Barbie Games - JonTron

jontron hey ken i was thinking about you know maybe taking a year off going back to college starting my career nonsense barbie you're staying home but having my kids john what are you playing systemic oppression the barbie line of toys launched in 1959 and quickly became the desire of every little girl who wouldn't want to look like barbie she's bright colorful fun and likely hasn't eaten anything since the moon landing in 1969. with those proportions i think you're gonna be needing one of these barbie what beautiful rims you have to offset the sadness it only made sense that mattel would bring barbie into the burgeoning market of gaming her widespread appeal was sure to sell starting with commodore 64's barbie aptly titled now i'm interested to know how they got a whole barbie in this little disc that's technology for you okay we're off to a good start glassy music also nice uh playboy bunny costume you got there why are you wearing that is it this is a kid's game is that just how you dress then on normal basis okay hello hi barbie it's ken would you like to go to the prom sounds like fun great see you in an hour so far on the sound design we're looking at a perfect 10. well this was 1984. maybe this is just what people thought video games were i can't move the car or do anything what's going on is this clock somehow related wait do i seriously have to just wait and watch her drive for an hour oh okay you can go into these businesses along the strip that's cool i'm going to look beautiful so i guess i'm just trying to get ready for that date with 56k modem ken see you in an hour okay i'm all ready looking good looking good waiting for that hour mark and let's go ken hello hi barbie it's ken would you like to go to dinner but can we we already had a date dude you can't just flake on me like this all right maybe i screwed it up maybe he could sense i wasn't pretty enough over the phone okay i look great one hour let's go hello hi barbie it's ken would you like to go to the pool sounds like fun great see you in an hour what is this some kind of twilight zone episode where barbie just keeps getting ready for various dates with ken when in reality ken died in a horrific yachting accident that barbie refuses to accept hello hi barbie it's ken i miss you it's so quiet after you die there's nothing but the voices they never stop see you in an hour okay so what it turns out you have to do is get into the right outfit which is very specific for some reason and return home before an hour passes so this game can be summed up holy as getting ready for a date with ken also if you ain't looking fine he ain't taking you nowhere you're going to mcdonald's for dinner okay on to the next one ken you're creepy barbie you got to stand up for yourself more and if i were a small girl i'd probably never touch video games again after this next up is barbie for nes let's see if technology improved the barbie experience oh god what have you done to yourself barbie why is your hair the same color as your skin oh god it looks like you're made out of fried chicken a glamorous quest full of fun magic and adventure barb is a trademark of italian copyright 991. that one looks like mickey and that one looks like a cease and desist so we find barbie laying in bed reading a book about mermaids which apparently she loves as she literally proclaims it tomorrow's a busy day i'm having lunch at the soda shop going swimming at the beach and meeting ken at the party tomorrow poor sweet barbie what a burden you carry in this life of ours at least you'll get some welcome respite in your dreams never mind i'm getting stressed out just looking at this sports this game is a basic platformer you move left and right with barbie and throw diamonds to solve puzzles and avoid obstacles boy she does not have much power behind that throat well maybe if you ate a piece of food now and again your muscles would come back from atrophy and here we have the terrifying first boss of this game a giant cage of beach balls hell-bent on destroying barbie for some reason if you pay this cat in diamonds it'll close the hatch for you defeating the boss you hit the nail on the head barbie money can solve any problem the next level features an assortment of clothes throwing themselves at barbie in hopes that she'll buy them shoes hats pantyhose or maybe there's that bacon barbie's dreaming about because she's hungry as [ __ ] we'd look great on you bobby bye yes i want to feel your skin inside me essentially this is a game about barbie dreaming about all the things she has to do tomorrow instead of being a game about barbie doing all the things she has to do tomorrow i think they were trying to go for a david lynch darren aronofsky thing you know it's heavy stuff oops died from a fountain fish should i go back to sleep or should i wake up wake up barbie you've been in a coma for 17 years also you look like a grey alien ah don't at the end of the game you find some magical shoes turn into a princess and marry donald trump what else is new this is 1991 who didn't want to marry donald trump i [ __ ] did here's my picture of me want to marry donald trump let's try the game boy companion to this title barbie game girl get ready to play barbie [ __ ] barbie what happened to your face you look like [ __ ] voldemort in the actual gameplay she looks a bit better and and by a bit better i mean she looks like a star wars deep lore creature oh barbie shooting diamonds out of your vagina again come on i know you were raised in the arid desert jungles of talbot six but have some respect we just don't do that here so this is the exact same game as on the nes but the platforming is incredibly slow in fact they were both made by the same company in glenrock new jersey no bad new jersey bad state go to your room whoa she's super mom supporting the capitalist economy by buying hearty helpings of crocs for everyone what an american hero let's move on to the snes surely there must have been a barbie game on here that brought happiness to a child at some point barbie's supermodel let's go so so what's going on here barbie's in a posh restaurant drinking wine and journaling but she's dreaming about driving down hollywood boulevard you know they say dream big but barbie you gotta dream a little bigger than that all right hollywood boulevard all the favorites are here hollywood museum vaguely chinese theater new i mean what's really going on here anyway okay is there some sort of funny business going on what does our son need sunglasses for you know that's like like a little dang old dog walking himself down the street stupid dog can't do that no you know on second thought he must be shielding his eyes from barbie's pure star power or maybe actually maybe it's just a horrible pink corvette come on the first game i've run into is literally a matching game where you just match barbie with magazine covers this is less thrilling than around a bathroom sudoku and at least during that i get to take a [ __ ] back to driving not really sure where i'm headed this time but oh [ __ ] that's a hit and run but it's okay forgive her you would have done the same in her shoes because barbie is terribly late for walking practice this is just walking you press a direction hit a button and repeat uh this is game i have seen game that this is not game so as it turns out that is just a practice mini game for the actual runway so if you didn't memorize the walk pattern there you won't be able to do it here the most positive thing i can say about this game is that it does not revolve around getting ready for a date with ken the [ __ ] am i looking at right now am i looking at you dreaming about being at the beach while you're at the [ __ ] beach do you know what a homeless person is have you ever stepped foot outside of a mansion before has anyone ever frowned at you oh i get it this must all be a dream cause i've been in la for more than 10 minutes and i haven't seen one hypodermic needle or used condom the other game for snes is barbie's vacation adventure sounds promising here you explore some of america's most famous locations such as california florida texas iowa and what wyoming well that's literally america's least populated state 50 of the population is just hostile winds you know i'm being hard on you wyoming let's give you a shot wow that was just as bad as i thought it was going to be each location serves as a different mini game this one turns into some sort of tent puzzle outdoor adventure when you finally do get to some platforming in this game it's atrocious ugh i can't even land on these platforms the edge distance changes each time it can't make up its mind wyoming more like i'm going homing am i am i fired yeah all right whatever let's go find fun in a regular part of the world you know like iowa as pictured here with its most famous resident clowns let's try texas ye olde home on the range that's that's that's something they say there right you get to ride a horse in this one i uh i said the whole thing about it already all right i usually don't like to say this much but let's go to florida oh saying that just burned my mouth for some reason oh my god this is literally just the underwater level from donkey kong country the signs with the arrows the fish even the music is a cheap rip-off well the one good thing about this is we can just give up and watch her slowly die just gotta wait for this meter to go down well okay let's just you know speed this up a bit then the fish aren't obstacles nothing in the environment is an obstacle even the lack of oxygen isn't an obstacle the only thing keeping me from completing this game is not giving a [ __ ] alright last stop california welcome home we've hidden your presents around the house yeah welcome home good luck finding your insulin [ __ ] you might not even be in this apartment god [ __ ] damn it where's my goddamn presents hiding my [ __ ] all over my house you got to be kidding me with this horse hockey all right let's move on to barbie's magic genie adventure for the game boy color of which one of the back of the box selling points is teach baby horses to fly looks like we're in for something magical this game starts off with barbie and her magical genie friends having a magical picnic but a dark wizard is lurking in the distance looking at de ass and being a general creep in reality though what this guy is doing is eyeing up their genie lamps which is oddly not a sexual euphemism and he's also got a big black unicorn which actually is a sexual euphemism you're already riding a goddamn flying unicorn how much power do you need dude believe it or not hey this one's actually pretty good you fly around on your magic carpet through mazes while collecting items and solving puzzles all of this to restore your friends magical powers but something feels off here something's not right no one's told me to change my dress or to get ready for a date with ken yet or excuse me in this world he's ken they made a pc version of this game as well for some reason and it comes with that stupid genie lamp i have no idea how to use it it's from the 90s it has some weird dvi input i turned into a little boy and went in here myself i can't get in there now i'm a grown-up ah looks like barbie's coming down with a bad case of e.t neck gotta say it's an upgrade this one only three tanning salons and four gucci stores in the whole thing it's basically a classic maybe this one will have something barbie horse adventures blue ribbon race for gba i did i did not i did not add this music i would never have thought to add this music this is the real music i'm never going to sleep again now all right but those were the days of old i mean what did we really expect right maybe they turned a new leaf with the playstation games onward i'm sure it's gonna be fine hi i'm barbie check out this new outfit ah i'm still bad ah come on there's gotta be what's something of substance to do in this room what's over here oh this is a buildup oh come on baby money's on black this is gonna be good and goat goat is here go old old arch enemy goat of barbies bear so many barbies so little time how is she so many places all at once how does she have so many skills how can she be a dreamer a horse rider a runway model a snowboarder an explorer an aerobics instructor an art teacher a dentist a surgeon a paratrooper and a mcdonald's cashier all at once no one person can be this many things not unless she's not who we think she is at all unless we've been lied to all this time something's up something's not right this all goes deeper and i'm gonna get to the bottom of it they're giving out free stuff in there wow this is fascinating people used to actually use these things before the internet is barbie created the concept for the original barbie was taken from a pre-existing german doll known as willie who's lily lily was a sex doll marketed to adults and smoke shops as a joke gift this is it i have seven of them do you want one i knew barbie had a secret pass they changed her name and identity to push her evil sexy agenda i mean she's not appropriate for children at all she's just a ploy by the giant marketing tycoons this is horrible that's not even the worst thing look at this oh my god is that really what florida looks like thank you so much for watching the beginning of season three of jontron it's thanks to you we can keep making this show so if you want to help support it consider signing up for a free 30-day trial at this link audible.com jontron this company offers audio books and this month i recommend to you the disaster artist my life inside the room by greg sestero and tom bissell since it is him narrating it he actually does tommy wiseau's voice so oh you got to listen to it if you like the room if you missed any of the previous episodes click here

Channel: JonTronShow

Views: 15,715,513

Keywords: jontron, Barbie (Collection Category), barbie games, teen talk, jontronshow, nes, Barbie: Game Girl (Video Game), barbie vacation adventure, Barbie: Super Model (Video Game), blue ribbon race, horse riding, barbie explorer

Id: ml8gK3B3daE

Length: 16min 50sec (1010 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 25 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/danash182]

Finally. This subreddit can overcome its mental illness for another month. Although I will miss the various jon photoshops.

[u/[deleted]]

"That one looks like a Cease & Desist" Never leave again Jon (;

[u/hasfarr]

OH MY GOD IS THAT REALLY WHAT FLORIDA LOOKS LIKE?!?!?

[u/SHINX_FUCKER]

Is it over? C-can the sub finally go back to normal?

[u/Whynautilus]

GET READY TO PLAY BARBIE BITCHEEEEEES

[u/Mongoose42]

As a resident of Wyoming, Jon's description of this state is spot on.

[u/Martian_Media]

I was literally just wondering when the next JonTron was going to come out.

Then it did.

AM I A WIZARD?

[u/MavenOfMisfortune]

Systemic oppression, the emptiness of death, muscular atrophy, and Donald Trump.

...dis gonna be a good video.

[u/styxman34]

SP^{o O O O O} OOORTS!