Django Unchained explained by an idiot

welcome to dj angle unchained and we start off in the wild wild west where two [ __ ] are transporting some black slaves through the texas desert when night falls and they meet mr dr king shoots a german dentist who's looking for some certain person they're transporting which is django he starts talking to him but the two fuckwads are pissed that he's talking to him like a normal human being so they tell him that none of the fine african-american young gentlemen here are for sale and to piss off so schultz kills this [ __ ] and [ __ ] this guy's horse up and unchange django that's it the end movie's over and jango is unchained yeah just keep moving shultz throws a bunch of money into [ __ ] head's face buying jango frees these peeps and rides off with dj angle next day rolls around they run into some [ __ ] town everybody be looking at the weird dr schultz asks django why are they looking at them weird and django goes they never seen a nice man with different colored penguins and skin on a horse before they go into a bar bar guy runs out getting the sheriff because there's a black man in his bar meanwhile schultz explains to django over a drink how he's no longer a dentist but a bounty hunter and that he wants his help killing three dudes called the britain brothers or brittle brothers i don't know who the [ __ ] here's all races [ __ ] anyway so she also wants to help kill these sweet dudes because he doesn't know what they look like but django does know what they look like so it tells them if you help me find them i'll give you some money and your freedom because i hate slavery so django is like dopamine then the sheriff comes over and schultz shoots him dead in the street then goes back in with django the town marshall comes along with a shitload of guns and schultz makes super ultra duper sure that they won't kill him once he gets out like he's being really anal about it which is pretty smart so i can't really [ __ ] nitpick anything here [ __ ] germans being so anal about everything running like fun turns out the sheriff was the one out loud posing as another dude with a different name and there was a bounty on his head so he killed him and now marshalls in 200 bucks whoa cool stuff cut a little while later django and schultz chillin schultz finds out that django has a wife but some white white scarred her and separated them her name is boom hilda and she speaks a little bit of german and you know she'll speak german so he'd be like next up they go to a farm place or what is it called plantation yeah one of those where they think the three brittle brothers are and he tells them he's gonna pretend to be his valet and he can pick out whatever custom he wants to pick out so he's like my man you sure about it so django picks out a [ __ ] smurf costume but whatever he looks mixed they get to this gas plantation schultz pretends to do business with racist kfc guy while jan goes off to scope out the place and look for the brittle brothers and he finds one of them and he gets all these flashbacks of how the braille brother is tortured to him and his girl so he tells this finally that he'll get dr schultz approaches one of the brothers and shoots him right in the bible page then the second [ __ ] fumbles his gun while django gets a hold of the whip that the other was used and serves him a nice can of base and honestly who the hell has such bad gun skill under pressure in the wild west you're a criminal for god's secrets must be good [ __ ] you know you deserve to die [ __ ] you which is exactly what happens because django takes his gun and says [Music] schultz comes along kills the third brittle brother same [ __ ] as the marshal happens with kentucky fried chicken man and he tells him to [ __ ] off gives django the stan guy and turns out this dude's part of the kkk and he rallies up the [ __ ] kkk dudes to kill jango and schultz at night and if you don't know what the kkk is don't worry i'm gonna edumacate you this stands for [ __ ] [ __ ] a group of [ __ ] that hey black people and they're trying to attack shows and jungle that night while they sleep but schultz's tactical charming princesses coming a mile away and he's posts up with this sniper rifle and shoots this thing you know the tools that is on top of the dentist that he has that he feels dynamite and blows up scares all the people off and probably kills some of them then he gives jango a shot to shoot chronos sanders while he's running away on his horse now complete lop is making this shot from that far away fine whatever the movie says he's natural he's a natural who will [ __ ] cares what i want to address here is the [ __ ] blood splatter all over the horse from the entry wound is this some explosive bullet tarantino what is up with your bullock physics again dude isn't all the blood supposed to come out from the exit wound or whatever you know whatever i don't know i never shot an old racist guy with an 18th century sniper rifle from a mile away before saying i don't know what i'm talking about that night jango and schultz be chilling again jules tells jangle about an old german tail no no no not yet not yet doctor put your hand in like eight some years too early but yeah when he tells him to be his bounty hunting partner through the winter and he'll give him a third of all the money he makes and after the winter's over he's going to help him find and get back broomhild so jiang was like sick i'm in why are you helping me as a german i'm obliged to help you on your quest to rescue your beloved vanilla now you're not as a german you're not obliged to do [ __ ] you're just a nice guy it's okay to do your own horror sometimes come on you say i'm a good guy i'm a good guy cut to a winter montage of lots of bounty hunting guns life lessons and english learning and after winter's over they go to greenville which is the main slave trade place where they keep track of all the records where slaves come and go and you throw them all out crapping out so they can fly boom hilda and here's what i don't get in some bum [ __ ] town in the middle of nowhere a bar keeper will literally call the sheriff on them he's so racist but when they go to greenville the epicenter of slave trade where there should presumably be max levels of racism a place where schultz refused to let jango go alone they are met with zero conflict yeah okay that's believable anyway they find out that she has been bopped by some dude called calvin candy and she's at candyland but they can't steal her because they need a bill of sale and they just can't while still they're an ass to buy here because they're just gonna flat out refused so they come up with a cunning plan you see calvin candy is into some nasty business called mandingo fighting where black people fight each other to the death for the amusement of white people nasty [ __ ] and he has a bunch of mandango fighters so schulz is gonna pretend to want to buy one of these mandingo fighters for a pretty penny while django pretends to be a mandingo fighter talon spotter expert whatever the [ __ ] i don't know and he's gonna want to see the good talent the good fighters or whatever which is all back at candyland so calvin will take them back there at which point they will find boom hilda he's going to be like i want to buy this girl because she you know she speaks german and i like german because i'm german i don't know so they're going to end up buying my [ __ ] fighter and her or just end up buying her and not the mango fighter and like scheme out of it i don't know [ __ ] that's the plan okay they meet up with candy and he's in greenville doing some bending fighting business the introductory bs happens he refuses to sell them anything but then he hears the price that they're willing to pay which is twelve thousand baging is for the right specimen and he does a complete 180 and invites them over to canal and to see like the good fighters and stuff on the way white [ __ ] be [ __ ] to django so he does this man django be strong can people actually do that through pure strength or is it like some secret kung fu ninja way to make a horse fall down easier also this horse gets up in a split second and it's not freaked out at all what's up with that anyway after that attention they keep moving all the black folk looking at jango mean because he's pretending to be a black slaver then chill says a word with his man django telling him to calm the [ __ ] down not overdo the [ __ ] right and he also tells him that he slightly got confirmation that boob hilda's at candyland i talked about it with calvin which is something i never saw him do in the movie but whatever i'ma take his word for it they keep moving and they get to this checkpoint place or something like that and they see a mandigo player that tried to escape the turn to bits by dogs and calvin and django has changed some bad will passion it looks freaking there's some stank vibes going on between them i'm saying [ __ ] obviously dudes are [ __ ] but they are they keep moving and arrive at candyland where they meet samuel jackson playing steven calvin's house fella servant yeah sir dude and he's really hurt that jang was riding a horse and staying in the big house but calvin told them to calm his titties did they make samuel skin darker in this movie give me a second oh she seems like they did anyway schultz asked for room hill to be sent up with those rooms so the [ __ ] [ __ ] bring her out of the torture box and almost set jango off they dress her up all nice and sent her up to his room that night and she's really scared because she thinks she's gonna have some for sexy time but little does she know he's a good guy he don't want that and this [ __ ] tries to make some small talk but he's like a dick please speak some dermatory like fear not milady i am here to rescue you with a mutual friend i'm only speaking in german so candies peeps don't understand what we're saying you must promise not to scream when you see this mutual friend of ours or else we are dunzo django opens the door behind her she faints and the indestructible glass falls out of her hands but does not shatter i guess you know it's possible that happened and i fell on the rug too so anywho after that they all have some dinner at night or is it what's it called when you have put in there is it you got lunch sorry breakfast lunch dinner supper what who cares they're eating food at night discussing the sale of the mandingo fighter without ever seeing the dude that they're gonna buy which is the whole reason they came here for but maybe they did it off screen whatever it doesn't matter because hilda is serving drinks on the table and sammy boy notices some chemistry betwixt her and django he puts two and two together and justice schultz was offering to buy hilda he calls in candy for a secret meeting and tells him they ain't here for no man dingoes they're here for the girl because her and jang are in cahoots see that here's some old-timey miami wild west convo linguisms i don't even know what i just said candy comes back to the table matt has testicles because he's been too tired by these people keeps us calm for a bit and he threatens to bash hillary's head in and forces them to buy her for 12 grand goes to write the bill of sale while schultz is sitting there fuming dudes nearly at its boiling point yo with all this racist stupid retardation he can't stand and they also disrespect beethoven y'all ain't nobody disrespect beethoven when they're playing with hate though i'm telling you it's just getting close dude's about to blow he goes over the candy finalizes the papers and tells him ever so politely to [ __ ] suck a fat [ __ ] but just before he leaves kenny's like if you don't shake my hand the deal is not done and schultz really doesn't want to shake his hand but can he threatens to shoot hillary if he doesn't do it so schultz is like if you insist walks up to him boom hidden pistol baby shoots him straight in the flower he finally snapped and killed candy and then just stands there doing nothing allowing this deckhead to shoot him i understand you snapped and couldn't take him or he just had to [ __ ] kill him right there and there but you could have just shook his hand and then [ __ ] did him like you did kfc guy right but nevertheless i understand however what i don't understand is why you have to [ __ ] stand still and give him one last zinger dude why not go for coverup better yet why not shoot the guy before he shoots you you definitely had time and as i recall that thing has two shots in it bruh come on you know so well you're [ __ ] [ __ ] django gets a gun kills a bunch of white hoes and starts to shoot out in which he can clearly shoot through people and wood but then immediately use this dude as a meat shield and a cupboard or whatever that is as another bullet shield and it works what the hell [ __ ] bullet physics quentin at least be consistent anyway they threatened to kill his girl again so he comes out with his hands up he cut the jangle hanging upside down and somehow his brain has not exploded yet from all that blood rushing into it by staying upside down for extended periods of time jackass comes over to cut his manhood off but steven stops him in last second saying that candice sister or whatever has decided to give him to a mining company or some [ __ ] like that where he's destined to spend the rest of his life turning big rocks into little rocks because that's worse than having your balls cut off and diving in a few minutes according to them and they want django to suffer so these racist aussie miners take him hey there terentity along with these three dudes that were giving jango mean looks before then django tricksters the aussies into free him by saying he was there for a bounty he rode in with a white dude that's his partner and she hit the fan they killed its partner and they you know accused him of whatever blah blah blah now he's here and they left eleven thousand dollars in bounties back at the farm or plantation and if they let him go he's gonna help him get it and give him all the money the aussie khans are obviously skeptical so they go over to these three ladies they asked them and they back up jango story that he wrote in him with a white man and that he is a bounty hunter how they know he's a bounty hunter i have no [ __ ] clue but they do they little news give him a gun he proceeds to shoot them and blow quentin by turn titty he takes some tnt a gun and rides off with the black dudes finally smiling at him because they finally realize that he a badass playing white folk and [ __ ] [ __ ] up he gets to the checkpoint where the dogs turn up the one dude and brings the house down on these [ __ ] i hope he got a salad from that checkpoint his family jews must be [ __ ] crushed i mean i've never ridden a horse water cell before but i imagine your nutsack would have its contents turned into mashed potatoes like the horse's spire and your nutsack just smashing into each other just clashing you know someone yeah i don't know he doesn't get a saddle by the way but he goes over to deadshots takes the bill of sale and pays some respect ripping pepperoni my man guess his wife waits for the candy fam to come back from funeral kills these sweet tarts and shoots this jackass in the nuts then shoots calvin's sister why the hell does she fly off in a direction completely different from the one jangle shot her from actually why does she even fly off in the first place some of the other dudes did [ __ ] it whatever he tells these ladies to leave us even to stay cause he's just as bad as the white [ __ ] stephen finally drops old man act is a steven or stephen ah two way now django kneecaps and lights a fuse walks out the house and this time cool guys do look at explosions that they're standing dangerously close to django then gets on his horse that was not tied to anything and did not run away from the huge scary explosion although boom hilda's horse very clearly got scared and she had to calm calmet down freaking who cares gets on the horse does a little dance and rides off with his wife this movie gets a tnt out of a dnd [Music] you

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Keywords: Django Uchained, Django Unchained explained, Django Unchained recap, Django Unchained review, Django unchained cinemasins, movie recap, movie, recap, funny, haha, lol, spoilers

Id: JjdVPO2zWDk

Length: 12min 3sec (723 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 19 2020