♪♪ ♪♪ -It sure is beautiful here,
Walter. -I told you, there's no finer
place to be in winter than the north woods,
and no finer hosts than my dear colleagues
from the university days. -Ohh! -I hear stirring. I guess they've woken
from their nap. -Ah, Walter, Margarite. Forgive us for being late
to the dinner hour. We only meant to lie down
for a moment. -Word of advice -- beware when you lay on a feather
bed at twilight's glow. [ Both laugh ] -Ah, do I hear the gentle laugh
of my lover? Yes, I apologize. What started
as a short winter's cat nap accidentally turned into full-fledged session
of lovemaking. -Foreplay begins with tongue
flicks and finger strokes... -Quickly accelerating
to Polynesian soul kisses and gyrating haunches. [ Laughter ] -I told my lover guests are
waiting downstairs hearth side, but he would none of it. He insisted on a full 91 minutes
of after play, leaving parts raw from overuse.
-Charming. You'll never meet two people
more in love than Roger and Virginia. They always smell like
they've just made love. -Yeah, it seems that way. -Oh, may I pour brandy
spiced with cinnamon? -Delightful. Delightful.
-Wonderful. -Ah, then it's settled --
four brandies. Ahhhhhhhh. Ahh, so, Walter, Margarite, tell
me -- How is your lovemaking? -Ooh, delicious. -[ Gasps ] Walter. -Margarite appears confident
and self-possessed, yet she needs
much gentle coaxing. -Mmmmm.
-Mmmmm. -The first time we made love was
on Saint Crispin's Day. We'd been colleagues
for three months, and I invited her to my home in
the off-campus faculty quarters, ostensibly to discuss
the lost gold of Tutankhamun. -Of course.
-Of course. -After consuming nearly
three pounds of pate and other spreadable meats,
she whispered in my ear, her breath rich with a heady
scent of goose liver that she desired to make love. I will tell you
that though she was willing, she made not a peep throughout
our entire lovemaking session. -Ahhhh.
-Ahhhh. -Walter, what are you
telling them this for? -Yes, Margarite was silent as
the tomb of Tutankhamun himself, yet her face contorted in a grinning rictus
of pleasure throughout. Really, she made
more expressions than Jim Carrey
in "Ace Ventura." -I cannot believe you are
telling them this. -What?
-Fear not, Margarite. I remember the first time
Virginia and I made love. I cried out with such gusto that a neighbor reported a gay
slaying was being committed. -Yes, the policeman
received quite a surprise when he caught us
in flagrante delicto. -And your glistening body was
flagrantly delectable. [ Laughter ] -Oh! Oh!
-Ah! Ah! -Well, tomorrow, we shall start
your weekend activities with a trek up to
Sheffield's Notch by Snowshoe. -Oh, that sounds fun. At least we'll all be bundled up
and fully clothed, right? [ Both laugh ] -No. Walter, when you're done with
your brandy, we must all move on
to caipirinhas. [ Laughter ] -What's so funny? -You see,
when we finished university, we took a trip down
to Rio de Janeiro to study the Yanomami tribe. -Yes. The time was February,
which, as everyone knows, is Carnival. As midnight approached,
we found ourselves on the beach, drinking the local specialty,
the caipirinha. -Made with a cane liquor
known as cachaça. -Drums pounded
as the locals indulged in handfuls of sumptuous
pork loin roasted on wood fires. -I tell you, Margarite,
the drum beat possessed my soul as I smeared myself
with pork grease, fashioned a crude thong out of
my adult-size Hanes underwear, and danced like
my ancient tribal ancestors. -Hmm. Let it be known
that I, too, fashioned
a crude homemade thong. -Yes.
-Oh, Walter, don't tell me. -Bingo. Homemade thong. -As the drums continued
to pound... -Bodies commingled... -Until I knew not where I ended
and others began. -And then,
right there on the beach, we took part in the ancient
and sacred love ritual known as "waksaniko," or "circle yank." -T'would be the first of many! -All right, you know what?
That's it. I'm leaving.
-Lover, what? -You know what?
Don't "lover" me. -But we have dinner.
-No, you know what? I don't think
I'm ever gonna eat again now that I've pictured
the three of you on a beach with tight-whities
shoved up your sandy cracks. -Lover! Wait! I've chosen yet another feisty
and tempestuous lover. I must chase after her,
for she is my ride. -Goodbye, Walter. -As ever. As ever.
-As ever. As ever. -He really needs to invest
in his own vehicle. -Mm.
-Mm. -Uh, Roger, Margarite's fiery
temper and talk of waksaniko has made me again yearn
for my lover's touch. -Oh, my lover is insatiable. Come, let us make winter's love. -Do you think
your back will be okay? -Definitely. The exercises have
really been helping. -Oh, lover.
-Ow. My back. -But, what?
-My -- My back. -But I thought you said
the exercises were helping. -Well, they're not!
Now get the hell off me! -Virginia, these cookies
are delicious! Is that anise that I taste
in there? -The licorice flavor you taste is from a spice
known as "anise." -Yeah, that's --
that's what I said. -Quick! I hear the car
of my lover! His Subaru has pulled up
the driveway! Everyone to your hiding areas!
Be swift! Be swift! -Hello, Virginia? I rented "Sister Act." -Surprise! Happy birthday! -Oh, what a splendid surprise! -Happy 47th birthday, lover! -Ohh, wonderful. -Have I pleased you, lover? -Ah, indeed. Ah! Look who's here, my
colleagues, teaching assistants. Hello! And that Asian man
from the library! Oh. Oh, I'm indeed
a rich, rich man. And dare I not forget you,
Virginia, my companion, my confidant,
my lover. -Hold soft, lover.
Another surprise awaits. -No, but I have all a man
could ask for. What do you have for me next,
sweet charro wine? -A surprise guest has been
hiding in the laundry room and waiting
for the appropriate signal. Kookaroo! Kookaroo!
Ca-caw! Kookaroo! -Oh, no!
It can't be my dearest friend from university, John Wellicks! -Ah, happy 47th birthday, Roger. -Ah, John and Roger were
roommates at university. -Yes. -We started an improvisational
comedy troop together. -Yes, they called themselves
"Tequila Mockingbird." -Do you get it, everyone?
Tequila Mockingbird! -Yeah. Yeah, we get it. -Wonderful. -Ahh, so, John, I see
you still walk with a cane. -Yes, I still walk
with cane's aid. -And tell us, John,
do you still have night frights concerning your fall? -Does she mean nightmares? -Yes, even though
the incident took place over two decades hence, I'm
still plague'd by night frights. -Yeah, I think
they mean nightmares. -Please, all, gather close
to hear the tale of my lady. -Yes, gather close. Closer. Gather. -Gather close.
-Don't be shy. -One summer, myself, Virginia,
and my former roommate Roger were traveling by bicycle
through the Irish countryside when we stopped
by the Cliffs of Shaughnessy for a picnic of pickled eggs
and sausages. -The Cliffs of Shaughnessy is
our most favorite spot for out of doors lovemaking
in all of Europe. -Mm, ahhh! Ahhh! -Roger and I wasted no time
eagerly spreading out on the dewy grass to commence the act of lovemaking
immediately. -Methinks I heard
the Celtic druids laugh with pleasure not once,
but twice. -Being sans lover,
I crossed the meadow to give Rog and Virg
their privacy, but the sight of their roiling,
convulsing bodies against the emerald hills
turned my thoughts to onanism. -Is that --
-Yeah. -And, so, you can all imagine
what came next. I began to play with my balls. -Self pleasure, the lost art. -My ministrations were glorious, such that at the height
of my pleasure, I lost my footing
on the dewy grass and plummeted 18 feet
to the rocky crag below. -At first, we mistook his cries
of pain for moans of pleasure and did not seek
medical attention until the next morning.
-Yeah. -Though my leg was
forever disfigured, that incident is the greatest
achievement of my life -- The free-fall release. -Please, all,
gather at the dining hutch where you'll find all
of Roger's favorite foods -- succulent hams,
spiced lamb shanks, roast goose,
and Grecian moussaka. -Ahh! Really? Ahh! -Each piece of food intended
for my lover's tongue has been tenderly handled
over and over again by my deft
and flickering fingers. [ Both moaning ] -Friends. Friends, Asian man
from the library, come. Gather to watch as my lover
hand feeds me. [ Both moaning ] -I got to get in on this. -Please. -You know what? I think
we're just gonna take off here. -We're good.
-Happy birthday, now. -People are leaving! -Oh, so soon? Bye! -Would you two like to be alone. -No, nonsense.
The party's just beginning. -We are going to make
birthday love. It would mean so much
if you'd watch. -I would be honored. -To the hot tub, then. -As long as it's not
too high up. [ Laughter ] -Come, lover. Carry me possum-like
into the night. -Ow, my back.
-What? -You know I have a bad back.
-But I thought -- -Well, you thought wrong!
Get the hell off me! -Well, he said the room will be
ready in about 15 minutes. -Great. That was
a long drive, huh? -Yeah. Yeah.
-Wow. -Ooh. Hello. Um, excuse me. I was wondering -- Is there room for two more
lovers at hearth's edge? -Uh...I'm sorry? -May we join you
at hearth's edge? -Oh, yeah, sure. I'm sorry. Yeah, we're just waiting
for our room. -Fine. Ohh.
Forgive me. My name is
Professor Roger Clarven, and this is my wife,
Professor Virginia Clarven. -Hello.
-I'm Mike. This is Julie. -Hello.
-Hello. -Ahh. Nothing caps off a day
of skiing better than warm fire, a cup of mulled wine, and the heat projected
from my lover's loin space. -Nature hath no hotter furnace,
eh, lover? -So, uh, the skiing was good? -Oh, exquisite. Tell me -- Have you inned
at Bear Claw Lodge before? -Uh...no. No, we haven't.
This is our first time. -Oh. My lover and I
frequent Bear Claw Lodge during cold months. We find the four-poster beds,
downy pillows, and wide availability
of adult cable channels absolutely perfect
for winter lovemaking. -Oh, yeah. -Oh, and you mustn't miss the
highlight of Bear Claw Lodge. The proprietor,
William Mark Jasper's midnight roast goose fondues. -Ahh, yes. -We read that in the brochure.
-Yeah, we did. -Roger! Virginia! -William Mark! Ohh! -Are you telling my new guests
about the midnight feast? -[ Laughs ] Indeed! -Oh, it's quite special. On Saturday, midnight, we
all gather here at hearth space and wait eagerly to dip hunks
of goose meat into sputtering pots
of hot oil. With bellies engorged,
guests trundle up to their respective rooms, the goose fat shining
off their faces, serving to lubricate
hot lovers' kisses. -When I see the savory juices
run down my lover's chin... -Ahh.
-...and through his pasture of chest hair...
-Ahh. -...my tongue anticipates
the delicious mixture of chest hair...
-Ahh. -...chin sweat...
-Ahh. -...and goose juice.
-Ahh. -Um, do you think
our room is ready? -Any minute now. You'll be staying
in the Red Maple Room. [ Both laugh ] -The Red Maple Room!
-The Red Maple Room! -What's so funny? -We are in
the White Birch Suite. [ Laughter ] -I-I don't get it. -You have the only two adjoining
rooms in the inn. -Yeah. Luckily, you shan't need
for a wake-up call for Virginia and I always engage
in morning lovemaking, and I climax very loudly at
exactly 7:00 a.m. each morning. -Oh, wow.
[ Chuckles ] Are there other inns
in the area? [ Laughter ] -No.
-No.
-No. -You know, I met Roger
and Virginia on the slopes 20 years ago. -Oh, is that our room key? -I was playing the banjo
in one of the local taverns, and I must confess
I was slightly tipsy, for I'd had more than my share
of Cointreau. -Ahh, sweet Cointreau. -A young woman approached me
dressed in an elven cloak, speaking in a British accent. -I was into role playing
at the time. -She asked me if I would play
banjo for her in privacy. We came back to her room
at this very inn, and the flickerings
of my fingers soon wandered from the curves of the banjo to the curves
of Virginia's nubile body. -His fingering was expert. -All the while,
I sat in a broke down Subaru dressed in a wizard's costume, waiting for a tow truck
to bring a new fan belt. -When Roger finally arrived
in his wizard's costume, he joined in with such gusto that the Red Maple Room
never smelled quite the same. -You know what?
I think we're gonna go. -Yeah. I saw a HoJo's
back about two -- -Nonsense!
-No! No! No! -The weary lovers deserve to dip
in our hot, soothing hot tub. -Oh, okay. -Yeah, a hot tub does
sound nice. -Yeah, that sound great. -We just climbed out of it
ourselves. -Sorry about all the hair. Come here, lover. Let me make love to you
at hearth's edge. -Oh, you're a most adventurous
lover, Roger. -Mm, yes. Uh...I'm on fire. I'm on fire!
-Oh, lover, so am I. -No, I'm actually on fire!
Are you stupid?! Get the hell off me!
I'm on fire!
"At this point in the soak, my lovah and I crave spiced meat."
This beats the hell out of current-gen SNL.
Someday hopefully they will meet The Zimmermans.