWO GRANDPARENTS
FIGHTING OVER THE THERMOSTAT. ALRIGHT NANCY, YOU HAD YOUR
CHANCE. DONNY, LET'S PICK ANOTHER ONE
PLEASE. >> I'LL TAKE THAT OLDER JEWISH
WOMAN ON CASE FOUR. >> OKAY, THAT'S CHUCK SCHUMER.
>> OH, THAT'S OKAY. YOU KNOW, I'M VERY HAPPY FOR ANY
ATTENTION. >> ALRIGHT CHUCK, WHAT IS YOUR
OFFER? >> MY OFFER IS, WHATEVER YOU
WANT. >> WE'RE NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE.
I'M NOT CAVING LIKE THAT. >> OH RIGHT, YEAH, PROJECTING
STRENGTH. OKAY, IN THAT CASE, I'M GOING TO
PUT ON MY FIERY RED CHEETAHS. AND MY OFFER IS $15, AND A
PASTRAMI ON RYE. >> OKAY, "DEAL OR NO DEAL,"
MR. PRESIDENT. AND REMEMBER, ANY TIME YOU
CHOOSE NO DEAL, A HALF A MILLION FEDERAL EMPLOYEES WORK ANOTHER
DAY WITHOUT GETTING PAID. >> COOL STORY BRO.
NO DEAL. >> WELL, SPEAKING OF GETTING
PAID, I NEED TO THANK OUR SPONSORS TONIGHT.
GREEN BEEF. SHOULDN'T BE GREEN, BUT AIN'T
NOBODY AT THE FDA THERE TO INSPECT IT.
AND ALSO, OLD LADY IN INNER TUBE WAY OUT IN THE OCEAN.
COAST GUARD WILL BE BACK SOON. HANG IN THERE BETH.
ALL RIGHT, PICK AGAIN PLAYER. >> I SURE WILL, PLAYER.
>> HEY, HEY, IT DON'T WORK BOTH WAYS.
I AIN'T KANYE. >> OKAY, I WILL GO WITH CASE
NINE, STEVE. >> OKAY, THAT'S PLAYBOY
MITCH McCONNELL. YOU CAN'T JUST DISAPPEAR IN THE
MIDDLE OF THIS. COME ON NOW.
POKE YOUR HEAD BACK OUT YOUR SHELL.
WE GOT A NICE LITTLE JUICY PIECE OF LETTUCE FOR YOU.
WELL, HE AIN'T GOING TO BE MUCH HELP MR. PRESIDENT.
BUT I HAVE TO ASK, WHO ARE YOU PLAYING FOR TONIGHT?
>> I'M PLAYING FOR A LITTLE CHARITY CALLED HABITAT FOR
HANNITY TO HELP SEAN HANNITY BUILD A SECOND BEACH HOUSE.
>> JUST PICK ANOTHER NUMBER. >> THAT'S NUMBER FIVE.
>> I SAID MAXINE IS A VERY LOW IQ PERSON.
>> I CAN NOW SUBPOENA YOUR TAX RETURNS WHENEVER I WANT.
>> A TRUE JENNIOUS AND BEAUTIFUL.
>> THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, MOTHER.
>> ALL RIGHT, WHY DON'T YOU CHOOSE AGAIN?
>> IS THAT CARDI B ON CASE EIGHT?
>> THAT'S ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ.
>> THAT'S OKAY. THEY ARE JUST TERRIFIED OF ME
BECAUSE I'M UNDER 100 AND I UNDERSTAND HOW TO USE INSTAGRAM.
MITCH McCONNELL IS ALREADY "BIRD BOX"ING.
>> CORY BOOKER? >> BOOKER 2020.
>> OH, MY GOD, NOT ANOTHER ONE. >> CONGRESSMAN STEVE KING FROM
IOWA. >> WHITES.
>> AT LEAST THE GUY IS CONSISTENT.
ALL RIGHT, WAIT A SECOND. THIS TIME IT IS CARDI B.
>> THIS AIN'T MY BUSINESS, BUT SH-MONEY.
>> THIS GOVERNMENT GOING TO BE SHUT DOWN FOR LIKE A YEAR.
LET'S TAKE A BREAK. >> I WANT TO OPEN THE CASE FROM
THE CLEMSON FOOTBALL PLAYER. THAT'S A CRAVE CASE FROM WHITE
CASTLE. >> WHAT?
YOU ARE ENDING THE SHUT DOWN FOR A HAMBERDER?
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS
ANYONE GOING ON THESE DIES AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
