Tim Allen: "Rewires America" & "All Men Are Pigs"

hey hey hey we are here to discuss men's stuff minced up more power that's my motto if it ain't broke you can probably still fix it that's more power that's why running a big Cadillac coming here boy that's an end of L it's a big car and that's 170 horse aluminum ahead traverse mounted six Patrick comfort leather guts big sedan the Vail no Jeff parts in this thing I'll tell you that right now and nothing within easy reach well you drive that Sedan Deville top speed you want change that ready you better think about that a little bit that's good I'm a happy guy trying to stay happy in a world of unhappiness that's a problem my daughter though 18 month old from hell Oh a poop machine she I'm a new father the only advice I have is don't feed him raisins totally fools her intestinal tract in a raisin outer raisin no I love her my grandma loves you too she comes over all the time I hate that old at ten right I'm kidding I love her 90s old still driving not with me that would be stupid you don't even know not as in that car unless you look close boy summoned driving that dealt 88 what is it knuckles in a blue head ah she's great I love him always bringing over food and no one eats a major casserole it shouldn't have boy stirs and raisins again good deal so from the old country yeah we'll just save it that's my problems my ethnic background Irish German says thin angry sons of that's how we are the great chefs of Ireland boy there'd be a thick book huh it'd be a pamphlet saying try another country and my German background here's some hungry goddamn people they can't shove it into an animal casing they don't eat it that's it warlike Nazi bastards boy conference in Hungary sons-of-bitches us Germans we just stood at the border going what the hell are they cooking over there we always conquered France and Italy couldn't fight for they can cook that's it just primitive thoughts primitive thoughts that's what Germans men are spying a translates to men are pigs just the women men are pigs right women really really just too damn bad we own everything and I'm kidding I kid a kid it's a kid women on a lot of things nowadays you know your potpourri outlets yarn barns that's right it's a stupid Neanderthal thought men are Neanderthals primitive grunting baboons that's where we are that's how we should talk the simple effective language for simple people med what's easier please pass the turkey or just point the meeting it's so descriptive your little confused now you understand oh I would love to see corporate level grunty Roberts temple the head of GM now introduced in 1991 hey simple and all the yellow Tide executives oh yeah little fanny kickers are I'll have his job sooner ha ha I love cars that's why I love being in Detroit I love living in Michigan cars this year is a good year for me I always wanted a black bet always from a 67 when they had the side Oilers I always want a big bet man I got a plant brand-new bet love this car my aunt Rosa the feminist 30 years stamina cinches up cast how can you be upset at a car just a symbol of aggression just a v8 managed a v8 that's a problem I was just extension of your penis oh I wish big v8 two-seater dick leather upholstery come on that men are great man we'll accessorize accessorize women accessorize men accessorize by putting penta wheels on a goddamn Corolla we accessorize I'll put chrome wheels on anything my garden tracker yeah John Deere 160 but hubcaps on it she won't notice hundred twenty dollars twenty two down one hundred twenty two dollars money won't spent she won't notice good god you put chrome wheels on that tractor yeah why why always scratch your ass when you're thinking cuz that's where a man's brain is it's not the lawn mowing is nothing that's no work it's the edging that me up and that echo 3-series with the nylon thread as man no power so i rewired i strapped a chevy vortex v6 to my back right through the grass the asphalt down to the mantle of this planet that is an edger hahaha women accessorized differently the accessorize purses and shoes were accessorized they match my shoes to my person they match persons got 16 persons and I am a man and I still won't touch that son of a where's the car keys in my person why baby do you have 19 pairs of black shoes you stupid those are strapped Beck's spiked copy colors espadrilles flats pumps patent leathers spectators are we differ on Mims stuff lubricating the car somehow becomes a man thing corporate lady can't put oil in a damn car blew my Buick up blew it up no oil blew it up I was Chuck didn't the oil I go on uh yes well not expecting the truth I was stunned the oil light went on well how did you feel about that well I thought a brighter wood should go on and it really needed it I wasn't gonna pull over oh hell no I usually add oil I'm driving down the freeway too high it's men's stuff men's stuff I think men should be celebrated I want to be a masculinist not a feminist not anti-female just into men's stuff mints things like Robert Bly said iron John a celebration the wild man stuff that women just go move that's what you want to it no gunk and gaskets a wd-40 lava soap on a rope bass fishing blowing your nose like this a wet towel hello in the shower shouts a garage with a drain in it racially proud other men we should celebrate men a big hairy-chested pectoral Bua men men should love of them and hug a man now and then kiss a man give him tongue I don't care I think the day is just around the corner you can blow a but if he's not feeling good about himself hey blocks I might lose your job so let me blow you that'll make you feel better buddy hey let go of my ears I know what I'm doing who could blow a man better than another man maybe I stepped into an odd little zone just then but a man needs his own zone that's my shop Harry that's my zone ah you think it's dirty and musty and stinky because I like it no it's dirty and messy see because you women will go in there I import spiders and put them everywhere so she won't go in there a tool board that's my altar to manliness I sacrifice a pine board every Sunday the said to Larry there's nothing like the feeling a ride and cold steel hand on your hips man big to about the team to change junior junior high just walking on my house looking for more power you know that old easy lift chair grandma's don't work like I'd like to see so i rewired I went down to Joe's army-navy there in Royal Oh picked up a can of pull Chevy c10 pickup truck Springs oh I'll admit I misjudged on his weight a little bit on that Rochelle should used a beanbag chair songs I fired at woman I that chair hard 60 62 knots grabbing doilies midair trying to keep it can she hit that door jamb art while she was out colder she couldn't stop me from rewiring grandma's here and ain't no power so I dropped out to RadioShack got some coax cable voltmeter some amp gauges hundred 60 watt preamp Dobby avian see that can hear out on a clear night he can pick up shuttle conversation it's having trouble that mechanical arm evidently why two men like tools hey is it hereditary that learned behavior social I don't know maybe because they made us go to shop class made us go to ie it does what you KK setup clean up all the other line get your tool clean up your file sit down looks like Nazi war camp in there some ex-marine with a metal plate I'm listening to all during the summer class he's gone incoming why do you listen to it shop teacher missing fingers always use the safety on that saw I'm not around we have me pass out the test papers it's like women have a whole men would you listen to home act eacher burned beyond recognition I always watch cooking sherry at high temperature it's cuz flambe is will blow up in your face hey I'm around look at these scars there's women do their own particularly if weird stop watch a woman do a bikini wax there's some you'll never see a man do bunny I'm afraid that ball hair is gonna sit right where it is even though we'll all agree that ball areas pretty damn was it's like God had some elbow skin left over are you wrapping that no don't touch that honey there's not a woman out there who has been frightened by the side of her own mad naked bent over a bathtub you walk in there oh it's you maybe a goat had wandered in or something wildebeest action in here that's some silly stuff right there women gets silly all the time they do want me to buy her fur coat one time she came home nude borrowed one who's nude underneath like sex with salad she went hi honey where'd you get that goddamn coat she won't give a honey don't mess it up or taking that thing back now she's all upset all week like I don't like her body oh he's like she'd buy me a Ferrari if I show up opener and butt-naked in there huh it's all these differences now it's choices that's where the difference come from men still have the same choice they've had all their lives or woman's got all these new choices they're all upset about it we just try to make them happy I'm a zombie single and just date single job part-time then date date just get double time and date half time I'll be married to work full time married work Hempton married have children work married nut children Oh pair marry have pool boy married the pool boy I mean women men's choices the same has always been we can work and Penitentiary we're in this horrible position try to help her out she's guilty so I'm doing all my work and half her hers now I'm cleaning the house don't do it like she does she'll doggie trying to do that vacuuming hate that vacuuming don't know how to do it right mm-hmm Eureka twelve hundred upright hmm what is a headlight for in that piece of shuttle I say let's scare the cat oh no power in these things same bobby pin right over there you'll never take a pick that thing up with goodness sakes though has a vacuum job in it you'll tap dance with like a you'll pick it up look it put it back that thing just needs or power so i rewired this old 327 short block Chevy Etna garage 700 real horsepower man I'll suck the butt out of the cat boy a ride and rear bag in Eureka with a tiller oh I can't do anything right in that house because it's a woman's owned that kitchens the last vestige of overi hood that's our women our women they want you in there doing it but just do it my way hey don't be doing it shut up I'll figure how to wash it dish oh she's bringing out dutch crockery now i'm washing the meal she got this wedding to pigeon heads dutch crockery got spinach baked in there I had a Bosch pneumatic air hammer couldn't get to I'm panicking how do you get this stuff out of here she had to give it she's in the den of the cigar the cognac deal with it I'm panicking she just just let it soak hey how long cuz the men are analytical give you time zone just let it soak how long I need a schematic drawing logarithm some kind of chart she'll let that thing soak a couple days looks like a biology experiment sit in there Khan's come apartments building uh-huh I don't know where to put it hold that up is her sitting on the counter kids explains it it's Sona how hard is to put that away I don't know her go you will see me putting away a thousand times if I knew where when I put away now she's pissed because Danish Crocker is not put away Oh she'll borrow a tool house she'll steal a tool there's nothing a man hates worse you're walking on the chop seen a dead tool silhouette I got a signal my neighbor's hate garden tractor Shobha smiston ball-peen three days I put my the creek I think I had an aneurysm yelling that loud just said women and men are different cuz women who utilize their time two things charity were social stuff men are just killing time what are you doing honey just killed what do something I'm just killing some time I'm so sick you just give me some cream on my butter kill my heart tell me right now I just men will do that where it is to kill time learn operative word learn how to spit correctly every man knows I'll talk to do that every man here who's a man knows how to what food thing you learn in a parking lot somewhere from a gym teacher an old buddy somebody who spit your chin on the fence on his face but eventually you got good hang time good hang time women never take the time out of a day to figured how to spit although I'd love to see it my grandma Aunt Rose playing Brits spitting like men well Rose I've got four kings on my mine all kings goodness sakes a cheese room was rich sorry I must have little Hawker in there receptive in your second year and only a man would take time out of his busy day to light a fart this is the most there's not a man in this room who's had not seen it heard about it or done in his own self celebrate tonight and the women are gone why because women don't think of things like this to amuse themselves if a woman saw another one was button ear and a flame coming out of there Hey how's the matter with you Helen some bridge club not a refinery tap on that but not a man you see another man's button ear to flame and only a man only a man will think of a burp is a greeting to another man good vibrato burger bring something mop a big burp I go see my seven brothers got to Boulder Colorado we were born and raised Dave's youngest child Matthew just graduated the kumbaya whatever the hell that thing as soon as that child leaves that room my brothers are 14 years old again Dave you're proud of Matt aren't you one Steve AI oh yo my brother Jeff is a great burper pinpoint burp he can blow one across the table bad boy for a couple seconds he's yeah day ID is that you Jeb good one buddy I think it could Grimm on down I think my favorite of all the burps is that surprise vomit burp you get it right down hey hey hey don't owe me I didn't invent him I just have the lack of class to bring him up vomit first I call him burps ve our Peas burps be an ass would there be firm it's plural burps vomit burps usually talking too quick after a meal that's what I am hey Tony you put that soffit up there in your garage at home that is a nasty taste and in it that is min right there cuz you got to read it right away hey Tony you got some mineral spirits I can gargle without here you never think about his feelings afoot in front of you going what the hell was that all I think I saw your sternum come out of there a minute wouldn't you just love to be able to bring that bad boy up for the dentist mornin doc look let's you floss that you clap bastard it's been a great time here in the summer of 1931 proves that man was far older than had previously been believed his brilliant theory that Australopithecus was not a direct ascent to modern man led to his groundbreaking conclusion that the possible missing link was in fact Homer appears to wait a minute back up what is fat that's not the missing link thank you thank you very much nice to be here thanks for sure yeah well hey I'm happy you're happy let's call it a night this is gonna get that whole I'm actually really happy I got to bring my baby I have a new kid I brought my baby a six-month-old little from hell she's where this doctor yeah daddy's girl though she woke up woke up this morning looked in here and OH you know the worst thing about having a little girl is all the women folks show up you know although I was a good 8 hens show up after the bird oh grandma shows up that I hate her she's always bringing our stuff no knees here try day what is that oh and raisins what's in that thing it's from the old country damn it would you save it what is that stuff tomato jello ever your grandma pick what is that here try this I won't even eat right act I got mad next thing I hear say is I've fallen and I can't get out we're like that go my family's horrible I always pick up my grandma seven boys two girls my mom hated us always call his Pig she did she always did you pigs men are pigs right women just sooo bad we own everything I'm kidding I'm kidding I'm kidding I did it my mom always did calls pictures you little pigs you little red but it monkey little primate bastards that's what you are all you do is poop and eat that's all you do don't you speak to me you grunt like a little pigs you are that's how she figure we should talk ha ha ha well you need a three things oh oh oh it's true men grunt all the time they can't do three things at once let your own man try to eat watch TV and talk to you no way honey like that steak you want some more milk what my mother said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance that's it it's a battle its launch season that's lawn care season it's a battle its lawn care season it's a battle I brought out the heavy artillery I got the John Deere tractor the 160 series R that's 11 horse twins soon rider static dry by 42 inch blade rear bagger with a tiller oh he's got headlights on a case I want to mow it at night great oh now I got that my stepfather coming over he's got this postage stamp mom I got a carafe he's good oh geez look at this you got a crab you're gonna you gotta get you got a crabgrass problem Oh so I hire Kim grower lon I don't know what it is some tank truck spraying who knows one on this look would be iced tea I don't know what they're spraying grows about an inch a minute I'm watching that I had to put a big Chevy v8 in my tractor keep up with that thing yeah 396 twin Kawara 70 mile an hour around that tree I got the old lady pitting for me bring it in you're losing oil friggin head Oh my mother said men aren't men until they get to Sears by themselves I love Sears there's more for your life at Sears Sears used to be a punishment my momma get mad at us oh you have lit your sister on fire for the last time I'm taking you boys to Sears and buy you some dress slacks no I would rather have my balls pounded flat with a wooden hammer I swear to and you know how painful that could be Sears tough skins reversible polyester ugly pants yeah your knees will wear out for these pants will now I go to Sears on my terms I go pass all that lady Kenmore jazz I go to the man area crash man yours - yeah I go back there by walking that craftsman to the bar my nipples are rock hard go right that back wall the serious oh what's that that's a conduit bender oh what's it dude who bends conduit oh I gotta have one 238 bucks uh-huh I don't know what this does but it looks good on my pegboard ah that's all men care about is a full pig board ah the altar to a man oh you know in the real pinheads - outliner tools I know that baby goes right there careful I know that ball-peen hammer goes got strange thing about men you can organize your tool area but can't keep brown stains out of your underwear to say however that women don't have their tools old do you travel with your old lady pick up that cosmetic tackle box boy pop the top it looks like Nazi war doctor tools you ever play with that stuff when they're not around I like that little scissor thing they put on their eyes and do some weird thing my wife she'll actually pluck them little bastards out of there a minute later drawn right back in oh its Lancome Clinique a State Lauder College and timely spot remover moisturizing pellets from Europe what happened my eyeliner pencil well the phone rang I couldn't find anything else right women are brilliant every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket boy every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with a towel out of the shower a typhoon couldn't blow that thing off that head you ever try to do that you look like a drunk Iraqi soldier yeah how to sit up there and every woman knows how to do that weirdest thing who defies the laws of physics get out of the shower and put that towel around does that boob tuck it's a fitted disco towel I got her re-roof in the house that thing won't come off every man puts that towel here tucks once you step there that thing sitting right you got Big Jim in the twins staring at your family that's where I use carpet tape that'll help their staple gun Wow I get in real trouble to boredom tools I was at home shopping club ah they got tools from hell come on that show ah the salesmen are good hi folks folks folks you eliminate the worry of sharpening scissors at home forget about that check to Greenpeace on there's a major problem right here so I order the Ren 2000 power home grinder Oh six to eight weeks later shows up UPS I'm waiting on the porch of that dog that truck because I can hear you PS trucks I swear to God I was too excited I go out and smell his button the dog grab the box it can happen then I get that box I get that box in the house and I pull out all those weird plugs that big three prong Oh if no one's looking I'll just cut that fat master rata whole neighborhood shortened up you all know yeah that's a ground wire Oh and who gave them permission change every part you got now every new appliance toaster whatever you got that new plug one sides just a little bit bigger the other set I got the first use out of that new grinder here electricity can be dangerous I'm working to my shop one day look at my nephew Greg I love him to death he's over - trying to stick a penny in a plug uh why do kids do weird stuff like this now I'll warn him you know the Greg I certainly wouldn't do door for you now whoever sent a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor I told him he was grounded well a pool bar n mm out-of-the-box per instruction manual says attach permit to work venture shot berry for stability I don't have a workbench I think we all know where I could get one sir damn right sir well I was leafing through my Super Saturday sale spectacular yeah I noticed a workbench on sale oh the craftsman 346 you binge workman shop mid area so I pop out Sears pick up that goddamn unit Oh mr. 12-foot bench for her pounds came in a box about this big Oh kid you didn't read your circular digit no I don't believe I did that's a sale item there's some assembly required Oh No I got dead home I didn't a me tools to build it I had an old been a pocketknife what am I need tools where am I gonna get him say TURN RIGHT Sears well I don't want to make two trips tried to buy HEPA tools I run the Ryder truck back that turbo diesel up that Sears not bots of - I got those needlenose vise grip and monkey more got three for driving socket pull and ratchet head steel to them breaker jig my flat dado head cut Oh I got tools to fix tools folks I got them all most done rubber-coated for safety you gotta have that plus I got plenty of duct tape a shop in a shop that duct tape I don't know what use it for apparently if you can't fix it doc that's right do you ever know get into tools that understand they don't understand this stuff but do you know what does some assembly required can hurt you or a loved one that's right my mom gave me a sunbeam 23 on her grill for my birthday yes she did it's a dual burner rotisserie grill fold over urban serving Ares huh uh-huh in a handy garden cart oh but she bought a wholesale and I had a building I went oh no I didn't have any tools or what I didn't want when I'm I tried it I really tried mini been through you but you build something like that you're done you got a real little bag of important looking leftover honey honey why don't you try that grille out first okay I'll be behind the garage you know for safety even back there I can see a flame jump out of that day stop running around honey you're just making the flames grow on your head there I can't keep up with the holes with you like that this must be a fuel regulator that's that thing in it's not supposed to spray hair like that she's all upset where they're naturally upset with men and I know the reason why not because men are lying line we will lie about lyin if we have to I'm an algebra liar I figured two good lives make a positive yes and the reason men lies cuz they're sick of woman bitching at him I figured it yeah sure hold on hey don't get so cocky but the reason women cuz we lie so much hey this I don't know where to started way back some cave somewhere whose in this cave you know your old man's lying when it repeats your question where's the crock-pot the crock-pot you're buying time right now our crock-pot no the Pope's crock-pot well I was washing some parts in it I'm always praying gasoline kerosene to that house other than turpentine stuff I'm rinsing needles off my lawnmower motor in Tucker boy bent that thing all out of shape 58 piece of top where she remembers one where's that little piece of tougher I take my lunch don't work in that little piece you take your lunch to work here dog was peeing it I threw it out I know she loves me she loves me she finally bought me a gift I asked for four years that big tulle about that big mother bought a big cowhide Sears tool cat big boy I got them tools hanging every which way too big cordless Makita drills hanging loom oh I'm white goddamn or walking out to change ching ching come on break something you know the product in belts is butt cracks workmen wearing him Bella always got this ugly butt crack hanging out of there you go to a job site you think there's a butt crack contest so hey Pete looking at some bets that gotta be eight inches down there done them once you just tuck those plans in there I'll walk them over to Fred that's okay in a job site but I got this guy put a disposal and he bends down I go all Judas Priest what's that butt crack doing in here what's that a pencil holder what is that I got kids eating food in here I'm gonna spackle that shut son that's what I'll do right now yes hurry baybel I have some latex DAP butt crack filler putty back in there I'll run a beat of clock down that fat ass here's what I'll do see women women love it they don't understand a man's propensity for building useless I'm in their fashion of bird feeder one day I realized myself you know I don't really like birds all that much so I customized it made a combination bird feeder cat feeder only at that far off the ground she didn't understand this right okay she's just mad at me mad because I dirtied the floor shift did you walk on that floor she saw me walk on it she's forcing a lie out of me now everywhere you go you make this house dirty yeah that's how I'm mark territory right better than peeing on the couch I've been known to do an occasion everywhere you go you make those why don't you clean this house for what I pull out that Eureka 1200 upright what's a headlight for that thing scaring the cat shut the lights up you can't back him a woman's way I get the whole house stem to stern his claim she comes in well thanks for vacuuming but does it look back end oh where are the vacuum tracks I must have sucked them up are you serious see she has got away I'm making little patterns on that nap go little way those are vacuum tracks all right so I just cut out a little template spray-painting them onto ourselves then the last I hate Dustin I'll move it move the bracket back you're just pushing the dust around move the Bricker back right you gotta move that bric-a-brac you lift up that lamp where's the only spot that tail there's no dust underneath that Lane so I got a fast way I just duct-tape the small stuff down fire up the leaf blower don't go in that liner of unless you how to work them devices well through the movie I'm going away for the weekend with Marge can you handle laundry better listen you gotta separate the whites in the colors polyesters natural those two different oils Clark's two concepts what's that middle part again you better write this down no I'll remember yeah I'll remember hot in water that's all I remember Incredible Shrinking machine oh did you get to laundry like I asked yeah I got all to fit in the pocket do look at that don't forget about that comforter fits in sucrets box look at that baby huh right under Barbies bed look at that baby off a thing needs more power that's all it needs yeah so i rewired it I took the turbo off my Saab and put it on that GE get that booze whoa six geez that thing spins the poop stains fly right the hell out no so subatomic laundry system no water no soap no nothing subatomic laundry system and how do you screw up dishes this is a traditionally women do this and I'm into that role I'm do that watch that dish I'm gonna do that dish how do you screw it up well you're a manual figure ID way uh-huh oh I can feel her presence huh hahahaha like a Comanche warrior she comes out of nowhere flexy spot me screwing the neighbor's cat or something Hey just watch the dish in here well you can't use that sponge it's just for Teflon Oh alert the press and that is just for stainless steel ah I'll just use my orbital sander we'll take that little pattern off on I'm out of you roses it's the worst part of the year NBA playoffs are down to a minute 9 she doesn't care I'm watching it something malfunctions it's my problem the disposals clogged my first reaction is ignore it hey you know what I suppose I was clod maybe she's talking the dog I don't know why here coming well you put it in there when your arm is longer well your ass is wider fix the toilet yes I'm in there pulling all those food boogers out of that stupid thing meat Union hiljaa put in here the cap thing at work I work a lot better a little more power everywhere but a Harley v-twin on that bad boy tree limbs ah while I was at it I decided to rewire that little weird little sprayer in the sink that couldn't blow dandelion awfully stupid goosey it works really good with a paint compressor rewired too I can clean my neighbor's siding from across the street that's important a big battle send me out to buy some women or nearly buy new dishwasher do dishwasher and into dishwasher I got to look they don't make a Black & Decker craftsman I'll make one what am I gonna buy I'm looking for a GMC diesel dishwasher gonna make that be great to a thirty horse diesel engine big stack coming through the counter big submarine steel door they don't make them for men I got the Maytag 2000 number one according Consumer Reports number one double plumbed porcelain inside now soft scrub buttons got the soft touch front control panel Dacor series that's right well I can't wait to use this bad boy I've got a two-day-old chili dish try to put that in there trying to put a good dish as a dishwasher you idiot you can't put a dirty dish in a dishwasher Oh how silly mean I don't know not he's gotta wash the dish then you put it is yeah then I'm gonna wipe my butt and take a you

Channel: seetherfan1328

Views: 1,203,779

Rating: 4.6930022 out of 5

Keywords: Tim, Allen, Rewires, America, All, Men, Are, Pigs

Id: m2ocSO-J4mM

Length: 54min 40sec (3280 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 29 2011