Twilight explained by an idiot

welcome to twiglet where bella is narrating over a deer and moving from phoenix to a wet place for reasons to live with her father because her parents are divorced and stuff who parks on mud or his floorboards must be muddy as [ __ ] then chief navajo wheels comes over with team jacob and a gift to this truck all right and she gives a sick reaction oh my gosh acting yes she goes to high school over there and immediately greeted by this guy like hi i'm asian why i taste my three centimeter defeater no and she girly hits this ball into this guy's head and he's like hi i'm not asian you wanna taste my four centimeter defeater no hi i'm a dumb [ __ ] i clearly has a thing for this dumb [ __ ] oh insane couldn't tell then they go eat sand why does everybody want to bang bella and how is she okay with this isn't this like borderline sexual harassment maybe because she's new and they never get new people so that might be a reason but most importantly what the [ __ ] do you have a flag of north korea hung up there well you ran out of countries so you'll pick the one that hit you the most [ __ ] [ __ ] anyway while they were busy talking about dicks in walks the incest gang but not really because they're all adopted the gray area baby and the only one that isn't doing the [ __ ] bucket is edward probably because they ran out of attractive kids to adopt from orphanage next they get cameras for class or biology class i know i'm stupid and she sits right next to him but he can't take her smell and she'd be like damn did you use a skunk as a loofah your dumb hulk he can't stand her smell and gives her the rape eyes for uncomfortably long time like [Music] this shot's [ __ ] weird man anyway class ends and he's immediately out of there and over to switch classes at student affairs counseling no idea what it's actually called like this area where you switch to classes and stuff doesn't matter because it turns out he can't do that and bell shows up and he's just like [ __ ] this [ __ ] smelly [ __ ] then she leaves too why were you even there then cut i know what you saw where he went because he left so fast you're still packing up and [ __ ] so were you there to switch classes too was your anger of the situation really gonna deter you from doing what you came here to do what a dumb broad anyway she eats at a diner with her dad and it only took me 13 years to realize that this guy finding bald over here the same guy that dies in the boat later on he has spoilers sorry anywho she plans to confront shovelface the next day but he never shows only his family does also this door opens in this shot but the next one is closed again small thing i know but piss me off so screw you he then proceeds to not show up for a bunch of more days then we cut to a guy getting killed then we come back to school shovel face is finally there and he starts to chat with her and you know i really thought i'd re-watch this movie and realize that the claims of her not having any facial expressions are a bit too over exaggerated but no make a different [ __ ] face they continued talking into the hall and she asked him why his eyes changed color from the last time and he runs out a [ __ ] answer to say like fluorescence uh chlamydia then in the parking lot they go into their automobiles and the sexual harasser almost commits vehicular manslaughter on bella but it stops it and leaves she meets his payless [ __ ] dad in the hospital for a checkup and she's like edward stopped the car it was amazing came out of nowhere to save me yeah yeah i'm pretty sure it's going to kill that [ __ ] guy then she talks to edward who's also there like you were across the parking lot you're like super fast no not you stopped the van no i didn't yes you did no i didn't yes you did no i did not you stupid then he's like nobody's gonna believe you okay so here's the thing come on you [ __ ] went in with super speed but you stayed without super speed so she could see you and you didn't leave was super sweet either so everybody should have seen you but they're not your lucky [ __ ] movie convenience has them all blind to you at that point so [ __ ] you dude you were taught it also no one ever seems to question the weirdness of this incident but whatever let's keep going next they go on a field trip and bella keeps denying them it was asking her to problem successfully setting them up with other girls throughout the movie and i am going to make a steaming cup of compost tea don't drink it then don't put it in a mug and call it tea you bent idiot anyway edward's like we should not be friends but they're at the cafeteria he plays kp up he's with an apple he's like we should be friends [ __ ] you confusing just saying if you were smart you'd stay away from me like what if i'm not the hero what if i'm billy eyelash what the [ __ ] so she invites him to the beach with her friends he says no what is this flag i don't know someone please tell me at the beach don't [ __ ] ask a nerd to help her do herself up no no no no at the beach you don't [ __ ] ask the nerd to help her do [ __ ] at the beach the dumb [ __ ] asked the nerd to help produce i cannot say the word i cannot [ __ ] okay at the beach dumb [ __ ] as a nerd to do her up although she clearly did herself up just a second ago [ __ ] stupid a few quiet lads tribe come along with jacob and he tells her that edward's family the cullens is part of an enemy clan and they made a deal with the quiet lad's tribe to stay off the rez and this beach is part of the res i forgot what res is short for resurrection resolute residence risotto [ __ ] i'll remember it eventually anyway we now cut to finding baldwin him dying in a boat he gets killed by three vampires i budget thor will i am and [ __ ] from brave then later on the sun's out but the cullen zane so the ladies go to buy dresses for prom or yeah prom and bella tags along only to buy a book for research purposes then a bunch of pervs gang up on her only for ed to show up and scare them off using his rape eyes then he takes her back to the girls who were like oh my god where were you we're still worried but we got more hungry than white so oh my god it's edward why are they so surprised by his presence his car is right there and i'm pretty sure he couldn't hide behind anything on that side so it's a [ __ ] dog i'm not even so bill i'd go to eat some food while the [ __ ] leave that's what i'm gonna refer to them as from that one [ __ ] it they eat and she demands answers and he says quote he feels very protective of her end quote yeah not creepy at all bells green flags green flags are around [ __ ] he also tells her that he can read the minds of all the people in this room except for hers and that's annoying him a bit i guess and on the drive home she finds out that his skin is called f and they both see their father's vehicles at the police department very late so he turns left to go right and stop by and see what's up why is it so difficult to give [ __ ] simple directions right whatever doesn't matter turns out they found out about baldw's death they think it was an animal attack carlisle also thinks so too that is sad she gives daughter pepper spray and it's about time really they go home and she does montage fight research strength power speed daft punk and when she goes to school she sees ed and walks into the woods and he just knows to follow her no mind reading required we get the most cringey scenes of the movie with the weirdest camera angles she finally confirms he's a vampire then he takes her on a really fast piggyback ride where she does not get whiplash he goes into the sunlight like this is what i am this is the skin of the killer okay you can show yourself in the sun because you'll sparkle and people tell that you're a vampire okay cool but i'm sure there's some sort of cream for that dude like sunscreen maybe makeup even like that would work right anyway more cringy [ __ ] happens i could kill you you should stay away from me i trust you yeah you scent you know that stuff so now they're a [ __ ] couple lane and grass tap and ass and everybody can't believe that they're a thing okay and he tells her that carlile turned him into a vampire in 1918 because he was dying and his wife and it's really hard to stop sucking once you start because stick's too good man i mean tastes too good man but carlisle he made a sturdy stuff and he could stop sucking they also don't want to be monsters so they only feast on animal blood another thing is each one of them has different powers or abilities or strengths all right he's like super fast more faster than other people and can read minds and his sister can see the future or something like that i'm guessing he didn't dish out all this information in one go because their clothes changed it was raining and one bit then it changed back to the old clothes and no rain so he just cut this bits why did he just leave some stuff out why did he do the item was just pissing me off this [ __ ] movie man whatever he invites her to his house to meet his family we got weird new angry chad mom and dad that rhymed he takes her up to his room with no bed because he doesn't sleep and then they go climb in trees and out of all the lines he could have chose my guy robert unironically chose hold on tight spider monkey and now i know where i got her from so they jump across trees and her face stays the [ __ ] same some piano [ __ ] happens then we cut to police looking for the quotes animals but they find out they are not animals and the citizens of spikey utensil are concerned so dad is like chill [ __ ] and that night ed sneaks into bella's room interrupting her mom phone call they get down to schmeckson and she reaches for his dick and he's like oh my peepee he goes how did her dad not hear him smack into the wall like that it was pretty loud whatever i'm stronger than i thought back to schmeck's next day bella wants her dad to meet eduard and this is the best seat in the movie you know why because these two beer cans complete each other's logos best scene best in this gas movie hands down they mean he takes her to play some baseball with his family while a thunderstorm roars above which covers the sound of the thunderous claps of the baseball's booty cheeks while they play because they're very strong and [ __ ] and she's supposed to go umpire this game alright a few things on this though are these bats and baseball reinforced because if they have as if you can fight me off strength and this baseball equipment should be exploding on contact and how exactly is she supposed to umpire [ __ ] when they have super speed that her tiny mortal brain can barely comprehend or process you're ruining baseball twilight [ __ ] you whatever they play a bit and weird girl senses that bad bams are closing in on their location so bella had tried to leave but carlisle was like no it's too late why why [ __ ] it's not too late why is it too late if they ask why they left which they probably won't just say they left to get their pubes waxed in town or some [ __ ] like they could leave doesn't matter they try to hide her as best they can but her stench is too pungent and they all go into attack stance but the [ __ ] and ball trio decide to leave because they're outnumbered and while ballet try to leave themselves in a vehicle he tells her that thor is a tracker and he read his mind and he found out that he will never let this go will hunt her till death and he will never stop so they have to kill for by ripping her apartment and burning the pieces then they go to her home and she pretends to break up with him to fool her dead into believing she's so sad she's gonna drive back home right this second and to keep him away from her and save from thor she does him dirty and tells him the same thing her mom told him when she left him big oof emotional damn it but he isn't safe now is he cause technically speaking you being the offspring of both your parents all thor needs to get your super delicious blood is to get both your parents blood and make a cocktail out of them hence neither of them are safe that's how blood taste science works right yeah right no okay so the ruse works because thor used superhearing and could tell what happened bellad and some backup make it to his place where will i am is to bow out of this [ __ ] fight like bruh look i'm out [ __ ] these white people but take care budget or he hung good and [ __ ] i'm brave she's a [ __ ] peace out whiter people great so they come up with a plan new and weird will drive bella way to some [ __ ] place phoenix i think while another group of them break off to try and throw thor off the trail using bella's clothes and i guess another group tries to protect that but then weird girl goes full on that sore even gets visions of thor not being fooled by their trickery and she relays that message i think to the rest of them and she also sees a vision of a ballet studio and after that budget door somehow gets hold of bella's number and calls her with her mom's voice in the phone call he got her hostage and he tells her to come to her old ballet studio alone if she wants to have a birth cover stay alive so she's sneaky breaky's out of the hotel to do so she meets him and finds out that her mom's not there it was just a recording of her blowing ass at ballet and he used that to lure her here now he's gonna use that same camcorder to film them and make america's funniest home videos submission so she uses her secret weapon go go pepper spray but that is super ineffective against the super vampire though and he throws her around and breaks her leg but i don't know where edward comes out and tackles him so he got there first because he's much faster than the rest they fight a bit and he tries to get away with bella fails idiot you know he's just gonna attempt and succeed at stopping you so why you would never move a person with a broken bone man you'll just end up [ __ ] up nerves and [ __ ] permanently dumbass and now she has been thrown through a mirror and he has a chance to bite her splendid job you [ __ ] whatever they fight some more than the rest of the clones arrive to take it from there start a fire and dismember him throw him in there to kill him while carlisle tells ed that he has to suck the venom out of the wound to stop her from changing because she's currently orgasming her way into bloodsucker status and he's like you know i won't be able to stop so carla's like let's find the will to stop here's a thought why don't you do a doctor [ __ ] to my knowledge you've done at least twice before and succeeded thereby making you the prime candidate for this [ __ ] also how the gay choir vampire [ __ ] did they contain this fire how is this place not burning down and why are they still taunting in circles and vampire attack stance dudes and pieces in a pit of fire i'm pretty sure you have the upper hand here also why do you even have attack stance is it more optimal for biting or some what i don't care anymore bro let's just end this [ __ ] he starts sucking on her moves the venom and then some and next thing she knows she finds herself in a hospital having lost a lot of blood her mom's there and she has a story of falling down a flight of stairs through a window apparently that window also bit her i don't know how her mom and the hospital he's in believe the story but carla is a doctor maybe he pulled some strings called some people who covered some wounds fabricated some charts ethica whatever who cares she heals up a bit enough to go to prom with shovel face and wolf boy shows up before that to tell her that his dad told him to tell her to stay away from edwards and she's like damn i kinda don't care they do prom dance and [ __ ] and she asks him to turn her into a vampire and he hits her with a fade away psych like na while [ __ ] from bridge watches on from a window and that's it this movie gets 10 pieces of corn out of one massive turd [Music] you

Channel: High Boi

Views: 2,711,002

Keywords: twilight explained by an idiot, twilight explained, twilight recap, high boi, funny, lol, meme, twilight

Id: 0eJ6SKYMQus

Length: 12min 13sec (733 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 11 2022