The Martian explained by an idiot

welcome to the martian where mars people are doing nasa stuff on mars and one of those people is matt damon and he having some banter with his teammates then danger approaches in the form of the storm that is bigger than they anticipated and will [ __ ] up their whole [ __ ] so it's going to cut their stay on mars short match like let's stay and see if we can win it out but murph who's the commander of this team goes [ __ ] you you made my dad choose the wrong planet and we're getting off this one [ __ ] you and they make their way to the rocket ship which is called a mav which stands for matt's ass voluptuous so it does not stand for mars ascent vehicle so they're on their way to that and matt gets launched into oblivion by a communication antenna thingy and therefore sleep without him sad boy hours crew feel bad nasa mix statement but why didn't they go to the map earlier i mean martinez went there because he was the map guy he flying dude right he set the mav up and they probably stayed behind to close up shot but why murph made it out to look like a very abandoned ship leave everything behind cause we're gonna die situation why not go with juan huh wanna go with juan right away don't sit there and tell me you got nasa procedures [ __ ] that you gotta die gotta go now [Music] anyway that don't matter because matt ain't dead he wakes up on mars with a low oxygen level and some [ __ ] stuck in his body and the blood dirt sealed up the hole and did not allow you know air to leak out that much he goes back to mars house which is called a hab and stands for heinous anus venus so he in there and he tends to his wounds and does a vlog talks about how he's trapped up mars food that's gonna run out and no way to contact nasa because the antenna thingy broke and hit him and he realizes that his situation is [ __ ] but then he has a brilliant idea in the place where all brilliant ideas are made you see he's going to use his own [ __ ] and his teammate [ __ ] as fertilizer to plant potatoes so he collects the booze that they took and packaged very neatly and might i just say what perfectly shaped turds these astronauts took like imagine if one of them had diarrhea i guarantee the package would not look like that anyway he collects some dirt too and mixes up the poo and plants the potatoes then gets a bunch of unused hydrazine which i think is rocket fuel and uses the power of science chemistry and jesus to blow himself up and then he puts some stuff on and successfully makes water to create a misty room for his potato farm so they can be watered and grown [ __ ] and a little while later what do you know life on mars meanwhile back at earth nasa mourns matt's death then guy from dumb and dumber aka teddy roosevelt aka not teddy roosevelt aka josh teddy who directs nasa and vincent vega who directs mars missions have a nasa squabble and blondie mcgothais checks some coordinates on mars and sees that [ __ ] has changed oh my god i just understood the scene he's the morris director mars mission director and he wants more satellite time he agreed and he's under this coordinates right right and she looked at them and that's how they found out that matt's still alive [ __ ] only took me five years to realize this i'm such a [ __ ] [ __ ] so blondie calls up teddy vincent and blondie number two who works in media so who cares and they conclude that matt is still alive but they won't tell his crew because they're dicks but they do tell the world that matt's still alive while disco music slowly drives him insane but he starts thinking about the long game you see he knows that nasa will send another mission to mars after four years and he's gonna need to be at that landing site 3200 kilometers away so he begins testing the range of his crappy rover to make game plans and to stay warm at night he digs up basically a radioactive bomb they used for space stuff which he was not supposed to dig up and he puts it in the car with him i mean rover but [ __ ] it's a car okay it's a car for mars who cares so he puts it in the car and the radioactive decayingness of the radioactive thingy makes heat and he is no longer cold and fair enough he no longer has to resort to firstly masturbating through tonight to keep warm but he's definitely gonna have like a third testicle at the end of this right never mind back on earth ted bundy tells ohana means family the rocket science guy to build a rocket to resupply man in three months instead of nine months and he's like impossible shut up i'll give you money okay then let's start who's the director of the spacecraft that the crew is returning on is like we have to tell the proof now i am boss man we wait three months until hawaii finishes the rocket then we tell him we'll do our best mark dies if you don't yeah all right [ __ ] relax no pressure geez back at mars matt really needs to find a way to talk to nessa so he has an idea and goes on an adventure with his rover while vince who's watching him back at earth be like the [ __ ] i need a map so he draws on a cafeteria picture and goes okay i know where he's going so you're nasa with like 14 or so satellites around mars and the best map you could find of it was a cafeteria picture for god's sake you're looking right at one just zoom in your dumb hoe matt makes it to this old 97 nasa probe called pathfinder and vince goes to the jpl lab in california and jpl stands for juggling poop liquors of course meets up with ohana means family sets up a pathfinder replica so that the one and mars replicates the movements of the one on earth and [ __ ] and you know the camera sees what it sees on mars and stuff like that okay while they do that matt hooks up his pathfinder to a power supply does nasa still use the same plugs they use in 97 for power supplies i'm not a nasa dude so i don't know i'm just saying it's mighty [ __ ] convenient whatever they said shut up and matt sends a message to earth and this [ __ ] goes 32 minute round trip communications only yes or no questions what a snappy conversation this is gonna be shut the [ __ ] up and point the camera yes you [ __ ] nerd so [ __ ] points it and move message received matt makes a circular setup to talk to them in ascii code which is super nurtured so no not just yet so no questions [ __ ] get alpha [ __ ] then they help him connect the rover to the pathfinder so they can talk better and they leave him on red for a long ass time like seriously it takes 30 minutes between messengers how long did they have to wait before sending this are you receiving message anyway he finds out that they didn't tell his crew that he is alive he'd be like what the [ __ ] and they'd be like watch your lang which is being streamed live all over the globe he'll be like oh yeah then he sends a really long message and feel free to chime in on what you think this message was but here are my guesses either a really long book or a really long penis so that tells the crew and they are devastated that they left him behind feels bad so sad rate zero out of eight mate no debate cannot contemplate uh ejaculate then maybe having fun finding out that him planting [ __ ] on mars means that he colonizes mars and nasa asks him to pose for a picture so he gives them the funds hey what is he doing i asked for a photo and what he's the fonz i can't use this vincent why not you [ __ ] killjoy lame [ __ ] i need a picture of his face what do you mean you can see it right [ __ ] there bruh this [ __ ] whatever because one day the room that pressurizes the have gets cut and blows the hab up the room flies away and mark cracks his visor thingy and duct tapes it so he doesn't die and goes into the hab to find that half of his food supply has been ruined and spent the rest of the night in the rover i assume he got the nuclear heater inside with him but anyway now the jpl team has only half the time to make a resupply probe and center over there so they have to work doubly his heart down then nasa allows matt to talk to screw for all of five minutes wow how generous nasa then he uses a plastic tarp and the power of duct tape to seal the hat pressurizes it and fixes it which is a very sketchy solution to say the least but what's he gonna do and i know your situation is dire dude and that's all you got but considering there's a storm going on outside right now in this scene with rocks flying around that can cut straight through that plastic which is literally the only thing standing between you and imploding you should really consider putting on a [ __ ] spacesuit dude just to be safe you know but anyway back on earth charlotte's gambino has an idea he's gonna be important later just know that charlotte's gaming win this movie and he has a brilliant idea cut to nasa dudes who are 15 days behind schedule on the probe so to speak it along they go and cancel the preflight checks which works and they make the probe it launches just fine but then blows up mid-flight because as vibrations happened and that would have shown up if they did any pre-flight checks but they didn't so poopy-doo-doo moment matt talks some more to his crew and some chinese people go ching chong wen wrong tai ling wang kai teng tong bong ting tong which roughly translates to we have rocket we can herp and china will raku so they offered to help and ted be like yes and hawaii gets to work making a probe in 28 days this time with his team meanwhile dola glover does some big math goes over to nasa you see he's an aerodynamic space engineer person in a meeting where he does not know who titties he proposes that the crew aboard the kermit spacecraft starts accelerating towards earth and slingshots around it using its gravity while they shoot a care package up into space and they catch it while they're sting shutting around and they make their way to mars at super speed and once they get there matt is going to use the mav that they're going to want to use for the next mars mission to launch up there and meet them in space slingshot around mars make their way back home and that is going to be much faster than just sending him supplies so we can you know spend much more time on mars and wait for another man mission over the black here's the thing they can only do one of those because they only have one china rocket so they can a have a high chance of killing one astronaut or b have a low chance of killing success and ned thinks this decision should be left up to the crew but teddy's like nope i'm the boss man and i go with option a so mr stark calls him a coward and by the way donald stole today's pen because that is not the one he took from him but the one that vincent clicked off the bitch's head so yeah i don't know why i mentioned that moving on stark sends a secret message about plan b to the crew of or the kermit why am i speaking like this so murph martinez [ __ ] boy all german and i actually know her name her name is johansen but i'ma call her hot nerd because i tap that and also tap murph why are all female astronauts so hot anyway they all come to the decision that they are going to go back for matt and defy nasa's decision to go with plan a and hot nerd says some tech [ __ ] which basically translates to don't worry about nasa trying to do remote override on our trajectory or whatever because i can disable it and they start readjusting their course to a course that's gonna add 500 more days of space travel to their mission and back at nasa mission control be like what the [ __ ] is going on why are they of course and why can't i do anything about it and where's my [ __ ] latte oh my god then teddy has a meeting with ned like so the kermit changed course basically forcing our hand to do plan b you know anything about that there must always be a stark at winterfell what uh nothing yeah i don't think about that yeah yeah sure i expect your resignation after this okay understandable have a great day so my updates is vlog modifies rover for the journey gives it a giant tumor and china sends the probe up to the kermit i notice a romantic connection between [ __ ] point the hot nerd my dreams are shattered and does this mean that they're gonna do the [ __ ] [ __ ] space i bet it does they get the problem make the way to mars and seven months later we see matt damon's ass cheeks and he proclaims himself to be a space pirate and embarks on the long ass journey to the map by the way matt's a very witty person in this movie and he's gonna go on a profound speech about how he's the first to do everything on this planet wherever he goes so i cannot believe that he missed out on the opportunity of taking a mars bar to mars and being the first person to eat a mars bar on mars totally miss opportunity dude anyway he drives around stops to recharge drives around stops and retards rinse and repeat enterprise repeat then when he gets at the map they tell him that in order for the maf to get high enough to get picked up by the kermit he has to make it drastically later basically has to take off everything take off the windows the nose the seats the control panels just leave one seat in there for him to get launched into [ __ ] space to probably die but they say that is not a problem because martha's atmosphere is pretty [ __ ] thin and also they're gonna put a tarp over it and it's gonna be controlled by crazy mexicans so and that's like god damn [ __ ] [ __ ] but he has no choice so he does that and zero hour comes he gets in the space suit and why is he so beat up has he been fighting bears on this planet or something doesn't matter martinez launches his math and after dealing with some in-flight issues they get the trajectory right but they'll be moving too fast in comparison to him to catch him so he'd be like i can poke a hole in my suit and fly over to you like iron man no no no no no we gonna blow a hole in the ship what all german goes inside and makes a bomb with the power of chemistry and [ __ ] boy does some parkour on the outside of the ship without a tether [ __ ] huge balls man and oh they are a thing they should have spacex focus focus okay they place the bomb and lock themselves in a safe part of the ship and blow the bomb and all the air rushes out slowing the thing down so now they have matched their speed with matt except i don't know how they're gonna get all the air back i'm sure nasa has some sort of air canister thingy for them to get the air back anyway the speed issue is solved but now another issue has arisen they are going to be too far away from matt so murph gets in a suit and goes for matt with a tether thank god but another problem that tether is too short so matt's like [ __ ] it i'm going iron man and cuts a hole in his suit flies over like an unstable ballerina she gets the hold of him the crowd goes wild he gets inside and they call him a stanky [ __ ] because incorrect as i recall last time you were at the hab you had one granted it wasn't a good one because you probably showered in your own recycled urine but still haven't had a proper shower in a year and a half would be more correct so [ __ ] you man anyway cut to matt on earth he given smart guy nasa lectures now martinez does another mission murphruns [ __ ] boy and hot nerd have a baby wait how long after getting back to earth is this i know it's pretty hard to conceive a baby in space but don't you dare take the possibility of spacex away from me movie this movie gets 87 bags boonies out of 6.9 daffy dukes you

Channel: High Boi

Views: 3,380,908

Keywords: the martian, everything wrong with the martian, the martian recap, the martian review, movie recap, movie, recap, spoilers, funny, haha, lol

Id: tXSIfAB4S3c

Length: 12min 0sec (720 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 15 2020