♪♪ ♪♪ [ Static ] -You're watching "ESPN Classic." -If you like your winter sports
slow and complicated, then you've come
to the right place! It's the "Gyne-Lotrimin
Ladies World Cup of Curling"! And tonight's matchup is so hot,
the ice might melt. First up, Team Finland led by
Captain Helga Birkenstock... and the reigning world
champions, Team Paraguay, led by Maria Shakira Prinze Jr. We're comin' to you live
from the Tacomadome! Good evening. I'm Pete Twinkle. And seated next to me providing
great color commentary, the godfather of my two
adopted girls, Greg Stink. -Thanks, Pete, and a big hello
to Lupe and Xao Din. I got some porcelain collector's
thimbles for you young ladies. I just gotta glue 'em
back together, and they're good to go.
-[ Laughs ] What a guy. -We're best friends!
-[ Laughs ] Now, why don't we meet
tonight's competitors? Up first, we've got
Helga Birkenstock. Now, it looks like
she's inspecting her teammates' brushes. Very important thing to do. Greg, I gotta ask you, what is
the purpose of those brushes? -Hoh-hoh. No idea!
-[ Chuckles ] Well, I mean, if you had to
take a stab in the dark. -Well, I'd probably
kill someone. -Well, no, no, no. No, Greg, I-I wasn't saying
a literally stab. -Oh.
-Yeah, okay. You know what? Why don't we take a look now
at Team Paraguay? Prinze Jr. really knows how to motivate her teammates,
a true leader. Look at her just giving
a pep talk, Greg. Greg, what do you think
is being said right now? -Well, you just said
she was a true leader, then you asked me that question, and I am currently saying these
words, so I guess these words. -Well, no, Greg. No, Greg. I wasn't asking about what
we were saying to each other. -Oh! Then my answer
makes no sense. -Greg Stink.
You gotta love this guy. -That's nice of you to say.
-[ Laughs ] -Hey, you also gotta love
tonight's sponsor, Gyne-Lotrimin "vagynal" cream. When you got something fungal deep down in your lady jungle. Gyne-Lotrimin "vagynal" cream. Might be "vaginal" cream. -I do not know which one it is. -All right. It's regional I guess. -[ Chuckles ]
-Anyway. Greg, as the ladies
continue to warm up, what's the best way
for them to get in the zone? -Well, they probably want
to find a private room, maybe grab a hand-held mirror, pop down in
a squatting position -- -Oh, no, no, no, no, Greg!
No, Greg. No. Buddy, that's my fault. You know, I wasn't talking
about a zone where you can put a fine product
like Gyne-Lotrimin. I meant more of a mental zone.
-Oh, like a daydream. -Yeah, sure, buddy.
All right. You know what? Let's go down to ice where
it looks like Helga Birkenstock is about to slide
the first stone. Here she goes.
-[ Screaming gibberish ] -Look at that. Wow.
Look at this. Look at this. Oh, and quite a shot!
Unbelievable! Look at that! Oh, a big kick. Oh, she loves God.
She loves God. Greg, how many points do you think she gets
for a shot like that? -Oh, I don't know. Five? -Oh, okay,
you just kind of pulled that number out of thin air,
didn't you, buddy? -Well, you put me on the spot,
I did not know what to say, so I looked down at my hand,
I saw five fingers, and I went for it.
-I love it. I gotcha. -Why is it so cold in here? -Well, we're in
an ice rink, buddy. -Oh, that makes sense. -[ Laughs ] Hey, you know
what else makes sense? Choosing Gyne-Lotrimin. From Bo Derek to Susan Lucci, it's the brand that stars use
to clean their coochie. Gyne-Lotrimin vaginal cream. Back to the action. All right. Here they go.
Look at this. The Paraguayans known
for their showmanship. And, oh, what an amazing curl, knocking Team Finland
right out of the house! Look at that. She is fired up.
Bingo! -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I have no idea what's happening! -Well, neither do I, buddy. The rules of this game
are baffling to me. You know, for once I know what it feels like to be
in your shoes. -Oh, you'd never fit
in my shoes. I have tiny, tiny, feet.
I mean, my toes are literally the size of little
pieces of rice. -[ Laughs ] Greg -- Greg, do you know what
the word "literally" means? -No! Busted. -[ Laughs ] Hey, you know what's not busted?
Gyne-Lotrimin. Ain't nothin' finah
than a yeast-free vagina. Gyne-Lotrimin vaginal "cremm." When you hop up from the futon and all you left
was a wet crouton. Gyne-Lotrimin vaginal cream.
We'll be right back! [ Static,
film projector clicking ] [ Static ]
-You're watching "ESPN Classic." A great way to win money
off your stupid friends. -If you're looking for
fast-paced, hard-throwing lady dart action,
you've hit the bull's-eye. It's the Summer's Eve Lady Stars
of Darts Championship. And today's matchup
is sure to be a barn burner, featuring Darcy Vancouver and the number-one-ranked
world amateur, Olga "The Wolf Bear" Bogunskaya. Good evening. I'm Pete Twinkle. And seated next to me, providing
great color commentary -- and, man, oh, man, is this guy
a snappy dresser -- Greg Stink.
-Thanks, Pete. I got this jacket
at a thrift store, but I could not find the pants
that went with it. -Well, the sweatpants
work just fine. -Well, thank you
for giving them to me. I wrote you a thank-you note. Just got to track down a stamp
and pop it in the mail. -[ Laughs ]
Can't wait to read it. Well, now why don't we meet
tonight's players? Up first,
we've got Darcy Vancouver. -Now, it looks like
she's warming up that elbow. Such an important part
of her process, huh? Look at that. Now, Greg, how important is it to keep the elbow loose and warm
in a dart match? -Oh! Yeah! -Well, no, that wasn't
a yes-or-no question. -Okay. -[ Laughs ] All right. Well, she's gonna be squaring
off against Olga Bogunskaya! Now, Olga is
a Russian lady type. First time competing
in the States. They call her The Wolf Bear. -[ Growls ]
-Uh-huh. Now, Greg, tell me. How do you think
she got that nickname? -Oh-ho-ho!
Somebody who knew her probably called her that
at some point, and another person heard it
and said, "Hey, I like that," and it just kind of stuck.
-[ Laughs ] Well, now, Greg, I know the
process of acquiring a nickname, but I'm asking about how "The
Wolf Bear" is specific to her. -Oh, I don't know. Probably, uh -- I don't know. -[ Laughs ] Okay. Well, wherever she got it from,
it fits. A quick shout-out to our sponsor
this evening, Summer's Eve
feminine-hygiene products -- when something's gone wrong, and it's the smell
of your thong. Summer's Eve. Douche. Now, Greg, can you tell
the viewers at home a little bit about the equipment
they'll be using tonight? -Well, it's just basically a bottle with
a thin curved nozzle. I don't know that they're
gonna be using it tonight. Is it something
you use every day? -No, no, no, Greg.
No, no, I'm sorry about that. That's my fault.
That's my fault, pal. I wasn't talking about
the, uh, fine equipment that the good people
at Summer's Eve make. I meant, what kind of darts
are the ladies using tonight? -Oh, boy, I wouldn't put darts
anywhere near a vagina. -No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. No, Greg. Sorry about that.
I was talking about -- You know what? Why don't we
just go down to the floor, where it looks like
Darcy Vancouver's up first. All right. Here she goes.
That's the first throw. [ Thud ]
Nice toss there. Oh, look at that precision.
Look at that. Wraps it around. [ Thud ] Her college-softball days
showing evident. [ Thud ]
Holy -- That no look! And look at that!
Three triple 20s! She gets 180 on her first turn. Frozen with excitement. Wow, wow, wow! How about that
for a start, huh, Greg? -Oh-ho-ho! I missed it! Just got sucked
into this word search. The theme is animal kingdoms, so I'm guessing we're looking
for -- for names of kings. -No. No, buddy, I think you're
looking for animals there. -Oh-oh! Okay.
I'll keep my eye out for both. Great idea.
-Great idea, indeed. Hey, you know what
another great idea is? Summer's Eve -- when your man's in a coma
from your panty aroma. Summer's Eve. Douche. Back to the action. All right.
The Wolf Bear Known for her unorthodox throwing style. -Raaaaah! -Wow! What a cocky move. Look at -- Oh, an amazing shot! Two in... -Oh, my God!
-How about that? Wow. Pretty excited
about that throw, huh, Greg? -Oh. Oh, no. Just found another animal
in the word search. -Oh, yeah?
-"Tostrich." -Tostrich?
-Yeah. -I think you might want to just
go with "ostrich" there, buddy. -Oh-oh-oh! Good call.
-[ Chuckles ] All right. Speaking of good calls,
Summer's Eve -- when your situation down south makes him breathe
through his mouth. Summer's Eve. Dootch. -Pete, I have a question
for you. -Oh, yeah? What's that, Greg?
-Now, why can't you just walk up and put the darts
wherever you want? -Well, then it'd
be called tacks, buddy. [ Laughs ] That's what I think. -Oh, whoa! [ Laughs ]
I found another one. -Oh, yeah? What'd you get?
-"Fish." -Oh, yeah?
Speaking of fish, Summer's Eve. We'll be right back! ♪♪ [ Static ]
-You're watching "ESPN Classic." -Well, if you like heavy-hitting
lady golf action, you can pop the batteries
right out of that remote! Welcome to the Ladies
Long Drive Championship sponsored by
Stay Free Maxi Pads! And today we've got
some powerhouse hitters, featuring fan favorite
Virginia Sacramento... and the Swiss sensation, Greta "Cuckoo Clock" Kukendorf! Good afternoon! [ Cheers and applause ] It is 12:09 in the p.m.
on June 17, 1994. I'm Pete Twinkle,
and seated next to me, providing great
color commentary -- and, man, oh, man, does this guy love to grow
his own vegetables -- it's Greg Stink! -Thanks, best friend!
-[ Laughs ] All right, now, Greg,
it looks to me like you haven't shaved in a while. -Yeah, I've been going through
some stuff lately. -Ohh. I'm sorry
to hear that, buddy. What kind of stuff
you going through? -Oh, you know,
just some old boxes, doing some spring cleaning,
haven't got a chance to shave. -Okay, good.
I thought you were gonna say that your wife had left you. -Oh-ho! Yeah, she did.
-Oh. Oh, I'm sorry to hear
about that, buddy. -[ Laughs ]
-Yeah. All right. Well, hey, a quick shout-out
to our sponsor -- Stay Free Maxi Pads. When you have
your monthly boo-boo, put one of these
near your hoo-hoo! Stay Free Maxi Pads. All right. Why don't we meet
our first competitor? It's two-time champion
Virginia Sacramento. Now, it looks like she's deciding where to put
that tee, huh? Okay, now, Greg,
I gotta ask you, how important is the placement? -Oh, it's very important.
-Mm-hmm. I mean, she's gonna want
to stick that pad right on the inside of her underpanties.
-Okay. -You'll line it up
with the privates, and then she can just,
you know, let 'er rip. -Oh, no, no, no, Greg.
I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry about that.
That's my fault. I'm not talking
about the placement of a fine product like
Stay Free Maxi Pads. We're talking about
the placement of balls! -Oh, well, I've never wanted
to second-guess the Lord. I think he placed the balls
right where they're supposed to be.
-Okay. -And that's good enough for me. -[ Laughs ]
You know what? Me too. Hey, you know what's
good enough for everyone? Stay Free Maxi Pads. It's the downstairs patch
for your baby hatch. Stay Free Maxi Pads. Oh. Oh. Thank you. All right. We're getting
some breaking news. Once again, it's 1994. Uh, I'm hearing
that O.J. Simpson is currently being chased by the LAPD
down the 405 Freeway. We go to a shot now, and
you can see that's his Bronco. That shot is live. He is reportedly heading
to his home in Brentwood. Okay, well, we have
L.A. correspondent Randy Feather covering the action. We go now to
O.J. Simpson's house, live. -Hey, everybody.
I'm sorry I'm late. How long before
we're on the air? Really? Okay. I could -- I could use a little time
to sober up. -Mm-hmm.
-Okay. Okay. Well, it doesn't look like
Randy's quite ready yet. We'll check back in with him
in a minute. Let's get back
to the action, though. Let's see.
Sacramento is ready to swing. Here she goes.
-Eee! -Oh, boy!
And she crushed it! Whoo! And look at that.
She's happy. She is loving that.
Look at that. Oh, man. Whoo! Look at her go. Golly. Greg, I gotta ask you,
have you ever seen a woman hit anything that hard? -Ohh, yeah. -Yeah?
Well, do you remember who? -No.
-Okay. Okay. All right. Well, that's all right.
Oh, oh, oh! I'm being told we're going back
to Randy Feather. Randy, what do you got for us? -I'll tell you exactly how big. -Randy?
-Four inches. -Wh-- Randy? Can you hear me? -Around? Oh, I'd probably say
like a McDonald's straw. -No. Randy!
-What's that? Oh, it's a forest out there.
[ Chuckles ] -Okay. Okay, so, uh --
so Randy's still not ready. -Randy-y-y-y!
-No, no, no. It's all right.
It's all right. We're all right. Hey, you know what's
always ready, though? Stay Free Maxi Pads. I see London, I see China, I see one very happy vagina! Stay Free Maxi Pads. Well, it looks like
Kukendorf is warming up. Now, Greg, you can tell she's got that
lower-body injury. She's clearly not at 100%. You know, how is that
gonna affect her today? -Well, it all depends
on how much under 100% she is. -Mm-hmm.
-Is she 99%? -Okay.
-98%? -Right.
-97%? -Right.
-98%? -Oh, you went
back up there, buddy. -96%?
-There you go. All right. Just hold that thought
for me, will you? -Okay.
-All right. We got, uh... Oh, man. Okay, uh,
it looks like we're going back to Randy Feather in front
of O.J. Simpson's house. It's 1994. Randy? -You know,
I used to be a stripper. I know. I know. With this body?
[ Chuckles ] I used to be way fatter
back then. Like a --
Like a hundred pounds fatter. -Hey, Randy, can you hear me? -But it was too much stress
on my back, so I lost weight
and got a butt reduction and then went into broadcasting. Can I just kiss
one of your eyes? -Okay. Sorry.
Sorry about that, folks. I don't --
I-I don't know what's going on. -Well, he can't hear us.
-Okay, thank you. Thank you, Greg. [ Laughs ] Greg Stink.
There's not a finer person. And, hey,
there's not a finer product than Stay Free Maxi Pads. When your uterine lining looks like the elevator
from "The Shining." [ Sniffles ] Stay Free Maxi Pads! All right. Back to the action. Kukendorf is at the tee.
Here we go. Let's see what happens. -Whoo!
-Oh, look at that! No backswing necessary.
She crushed it! Okay. Look at that. Holy smokes. All right. Oh. Okay.
I'm a little wary to do this, but we're going back to Randy.
Randy? -Yes, Pete?
-Okay, great. We got him. Good. Okay, great. Uh, Randy, can you
tell us what you know? -Well, Pete... at this point, not much,
except the Juice is loose. -Hey, speaking of loose juice,
Stay Free Maxi Pads! We'll be right back!
