maybe stop going to parties?

hi there i'm jarvis and we're all going to die it's true technically i didn't i didn't say when there's a pandemic sweeping the nation and it's not the one you think kids everywhere are being affected by what experts are calling a brand new strain of fomo known as foam c the fear of missing clout foam seed is spreading like wildfire also the parties these kids are having are both wild and fire high i'm dead in all seriousness these young youtubers can't stop partying and in the words of og youtuber will smith parents just don't understand look these influencers can't seem to stay home and i think it's because the walls in their house are boring that's where today's sponsored display comes in display is a service that creates beautiful metal posters that could turn your boring walls into cool walls and for every disc plate sold they plant a tree so you're also helping the environment you mount disc plates to your wall with this fancy magnet thing and it's easy as staying home and not going to quarantine parties you won't even damage your wall there's a display designed for pretty much anything but just off the top of my head you could get a disc plate for a bulgarian snack cake slash or fearless leader the possibilities are endless using the link in my description you'll get 30 off your order so definitely do that i'm not saying the display will cure your need to party during quarantine but it will thanks again to display for sponsoring this video let's start with the young influencer that needs no introduction uh except for this one of me introducing him jake paul jake paul's 2020 has been excellent by all accounts a couple months ago he tweeted out that this had been his biggest year of growth and he'd learned so much about himself that he never knew it's okay to not have all the answers it's okay to fail it's okay to change who you are it's okay to not be right be patient great things are coming and boy was he wrong well he's right about a few things it is okay to not have all the answers like for example should you have a bunch of illegal guns in your mansion yes or no no see i would have gotten that one wrong he also took a valiant stance against youtube um for holding him accountable for his actions so that was cool to see let's not let youtube win here they do this to creators whenever they please whenever they see a risk whenever they want to protect themselves i'm one of youtubers riskiest creators and they're punishing me for it new videos that now always be plugging youtube has me shadow banned and won't push my videos to whoever is subscribed because the videos are unsuitable for their audience we're too much of a publicity risk for them i guess that's technically true but he's really missing the major point here that his videos are dangerous content he's not a good influence this stupid china shop won't let me a bull into it because i'm too much of a publicity risk for them i mean come on this is oppression so swipe up if you haven't seen this week's rated r video and let's not let youtube stop the movement what is the movement well you'll see a few short weeks later jake tweeted out grass so that should clear everything up youtube star jake paul has made a name for himself doing dangerous stunts but now he's being accused of putting scores of other people at risk more outrageous footage is emerging from an out of control party at a mansion in california the new video shows partygoers precariously dangling from an excavator then falling to the ground no one is wearing masks or social distances i can't help but think they're focusing on the wrong thing here footage of youtube celebrity jake paul's mansion party features guests being flung hundreds of feet in the air via human catapult to their eventual death and from the looks of it not a single person wash their hands bad bad clearly these people are being irresponsible you don't have to convince us of that also this video gives jake way too much credit it's called jake paul's seemingly not socially distant party criticized why did you have to cut him so much slack is this what journalism is based on the available footage we cannot empirically confirm or deny that social distancing was happening at the party but fortunately we've partnered with the mit mathematics department to get to the bottom of the case coming to you live from mit is our nerd correspondent carl carl thanks jevin those who are familiar with the lord of the rings films will be aware of peter jackson's masterful use of forced perspective these simple camera tricks allowed gandalf the grey to appear nine feet tall compared to his hobbit counterpart where is this going and we think jake may have employed similar tactics for his party now if you'll excuse me it's my turn on the excavator jevin thanks carl what fun now we can't say for sure but some think that jake paul's party is bad we reached out to the paul camp for comment and they simply replied grass back to you jarvis well that's a bit i enjoyed too much so to my knowledge jake paul hasn't responded to this except for when tyler oakley tweeted [ __ ] jake paul and jake retweeted it because i assume it makes him stronger well that and eating reese's puffs out of a shoe that's an influencer thing you probably wouldn't get it then this creator tanner fox who went to jake's party ended up testing positive for coronavirus and told jake about it and they're just like laughing like on the call and not taking it seriously i woke up and i felt a little bit off so i went and got a coven 19 test and it actually came back positive you're tripping i i don't know what to tell you i'm joking i'm really not joking right now man i swear i swear to god well eventually they take it seriously but it's a pretty weird look during the video someone in the background literally yells we don't care are you are you worried about it not really don't care so um the children are our future anyway enough of that old geezer let's talk about the new kids on the block um one of the largest party perpetrators uh one of the one of the largest party perps is the creator houses which almost exclusively refers to tick-tock creators you got hype house sway house haunted house cory in the house oh you've never heard of corey in the house it's a it's a tick-tock house exclusively for fans of disney channel in the mid-2000s pretty niche but the parties are sick what's that sound a cop no no that sound your tick tock house new tick tock house alert it's a good thing we installed that alarm because these tic-tac houses are multiplying at an alarming rate still that which brings me to alpha house a brand new creator house that launched a week ago in a pandemic so we're just we're just we're still making creator houses in a pandemic it seems now that's sick i'm dying alpha house was in the news recently because they broke the speed run record for fastest time from house creation to quarantine party they've apparently had a party almost every night according to neighbors and anonymous sources and apparently the last party they had had like 150 people so more like omega house am i right i hate watching these teens be sexy it feels so i don't want to be exposed to this don't ah stop it quit it so can stop new creator mansion alert the alpha house launched on saturday it's a six bedroom sprawling pad in the valley made up of all 17 year old and 18 year old influencers like is that a rule like if you're you're not 17 or 18 you're not allowed in alpha house what's supposed to that seems i mean that would be a little short-sighted if you ask me uh like what's supposed to happen next year is that like is that beta house's problem what about when somebody has a birthday do you have to like sit him down look tanner it's been a great six months with you here at alpha house but as today is your birthday uh now you must die i'm kind of jealous because it seems like they have like fraternities and stuff and they didn't even have to go to college back in my day if i wanted greek life uh i had to go to the parthenon history day we can't talk about these quarantine ragers without mentioning the house of hype itself there's this new york times article why influencers won't stop partying anytime soon that kind of chronicles all of the the influencer party shenanigans including the fact that none of these people are wearing masks so first things first you know pretty much everybody was there uh emma chamberlain james charles the uh demilio sisters the sway boys everybody knows them hype house has become notorious for their quarantine ragers in fact they they blazed the trail of of partying without masks watch out parents these kids are a bad influence this article is full of these kids making excuses for why they're partying with hundreds of people the worst of which is that this is their job come on come on we gotta go to the party our fans wanna see us die thomas petru who i think is the founder of hype house is 21. so you wouldn't survive a day in alpha house our jobs are to entertain people we live with groups of people and we're all intertwined with work we can't put our entire lives on hold for a year and not make any money i know this guy is 21 but he may as well be a 16 year old bobby tarantino because this is some straight up teen logic it's not just fun it's work too mr petru said while doing a keg stand why does he think his options are have a party with hundreds of people or starve to death you said right here you live with groups of people so just make content with them you don't want to be riding with the sway boys because from the looks of it they don't even practice proper seat belt safety i kind of get that it would feel like you're putting your life on hold if you stopped partying uh but what you have to understand is that if you keep partying you may be putting other people's lives on stop and and this is just a little business tip you don't make money if you die so something to keep in mind the youtuber jake paul recently hosted an event at his home in calabasas where guests swung from construction machinery we know about that one we got sway gaming on monday and the nelk boys on tuesday why does sway gaming and the nelfboy sound like a 1940s gang from a john mullaney joke and if anyone asks tell him it was sway gaming and then elk boys so i don't know any of these people i don't know the names of the houses clearly i don't know the names of the influencers clearly i guess i gotta i guess i gotta brush up on this a bit but i looked up sway gaming because i was confused right like there's a sway gaming house and a sway house but it seems like the suede gaming house is a house where people host parties and uh don't play games at all now you may be thinking are these parties lan parties no nerd they're cool parties which i know a lot about they have pizza and like no moms so from looking into it it seems like sway gaming is just trying to like clout chase on the name of sway house because it has nothing to do with them as far as i know and it was created by the dude who runs the reaction time channel so that's weird if you go to the sway gaming website it they tell you that they need to preform maintenance so what i can say for sure is that they're not spilling in that house so then i looked up the nelk boys because i was curious and where do i start um well first off they're canadian so you know drake's a fan the nut boys are pictured here i presume shortly after beating up a bunch of best buy employees and stealing their uniform since since the pandemic began the milk boys have been traveling the country spreading pranks and coronavirus but don't judge them too quickly because they've also got a social justice side to them for example they have courageously used their inalienable right to protest uh what are they protesting uh they're protesting the closure of gyms what a great cause so i've never heard of the knelt boys before and holy [ __ ] they suck who am i what am i doing should i hate you should i not somebody better give this guy what he wants or else he's going to eat the other nut boys this is your protest for gyms first of all this is terrifying if i saw this coming down the street i would run the other way also how do you even have this idea bro you know what's the biggest problem in the world right now corona oh no i yeah i was to say that i was inspired by all these protests that are going on about like i don't know black lives or something i don't like where this is going what if we had our own protest nay a protest cause it's unhealthy to stay at home all day yeah but i'm pretty sure covet is worse shut up devin we'll wear a mask sometimes anyway in this video knelt boy fred flintstone impersonator steve will do it and his friend slash trainer bradley who is uh best known by me for wearing a bikini for dan bilzerian staged this protest to like keep bradley's gym open protest that jim should open back up don't back up if you're wondering why this gym is open it's cause brad sees a pandemic and says he sees money signs so no no it's dumb bradley's like a big influencer and [ __ ] like come on i don't even know what you're supposed to do at a broad test but apparently it's binge drink on the street like it's [ __ ] mardi gras at one point in this video he shot guns a white claw in what must be the most confusing show of toxic masculinity i've ever seen also the videos about the protest are somehow worse than the protests itself they're full of jokes making light of sexual assault of course hilarious bro it's so perfect too he's so used to doing it like on dresses and skirts and [ __ ] assault of your own employees she's really pissing me off i gotta take out my anger i gotta take him yeah so you get dumb assistant operating around the token black guy which makes me uncomfortable bradley check out his sign what do you think oh that's dope oh and more sex crime humor or what those with a more refined palette may call vintage 2012 shane dawson right now we're here at brad's podcast room it's his own personal gym island it's sound proof yeah and then he goes on to make a joke about an underage victim so it's really top shelf stuff i don't have enough time to get into everything wrong with this video but it's the most broly content i've ever seen it's safe to say that the nelk boys are up to their kneels in quarantine festivities knocked out but this video did teach me something it taught me that you can make any word toxic by adding the word bro to it uh excuse me hey bro can you point me to the bro do section doctor call me brochter rocter i'm here for my bro state exam bad news babe i just found out i was laid off i don't know how i'm going to provide for our family oh what's that i've been rehired scratch that babe i was rehired let's kick back tonight and watch an episode of property brothers yay a happy ending that was getting too real so the nuff boys were at all these parties and there's more than just the one i just got distracted and we don't have time a bunch of influencers have already apologized for showing up at these parties because everyone got mad at them and their pr people told them to because it's not like they've stopped partying there's a quote in this article from a 25 year old creator who is basically a senior citizen by alpha house standards i presume they interviewed him in a nursing home it's like covet isn't a thing when we're at them he said he said he tries to stay responsible how you go to the parties but you try to stay responsible what are you just like in a corner i'm just here for that cloud ah six feet anyway he says that people are just apologizing to save face because they show up at the parties next weekend so this old man has a point on the bright side some people uh are seeing the light dixie dimlio who seems perfectly nice has said that people shouldn't be going to these parties so that's neat now this was a few days after her own birthday party but uh she's 19 now so she's matured enough to know that these parties are a bad idea let's raise a dixie cup to you not everybody's apologizing to save face nope nope some of these little rabble rousers are like [ __ ] you humanity i'm gonna celebrate my 21st birthday if it's the last thing i do literally i'm willing to put everyone else at risk because my brain is still developing and i'm baby the widow baby in question here is bryce hall of house sway first of his name purveyor of merch guardian of likes ticker of talks apparently he had a huge 21st birthday bonanza a week ago so we've already been knee-deep into shaming influencers for partying this man truly does not give a [ __ ] or at least that's what he wants you to think because it seems like his whole brand is trying really really hard to make you think that he doesn't care paparazzi asked me but i did i'm kind of like a really honest guy remember i practice authenticity dude everything that i post is real completely uh which is cool let's go i like that what do you guys think about bryce's party because a lot of people were saying that he might have like had too many people over i mean no comments it's 21st i mean i'm not saying i agree with it but this is 21st dude hard to argue with that i mean it is true everybody came to this mother's party uh obviously the nelk boys were there faze banks was there of course always got to invite him weirdly harry from too hot to handle was there i uh i presume he was there to yell crikey and uh make plans for brunch crikey and then boom girls come over like let's go let's go get some fronts this party was a rager man they had they had male strippers dressed as cops uh which is a little tasteless right now i mean read the room um and then the actual cop showed up so you know that must have been awkward a little like a real-life spider-man meme huh it's always weird it's always weird to see your co-workers in their personal lives what happened to bryce well nothing initially except where he started like beefing with the city of los angeles first i want to talk about why people are going to these parties and the short answer is uh i don't know like not fearing any consequences and the clout if your whole brand is is living out a reality show in real life then you can't you can't stop you can't stop for a pandemic there's no there's no pandemic episodes of the real housewives i guess they are doing the bachelor so maybe there is a safer way to do this there's cloud to be gained there's beef to start merch to sell now how else are you going to move move units bryce has 21st birthday merch how else is he going to make those sales now it's a collector's item i assume i just dropped no i didn't drop merch it's actually dropping on my birthday this is the birthday merch everybody go cop it on my birthday august 14th you see the boys flexing out they look sexy they look great and they look [ __ ] lavish boys if you wear the merch you actually immediately get swole because games look at this dude you think i had this before i [ __ ] started wearing it man i need to get into the merch game i want to make a video of me like standing up with all my boys in the background doing absolutely nothing while i promote my merch so maybe i should just give it a go next time you're thinking of going to an influencer party don't but if you do do it with a trying my best face mask trying my best face masks all my boys love it there are laws right like this is not legal i just don't understand why they're allowed to keep gathering like this because uh isn't it a public health risk i'm no epidemiologist but like uh it seems like someone should step in to stop these kids who clearly don't care i keep saying kids but this buff guy is 31 like bro what are you doing here the mayor of la has threatened to turn off water and power at these creator houses if they keep partying but nothing has happened yet which i presume is because the mayor wants to find out if addison and bryce are going to get back together breaking news alert the power has been shut off and bryce hall said suddenly the turns have tabled so he's he's taking it he's taking it very very seriously i mean we deserve it it is illegal but we deserve it oh okay but we still do live in the dark times because he he doesn't have coronavirus congrats congrats man and now everybody in the replies is like now everybody can stop stop getting on you because it was getting annoying whoever hates him y'all are clowns it's not we don't it wasn't about whether or not he had coronavirus we're not supposed to social distancing don't have parties right now it doesn't matter oh you're missing the point children yeah i get how tough it could be to be a kid right now um i mean i keep saying kid but some of these people are not that much younger than me but anyway the point isn't whether or not this particular person has covid and uh it's not about whether or not this is bad like we know it's bad everyone knows it's bad they're still doing it anyway and that's the problem anyway i'm not going to solve the world's problems here uh this situation is still developing um i just hope that we can you know we can look out for one another or something sentimental ending nice announcement alert other than the face mask thing i have a podcast it's called sad voice it's a comedy podcast about feelings we just had internet heartthrob d'angelo wallace on the show which is super cool but definitely check that out i'll leave some links in the description our next guest is the one and only dana gonzalez and uh it was a super fun time so look out for that one thanks to theophilia and rogaski which is the great grandmother of the person who sent me this message i i'm pretty sure i said it exactly perfectly correctly but if you want me to butcher your name or pronounce it impeccably then send me a message on instagram or twitter alright that's all i have goodbye

Channel: Jarvis Johnson

Views: 995,698

Rating: 4.9528198 out of 5

Keywords: jarvis, jarvis johnson, comedy

Id: Im5zHZV37rU

Length: 22min 45sec (1365 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 25 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

JARVIS: You didn't censor two swear words at 13:40-13:50. Not offended or anything, I just don't want you to get demonetized over shitty rules.

[u/ForbiddenByZeffo]

Mods make sure you pin this