Tim Allen - Stand-Up Comedian (late 1980s)

thank you thank you thank you thank you I'm thrilled thank you thank you yeah I'm happy to be in California although I'm a little upset with this avocado thing I mean everywhere it's avocado this avocado that everybody you want an avocado with that uh I don't see I'm just buying a shirt I don't see the reason why little depressed about but I just got home I I saw my family there we have a lot seven boys two girls and I got to say after being with my brothers I realize that men are pigs just pigs absolute pigs right women yeah yeah it's just too bad we own everything I'm kidding of course I'm kidding no we're Pigs we're pigs my mom raised seven little boys pigs she calls us she always little boys you little pigs you little redbed monkey Little Pigs don't speak to me grunt like the pigs you are she figured that's how men should speak you don't believe your men grunt do you give mistake honey is that good some at the door or do you want more milk my mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance it's very true though I have a new lawn tractor yeah I got the John Deere 160 thank you oh yeah yeah 11 horse twin cylinder hydrostatic drive yeah rear bagger oh headlights got headlights in case I want to mow it at night I guess I have that option oh yeah my neighbors show up like flies on manure boy they're hovering that tractor brand new tractor I got to eat gu and I understood him and that bothered me for a while but not that long my mom said men aren't men and to can find your way to Sears by yourself oh I love Sears yeah that Craftsman tool department oh I walk in there my nipples are rock hard oh yes tools I love tools I lot of money I have money now so I can buy stuff I don't need I got a gear puller oh yeah I have no idea this is looks good on the peg board though that's all men really care about is a full pegboard it's the alter to manliness and the real pin heads outline their Tools in red I know where that baby goes that's the claw hammer I get in more trouble though I I get home a little lonely I watch in know hotel rooms on the road watch that home shopping thing oh tools from Hell on that show now guy came on and said eliminate the worry of sharpening scissors at home oh let's forget about Ethiopia for a minute here's a major problem well I ordered it uh got the ren 2000 Power Home sharpener open up get all those confusion plugs that big that three Pronger ah [Laughter] but they must have done something when I was in a coma cuz every new plug you get one side of the plug is just a little bit bigger than the other side ever try to pound that son of a into an extension Court well there's a marriage that'll last but I just use my grinder [Applause] [Music] one day I'm walking around the house cuz I got that kind of time to kill and I noticed the plug behind the dryer oh there's some juice coming out of that slot huh it's 220 I like plugging things in there that don't really belong oh that blender will fire up I pull that baby out of the box my Ren 2000 said attach firmly to your workbench oh I don't have a workbench but I think we all know where I can get one don't we Sears there's more for your life at Sears well I popped out to Sears and picked up the 164 cuing his workbench shopmate area 12 300lb bench in a box yay big oh there some assembly required with that oh no you can hurt people with that my M gave me a gas grill this birthday I got the sun being 1320 it's so window doing there fold down Redwood serving areas dual beer it look like a car bomb in that box butane hoses boy I built it look good though look good but I still had a bag of real important looking stuff left over hey honey why don't you try out the grill first man you seen the flame fly out of that thing stop running around honey making the Flames grow on your head there you didn't burn that in meat did you you know this must be a fuel regulator of some sort I don't think it's supposed to spray in the hair like that guess I don't need to tell you about that though do I huh she's always mad I got to fix things I hate fix the disposal won't work ah well look at in there it's dark well reach in there and pull it out oh man that needs more power so I rewired it yeah put a Harley v twin on there tree lens the best thing she ever did is buy me stuff I want I got that big tool belt that big big cow High tool Bel two cordless drills hanging loow walking around like a gunslinger CH Ching come on break something you guys have been a lot of fun thank you very [Applause] [Music] much Tim all guys recognize Tim from any commercials you seen have you seen any of his commercials well anything refresh the memories anything we might know uh no I want to do one though this year I got a little I want to do one I want to do I want to cook the dough boy come on I'm a little tired of that little fat guy running around little popping frish I pop your little butt in the oven see how you like that 375 bake he's beating on the window it's getting Apple hot in here the crescent rolls around the counter going all right you're a sick man Tim Allen and I really respect that folks we've got David wood next on comic ship live just stay right [Applause] [Music] there

Channel: Tom Ersin

Views: 380,270

Keywords: comedy, humor, stand-up, comedian, Tim Allen

Id: 30K2hhnV88I

Length: 7min 39sec (459 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 29 2012