>> Stephen: WELL, HEY, THERE. WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. I'VE BEEN OFF FOR A WEEK, BUT
I'M BACK. AND SO IS A LITTLE LADY I CAL
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BECAUSE PANDEMIC
RESTRICTIONS ARE LIFTING AND FOLKS ARE GETTING BACK TO
EVERYTHING WE MISSED: HUGGING, KISSING, SHARING A HOT
DOG WITH A STRANGER LADY-AND-THE-TRAMP STYLE. COME ON! HELP ME HERE, CHRIS! COME ON! ( LAUGHTER )
MORE CONEY ISLAND FOR ME. OF COURSE, THE MOST IMPORTANT
SIGN THAT THINGS ARE GETTING BACK TO NORMAL HAPPENS ONE WEEK
FROM TONIGHT, WHEN I RETURN TO TE ED SULLIVAN THEATER FOR A
SPECIAL SHOW WE'RE CALLING: THE LATE SHOW VAX IN ACTION: AN
IMMUNITY THEATER PRODUCTION OF THE STATE OF THE REUNION, CART:
WITH A LIVE BODY AUDI-AUDI-AUDIENCE! ( LAUGHTER )
YOU DIDN'T EXPECT THE HOT DOG TO COME BACK. WHY DON'T I HAVE A HOT DOG PROP. GET YOUR MONEY'S WORTH OUT OF
THAT CONEY. ( LAUGHTER )
AMERICA'S SLOW CRAWL TO NORMALITY IS ALL THANKS TO THE
VACCINE ROLLOUT. I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT'S: "THE VAX-SCENE." (SINGING TO "BEER BARREL POLKA")
COME AND GET YOUR SHOT NOW THIS IS THE POKE YA POLKA
WE POLKA WHILE WE POKE YA SO YOU DON'T GET CORONA
COME AND GET YOUR SHOT NOW THIS IS THE POKE YA POLKA
WE POLKA WHILE WE POKE YA WE ARE THE POKE YA POLKAS
♪♪♪ >> THANK YOU! VERY MUCH. GOOD NIGHT. THAT'S ALL WE'VE GOT! ♪♪♪
>> Stephen: GRAPHICS GET PAID BY THE MINUTE, RIGHT? IS THAT WHY THEY'RE SO LONG? IMMUNIZATIONS HAVE BEEN SO
EFFECTIVE, THAT WE JUST GOT THIS NEWS:
>> COVID CASES ARE NOW AT THE LOWEST POINT IN THE UNITED
STATES SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE PANDEMIC. >> STEPHEN: I'M NOT ACTUALLY
SURPRISED. I'M JUST CELEBRATING THAT I CAN
DO SPIT TAKES AGAIN. ENJOY THE ANTIBODIES, MARK. OVER THE MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND,
SO MANY PEOPLE CAME OUT TO CELEBRATE THAT ONE CLUB MANAGER
SAID, IT FELT LIKE THE END OF PROHIBITION. OF COURSE, BACK THEN IT WAS THE
END OF MAKING BATHTUB GIN, AND NOW IT'S THE END OF DRINKING GIN
IN THE BATHTUB. I'M GONNA MISS MY MR. BUBBLE
GIMLETS. I'M SERIOUS, THERE'S LITERALLY
SPITTLE ON THE LENS. HERE YOU GO. BRING IT BACK. BRING IT BACK. THERE YOU GO. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M NOT GOING
TO HAVE ON NEXT WEEK THIS TIME? SLIPPERS. ( LAUGHTER )
I COULDN'T FIND MY SHOES! SO I SAID, ( BLEEP ) IT, I'LL
WEAR SLIPPERS. WHAT DOES IT MATTER? I'M DOING IT IN A BROOM CLOSET. NEXT WEEK, I PROMISE, THIS IS MY
PLEDGE TO AMERICA, I WILL NOT WEAR A FIVE-YEAR-OLD PEAR OF
UGGS NEXT MONDAY NIGHT. IT'S NOT JUST NIGHTCLUBS AND
BARS RE-OPENING. SAM'S CLUB AND COSTCO HAVE
ANNOUNCED THEY'RE BRINGING BACK FREE SAMPLES. FINALLY, AMERICANS CAN GO BACK
TO PLAYING OUR FAVORITE GROCERY GAME: IS THIS MEAT? THE ANSWER? I DON'T CARE. IT'S ON A TOOTHPICK, AND IT'S
FREE. BUT SOME RE-OPENINGS ARE A
LITTLE CHOPPIER, LIKE IN THE CRUISE INDUSTRY. BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF COVID,
CRUISES BECAME FLOATING PRISONS OF MEDICAL-GRADE DESPAIR. BUT ROYAL CARIBBEAN HAS
ANNOUNCED A US COMEBACK THIS SUMMER. THERE'S ONLY ONE CATCH:
VACCINATIONS ARE OPTIONAL. WHAT THE WHAT? YOU CAN'T TRUST CRUISE
PASSENGERS TO MAKE SMART HEALTH DECISIONS. THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO WAIT IN
LINE TO SCOOP UP MACARONI SALAD FROM A BIN A TODDLER LOST A
FLIP-FLOP IN. THE REASONS -- THERE ARE A LOT
OF REASONS, THERE MANY REASONS THE VACCINES ARE
OPTIONAL IS THAT A LOT OF THESE CRUISES DEPART FROM FLORIDA,
WHERE THEY JUST PASSED A LAW THAT NOT ONLY PROHIBITS
BUSINESSES FROM REQUIRING VACCINATIONS, BUT
WILL FINE COMPANIES $5,000 EACH TIME THEY REQUIRE VACCINATION
PROOF FROM A PATRON. THAT'S A TOUGH BEAT FOR FLORIDA
COPS. ATTENTION ALL UNITS, WE HAVE A
REPORT THAT COLDSTONE CREAMERY IS TRYING TO KEEP CUSTOMERS
ALIVE. IMMEDIATELY REDIRECT ALL
OFFICERS AWAY FROM THE METH-FUELED ALLIGATOR KNIFE
FIGHT. GET ME A BROWNIE MIXIN. THE FIRST CRUISE IS SCHEDULED
FOR JULY 2, AND TO ENSURE SAFETY, ROYAL CARIBBEAN IS
CONDUCTING SIMULATION CRUISES. WHICH I ASSUME MEANS TESTING THE
ENDURANCE OF PASSENGERS WITH A SHRIMP TEST DUMMY. SPEAKING OF THINGS OPENING UP,
THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S MOUTH. ON SATURDAY NIGHT,
"FATTY KRUGER" GAVE A SPEECH TO THE NORTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN
PARTY, WHERE HE SAID A BUNCH OF STUFF BUT NOBODY PAID ATTENTION
BECAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE HE WORE PANTS BACKWARDS. LET'S TAKE A PEEK: HERE HE IS,
LEAVING THE PODIUM, AND LOOKING FOR THE ZIPPER... AND... NOTHING. EITHER HE SHARES A TAILOR WITH A
KEN DOLL, OR HE SPENDS SO MUCH TIME YANKING STUFF OUT OF HIS
KEISTER, IT JUST HELPS TO HAVE THE ZIPPER BACK THERE. BUT IT RAISED A LOT OF
QUESTIONS, LIKE: HOW DID HE ZIP THE PANTS? WAS HIS BELT ALSO ON BACKWARDS? AND HOW LUCKY ARE WE THAT THIS
MAN NO LONGER HAS THE NUCLEAR CODES? I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO ENJOYED
THE IMAGE. ON TWITTER, THE FORMER PRESIDENT
QUICKLY DREW COMPARISONS TO 90'S CHILD HIP-HOP DUO FAMOUS FOR
WEARING THEIR PANTS BACKWARDS, KRISS KROSS. THAT'S RIDICULOUS. THEIR INITIALS ARE K-K, WHICH IS
ONE LESS THAN THE EX PRESIDENT PREFERS. BUT THE BACKWARD PANTS PARTY
ABRUPTLY ENDED WHEN THE FACT-SHACKLERS OVER AT
SNOPES.COM CLARIFIED, NO, THE FORMER PRESIDENT DID NOT WEAR
HIS PANTS BACKWARDS. OH, THEN I GUESS WE WON'T HAVE A
THIRD IMPEACHMENT TRIAL NOW. IT'S A SHAME BECAUSE THEY'VE
ALREADY DRAFTED THE ARTICLES OF IM-PANTS-MENT. THE FACT CHECKER EXPLAINED THAT
SNOPES LOOKED THROUGH PHOTOGRAPHS TAKEN AT THE EVENT
AND PUBLISHED BY THE VISUAL MEDIA COMPANY GETTY IMAGES THAT
CLEARLY SHOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT ON STAGE WEARING PANTS
WITH A ZIPPER IN THE FRONT. ADDING, HOW IS THIS MY JOB? MOM, YOU WERE RIGHT. I SHOULD HAVE WORKED FOR DAD AT
THE LUMBER YARD. APPARENTLY, THE ORIGINAL VIDEO
IS LOW RES, BUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE HI RES IMAGE, IT'S CLEAR
HE'S GOT A ZIPPER. NORMALLY, WHEN YOU PAY THAT MUCH
ATTENTION TO HIS CROTCH, YOU GET $130,000. BUT THIS IS ALARMING, BECAUSE IT
CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING: SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET ISN'T
TRUE! YOU KNOW FOLKS, MOVING ON,
AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES ARE LIKE UNICORNS: RARELY SEEN, MOSTLY
WHITE, HORNY, AND DON'T PAY TAXES. BUT THERE'S MORE THAN ONE KIND:
YOUR RUN-OF-THE-MILL MULTIBILLIONAIRE PUTTERS AROUND
IN THEIR PERSONAL SUBMARINE LIKE SOME KIND OF SEA PEASANT, AND
THE TRUE HYPER-ELITES HAVE THEIR OWN SPACE PROGRAMS. I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST
IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF -- (ECHOING)
SPAAACE NEEEEWWS! BILLIONAIRES IN SPACE EDITION! FIRST UP, AMAZON FOUNDER AND
HIGH SCHOOL SCIENCE TEACHER HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS, JEFF
BEZOS. TODAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT BEZOS
IS GOING TO SPACE. THAT IS FANTASTIC! ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE
GIANT LEAP FOR-- WHAT'S THAT? HE'S COMING BACK? NEVER MIND. BEZOS IS GOING TO BE RIDING
ON THE FIRST CREWED FLIGHT OF THE NEW SHEPARD, THE ROCKET SHIP
MADE BY HIS SPACE COMPANY, BLUE ORIGIN. AS PREPARATION FOR SPACEFLIGHT,
BEZOS HAS ASKED HIS WAREHOUSE WORKERS TO SHOW HIM HOW TO PEE
DISCREETLY INTO A TUBE. BEZOS IS GOING TO GO UP THERE
WITH HIS BROTHER, WHICH IS NICE, BUT THE BEZOS BRO SPACE
ADVENTURE WILL BE SHORT BECAUSE, THE ASTRONAUTS WILL, EXPERIENCE
WEIGHTLESSNESS FOR NEARLY THREE MINUTES. OR AS AMAZON WAREHOUSE WORKERS
CALL IT: LUNCH. OF COURSE, BEZOS'S CHIEF
BILLIONAIRE RIVAL IN SPACE EXPLORATION IS
SpaceX FOUNDER AND COMEDIC VOICE OF A
GENERATION, ELON MUSK. THIS TRIP MEANS THAT BEZOS IS
GETTING TO SPACE BEFORE MUSK. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT MUSK'S SPACE
X HAD SOME SWEET NASA CONTRACTS, BUT JUST LAST MONTH FOLLOWING
PROTESTS FROM JEFF BEZOS' BLUE ORIGIN, NASA AND SPACEX'S $2.9
BILLION CONTRACT HAS BEEN SUSPENDED. BUT MUSK HASN'T TAKEN IT LYING
DOWN. IN RESPONSE TO BEZOS' PROTEST,
HE TWEETED CAN'T GET IT UP --
TO ORBIT -- LOL. CAN'T GET IT UP? HAVE YOU SEEN JEFF BEZOS? HE IS IT UP IN A BLUE SHIRT. NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE NOT
ASKING: JUST WHY ARE THESE BILLION-AHOLES GOING AT IT LIKE
THIS? MAYBE BECAUSE THERE ARE DEFENSE
CONTRACTS AND SATELLITE BASED INTERNET DEALS AT STAKE WITH
TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO BE MADE. TRILLIONS! IF ONE OF THESE GUYS MADE A
TRILLION BUCKS, IMAGINE HOW MUCH NO TAXES THEY WOULD PAY. IN OTHER SPACE NEWS, IT FEELS
LIKE FOR THE LAST MONTH, WE'VE BEEN GETTING NEW HOT SCOOPS
ABOUT U.F.O.S, WITH ALL KINDS OF UNEXPLAINED OBJECTS ZOOMING
AROUND NEAR THE US MILITARY CAPTURED IN SHAKY, GRAINY
FOOTAGE. IT'S ALL PART OF THE BUILDUP TO
THE RELEASE OF AN UPCOMING GOVERNMENT REPORT ON U.F.O.S. IT'S NOT OUT YET, BUT THERE'S
GOOD NEWS: OFFICIALS HAVE BEEN BRIEFED ON THE FINDINGS, AND,
FOLKS, WE'VE GOT THE INSIDE SCOOP. GRAB YOUR TINFOIL AND HIDE YOUR
BRAINWAVES BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, U.S. FINDS NO EVIDENCE OF ALIEN
TECHNOLOGY IN FLYING OBJECTS, BUT CAN'T RULE IT OUT, EITHER. OH, MY GOD! THE ONLY WAY TO HAVE KNOWN THAT
WOULD BE TO HAVE NOT READ THE REPORT. COME ON, NASA, THAT'S NOT
TELLING US ANYTHING. THERE'S A REASON THE X-FILES
SLOGAN WASN'T THERE IS NO EVIDENCE FOR THE
TRUTH BEING OUT THERE. BUT WE CAN'T RULE OUT THE TRUTH
BEING NOT IN HERE. IT FEELS LIKE THEY'RE JUST
FILING THIS REPORT BECAUSE THEY PROMISED TO HAVE IT READY BY
JUNE. THE REPORT ITSELF CONCEDES THAT
MUCH ABOUT THE OBSERVED PHENOMENA REMAINS DIFFICULT TO
EXPLAIN, INCLUDING THEIR ACCELERATION, AS WELL AS ABILITY
TO CHANGE DIRECTION AND SUBMERGE. WELL, IF YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN IT,
THEN MAYBE DON'T TURN IN THE REPORT YET. YOU'RE LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL
JUNIOR: "MOBY DICK IS ABOUT A WHALE AND
A MAN ON A BOAT AND SOME STUFF ABOUT KNOTS, BUT THE REST OF THE
BOOK REMAINS DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN BECAUSE I DIDN'T FINISH
IT. TONY HAD EVERYBODY UP TO THE
LAKE HOUSE THIS WEEKEND. CALL ME ISHMAEL." THE ONLY CONCRETE ASSERTION THAT
THE GOVERNMENT MAKES IS THAT THE LAST 20 YEARS OF U.F.O. INCIDENTS DID NOT ORIGINATE FROM
ANY AMERICAN MILITARY OR OTHER ADVANCED U.S. GOVERNMENT
TECHNOLOGY. SO IT IS TOTALLY AMERICAN
MILITARY OR OTHER ADVANCED US GOVERNMENT TECHNOLOGY. BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY'RE GONNA
LIE. THAT'S WHY IN THE 80S YOU NEVER
SAW A GOVERNMENT REPORT TITLED: OKAY, YOU GOT US. CARDS ON THE TABLE: WE BUILT A
STEALTH BOMBER LOOK HOW BADASS THIS IS! BUT THEY INSIST IT'S NOT
AMERICAN, AND SOME OFFICIALS BELIEVE THE PHENOMENA COULD HAVE
BEEN EXPERIMENTAL TECHNOLOGY FROM A RIVAL POWER, MOST LIKELY
RUSSIA OR CHINA. HMM, JIM, CAN YOU SHOW ME A
STILL OF THAT FOOTAGE? CAN YOU ZOOM IN? NOW ENHANCE... BUSTED! AT THAT ALTITUDE, HIS NIPPLES
MUST BE LIKE DIAMONDS. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS CHRIS MATTHEWS. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, OUR
UNINFORMED CORRESPONDENT BOOTSIE PLUNKETT EXPLORES THIS SUMMER'S
CICADA SWARM. STICK AROUND. ♪♪♪
Was Trump Pampered? It Depends...