♪♪ ♪♪ -Oh, my God.
I can't believe we stole the Communion wine. -We would have gotten
the wafers, too, if they hadn't fallen
out of your bra. -Shut up, I'm just gettin'
a good buzz going. -Do you think Jesus saw us? -Where is this chick?
Read that note again. -Okay. "Dear Black Angels,
I wanna be in your gang. Meet me in the lavatory
after choir practice. Sincerely,
Little Miss Tough Cookie." -[ Scoffs ]
Who in this school thinks they're tough enough
to be a Black Angel? -Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Mary Katherine -- Mary Katherine Gallagher. [ Laughter and applause ] -You want to be
in the Black Angels? -Why would we put
a dork like you in our vicious gang?
-Okay. Because ever since I saw
"The Patty Hearst Story" on TNT, I knew I wanted to be
a bad girl. -You want to be one of us?
-Yeah. -Then you got to prove
you can be an A-1 badass. -Okay.
-You're about as badass as a Hello, Kitty purse.
[ Laughter ] -Really? Well, maybe
a little demonstration would help change your mind,
huh? Huh? Hi-ya! Yah! Yah! Hi-ya! They call me the Tamponator. [ Laughter ] -That -- that was pretty good. -Oh, my God,
I just swallowed my gum. -To be in the Black Angels,
spaz, you gotta be initiated. -Okay. -You gotta do
three mortal sins in three minutes. -Number one, you gotta drink water
out of the toilet. -Okay.
-[ Laughs ] Yeah. -I'll be on the lookout. [ Lapping water ] -Okay. -How did that feel? -It felt okay.
I've done it before. [ Laughter ] -Freaky. -Hey, you guys,
Sister Harriet's coming. -Okay, okay! The next sin is,
you've got to insult a nun. Come on, girls!
In the clubhouse! -Mary Katherine,
have you seen Nikki Donahue and her two friends? Very well, then. Don't forget,
Jesus loves clean hands. -Okay.
Hey, Sister? I bet you have
a real hairy ass. [ Barking ]
-Good heavens! -[ Barking ] [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] -What the... -I can't believe
you did that. -Oh, my God, Sister Harriet
has a hairy ass? You guys! -You still got
one more sin to commit, girlie, so here's the deal. China's gonna pull in
the next guy that comes down the hall,
and you've got to make out with him hard. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah. -[ Panting ] -Ooh, you scared, wiener? -Okay.
I'm an asthmatic, so if you're going to dunk
my head in the commode, may I please take a hit
off my inhaler? -Oh, oh, we're gonna
take your breath away, all right. Mary Katherine, do it. -Hey.
-Hi. -How are you?
-Okay? -Okay.
You good? -Yeah. -Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! -[ Shuddering ] My "Babylon 5"
Internet chat room is never gonna believe this! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! -So, am I in the Black Angels
now? -Ha, ha!
[ Laughter ] News flash, queer...
-Yeah! -You ain't never gonna be
a Black Angel. -Yeah, dream on, headband! -How do you like that, B.O.? -Well, my feelings would be best expressed
in a monologue from the made-for-TV movie "Long Island Lolita, the Amy Fisher Story." And in this monologue,
I will be playing the part of the victimized
yet resilient Miss Mary Jo Buttafuoco. [ Piano music playing ] You think you're tough, huh? You think -- you think -- you think that I'm afraid of
you, little Amy Fisher? Is that what you think?
Huh? Huh? You think I'm just like a little
housewife or something? Is that what you think?
Huh? Well, take a good,
long look again, 'cause you just stepped
into hell, baby! [ Laughter ] I dare you to step
on this porch again, because if you do,
I will kick your slutty little ass
across this town, you little whore! Go ahead, shoot me
in the head again. I dare ya. I dare ya. I dare ya. 'Cause if I spot
your fat little pig's face on my property again,
I swear to God I'll take my two bare hands
and I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya!
I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya!
I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya. I'll kill ya. I'll kill ya! I'll...kill ya! I'll... I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya. -I'll kill ya.
-Stop! -Okay!
-Jeez! -I'll kill ya.
-Here, don't cut me. [ Muttering ] -What on Earth
happened here? Mary Katherine Gallagher,
did you do this? -Yeah.
What's it to you, collar? [ Laughter ] -Young lady,
you are in a lot of trouble. -Oh, yeah? Black Angel! Ah!
[ Cheers and applause ] -Catastrophe. C-A-T-A-S-T-R-O-P-H-E. Catastrophe.
-That is correct! -Whoo! Yes! Look out, St. Monica. The Spellmaster is in the house. [ Robot noises ] -Terrific. I love -- L-O-V-E -- spelling. Okay, we've got our three
finalists -- Sean Patrick Flannery. -I prefer Spellmaster,
Mr. Frye. -Okay. We also have Shelly Peterbuilt. -Oh, my God.
-And... -Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Mary Katherine Gallagher. Mary Katherine Gallagher.
[ Cheers and applause ] Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Mary Katherine Gallagher. -Yes, Mary, I've taught you
for eight years. -I just, um -- I just want to
say hello to a young lady who's
sitting in the audience. Her name is Allison Earl,
and she's my new lab partner. And she's someone who I hope
to become friends with in the coming year. -Friends --
-Hello, hello, hello. -Friends -- friends are
important, okay? Let's learn a little bit about
our three finalists. Sean, other than spelling, what's your favorite hobby? -Spelling. -Besides spelling? -Thinking about spelling. -Terrific. Okay, Shelly, why do you want to
win tonight's competition? -My boyfriend said if I won, he would tongue-kiss me in the
alley behind the Pizza Hut. [ Laughing ] -Excellent. And, Mary, how did you become
interested in spelling? -My grandmother, she lives
in a motorized wheelchair. And sometimes when I get
really carried away, she makes me sit down
and play Scrabble with her until my medicine kicks in. -Super duper! [ Laughter ] Let's get to the final round. Sean, are you ready
for your word? -Yes.
Yes, bring it on. Spellmaster.
[ Robot noises ] Okay. -Your word is "entrecote." -Whoa, okay, entrecote. E-N-T -- Time-out, time-out. -There's no time-out
in a spelling bee. -Okay.
Entrecote. E-N-T -- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick. I'm gonna be sick. -Terrific! We're down to two finalists, Shelly Peterbuilt and Mary -- -Mary Katherine Gallagher. -And Mary Katherine Gallagher. Shelly, please step up
to the mike. -Go, Shelly!
-[ Laughs ] Oh, my God. That's my boyfriend, Brad.
He gave me this hickey! [ Laughing ] -Your word is "syzygy." -Syzygy. S-- -Whoa! [ Laughter ] -I slipped. -Syz-- syzygy. S-Y-Z -- Oh, my God! I forgot the "ygy" part! [ Whimpering ] Brad, don't leave!
Brad! Oh, God! -Mary Katherine, step up
to the mike. -Okay. [ Breathes nervously ] -What are you doing? -S-- s-- s-- s-- s... sometimes -- sometimes
when I get nervous, I stick my fingers
under my arms, and then I smell them
like that. [ Inhales ] [ Laughter and applause ] That's gross.
That's gross. It's very --
-Thank you -- -It's not ladylike. -Thank you for sharing that
with us, Mar. Mary, this is your chance to
become St. Monica's spelling champion. Are you ready? Okay, Mary, the word is
"syzygy." -Syzygy. Syzygy.
Okay. Syzygy. Am I correct in assuming that
the word is of Greek origin? -You are correct. -Alternate pronunciation? -There is none. -Can you use the word
in a sentence? -Sure. Your spelling bee word
is "syzygy." [ Laughter and applause ] -Can I have a -- can I have
a glass of water? -Sister? Sister? -Okay, can --
Thanks, sister. Can you say the word again? -Syzygy. -Syzygy.
Okay. Can you say the word
in slow motion? -Syz-y-gy. -Can you say the word
in pig Latin? -Yzygy-say. Mary, are you stalling? -No, I just -- I just -- I feel -- I feel -- I feel nervous and scared. And I feel like my feelings
of nervousness would best be expressed in a monologue from
the 1975 made-for-TV movie "Sara T.: Portrait of
a Teenage Alcoholic" starring the buxom young
child actress turned temptress, Miss Linda Blair.
Is that okay? Is that okay? Okay. Mother, I am not drunk, okay? God. Do you know me? I mean, deep down inside, do you know Sara T.? Because I don't -- I don't
think that you do. God.
You do not know how much pressure it is
being a teenager. "Go to the dance, Sara.
Organize the yearbook, Sara. Sell candy bars
for the band, Sara." It is too damn much, Mama! [ Laughter ] But when I call out your name, you're not there. So I got a new mama now. [ Breathing shakily ] [ Slurps ] Booze is my mama! And this mama -- this mama -- loves me all the time, see? Ah... [ Slurping ] Oh, God. So I drink --
I drink her down. I drink her. I drink her! I drink her!
I drink her! I drink her!
I drink her! I drink her! [ Crash ] [ Applause ] Syzy-- syzygy. S-Y... Z-Y... G-Y. Syzygy. -We have a winner!
-[ Laughs ] Spelling bee! [ Cheers and applause ] -Okay, guys, tonight
we're gonna be pushing the Cajun Pot Stickers,
all right? Our featured drink
is a 32-ounce Creamsicle
Tequila Sunrise Cooler. Pop quiz -- Bobby,
what's the core temperature in our mozzarella sticks? -Um...350 degrees. -Bobby, you ever been
in a burn unit? Have you? People, this isn't Thursday's,
all right? It's what, Jimmy?
-It's Friday's, sir. -That's right.
And maybe that BS flies over at P.J. McWhiskers,
but not here, okay? Let's go the extra smile.
All right. Kevin, front and center,
superstar. -Yes, sir. -We got a trainee that's gonna
be following you around on your shift today.
Mary? -Oh! Mary Katherine Gallagher. Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Mary Katherine Gallagher. [ Cheers and applause ] -Mary... Mary, I'd like you
to meet Kevin. He's our star server. Now, Mary,
if you do well on the floor, we're gonna make you
part of the Friday's family. -Okay.
-Turn it out tonight, and you can be donning
one of these babies. That's all I'm gonna say. -Okay, Mary, looks like
you're riding shotgun with me tonight. We got a two top at table 12. Remember, rule number one,
you win with a grin. -Win with a grin.
-Win with a grin. Let's go. Let's do it.
How we doin', folks? -Good.
-My name's Kevin. I'm gonna be helping you
out tonight. This behind me is Mary.
-Great. She's gonna be helping me out.
-Hi. -Mary Katherine Gallagher. It's a pleasure
making your acquaintance. Mary Katherine Gallagher.
-Hi. -It's a pleasure.
-Good enthusiasm, Mary. -Thank you.
-What do you say we start you out
with a beverage? What do you think?
-Um, I'd love an iced tea. -Iced tea.
-And I'd like a Michelob. -Good choice!
-Yeah, yeah. -I just want -- I just want to
take this opportunity to let you two know
that I just came from the ladies' room, and in accordance to state law, I just washed my hands
with a very powerful anti-bacterial soap. So I just want to announce
that I am ready to handle your food. Okay?
-Great! Okay, Mary, why don't you go
put that drink order in? -Okay.
Why don't you scoot off? Drink order.
-Okay. -Okay, folks, why don't I start
you out with an appetizer? What do you think? -Yeah, we're gonna
have some cheese sticks. -Cheese sticks.
Gotta tell you, cheese sticks
are not top-notch. Why don't I set you up
with some lobster quesadillas? How would that be?
-Okay. -Lobster quesadillas.
-Yeah, that sounds good. -Lobster quesadillas it is.
-Sure. [ Crash ] [ Laughter ] -I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it. I'm very sorry. I'll get that cleaned up
for you in a second. -That's, uh... -I am sorry.
I want to announce that we're out of Michelob
and we are out of iced tea. But I would like to offer you
another beverage. -Okay, you know what?
I'm sorry about that, folks. I'm gonna take
50% off your drink order -- 5-0, 50%. Mary, can I talk to you
for a second? -Yeah.
-Come on right over here. What's going on? -Sometimes when I --
sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and I smell them like that.
[ Sniffs ] That's really gross --
it's gross. -Yeah, that's-- -And sometimes
I touch my boobs. -Okay. -I squeeze all that milk out. -That's --
that's definitely -- -Gross. It's gross. -It's not something you want to
do here at Friday's, okay? I'll tell you what -- you think you're ready
to go over there and take their dinner order?
What do you say? Take their dinner order.
What do you say? -I say hey.
-What's rule number one? -Win with a grin.
-Win with a grin. Get over there.
-Okay. Good evening. My name is
Mary Katherine Gallagher, and I'm your server tonight. And I'd like to find out
what would you -- Gentleman, what would you
like to order for dinner? -I'll have
the Ritz Cracker Salmon. [ Laughter ] -That's my personal favorite. -I'll have
the Lucky Charms-Coated Shrimp. [ Laughter ] -That's also my personal --
personal favorite. Okay, and I just want to say
to both of you that it's a pleasure
taking your order, and I would also like to say that along with your
entrees tonight, we will also be serving
a side order of fun at no extra charge. It's a pleasure --
it's a pleasure to be your server tonight,
this evening. Thank you. [ Crash ] [ Laughter and applause ] This is a complimentary
combination platter. I'm just gonna scoop... -You know, this is ridiculous. Come on, Terry.
-It's completely unacceptable. -I could just get you
another -- -Mary Katherine Gallagher --
-...another pasta. -Mary Katherine Gallagher -- -What? What?!
-This is it. You are obviously
not Friday's material. You are fired. Can I have the vest, please?
-No. -Can I please have the vest? -[ Sobbing ] [ Sobbing continues ] -I'm sorry, Mary. Are you --
are you feeling okay? -No!
-No. -My feelings...
my feelings... would best be expressed
in a monologue from the 1979 made-for-TV movie "Portrait of a Stripper," this very sad, sad, sad story
of a young lady who works as a stripper
to support her only son, starring
Miss Lesley Ann Warren. Okay?
-Yeah. -[ Panting ] I really need this gig, okay?
[ Piano music playing ] I mean, do you think that -- [ Panting ] You... You think I do this for myself? Is that -- is that --
is that what you think? Because... I do it for my son,
you know. I do it so that I can buy him
diapers and -- and cereal and maybe just send him
to a nice school someday, you know? I mean, do you --
do you think that I like coming home
and smelling like booze and businessmen with money stuck inside of my panties? You know? Way, all that cash down there? Do you think that I like that?! God! I came in here, in here, with so many dreams,
and what do you do? You just -- you just --
you just -- you just -- you rip them
all away from me. You just, you rip 'em. You rip 'em!
You rip 'em! You rip 'em! You...rip 'em! You rip 'em! You rip 'em!
You rip 'em! [ Crash ] -Alright, yay, oh, oh! [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you. [ Panting ] -I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -Call me crazy, sir,
but I think you're looking at your new
ambassador of fun. -I think you're right.
Mary... welcome aboard.
-Thank you. Friday's! Friday's...
[ Cheers and applause ]
so snl doesnt just let alum host for the sake of being alumni anymore?