Tim Hawkins - Random Jokes

yeah that's thinking church no matter where you go there's no perfect one it's all people there how long you going to church you're going to see you know real folks any church is like like those strawberries you get in those clear plastic containers that's what churches like the table is all read and write we turn over some old lady [ __ ] watch American Idol - don't you don't you soon senators I would that's my one we're good I would love to try American Idol no good I can't say I'm not good-looking but I know the move I can make top ten I know because I know the American Idol movie you've seen the move yeah push pull point pal push pull pull you know why would you want to be famous famous uh I've got trouble deal with people I know just dumb things people say you know I know the guy like the back of my hand like the back of my eye I don't really know the back in a police lineup I don't think I could pick that I got the glint in the back of my hand all these gyms meet people have weird sayings I slept like a baby last night where'd you wake up screaming and what the bank I slept like a log last night no logs looking for the difference between asleep and log in an active oven yeah running around and we're sleeping heavy I sweat my bark off out here I'm gonna sleep like a baby did enough baby me a lot of ways to say help somebody's gone I'm good okay guys one fried short I had him in his elevator boy all Billy to talk God takes two hours to watch 60 minutes I mean the wheel was spinning but the hamster is dead people in Connecticut say this man head guy don't know his butt from a hole in the ground man that is dope that's some rudimentary information right there you got to know that if you want to be your human you don't know that the station there's some guy digging a hole is right yard is that bull that is not going do without the ground look at its my boy that ain't your buddy - ha you just dig it yourself I can see have that conversation later in life alright so before I give you permission to ask for my daughter's hand in marriage you must answer me this one question do you know your butt from a hole take all the time you need yes sir I do know my butt from a Hollywood I know it like the back of my hand good eye dad you say get your button here then he beat me I deserved it no in my wife and I were able to make our kids either we use a Taser that's totally you need to stop judging me and try it before you start judging me open your mind that thing's awesome it's quiet that legal mark they don't remember come on talk to whatever gun that seems kind of people we got here tonight we're getting married folks in a way for date night now you're there how many kids you got it five it's kind of sick that's awesome man don't you don't look guilty at all you shouldn't my wife and I go out on date night and we just let it go man we paint our faces blue right around on horseback they can take your money they concede but they can't take out it's awesome and any newly married anybody newly married here probably out frolicking somewhere I love you are you a newly married you're not in the shower anymore for though that ring strange things are going to start having that's right newly married dude you're going to start getting those notes my wife's a note writer she's mad she writes notes so fun my first week being married I woke up to a four-page nasty note I knew it was bad I live in the trash can there was a rough draft and my wife signs her nasty notes like like I don't know honey somebody broke in the house it's very angry with me I forgot her birthday again put the gun down Oh marriage is awesome although the questions my wife asks me when is your favorite flower she has never talked what's your favorite flower I'm a bleached rich and like Bisquick if you want to go date the bishop ladies you're all about the questions late at night look stop it these we don't we don't know what that sound is okay you get up and look for it I don't know if this news flash purchased as scared as you are I'd rather die where to duvet than out in the cold got to get those cushions really got any questions to women right you got to have the right time it has to be seamless there can be no hesitation do these pants make my butt look fat for a nanosecond to say no I'm sorry it's all there black and white clear as crystal you soul fizzy lifting drinks we built into the ceiling which has to be washed and sterilized so you lose Charlie you get nothing good day we have my AK means absolutely nothing to you I love I love doing activities why why we watch a lot of movies we got this Netflix thing you know yes I'm Netflix it's too much it's true the truth it's starting to affect our arguments and influence the way we argue to train folks on the other day hey did you leave your underwear on the bathroom floor are those your underwear on the bathroom floor I hope so as we have a totally different conversation did you leave what do you want from me I want the truth you can't handle the truth honey we may leave under on the bathroom floor those other where I had to be picked up who's going to do it you the kids I have a greater responsibility that you could possibly fathom and you weep over my hate you cursed my clear the limits you have that luxury good the luxury of not knowing what I know that my laziness while tragic probably save lives

Channel: Rachel Elphick

Views: 1,178,268

Rating: 4.9067583 out of 5

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Id: NQhPs3E52iE

Length: 8min 11sec (491 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 28 2013