Blade Runner 2049 explained by an idiot

welcome to cyberpunk 2077 welcome to blade runner 2049. first off we got text this one's going to make me read okay i'll break it down so there's a company called tyrell that made human replicants to serve humans but the replicants got pissed off and revolted against the humans and tyrell went bankrupt and the world went to [ __ ] in 2020 i really like how a handful movies predicted that everything go tits up for the world in 2020 a little while later some company called wallace company came over and bought tyrell of modest remains and made some newer models that actually obey humans and sent a new model scale older models that don't obey humans and call them blade runners okay the movie starts with an eyeshadow and california flying cart ryan gosling and he's a blade runner he rolls up on this old messed up form where drax lives forming [ __ ] bugs and drax goes into his house and sees ryan gosling there puts on these tiny ass glasses man his head is massive ryan's like i'm sorry had to be me see drax is one of the older models and mine is here to bust a cap in his ass but drac strunk krunk and he bangs the [ __ ] out and i'm not sexual he bangs himself through a wall they find it out of bed and ryan gets stabbed and scans his barcode in big head's eye then batista goes you know her models are all [ __ ] munchers you've never seen a miracle then ryan puts big boy down rips his eye out scans in his car and his boss has him to get back but he's like just a second sees his flower on this dead tree and gets his drone to scan him he finds a box underneath the ground and holds like i'll send a team over on a comeback [ __ ] and he flies back to the large jazz piece department where he gets his baseline test where someone goes have you ever been in an institution sells sales do they keep you in sales cells how hot is them a stone very very what's it like to hold a child in your arms interlinked interlinked do you have hemorrhoids hemorrhoids say my ass fat regardless three times my ass fat because i think this is the test to see his vitals and blood pressure to see if he's lying and still beating [ __ ] and he passes that test and makes his way over to his house and i should see that a hundred years later that b is still alive people call them names like skin job which is like the n word of this movie wait so does that mean that skinner is the hard r i'm just curious anyway he cleans up and super heals his wounds cause future technology and starts conversing with his girlfriend or something and for the longest time we can't see her which makes me think that she is some sort of computer program a robot thing and she turns out to be a hologram [ __ ] called it she also made by this wallace compound he got her this mini hologram thing that's made with a bunch more movie signs that will finally allow her to leave this house that she's [ __ ] bound to with him first place they go to is the roof and they try to have a touching moment in the rain while as touching as touching can be he can't physically interact with her the [ __ ] is made of [ __ ] photons but right in the middle of sexy time she freezes because his boss sends him a message and [ __ ] blocks him what a [ __ ] can a man kiss his hologram girlfriend in peace she me naked people rhymes at the left and it's forensic lab or something they got the box out of the ground and got some skeletal remains of a female and they think that drax killed her and buried her but actually turns out that she was pregnant and died in childbirth and they had to do an emergency c-section and their scars on her bones and [ __ ] and they keep zooming in on the scar with the super zoom infinite zoom csi lens that just keeps going then after a while of zooming they stop and mine's like let's zoom in somewhere and it goes down to the [ __ ] molecular level zoom or some [ __ ] and finds a replica model number and i thought model numbers are just on the eye or other specific parts of the body not just down to [ __ ] dna level like can you find the model number inside the scar does that mean it's everywhere you tell me if i zoom in hard enough on a replica's micro penis i'll find a barcode doesn't matter my dom's like pregnant replicant this is bad no one can know this and she doesn't erase all traces of this case even the child the miracle child has been born by a [ __ ] republican and he's like dang i never killed anything that was born of force like it has a soul don't worry you've been getting on fight without one performance your [ __ ] [ __ ] dumpster then we cut to casual product placement ryan flying around over some mongolian throats and goes over to what i think is wallace headquarters corporation on earth i can't tell because someone thought it was a good idea to put dark red on a dark background jeez take a [ __ ] design course for [ __ ] sake and what does the inside of this building look like [ __ ] [ __ ] clogged up urinal bro what the f whatever ryan gives this new nazi a sample of the dead republicans here to find info about her and the old tireless turns out she's p black which means p2020 and information that far back is thick milky i liked it and we use it nazi takes me to see if they have any information about her but not much and whilst is a replicant assistant love comes over to take him deeper into the belly of the beast that is data storage and they find an old recording of rachel the dead replicant getting interviewed by this officer dude called officer [ __ ] and ryan senses some flirtation playstation in the interview so he goes over to officer dick's old partner mexican kfc guy i'm very original with my naming as you can tell and ryan finds out the officer [ __ ] was a replicant and he is quote unquote retired which according to this movie can mean anything from [ __ ] dead to [ __ ] hiding then we come back to the wallace urinal building love walking around to meet mr wallace himself who's okay i'm i'm sorry this this is literally what the inside of the urinal looks like this is not water this is pee who designs this crap so she tells him that a new model is ready to be reviewed by him just like he asked and we find out who else is it's a very cryptic pedantic and blind jared elnett when a nude woman drops out of a sack of mucus and jared yucky ooey's around her a bit and wants to take a proper look at her so love connects his chip to his brain which allows him to see with these flying drones i guess wait he wasn't wearing that [ __ ] in the pee room he was in i got a blindfold can really memorize that surroundings and walk around normally but do you see those walkway steps he had isn't he even a little bit afraid of stepping in all that pissy as laying around whatever we got a close-up of ass and titties i'm the child while the stabs are naked [ __ ] and makes out with her while saying i cannot breed them so help me i've tried we need more replicants more than ever before millions so we can be trillions more i could storm eden and retake her what the [ __ ] does that mean i mean i get it dope he wants to breed more replicas not manufacture them he doesn't have the tech to build a fertile replicant okay but what the [ __ ] does arcane eden crap mean ambiguous [ __ ] doesn't matter so tyrell perfected procreation then the tech was lost to the ages and now wallace wants this miracle baby to dissect it and see what makes it take how to make [ __ ] babies losing replicants and sure okay cut to the bustling city center ryan looking at some pictures of a dead tree then this lady in black comes up and tells these hookers in front of the space age brothel to go find out what he knows and they go over there like oy fancy a toss job mate no thanks so they have a hologram worker then he goes over to batista's house to make more investigation and inside a malfunctioning fan he finds a box with a baby sock and a baby picture and at the tree he finds a bunch of numbers in the bottom of it which triggers a flashback memory and he freaks out and it's crazy to think that the cops who came up and sealed this place up didn't do any proper search at all to find these pictures in the [ __ ] piano or even look at this [ __ ] number at the bottom of the tree that wasn't even hidden with something like it's bit it's visible you can see all he did was swipe some [ __ ] gravel and he found out man the lapd blows at this forensic detective [ __ ] anyway he lights everything on fire to get rid of the evidence meanwhile love broke into the lapd to steal all the bones of rachel and kills this for instance bald idiot now you know what's even crazier that madame wunch police officer boss person this dude okay then immediately get rid of the bones as soon as she gave the order to erase all evidence of the [ __ ] what an absolute [ __ ] lloyd anyway she shows up at ryan's house like forensic dude's dead and the bones are gone we're [ __ ] rhyme we're [ __ ] and he shows her what he found but she's still inhabited and starts drinking and replicants had all these childhood memories put in their brain to make him more human [ __ ] and all these memories are fake and she asked him to share one of these memories with her although they're fake and he shares this memory with him running away from a group of [ __ ] ass bully boys trying to take away his wooden toy horse from him so he hides it in his old dark furnace and the kids find him and he has this [ __ ] kicked out of him why is he the only one with hair is it because he's the anime main character and he has to stand out don't matter small talk's over she finishes drinks and [ __ ] off ryan goes look through the dna data info whatever of kids born on 6 10. the number he found etching to the bottom of the tree and he turns his girlfriend on not sexually once again just a projective thingy and she knows about one horse story and turns out that the same number is etched into the bottom of the wooden horse and he's like [ __ ] put that or were you finna get me killed i know you were special that's just a goddamn coincidence now keep your trap shut and let me look at his [ __ ] dna and he finds a girl in a boy with the same dna which is apparently impossible and they were both at the same orphanage the girl died and the boy disappeared so they make their way over to the orphanage which is in san diego for more investigation and san diego right now is basically wally land full of trash and over there he immediately gets shot at sudo emp then crash lands damn a peugeot must have really stepped up the bail quality for the [ __ ] cancer survival landing like that anyway people show up and try to break into his car but he has ninja skills and fights them off and has standoff with them then they get orbital cannon by love [ __ ] playing gta 5 online sitting in her apartment shooting on people with her modern money [ __ ] pathetic anywho she does that to protect ryan so he can do his job and find the kid for them but the kid is almost 30 years old by now right how does she know that the kid did not stick around near the vicinity at least in san diego and become a shit-dwelling peasant like these guys and she's not just killed a miracle kid it doesn't matter ryan's good and he looks up like okay thanks i guess then goes over to the orphanage boys are bald girls got hair and they get their grubby little hands all over him and lead him to their caretaker this [ __ ] that got them doing child labor 24 7 what a [ __ ] [ __ ] ryan shows him his badge and he's like i'm not here to shut you down i'm just looking for a kid that came through here almost 30 years ago now dog i know nothing i think you do and he does it takes him to his office and on the way ryan recognizes the place that he was welcome to from his memory then they get to the office and this whole looks through the records to find out that records for that whole year have been ripped out of the book and he just like that wasn't me and he shuffles himself out of the room and runs just like leaves and lets him go yo snap out of it one of your main leads is just he just leave ryan shut up ryan busy you thinking and he goes down to look through that place to find a spot where he hit the horse from his memory and he finds the furnace and reaches inside all twitchy like and he finds a horse with a date on his feet like lol help me it's true i'm the particle son oh [ __ ] i'm so [ __ ] screwed that whole [ __ ] gabriella like i know you were special bored not made you're real boy now pinocchio and his name is k because officer number or officer code whatever is k-4269 whatever who cares some numbers everybody calls him k and she's like you need a real name now an important one like joe seriously joe ever heard of average joe regular joe no unimportant the name joe is name one important joke [ __ ] i forgot the president never mind he goes to dr anastaleen and she's a meme maker sorry memory maker i mean maybe she makes memes i don't [ __ ] know she's a memory maker and apparently she's the best in the business and she works sometimes as a contractor for wallace and she has a compromised immune system so she lives her life behind the glass like bubble boy and it's illegal to use real enemies and put them in replicants of brains and he's here to check if his memory is indeed real or not so she puts him in the chair and uses a movie science machine to look into his brain and look at his memory and she's like yes someone lived this and he's just like and he gets arrested and taken back to base to take the baseline test and he fails it with flying colors and madame one she's like what the [ __ ] you [ __ ] around the upgrade center and why the hell is your baseline so off so he tells her that he found a miracle child and killed her and maybe that's why he's so off so she's like i get it and she thanks him for her service and tells him that she's gonna give him 40 hours to get his head straight and come back for another baseline test if he fails that then he gets thrown to chumbucket after that he goes home to his hologram sex doll which has brought over a real sex doll for ryan aka joe aka k to have actual physical panky wanky time saying that she wants to be real for him so lighthooker stands on top of real hooker and syncs up her movements with her real poker movements and they start having sexy times with ryan and you know what not the weirdest point i've ever seen next morning titties real hooker puts a pill in his jacket and leaves i think that's tracker though and babe didn't see her do it because of jiren told ryan which is [ __ ] unbelievable because basically she's a home surveillance assistant but what's even more unbelievable is that the dude has like less than 24 hours left before she hits the fan for him alright and she's like i'm coming with you but you have to leave me from the home console so they don't get access to my memories and find out where you're going all that stuff about the horse and [ __ ] and just put me all on that hologram stick of yours honey i hate to break it to you but they probably already have backups if you haven't heard of cloud storage sugar tits they're probably already listing in on his life because you're partly designed as a tool for the government to spy on people's lives and the unbelievable part is the mere fact of her saying this does not immediately mobilize a squadron of wallace dudes to come over here and [ __ ] arrest this guy matter of fact i should have been here when ryan came back from the orphanage and she was so sure he was a miracle child only when he deletes her off the health system and breaks the antenna thingy that that weren't any reaction from love you for real right now you gotta be hanging on my pubes bro come on anyway [ __ ] love shows up at ryan's house but he gone and she goes over to madame once at the lapd like where is he i don't know ho and [ __ ] you for stealing our balls and fyi he burned the rest of the evidence and killed and disposed of the miracle child so she crushes the glass in her hand and goes you think we can't lie [ __ ] you know what i'll tell wallace you shot at me first so i have to kill you then do what you gotta do bro do what you gotta do holy [ __ ] my organs stabs her and checks madame's computer for ryan's location turns out he's in vegas i think i don't know maps i think they're tracking him because there's a track on his car if so he's a [ __ ] for using it yeah let's use the [ __ ] police vehicle to escape from the police that's smart and [ __ ] dumb ass [ __ ] anyway dudes in vegas because he took his horsey to i'm the captain now guy to find out where it came from because he can scan it and find our claim from him he's like damn cur this real wood you're original he also tells them that it came from a place that used to be very active and apparently there's only one place like that which is vegas because of a dirty bomb or something like that so vegas is very orange has massive concrete boobs can i show this hold on let me contact lee hey can i show massive concrete booze without censorship i don't [ __ ] know but who cares it's not like we're ever getting monetized anyway i'll take that as he is so boobs bees booby traps bars booze casino dog and han solo he wants cheese grumit and thinks that ryan is here to kill him because he's an old model but ryan's like i don't want to hurt you i just want to ask some questions [ __ ] and he shoots him ryan falls off this place and then drips a wire and explodes but doesn't die i get it he's a super soldier replica dude but [ __ ] blew up and got shot by one of the same weapons he used to kill drax with what the [ __ ] anyway they end up in this hologram theater show and ryan his arms hand solo unless and get a few good licks in to prove to him that he comes in peace so hong gets convinced and invites him up for a drink unless his dog drink whiskey wait a [ __ ] second doesn't alcohol kill dogs are you [ __ ] insane harrison whatever dog lives somehow and turns out that han is officer [ __ ] the guy that pumped his seat into rachel and made the miracle baby and he left it to keep it safe because he didn't want to get dismembered and [ __ ] and ryan's like [ __ ] you dad not really he doesn't say that he actually hangs out of it but then a squadron of wallace dudes close in on their location and blows up dick his old car and kidnaps him on love puts to her on wine and we see two classic examples of dumb [ __ ] syndrome first hollow girlfriend comes out her [ __ ] usb stick to stop love and say like no don't hurt him but love the source of usb stick killing her forever what's the plan here gabriella are you gonna [ __ ] persuade her to stop with your words no she [ __ ] killed you okay forever you're gone and now joe's depresso and second love leaves ryan no double tap to make sure he's dead [ __ ] you know replicants are bit like t at hundreds [ __ ] just ran through a [ __ ] granite wall that's a surefire way to get him to whoop your ass later on the movie if you ask me and guess what real life hooker finds him because of the gps plus you put in his pocket he's still alive they take him back to their lair and patch him up a bit bleeding black comes along a bunch of exposition gets dropped basically they believe that if republicans can have babies and they're not slaves and she's the woman in the picture and she popped right out so they couldn't identify that easily they're also building an army for a revolution that the baby will lead i hope they mean the spiritual leader like cap is everyday not tactical leader or like strategically or anything because that'd be a terrible idea and she says he led wallace to they couldn't get let they could lead him to her because she's the one leading the revolution or whatever and her plan is gonna get [ __ ] so he has to kill dick and she goes don't worry they could only want his baby to be safe and she is wait she what you thought it was you you sad sack of worthless [ __ ] no you're nothing you're a useless piece of micro [ __ ] this existential cluster [ __ ] you dumb [ __ ] he's not the miracle baby actually is dr anna the meme maker nice twist makes sense too boy with hair and orphanage is actually girl with hair and orphanage and the boy with same dna is actually a decoys and she gave him the [ __ ] memory cut the [ __ ] at the wallace toilet and wallace wants to know where the baby is but the kid legit has no influence so he brings out a clone of rachel with a pretty [ __ ] hairdo and hopes that it'll help persuade him to cooperate with him but [ __ ] stares at her that ass goes her eyes were green jared could even clone the [ __ ] properly what a loser wait if he closed her eyes she still can't give birth then how is finding the baby gonna help does the kid come with a windows activation key or something no matter what we like after we have everything we need to make you talk i think off world means off the grid or something not too sure though then we cut to ryan talking to some petite hologram pitted porn ad hey what about hologram titties are the nipples a different color from the booth let me check yep then they get censored really yeah who came up with these rules man i don't [ __ ] know dude love is currently transporting ticket off world for some cotton ball torture but ryan shows up and shoots down these two escort cars and makes them crash slide into the shore of this damn or whatever ryan in love trade a few shots and twitter a few blows in hand-to-hand combat then she stabs him and gives him a smooch trust me not the weirdest born in this guy's head am i right ah okay i can see you're busy she's like i'm the best one dives it to save decade because the car is going into the water and he's drowning then ryan shows up again puts her in the chokehold for the ages and she's never gonna learn how to double tap [ __ ] put her down ryan put that thought down she drowned so we got the shot of her through the water although the water is nowhere near still enough for us to get the shot ryan saves [ __ ] and he goes like technically speaking officially speaking biologically speaking all the speakings you died out there okay okay great now let's go see the daughter takes him over to her lab gives him the horsey and tells him to [ __ ] off guy sits down fiddle out the [ __ ] and the movie ends with [ __ ] meeting his art this movie gets 69 bugs out of 70 glitches [Music] you

Channel: High Boi

Views: 3,543,331

Keywords: blade runner 2049, blade runner 2049 recap, blade runner 2049 explained, everything wrong with blade runner 2049, cinemasins, movie, movie recap, review, funny, haha, lol

Id: 02N87vLULTM

Length: 14min 41sec (881 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 09 2021