Tim Hawkins Movie

I love it when I see new couples man new couples they just get married and they have just to have it figured out you know they have all the answers they have this whole marriage they know it's so easy know is bragging about the relationship you know here I'm talking it so amazing Arby region what's so great about it is it's so spiritual it's like we're joined at the fool you fool what do you mean it's like we finish each other's sentences all the time we finish each other like big deal I don't care how long you've been married you always finish each other's sentences I've been married for 15 years like hey honey can you make your own sandwich that is weird cuz that's just what I was gonna do I'll go see if you want me to make you one too if you go to Starbucks learn their drink like when you go to the drive-through learn what they like to drink at Starbucks it'll blow our mind it will cuz women are that's a hard drink they're very complicated men are easy at Starbucks you know you ever go to the drive-through can I help you yeah give me a mint take coffee ain't no cream uh honey what you want okay here's what I want listen listen this is what I want I want a tall skinny sugar-free decaf soy vanilla latte extra hot whipped cream double sleeve no cup please tell me you got that please I'd like to change my er to a large whiskey just a large cup of whiskey because I'm going to drive away and off a cliff I don't want it to hurt so bad and a blueberry scone and then when I met my wife it was just amazing was love at first sight she was walking across his field and she just looked right at me which I thought was weird because I thought you know I was hidden by the bushes but love knows no boundaries she looked right into my binoculars and I'm oh we got married it was awesome she changed your name I was eventually able to find her uh Laurie and I figured it out we figured out what the source of conflict is we know what causes the two of us to fight it's me I remember the first fight I caused it was right after we got married and I wanted to go out with the guys just me and the guys out like we used to and she wanted me to stay there with her and cut the cake and throw the bouquet okay he's don't you moan at that how dare you moan at that it's not fair sometimes my wife gets mad at me for behaving wrong in her dreams I had a horrible dream last night you want to hear about it no I'm gonna tell you anyway a grizzly bear was chasing me through the woods with his teeth he was going to eat me and you did nothing you just sat there and you didn't do a thing what was I doing you were playing poker with a rabbit that's what you were doing and that's the thing you would do something like that you would play poker with a rabbit well I was being eaten by a bear luckily a giant unicorn came and saved me with his laser horn that's how I say it not by you put his shoe I mean I got I got three boys and a girl boys and girls are totally different my boy is just violent girls are just in dance everywhere make a bowl of cereal they're adorable boys are violent man even a boy likes a girl he's violent every see little boy at a public pool he likes a girl he's like dunking her under sticking her head in the filter huh yeah you are the one for me we here see little boys smitten with the girl is hilarious it's like a look at her she's amazing I must have her in my life she's my day she is my night she is my flower I must prove my love for her to have her forever so with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my might I shall throw this rock at her and as the blood trickles down her temple she will know the depths of my affection if she survives we will be Wed go find your mark with your pebble find your mark if you got little kids in your house a little bitty kid you gotta watch out for their toys laying all over the floor don't you you know what I'm saying it's like a war zone at midnight you ever get up for a drink or something you know watch it with little kids toys ladies I'm going to give you childbirth as the number one most painful thing a human can endure you win I'm gonna keep a close second to steppin barefoot on a lego moly speaking pick your heel and a Lego at midnight you're walking was it a box jellyfish in the hallway - I think what our kids are alone quiet in the room I think they're just sharpening Legos this one's going to them for a month I think we should fight the terrorists with Legos I really do they're not wearing shoes anyway find a bunch of caves throw a bunch of Legos out they're gonna come out just wait there's no food they take that I will get you back I will kill you with a Lincoln Log a lot of mothers like to pre parent before the child is even born they like to like you ever see these women who like read to their baby in the womb just let it develop C's mom once upon a time there were three bears Papa Bear mama bear and baby bear the kids in fluid damn it sounds like word you burned down here is read bad got me man mama be him any day eating my porridge it too is that my mom Charlie Brown's teacher how did it Sybilla cool joke and people start you bring the babies home and people start asking dad's more questions that there are no answers to they ask you stuff like Oh is she good baby she good baby I don't know how do you how do you tell do you just thump him like a melon what they mean by that question is does the baby sleep most of the time and that's what Mandy did our firstborn and Laurie was so proud of her she told everybody oh oh this baby is an angel she sleeps about 18 hours a day she only wakes up when she's hungry and as soon as she's fed she goes right back to sit so the definition for a good baby is the same definition for a crummy husband I remember as a kid there is one invention that still just boggles my mind I just don't understand it is Johnson's baby shampoo no more tears Shampoo I mean how do they know it had to be some trial and error there you know what I'm saying seem in the lab all right bring the kid in I look up here me right Howie screaming get him out of here it's too strong back to the drawing board I just started communicate with music to my kids they don't listen to me talking anymore I just use their songs and get my point across where at them all the other day they're just begging me for an iPhone for an hour if I said dude I'm not gonna buy you an iPhone cuz you asked for it like you need one you don't I'm not gonna buy you and iPhone you're insane if you think I'll pay for it so be on your way I'm not gonna listen go away you're wasting all your time here's a dime if you find a payphone but no iPhone today and that's right how about Beyonce open minds California open minds haha your lab kid should be like to the left to the left to the left to the left everything you own in a box to the left haha you must not know about me you must not know about me I can make another you in a minute did you roll your eyes at Nathan no you did

Channel: Wolfang78

Views: 623,289

Rating: 4.8896403 out of 5

Keywords: Christian Comedians

Id: 48o3GMZahM8

Length: 10min 30sec (630 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 09 2012