This footage changed me

[Music] hey guys what's up and welcome back to my channel i apologize in advance if i seem kind of off but i've been having like crazy anxiety all day so this is my way to try and focus on something so if i sound jumbled and weird that's my tea today i guess today i want to talk about something that i've wanted to talk about for a while but i was a little bit afraid because i felt kind of ridiculous about it the reason why i'm talking about this now is that on tick tock there is a video circulating of a person shooting themselves and effectively dying and i don't really want to talk about that person because it's their business like i just feel like it's disrespectful to talk about that now the only thing i am going to show is before any of the video starts like there's nothing gory here i'm just going to show a picture of the person before they commit the act because on tick tock people have been putting this clip in like compilations of calming videos or like i've heard also animal videos so you're gonna be watching a cute cat video and then that will pop up so i just want to put the screen of what he looks like before he does anything so as soon as you see that you scroll the reason why i'm mentioning that is because i kind of want to talk about an experience that i had and i think people might be able to get something from it because i wish someone had told me this prior though i guess i couldn't really avoid it i'll get to it not so long ago really there was the new zealand shooting one thing about the new zealand shooting that was different than other ones was that the shooter was wearing a camera someone i was friends with at the time sent me footage of the shooting without telling me that that's what it was so they sent me footage of the shooting without telling me that that's what it was and that person and i were friends at the time and we'd send memes and stupid [ __ ] like regular ass people so when they sent me a link there was no reason for me to have any suspicion to be completely transparent i have never been the type to look at any type of gore that is just not something i've ever done so i don't know if that's maybe why it affected me more but essentially what happened was that i clicked the link and i saw the first person footage that the shooter had where they were like shooting people clean of the head amongst other things like the screams of terror it was just a lot and i remember after i saw that footage luckily jacob was at home and i went downstairs and my whole body was shaking like a leaf my heart was pounding and i think the reason why i even watched the amount i watched is that i felt like i was in shock like i didn't realize what i was watching first of all because i don't even know how aware i was that the shooter had a camera like i knew about what happened but i didn't know that he had that so like i think it took me a second to be like jesus christ what am i seeing right now and then you internalize the fact that you are seeing actual real people lose their lives which is something that i really truly don't wish on anyone because what occurred after that was something that i really never predicted would happen and i'm i promise i'm not trying to be dramatic or ridiculous here but i feel kind of stupid if someone else said that this was their experience i wouldn't say they were stupid but because it's me i tend to kind of minimize my experiences and you know whatever self-deprecation the house so what ended up happening is from that precise day on i started to have severe severe phobia of home invasion and home invasion is a pretty typical fear like it's normal nobody wants someone to storm into your house and potentially hurt you but it turned into something way more severe than that it wasn't just like taking precautions being safe it was more like i would lose sleep over it my therapist and psychiatrist personally think that my panic disorder kind of started there because that's when i started having these kind of obsessions with the fact that sometimes i'd be upstairs there was no reason for me to panic or think anything was wrong and for some reason i'd hear like a small noise which very well could have been my dog mind you and i would go into freak out mode where i would lock my door i would message jacob say there's someone in the house there's someone in the house and there obviously never was anyone in the house but it got to the point where i really had this hyper fixation that someone was going to come in the house with a gun which is the central point that my therapist and psychiatrist thought you know like maybe that gave you some kind of trauma because prior to that i wasn't more afraid than the average person i personally own guns myself because i like going to the shooting range or did before the rona um and of course it doubles as home protection also because death threats and um at this time there were other things going on in my life i had gotten a few death threats that actually concerned me and i had seen someone stalking my apartment at the time so let's just say that me seeing the shooting footage aligned with a lot of other things my psychiatrist and my therapist both deemed that i had been like secondhand traumatized by it and that i already had ptsd before but they thought i had some kind of form of ptsd i didn't really push for a diagnosis or something on paper because i just knew that that had a negative effect on me and having a diagnosis didn't matter as much as i just wanted them to validate the fact that it did have some kind of traumatic effect and i don't use the word trauma lightly i don't think i ever really use it unless it's really accurate and they both use that term the reason i'm telling you this story isn't to be like oh poor julia because like truly no but it's more for people who might have morbid curiosity because you know in some ways i think humans are kind of created in such a way where you know that something's terrible but you also want to look kind of similarly to you know when car accidents occur people just stare but here it's like the extreme version of that where if you watch it it might do something irreparable to you and i don't mean that to be like really grim or whatever like you can fix things with therapy blah blah but still it will put you through an experience that i truly don't really wish on anyone and aside from that this was over a year ago at this point my concept of time is truly gone so i apologize but it's been over a year and i'm still dealing with really pretty terrible and pretty severe symptoms i mean i don't really want to go into detail because it's truly kind of embarrassing for me but i literally do sweeps of my house with my husband both of us armed just to check that there's no one in the house because as soon as i hear a noise i associate it with someone's broken in someone's arm someone has a gun something's gonna happen to me which is first of all irrational as hell but also i live in a safe area so it's like there's no reason to jump to that conclusion but because of what i saw it's almost like i internalized that something terrible is gonna happen to me which if you have panic disorder and anxiety that is not a good cocktail truly it is not a good cocktail i've been having pretty bad panic attacks to the point where i almost went to the er again thinking i was having strokes um like i said prior being 51 50. there's just like a lot of things and i'm not saying seeing that footage is the only thing i'm just saying seeing that footage put me onto a trajectory along with my other you know mental hang-ups or whatever it put me on a trajectory towards i don't necessarily want to say pain but truly just on a trajectory i didn't think i'd be on also because not to toot my own horn at all but i think one of the few things i have is that i have a strong gut in the sense of i've seen some [ __ ] i obviously talk about pedophiles all the time so it's like i feel like i am pretty solid in a lot of ways in terms of alarming content but there's there's no preparation for seeing something like that there's nothing that will ever make it really okay for you to see something like that there's in my opinion there's not really a mental block you can put between yourself and seeing people get shot that will make it that you're not in some way traumatized obviously to varying degrees based on your life experiences needless to say i'm taking the appropriate measures i am reading material that is particular to my mental illnesses and you know the whole shooting trauma type thing whatever you want to call it i am reaching out to medical professionals to help me kind of get it under control because it has really been altering the way i live my life this is actually i'm laughing because it's actually terrible but while i was editing a sponsored video that i had to send out so i had a hard deadline i actually had one of those moments where i heard a noise and immediately froze and thought oh my god someone's in the house someone has a gun someone's gonna shoot me and going through that whole thing and i actually had to stop filming a video where i ironically mentioned my fear of home invasions but because i was so paranoid i was scared to put headphones on because i thought oh my god if i put headphones on and someone comes in and someone has a gun i might not hear them creep up on me and you know like [ __ ] that i say right now and no full-on it's like it's irrational but i think what happens and i'm sure plenty of people can relate to this when you have a panic attack or generally even anxiety about something even though your rational head will tell you hey this is not a reflection of reality this is emotionally based you're not really looking at what's real versus what you feel if your body doesn't calm down if you keep having heart palpitations you don't calm down because even though your brain's like chill everything's good your body's just like no no you're in a state of danger like something's wrong something's wrong something's wrong to the point where a lot of people myself included because of my mental state all go into oh my god what if my body is sensing something my mind isn't and again most of the time that's irrational but once you're in it it's like a loop and a vicious cycle that you can't just be like oh yeah i'm done with this anxiety and paranoia like we're all totally good which i wish it worked that way so anyway this kind of weird depressing ass story time it's not even a story time as much as my experience but the reason i'm making this video is because i really want people to be alert online and i know most people don't randomly click links but the thing is sometimes those links come from people you trust and for that reason you stop having your guard up and this is not to say don't trust anyone but it's just a question of being aware and i wish i'd been more aware i wish i would have checked what the link said prior to clicking on it but you know when it's from a friend you don't really question things too much because why would they do that especially with this tick tock thing going on i just figured i would mention that if you have a morbid curiosity truly i cannot emphasize enough the need to stop yourself from clicking on it because it will not be the same after and i don't mean that to be like scary or dramatic but truly that is how i think thank you for watching if you watched until the end i'm sorry if this was boring and kind of downer but i do think it's necessary because it did cause a significant amount of difficulty for me and still does to this day i don't want any of you to have to deal with that especially because not everyone has access to you know mental health help so i wouldn't want anyone to kind of be fighting that alone thank you guys so much for watching thank you to my patrons as always and i'll catch you guys next time [Music] you

Channel: READY TO GLARE

Views: 464,246

Rating: 4.955595 out of 5

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Id: dzqxPMrMjjc

Length: 12min 46sec (766 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 09 2020