-Patrick Henry -- "Give me
liberty or give me death." Death, please! Next! [ Laughter ] John F. Kennedy. I'll tell you what you can do
for my country -- Wrap it up. Next! ♪♪ -This week, a Pennsylvania
newspaper printed a retraction of an opinion piece that was
written in 1863, which panned Abraham Lincoln's
historic "Gettysburg Address." Here now to comment, the author
of that negative review, the "Patriot and Union" speech
critic, Jebidiah Atkinson. [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you for having me, Seth. -So, Jebidiah,
you were actually underwhelmed by President Lincoln's
"Gettysburg Address," calling it "silly"
and saying that history would soon forget it.
-Correct. -How do you feel about
the newspaper's retraction? -I stand by my words.
They're cowards, Seth. In fact, my first draft
was much harsher, and I was told to tone it down. -Oh, wow.
So, what was the first draft? -Would you like to hear it? -Sure. -It goes as such. Four snores and seven yawns ago, this reviewer watched
the President's speech at Gettysburg,
and let's be honest, Abe, you dropped a real Lincoln log.
[ Laughter ] You know what the real
"Gettysburg Address" is? 115 West Boring Street. [ Laughter ] And then there's the venue,
a field. Great acoustics. Sorry if I couldn't hear you.
I was in the second row. -Wow! You didn't like it at all. -I did not. What's to like? "The world will little note nor
long remember what we say here." Oof!
With dialogue that clunky, I'm surprised he was shot
by an actor. [ Scattered laughter ] Oh, is that too soon? [ Laughter ]
Get over it. He's on the five. -You really didn't like Lincoln. -Not at all.
Too lanky, big nose, and don't get me started
on that beard. What was her name, Mary Todd? [ Audience groaning ] [ Laughter ] -Tell me. Have you reviewed any
other speeches over the years? -I've reviewed all the speeches! And I am not a fan! Patrick Henry -- "Give me
liberty or give me death." Death, please! Next! [ Laughter ] John F. Kennedy. I'll tell you what you can do
for my country -- Wrap it up. Next! Martin Luther King. You have a dream? That's great. I had a train to catch,
and I missed it. [ Laughter ] Next! Jesus.
-[ Groans ] -The Sermon on the Mount.
Blessed are the meek? More like blessed are the deaf
because they don't have to listen to this
eighth-grade poem. And great location, Jesus. The mount? Any reason we had to
climb half an hour to hear this? Also, nice fan base. I've got a leper
on one side of me and a prostitute on the other. Oh, and bravo on the food. Nothing like mountaintop fish
on a hot day! Next! [ Laughter ] Oh, wait. I've got one on FDR's
Pearl Harbor speech, but I probably shouldn't do it after the audience
were such bitches about that John Wilkes Booth
joke. -Yeah, I wouldn't do it.
-I might do it. -I think you're going to do it.
-I'm going to do it. -Do you know what date
will live in infamy for me? December 8, 1941, when FDR gave a speech
that was so boring ass. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I think I misquoted myself.
-Yeah, I think you did, too. [ Laughter ] I was gonna say. That's not
your best written one. -No, that was a rough draft. Could have used a couple
of kamikazes after that. [ Audience groans, laughter ] -I think you were the kamikaze. -I think so, on that, you know? It's so hard being a critic,
but I love it, Seth. -Yeah.
-Yeah. It's so much more fun
than my last job. -What was your last job?
-Failed speechwriter. -Jebidiah Atkinson, everyone.
-I'm your model! -Well, the holiday season
is upon us, which means the return of many
beloved Christmas specials. Here with his review
of these holiday classics is 1860s newspaper critic
Jebidiah Atkinson. [ Cheers and applause ] -Hello, Seth.
So happy to be back. -Now, Jebidiah,
in case anyone forgot, the last time you were here,
you shared your negative review of "The Gettysburg Address." -How could they forget, Seth?
It was only three weeks ago. Run stuff into the ground much?
-Okay. Fair. Now, despite your reputation
as a harsh critic, I still find it hard to believe
that your heart wasn't warmed by Charlie Brown's
Christmas special. -You don't have to believe it,
Seth. I have my review right here. And I think you will find it
to be fair and even-handed. The Charlie Brown Christmas
special was garbage! I was hoping for joy and wonder. Instead I got a 30-minute Zoloft
commercial. Cheer up, kids! You're 7! No one wants to watch neurotic
children trudging in the snow to smooth jazz. [ Laughter ] Also, Charlie Brown,
there's a pube on your forehead. [ Laughter ] And, oh, my,
what a supporting cast. Schroeder, sit up straight! Peppermint Patty,
let me guess what you did for a Klondike bar -- Marcy. -Ew.
[ Audience groaning ] -That might be the "ew"
for next time. -[ Laughs ] -And don't even get me started
on Snoopy. If you ask me, "Family Guy"
killed the wrong dog. [ Audience groans ]
Ohhh! What?! He's a cartoon! [ Laughter ] In conclusion... Wah-Wah-Wah. Wah-Wah-Wah-Wah-Wah-Wah. Translation -- it sucked. -Can we maybe move on to some
other holiday specials? -Happily. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed
Reindeer." ♪ And if you ever saw it,
you would even say it blows ♪ [ Laughter ]
Next! "Frosty the Snowman"? There might have been some magic
in that old hat they found. But I'll tell you what wasn't
in there -- a story. [ Audience groans ] This is what I do! Five minutes in, Seth,
I was rooting for the sun. -[ Laughs ]
-Next! "The Grinch Who Stole
Christmas." You know what else
The Grinch stole? 30 minutes of my life. Whoville? Exactly. Whereville? The toilet! Next! -What about Christmas movies? You have to like some
Christmas movies. -No one tells me
what I have to do! "It's a Wonderful Life"? Too bad it's a terrible script.
Next. No, wait. Not next. Not yet. Every time this movie airs,
an angel blows his brains out. Now next! "Christmas Carol"?
More like Ebenezer Snooze. [ Laughter ] -Thank you. Thank you.
[ Laughter ] Thank you. Hey, Dickens! Four ghosts to tell one story? I guess Tiny Tim isn't the only
one who needed a crutch. [ Audience groans ]
Oh, and Tiny Tim, good news. You're getting
a Christmas goose. Bad news -- the cure for polio
is still 100 years away. You're going to die! Next! Ugh. And the dullest Christmas story
of all -- the story of Christ's birth. [ Audience groans ] I'm thinking I probably
shouldn't do this one after the audience went full
bitch over the Snoopy joke and every other one since.
-Yeah, I wouldn't do it. -I wouldn't do it. -I'm gonna do it!
-I thought you might. -Let's see. A guy travels across the country
with his family to find out the hotel is closed. I liked it more the first time
when it was called "National Lampoon's Vacation."
[ Laughter ] -The first time? -"Oh, but great, Joseph. Where should we deliver
this baby?" "Oh, I don't know. How about a barn full
of hungry animals?" Hey, Seth, what do you call
Joseph on a donkey? -What?
-Two asses! No wonder Mary told everybody
the baby wasn't his. -Jebidiah Atkinson, everyone! -Bah humbug!
[ Cheers and applause ] -This week, the nominations for the 68th annual Tony Awards
were announced. Here with his reviews
of some of the contenders is 1860s newspaper critic
Jebidiah Atkinson. [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you. What a pleasure it is
to be here. -I can tell. So, Jebidiah, did you get a chance to see
this year's Tony nominees? -Cecily, I have seen
every major production of every play in history! And have judged each
without prejudice. I think you'll find I applied
the same even-handed, moderate approach to this year's
Tony nominees. [ Clears throat ] The 2014 Tony nominations make me wish theater
never existed! "Les Misérables" --
I dreamed a dream, too, because I fell asleep
in the first act. "Aladdin" --
Here's my three wishes. Make...it...stop. Oh, and "Of Mice and Men." The only thing slower
than this play is Lenny, but at least someone put him
out of his misery. [ Audience groans ]
-Oh, wow. All right,
that one seems pretty harsh. Did you like any of this year's
nominees? -I haven't liked any Tommy -- -What? -I haven't liked any
Tony nomination ever! -Who is Tommy?
-I -- I got big beef with Tommy. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -A bully, and, Tommy,
you know who you are! -Tommy.
-But the Tonys, Cecily... -Back to the Tonys. Later on Tommy. -...have been 68 years
of unwatchable rubbish, and I've reviewed it all! "Fiddler on the Roof" --
here's some advice, Fiddler. Jump! Next! "Wicked"? If I wanted to watch
a couple of hags screech at each other,
I'd watch "The View." [ Audience "oohs" ] Next! "Rent." ♪ 525,600 minutes ♪ ♪ Of garbage! ♪ ♪ Neeeext! ♪ "Annie." Oh, great. A needy ginger who breaks into
song every five seconds. Sing as loud as you want, honey. Your parents ain't coming back.
[ Audience groans, laughter ] Next! Ugh. And don't even get me
started on "Cats." I've seen a less depressing show
featuring 100 cats. It's called "Hoarders." You know what that play
needed -- A first-act visit from
feline AIDS. [ Audience groans ]
Ughhhhh! Cats don't care about you!
-All right. [ Laughter ]
Okay. So, you're not a fan
of Tony nominees, but do you like any
of the classic plays? Like, what about
"Romeo and Juliet"? -Ugh. "Romeo and Juliet."
Pfft! 13-year-olds having sex.
How romantic! [ Laughter ]
I came here to watch a play, not to get added to
a sex-offender registry. Wherefore art thou,
Chris Hansen? -All right, come on. There has to be at least
one play you've enjoyed. -Well, Cecily,
there was one play I liked, but I don't think the audience
will want to hear the reason after they were such pussies
about that cat joke! -Yeah, maybe you shouldn't.
-I'm going to! The only play I ever found
even remotely tolerable was a performance
of "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theatre
on April 14, 1865. -Is that the play
where Lincoln was shot? -It sure was, Cecily!
-Yeah. Prepare yourselves. It may not have gone over that
well in the orchestra, but it killed in the balcony. [ Audience groaning, laughter ]
I warned you! -All right.
-What? The union's intact! -Jebidiah Atkinson, everyone!
-Can a bitch get a beef bowl?! -New seasons of the critically
acclaimed series "Mad Men" and "Game of Thrones"
will begin soon, and many are saying we are in
a golden age of television. Here with his reviews
of some of these hit shows is a man who has been around
longer than TV itself, 1860s newspaper critic
Jebidiah Atkinson. [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you, Michael, for that
enthusiastic introduction. So good to be back. -So, Jebidiah, have you been keeping up with
all these big TV shows? -Of course I have, Michael.
-Yeah. -And, as always,
I think you'll find my reviews to be perfectly moderate
and totally rational. -You know,
I was worried about that -- -[ Clears throat ]
All TV is excrement! "Mad Men?" The most likeable character
on this show is cigarettes. [ Laughter ] Hey, AMC, if I wanted to know
what life was like in the 1960s, I'd move to Indiana. [ Audience "ohhs" ] Ohhh! [ Cheers and applause ] I've been around a long time. It's never been a great state. [ Laughter ] "Game of Thrones"? Oh, great, a softcore porn
with 100 hours of backstory. At least in porn, you know
how it's gonna finish. Oh, and, George R.R. Martin, you better hurry up
and write those books, because from the look of you,
winter is coming. [ Audience groans, laughter ] And "House of Cards." The only thing lazier
than the writing is Kevin Spacey's attempt
at a Southern accent. Ugh! And when he makes
those turns to camera, I haven't witnessed shots
that jarring since the assassination
of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. [ Scattered laughter ] [ Laughter ] -Wait, Jebidiah,
you were at the event that started World War I? -Of course I was, Michael,
but I prefer the sequel. -[ Scoffs ]
[ Audience groans, laughter ] -Oh, what, World War II
wasn't a better war? [ Laughter ]
-That's pretty harsh, man. There must be some shows
that you do like. -I haven't liked
any television ever! It's been 80 years
of mind-poisoning rrefuse, and I've rrreviewed it all! Herrrre are a few
from the archives. [ Laughter ] -I'm listening.
-Thank you. I want your full attention,
Michael. "The West wing." The best lines on that show are the ones that went up
Sorkin's nose. Next! [ Laughter, cheers,
and applause ] Good distance on that one. "Cheers." ♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪ From the AA meetings. Next! Oh, and "Lost." Sure, it started out good, but I haven't seen
a final season that bad since Joe Paterno's. [ Audience groans ]
Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhhhh!
[ Laughter ] If you don't like that joke, just do as Joe did
and turn a blind eye. [ Audience groaning ] [ Laughter ] -Come on, you don't like
anything on TV? What about, like, a classic
comedy like "Seinfeld"? -Ugh! "Seinfeld." I'd rather watch
Michael Richards do standup at the Apollo.
[ Audience groans ] That's right!
I haven't forgiven him yet! Hey, Kramer, I can say
an "N" word, too -- next! [ Laughter ] Keep that for a souvenir. "Saturday Night Live." The same, tired characters repeating the same,
tired catchphrases. Next!
[ Laughter ] "The Honeymooners." A gritty depiction
of a bus driver from the slums who abuses his wife. It's a comedy?! [ Laughter ] And who's the genius who said, "Oh, this is great.
Let's turn it into a cartoon, set it in the stone age when
women had an even harder time?" [ Scattered laughter, groans ] [ Laughter ] And now we come to the worst
television show of all time -- "I love Lucy."
[ Audience "awws" ] But I don't think I should do
this joke after the audience rioted over the Paterno joke. -You know what?
I don't think you -- -Well, I'm going to, Michael!
-Oh. -It's my thing! "I love Lucy" -- Hey, Lucy, you got some
'splainin' to do, like why you'd stay married to
a man who rafted over from Cuba just to crush your dreams!
[ Laughter ] They should have called
this show "I Love Lucy's Ability
to Get Me a Green Card." [ Laughter ]
-Jebidiah Atkinson, everybody. -I voted for Stephen Douglas! -For "Weekend Update,"
I'm Michael Che! -And I'm Colin Jost. ♪♪
I love when his joke bombs and Seth Meyers just loses it!!
My sister saw him as King George in Hamilton and this feels like it was good practice for that
One of the absolute best sketches. Wife and I laugh hysterically each time at his performance.
NEXT!
If Taran ever comes back to host, we all know he’s gonna do this again, right?
I'm not even sure I should do this joke after the audience went full bitch over the last one. I'M GONNA DO IT!
One of the top 5 Weekend Update characters of all time.
"Couldn't do it again if I tried!"
Ohhhh too soon?