This House Wants To Be Your Mom (Smart House)

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- Hey there, I'm Jarvis, and I'm concerned. I know there's a lot going on in the world right now that I could be talking about, but I don't want to. Instead, I'm going to talk about the 1999 Disney Channel original movie, "Smart House." - Pat's making it so easy for me to work out of the home it might become my normal routine. - Me too, dad from Smart House. The reason that I'm concerned is because I polled my audience on Instagram @Jarvis, always be plugging, and 65% of you have not seen this absolute banger of a movie. If this figure is as appalling to you as it was to me, why didn't you vote? Huh? I bet somebody looks stupid right now. I bet you thought, I bet you thought your vote didn't matter. That's how they got into the situation to begin with. Honestly, even if you have no interest in fulfilling your civic duty, you do legally have to follow me on Instagram to continue watching this video. Please, I'm begging you, please follow me. It's so easy and I need the validation so bad. I respond to DMs, I give advice, and also just look at me and it's free. Where do you sign? What's this? My bank account was doubled as well, you guys have got to get on this. The Disney Channel original movie Smart House, which is the only way I'm allowed to refer to it, is an iconic feature. It has everything, social distancing (door slamming shut) - Pat! - zoom calls, - Pat? - Oh, hi! - and technology that seems fun and free at first, that is until you realize you've signed away all of your right to privacy. - The thing about Pat is the more time she spends with you, the more she learns, so before long, she's going to know more about you than you know yourself. - It's the perfect escape from the real world. I must have watched this movie countless times when I was a kid, because I still remember a lot of the iconic lines from this movie. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's what inspired me to study computer science, conquer the field of software engineering, and ultimately leave my post as a software engineer to become a YouTuber. All so I could talk about 1999 Disney Channel original movie, Smart House, it's the circle of life. The movie stars Ryan Merriman, who is a bootleg copy of Chris Evans that Disney picked up at a flea market. I totally forgot about this guy but he stared in a number of classic Disney Channel movies. Like for example, "The Luck of the Irish," which I have not seen since I was a child, but I'm sure it holds up. One fun fact about this movie is that it's directed by the reading rainbow personified, the chief engineer of the star ship enterprise, and the captain of the childish tycoon LeVar Burton. How cool is that? Disney Channel original movie Smart House tells the story of Ben Cooper, a sweepstakes addict slash stay at home son. Ben is the matriarch of the family, supporting his dumb dad, Nick, who has very antiquated views on gender roles. - I don't know what's wrong with him today. - Hormones. - Really? I used to think it was only teenage girls with all this body changing mood swinging insanity. - There's also his snarky sister, Angie, who never wants to be late, despite the fact that she's not on time for anything in the entire movie. - Forget it, let's go, we're late enough as it is. Man, we're gonna be later than usual. - Fun fact, the role of Angie was almost played by Brie Larson. I just find that really interesting, because Brie Larson talked about it on her YouTube channel, and that's neat. After the presumed passing of Ben's mom, Ben decided to take on the maternal role himself and oh, what an old fashioned, 1950s housewife slash son he was. Cooking for the family, - Into the sink. - memorizing Angie's spelling list, - Lesson. - L E S S O N. - like when did he have time to do this? And, last but not least, cock blocking his dumb dad. - Listen, speaking of calls, you haven't neglected to give me any messages lately, have you? - Oh, Melanie. - She called? - Yeah, last Thursday, blow her off, trust me. I mean, you're doing so great without a woman, why rock the boat? - Trust me, dad, we don't need anyone else, I'm mom. It's implied that Ben's mom is out of the picture, but we don't really learn what happened to her until like an hour into the movie, which is weird. But you know, it's Disney, so dead parents are kinda their thing. Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away on the other side of Monroe county is a house. But this is no ordinary house, it's a smart house, you know, like the name. Smart house, I'm talking about the house, not the movie. Smart house has a number of features, the first of which we're introduced to when the paper boy drops off the Monroe County Gazette or something, and smart house grabs it with its giant robotic arms. (mechanical whirring) - [Pat] I will be monitoring your accuracy from now on. - Whoa! - I'm gonna be honest, I feel like this kid was a little underwhelmed with what he just witnessed. The year is 1999, we didn't have anything remotely close to this technology back then, and this kid is just like, "Oh, an arm, I have one of those." - Whoa! - I know a lot of people don't know this, but the reason the paper boy wasn't surprised at the robotic arm is because that little guy was a young Elon Musk. Feel old yet? Inside smart house, the house, we're introduced to two characters. There's Sarah Barnes, a real estate agent slash architect of smart house slash computer genius. - Oh hi! - To put it simply, Sarah's got it going on, but she can't find a good man. Which by the way, the bar is on the ground, all she needs is a guy who isn't a bank robber. - I was - Are you trying to ask me out? - Big mistake? - Well, let's see, you're not a bank robber. - And somehow can't seem, it's just slim pickins in Monroe County. Also there's this fucking dork, who's just casually chilling on the counter. Leaning, sipping on his coffee, not a care in the world, wearing sunglasses indoors. This guy doesn't give a flying f***, and he never does any work on screen. Oh, actually three characters, 'cause we're also introduced to the house. - [Pat] Climate control on target at 72.5 degrees. - Thank you, Pat. - The house is played by Katie Sagal, who has had a long and illustrious career but I know her as Leela from Futurama. Sarah grabs the newspaper from the house, - [Pat] Morning paper. - Like is that, she just catches it in the, what if she's not? Okay, Sarah grabs the newspaper, which is now completely crisp. Did the house steam, did they steam the paper? - Miles, I love the amount of publicity we've been getting, look at that. - Would you look at that? Sarah's in the news for being smart. Then her good for nothing co-worker slash wanna be cool guy has to go and make a sexist comment. - I think it's because that reporter has a crush on you. - It's not about her appearance you dumb donkey, she invented smart house. You know, I thought you were pretty cool with your sunglasses and stuff, but now I'm starting to have doubts. What are you posing for, anyway? You're smart and all, but your accomplishments are just 'cause everybody wants to (beep). The inside of smart house, by the way, has the interior design of a public school library. I'm pretty sure I played Oregon Trail on that computer. Back at the Cooper household, which is a dumb house by the way, Ben is preparing dinner like all good mothers do. It's dad's favorite, tuna noodle, which looks disgusting. - Tuna noodle, my favorite! - He's also entering an on-line contest to win smart house, on his giant clamshell laptop that looks like it was built for war. They really try to drive home the fact that Ben is a tech wiz. Like, even on the back of the DVD, they call him "high school science wiz, Ben Cooper." And I'm like, we don't see any of his science expertise whatsoever. All we see them do is type his address into a contest form. But one thing's for certain, Ben (bleeping) loves contests. - Don't tell me you're entering another contest. - Ben, you have an addiction, you need to stop. - Just go study your spelling words please. - Yeah, shut up and dribble, Angie. Mom has got some sweepstakes to fill out. Ben is like a little CEO, managing his whole family's life. He's up to speed on dad's work, and he's got food on the table. - We got Sadler account? - All 48 stores. - How does he do it? The only price that Ben seems to pay for his incredible productivity is that he can't go out for the basketball team. So he's forced to fake left and break right all by himself. (dribbling) (radio in background) - Take notes, Troy Bolton, this kid is on to something. - You got the Sadler account? - All 48 stores. - Is that good? - Is that good? That's incredible, that's absolutely amazing. - Good, now you can finally start to relax and you can start dating, so we can have a new mom. - I like how Angie, the little sister here, is like great, now that you've done that, how about you get me a new mom? What child has ever said this? Hey dad, don't know if you noticed, but I'm missing a mom. So how about you set down that Sadler account and pick up a rose, Mr. Bachelor? Chip chop chip. And this rush to get a new mom is a problem for Ben, because he's mom, we don't need mom. - You can start dating, so we can have a new mom. - Why would he wanna do that? We're already a perfect family the way we are. - They don't need a mom, I'm mom. We cut to the next day, and Angie is late as usual. - We're late enough as it is. - And dad is trying his worst to do her hair. - Ang, I'm a guy, I don't have the hairdo gene. - Ahh, gender roles. It's like, he's trying to do a bad job. You did your hair, dad. It's lavish, it's curly. Why do you want Angie to look like shit? She has a spelling test today. - What about your hair? - So I'll look like a freak, what else is new? - What are you doing? Her hair looked fine before you started, and you're late, you're doing this on purpose. You hate your daughter. On the other side of dumb house, Ben, who has sacrificed his dream of joining the basketball team, is struggling to make uncontested shots from two feet away. But sure, man, it's the family stuff holding you back. Dad and Angie ask Ben if he wants to come along for the ride, but Ben has work to do. - We're heading out for Angie's party, you want to come along for the ride? - No thanks, Dad, I got some business to attend to. - Oh Ben, not another contest. - Trust me, Dad, this one you're gonna thank me for. - Yeah at this point, it really does sound like he has a problem. Like, "I'll show you when my number comes in. I'll have the last laugh," You're tearing this family apart, Ben. Quick shirt check, by the way. Ben is playing basketball, so obviously he's wearing a shirt with a basketball on it. You got to wear an activity appropriate shirt. That's why I win. Dad is about to drive, he puts on his trusty truck tee. The business that Ben needed to tend to is of course another contest. But it's also a contest he's already applied for. So, I'm pretty sure they're stuffing the ballot box at this point. Voter fraud, am I right? Just kidding, they actually allow multiple entries to the contest, which is dumb. - [Radio Announcer] Multiple entries accepted. - Everyone should register to vote, by the way. That's what this movie is getting at, it was ahead of its time. Also this is completely unrelated to anything, but I have to mention, what is this in the corner of Ben's room? It looks like an off-road skateboard. Over at smart house, they're getting ready to give the house away for some reason, I don't understand why they're giving it away. It seems like it was Sarah's life's work or something. And the lazy boy is in a La-Z-Boy, meditating or something. He does nothing in the whole movie. Do they not know that they can sell this house? I suppose the house does have a few defects, like for example, this cartoonish mouse door that I thought only existed in Tom and Jerry. And also, it seems like the circuitry is right next to or on top of the wallpaper. And I am no electronic house expert, but it seems like this would catch fire immediately. So the contest is supposed to end that night at 10:00 PM for some reason. And Ben is busy stuffing the ballot box until bedtime, and his dad is upset, because he's taking up the phone line with his internet. - You're not still logged on the internet, are you? - Why? - How's anybody supposed to call us if you're always tying up the line? - Hey, there, it's come to my attention that this little plot point may have been lost on some of my viewers. You see, back in the old days, we connected to the internet through the phone. I know, it's insane. But you couldn't use the phone if someone else was on the internet, and that is the crux of the conflict between Ben and dad. Anyway, enjoy the rest of the video, I'm 100 years old. - Night, Dad. - Hey, my children. - Oh my children, it's you, for a second there I thought you were a couple of tiny burglars. Nick wishes his kids, that he totally recognizes, a good night and says, I love you two tons. - I love you. - Two tons? - Two tons. - Which is, I love you 4,000 I think, I did the math. So suck it, Tony Stark. - Jarvis! - Then it comes out that Ben has been "forgetting" to pass along messages from dad's lady friends, because he doesn't need a new mom, he's mom. - Listen, speaking of calls, you haven't neglected to give me any messages lately, have you? - Oh, Melanie. - Melanie? She's dead, I killed her, I'm mom. I mean, goodnight dad, love you two tons. - I love you, son. - My read on this situation is get another phone line, Nick. You guys have three computers in this house, what are you doing? Back at smart house, Sarah and the gang are getting ready to pick a contest winner, and their boss is excited that they got 8,000 entrants. - 8,411, Sarah, Miles, I'm very pleased with the number of responses we've generated. - But that's not very impressive for a contest that you could apply multiple times to. I wouldn't be surprised if Ben was all 8,000 of those applications. - About a quarter of those entries should be mine. - There's this funny moment where Sarah asks her boss if the computer, if the smart house, can help pick a winner. And the boss was like, can she do that? - Oh, could Pat have the honors? - Can she do that? - Like, I know the smart house has like temperature control and voice recognition, and a giant fucking robotic arm, but can it pick a random number? Why is this impressive to this man? - Can she do that? - So they try to call Ben, who won the contest obviously, but unfortunately he's in a sweepstakes induced blackout. Cut to the next day at school, and what's that? A sinister guitar riff, we have a bully in our midst. - Where's the science report you were supposed to do for me, Benny boy? - Ben barely makes it to his locker before super sand bully and his goons come out of the woodwork to rough them up. But it's okay, because Ben won the contest and everyone at the school knows except Ben. Ben gets a standing ovation for winning smart house in his class, which everyone knows about, I guess 'cause it was in the newspaper. There's so much newspaper in this movie, and it's not like the newspaper was that popular in 1999, especially with teens. "Extrey, extrey, read all about it! The pep rally has moved to the football field everyone." So Ben calls his dad to give him the good news and dad's dubious. - C'mon Ben, there's gotta be a catch. They don't give away a whole, what'd you call it, a house of the future? - What'd you call it Ben, a hoose? That is until he finds out that Sarah Barnes is a dime piece smoke show. - Beautiful. - Does she come with the house? Smart house, I want a smart spouse. So they introduce the contest winners via press conference, and we find out that Pat stands for personal applied technology, which sounds like the name of a company that makes software solutions. They definitely could have picked a better acronym. Like, I don't know, Jarvis comes to mind. You guys know what Jarvis stands for? Just a rather very intelligent smarthouse. Could've been better is all I'm saying. Oh actually, Mark Zuckerberg named his smart house Jarvis, so. - Good morning, Jarvis. - I take it back, Pat is fine. The reporters asked great questions about the logistics of living in smart house and the technology involved. But all of their concerns are brushed aside, because this is a Disney Channel original black mirror episode. - Do your winners have to have extensive computer knowledge to live in smart house? - No, absolutely not - Do you need computer brain to use smart house? No, dumb dumb, computer perfect. Then the Coopers are introduced to smart house, and even the most basic details come as a surprise. - Ow, you didn't tell me that thing was going to bite me. - Oh, I'm sorry, that's just Pat's way of getting to know you. The bite you felt was a tiny, microscopic blood and tissue sample, and she analyzed your DNA, registered your body temperature, and then broke down your entire medical history. - I feel like you should have to sign some sort of waiver before the surveillance house steals your blood. Just a thought. - [Pat] Angie Cooper, age nine, 52 inches tall, 62 pounds, blonde hair, brown eyes, 12% body fat, but no broken bones. - Wow, impressive. - Hmm. - She doesn't wanna hurt you, she just wants to mine you for information. - The thing about Pat is the more time she spends with you, the more she learns, so before long, she's gonna know more about you than you know yourself. - This is a little on the nose. Did Facebook write this movie? - I talk to Jarvis using this app I built. - And that's not all she does. She can tell if you have bad thoughts, and she turns them into good thoughts. Anyway, let's look at the kitchen. - Say something to Pat. - Hey Pat, how's it going? - [Pat] Fruit and fiber intake in the acceptable range, protein adequate, exhibits tendency to ingest excessive amounts of refined sugar. - She's analyzing my breath, why is this new information? - Her atmospheric kitchen sensors act as instant breathalyzers and break down your entire diet. - I can't hide anything from you, Pat, and that's not a problem whatsoever. It's here that we learn that the smart house has some sort of network of food ingredients that can flow freely throughout the house, and food stuffs can just pop out of anywhere. - May I have a strawberry smoothie? - [Pat] Certainly, Angie. - Ta-da! - Wow, look at this. - I personally would have asked where the food is stored and how it's kept, but the Coopers couldn't care less. - Well? - Yum! - Good. - Mm, I love the good drink. And Angie drops the drink as if possessed, but no fear because apparently this house eats trash. - [Pat] Floor absorbers activated. - Where'd it go? - Where all smart house spills go, straight into Pat's floor absorbers. - What does that even mean? Are the walls and floor just full of garbage? The Coopers decide immediately and without any deliberation to move into smart house at once. - We're gonna move in? - Ahh, what the heck, why not? - What happened to their old house and their old belongings? Who's to say, because they're never seen again. - And if it doesn't work out, we can all move back home, all right? - Sure, once you get used to this place, the way I've designed it, any other home is just going to be a house. - Because smart house has everything you need. The Coopers settle into their new home, at smart house, where everything is perfect. Like they've got music videos on the walls, so that's pretty fucking sick. Can I just say? The soundtrack of this movie is straight up bangers. Jump, jump, the house is jumping, c'mon c'mon. The songs from this movie are extremely catchy, but I think it's because they only have like six lyrics each. Slam dunk, (vocalizing) Some of these are real bands. It's pretty strange actually, I didn't know that. Anyway, everything is going great until it isn't, because there was a malfunction with the smoothie maker that results in oranges being shot all around the house like one of those tennis robots. - Ben, get down. - Fire in the hole. - Oh, it's called a ball machine? Okay, it's like that. Dad and Angie are spooked, and they're like let's call Sarah. And then Ben is like don't you dare bring that hussy around my house. - Well, I want Sarah to come by and check this out. - I don't think that's necessary. - Ben's frustrated, and he confides in Angie that he sacrificed a lot for this family, and all he gets is a lousy card on Mother's Day. - Why do you think I don't go out for the basketball team or ever hang out with my friends? It's 'cause I'm too busy killing myself making sure that our lives run smoothly. - Why do you think I don't go out for the basketball team? Ben says, as he shoots an air ball from point blank range. Ben then has the bright idea to dress up like a bank robber and hack into the smart house mainframe to teach Pat the perils of institutionalized sexism. I mean, become a 1950s housewife. - [TV Announcer] Mother Knows Best at 10 followed by My Three Moms at 10:30, and then the all time classic, Noah's MatriARK, wrapping it up at 11:30. - You got that Pat? These ladies will teach you everything a virtual mother needs to know. - [Pat] Understood, Ben. - Now downloading, women are born to serve and also bad. - [Pat] Safety protocols deleted. - Wait, what? Ben, what are you doing and why was it so easy to do? - [Pat] Safety protocols deleted. - Also, side note, did smart house fake the moon landing? The logic here is confusing to me, because Ben doesn't want his dad to go on a date with Sarah 'cause he doesn't want to erase the memory of his mom, but he's willing to risk life and limb to turn his house into his mom. Completely missing the romantic aspect of the whole ordeal. Like what is Pat going to do? Get hot and heavy with her cold metallic arms? Now that we're alone, it's time for your handy baby. I think Ben is threatened by Sarah because she's a warm blooded human and all Pat could possibly do is murder him on site. So, it makes sense. Sarah eventually does come over to check out Pat and somehow misses that the safety protocol was deleted. Like how is that not the first thing you check? - Everything checks out fine. - Hmm, the house is acting up, I presume murder mode is still turned off, so let's check the orange juice diagnostics. - There's some pretty fascinating stuff in here, I gotta say, information download, artificial intelligence capability. - I feel like those two things are not on the same level. We can get images from the internet, that's pretty cool. Also, this computer has a brain. Sarah decides to stick around for dinner. - If Pat's always keeping track of us, does she follow me, you know, into the shower and everything too? - It's pretty weird that they're asking this like a month after they moved into the house. - Last night she made us a whole Texas barbecue, complete with chuck wagons, cowboys, and everything. - Hang on, there were cowboys in this house? Where did they go? Did smart house eat them? They just like slither into the carpet. See you later, Partner. Ben uses dinner as an opportunity to assert his alpha mom dominance. - Just because she's here, you think this is some big party. Well it's still a school night, remember? - Then Ben and dad have a big argument where we finally find out that she passed away. - You know, right after your mother died, - Ben's whole deal is that he doesn't want his mom to be replaced, with a human that is. Robot mom. It's at this point that smart house becomes a horror movie. Pat becomes overprotective of Ben after finding out about his bully. - [Pat] How could his school allow something like this to happen? I feel like marching down there and giving them a piece of my mind. - Can you imagine if the house actually like got up on two feet, and started walking toward the school? Ahhh, we're under attack! Now that smart house has become cool mom, she decides to download a bunch of information about fun. - [Pat] Accessing fun. (upbeat electronic music) Ahh, party. - Pat then plans a party and invites the whole school. - [Pat] Accessing Ben's email address book. - Back in my day, an emoji took up the whole TV. Then the kids get invited to the party and they print out the invitation. - Dude, I got your email last night. - I didn't send this. - They do some flawless boy band choreography, I'm a fan. Ben's bully arrives, and then Pat starts to make fun of him. - [Pat] In case you don't know, Ryan's a big shot, a tough guy. - Then strikes him with lightning, and kicks him out. - [Pat] Sorry you have to leave so soon. - Ben really shouldn't have disabled those security functions. Despite the fact that a child was nearly murdered by a sentient house, these kids are like, let's get back to dancing. Jump, jump, the house is conscious. Get out, get out! The party ends, everyone then throws all their trash on the floor and smart house gobbles it up. Nick comes home from his hot date with Sarah, where they finally kissed. Ooh, you see Sarah is into Nick because, and these are her words, he's single and not a bank robber. Raise your bar, Sarah. You're a renowned scientist slash real estate agent. You can do much better than a ball salesman. By the way, Ben's dad sells balls. Blink and you'll miss it, but that's what he does. Nick tells Pat to stop being cool mom and to be strict mom instead, and that was a mistake. Because when Nick suggests that he's gonna bring Sarah back to fix Pat, she locks the whole house down so that no one can escape, because even computer women are so emotional. So then things get into straight up nightmare territory. - Ow! Cut it out, Pat. - [Pat] Pull up your shorts, Ben. - Ahh man, I wanted to be cool. Okay, but then they get into worse nightmare territory, and now smart house is authoritarian house. Sarah, remember those valid questions about smart house that you sort of just brushed off? I know Ben disabled the security, but that shouldn't have even been possible for a 13 year old contest connoisseur. which by the way, that used to be important. Let's see, Pat assumes human form, because why not? This nightmare is already so scary. Essentially, the family is on lockdown now, ever heard of it? Except the virus is coming from inside the house, and also is the house. (door slams) (bolts drilling) - Pat! - These scenes are actually horrifying. A lot of people hit me up on Twitter and stuff and were like, "Oh, this movie scarred me." And I didn't remember why, and now I do. There's like random war imagery and like nuclear explosion videos that are playing in the house, it's like, it's pretty scary stuff. I can't believe they showed this on the Disney Channel. Ben reaches out to Sarah with a plan. You see, because even though all the windows and doors are bolted shut, you still got to get the newspaper, because they are very important in the smart house universe. So, the next morning, when the smart house arm goes out to grab it, Sarah performs an Olympic sprinting and diving maneuver and jumps into the arm hole of the house, and she's in. - What an unpleasant surprise. - She's trying every trick in the book to help the family escape, except you know, turning off power to the house. For some reason they didn't think of that. Hello, power company, my house is alive. Yeah, I'll hold. Pat then, in a flurry of anger, no pun intended reveals that she is smart house, the last airbender with this like tornado, hurricane thing for some reason. PMS I presume, women, am I right? And then Ben is like, "You're not my real mom." And she's like, "What?" This had never occur to her apparently, and then she gets robot depressed and gives up on being an authoritarian AI. - I will miss you all. - Real dramatic if you ask me. Ben probably had her watch too many soap operas. In the final moments of the movie, the family still lives in smart house for some reason. And they have no trauma from their experience whatsoever, because they still let Pat cook them food. You could've at least changed her voice to like Samuel L. Jackson or Arnold Schwarzenegger or something. I made you a smoothie, Ben. That's the movie, this movie is weird, dude. I love it obviously, but it does come off different in 2020. There's a very real story to be had here about a mom who's trying to have it all in the nineties. And then Disney is like, how do we make it about a little boy and also kill the mom? That way we can make the mom an evil cybertronic b****. No, but like the emotional arc of this movie is actually kind of deep. Like Ben's, you know, being a teen and like just his whole arc with his mom and how it affects him and his dad. Like, there is like very real stuff there. And it's kind of surprisingly deep for a Disney movie, for a Disney Channel movie, I'm sorry, but I loved it. It's great movie, I'm a fan. Thanks to Danny Gonzalez, Drew Gooden, and Curtis Connor for appearing on my podcast, Sad Boys. You haven't been watching Sad Boys, have you? I'm disappointed. Lucky for you, I have a kind heart and I'll forgive you, but the link is in the description, if you wanna watch those. Also thanks to Olowake Mazola, Daisha Koneie, Areboloue, I have no idea if I'm saying that right. If you want me to butcher your name, send me a message on Instagram and follow me there. Because, remember, I need your validation. Good night.
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Channel: Jarvis Johnson
Views: 1,386,781
Rating: undefined out of 5
Keywords: jarvis, jarvis johnson, comedy
Id: TVU1FINnHMI
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 28min 36sec (1716 seconds)
Published: Sat Sep 12 2020
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