WELCOME IN HERE, OUT THERE, TO
"THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. THE BIG NEWS TODAY--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> THE BIG NEWS TODAY IS THE BIG
THING THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN YESTERDAY, WHEN, THANKS TO THE
FILIBUSTER, SENATE DEMOCRATS' BIG VOTING RIGHTS BILL, THE "FOR
THE PEOPLE" ACT, FAILED 50-50 ON STRAIGHT PARTY LINES. THE REPUBLICANS
( BOOING ) THE REPUBLICANS INSTEAD
SUPPORTED THE "FOR SOME OF THE PEOPLE-- WE CAN'T SAY IT OUT
LOUD, BUT YOU KNOW WHICH ONES WE MEAN-- ACT." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
REPUBLICANS HAD A LOT OF STUPID EXPLANATIONS FOR BLOCKING THE
BILL. BUT THE CREME DE LA DUMB CAME
FROM SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND MAN REALIZING HE LEFT THE HOUS
( BOOING ) WITHOUT HIS TOP TEETH, MITCH
McCONNELL. BEFORE THE VOTE, McCONNELL
EXPLAINED WHY OUR COMPLETELY DYSFUNCTIONAL SENATE IS
ACTUALLY FUNCTIONAL. >> THE SENATE IS ONLY AN
OBSTACLE WHEN THE POLICY IS FLAWED AND THE PROCESS IS
ROTTEN. AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHY THIS BODY
EXISTS. TODAY, THE SENATE'S GOING TO
FULFILL OUR FOUNDING PURPOSE. >> Stephen: YES, THE SENATE'S
FOUNDING PURPOSE: TO DO NOTHING. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
IT'S RIGHT THERE IN ARTICLE 1: "ALL LEGISLATIVE POWERS HEREIN
GRANTED SHALL BE VESTED IN A CONGRESS OF THE UNITED STATES,
WHICH SHALL CONSIST OF A SENATE, WHERE ONE WIZENED, ANCIENT
TURTLE-MAN, WITH NO REGARD FOR ANYTHING BUT THE
SELF-PRESERVATION OF HIS OWN POWER, SHALL, WITH HIS POCKETS
STUFFED WITH GREASY BAGS OF MONEY, STRANGLE THE HOPE OF ALL
WHO DARE TO DREAM OF TRUE DEMOCRACY. AND RECOGNIZE APRIL AS NATIONAL
JAZZ MONTH." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
CONGRATULATIONS-- CONGRATULATIONS ON NATIONAL JAZZ
MONTH. THEY GOT SOMETHING DONE. THEY GOT SOMETHING DONE. DESPITE THE SETBACK, DEMOCRATIC
SENATOR AMY KLOBUCHAR VOWED TO FIGHT ON. >> SO, MY REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES,
THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE LINE FOR THIS BILL. THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE LINE. >> Stephen: AND THANKS TO
REPUBLICANS, THAT'S SOMETHING A LOT OF VOTERS WILL BE HEARING. "THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE
LINE. THIS IS THE BEGINNING. THE LINE STRETCHES AROUND THE
NEXT THREE BLOCKS. ALSO, NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO
GIVE YOU WATER. IF YOU BROUGHT YOUR OWN WATER,
YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE IS NO PLACE TO PEE, UNTIL YOU FINISH
YOUR BOTTLE OF WATER. OVER-- THAT SUNK IN. OVER IN THE JUDICIAL BRANCH, THE
SUPREME COURT IS ISSUING A FLURRY OF DECISIONS BEFORE
THEIR SUMMER BREAK-- THEY'VE BEEN WORKING HARD TO FIT INTO
THEIR BEACH ROBES. TODAY, THE COURT RULED IN FAVOR
OF A PENNSYLVANIA HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADER, WHOSE SCHOOL KICKED
HER OFF THE J.V. CHEER SQUAD AFTER SHE FAILED TO MAKE THE
VARSITY TEAM AND THEN POSTED A SNAPCHAT RANT SHOWING HER AND
HER FRIEND HOLDING UP THEIR MIDDLE FINGERS WITH THE CAPTION
"(BLEEP) SCHOOL, (BLEEP) SOFTBALL, (BLEEP), CHEER,
(BLEEP) EVERYTHING." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
I CAN-- <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
I STRUCK A CHORD. THAT STRUCK A CHORD. I CAN SEE WHY THEY MIGHT HAVE
THOUGHT THE GIRLS DIDN'T HAVE THE MOST POSITIVE ATTITUDE FOR
THE CHEER SQUAD. "THIS TEAM SUCKS,
YOU DUMB CUCKS, BIIIITE MY ASS!"<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IT. SQUATS. THE COURT RULED THAT SHE
COULDN'T BE PUNISHED BECAUSE HER SNAPCHAT WASN'T ON SCHOOL
GROUNDS. THE RULING WAS 8-1, WITH THE
LONE HOLDOUT, CLARENCE THOMAS, WHO LATER ISSUED A SCATHING
DISSENT ON SNAPCHAT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> YEAH. THAT WAS-- THAT'S TRUE. THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. HOLD ON! I'M BEING TOLD WE'RE GETTING
BREAKING NEWS ON THE NEW YORK CITY MAYORAL ELECTION. IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY, WITH
84% OF PRECINCTS REPORTING, "THE LATE SHOW" IS READY TO PROJECT
THAT NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
ZILCH. SO FAR, BROOKLYN BOROUGH
PRESIDENT ERIC ADAMS IS IN THE LEAD. BUT HE DID NOT GET 50% OF THE
VOTE, SO IT'S ANYONE'S GUESS WHO'S GOING TO WIN IN THE END. ONE PERSON HAS ALREADY VOTED
HIMSELF OFF THE ISLAND OF MANHATTAN: FORMER PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE AND MAN WHO IS GOING TO GIVE YOU A GREAT DEAL ON THIS
AMERICAN FLAG, ANDREW YANG. LAST NIGHT, YANG CONCEDED THE
RACE. THIS HAS GOT TO BE A
DISAPPOINTMENT, BECAUSE YANG STARTED STRONG, BUT IN THE END,
HE WAS BETRAYED BY HIS LONGTIME FRIEND: MATH. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> GOTTA STING. THAT'S GOTTA STING. >> Jon: YEAH! GOT HIM GOOD! >> Stephen: AS NEW YORK GETS
BACK TO NORMAL, MORE NEW YORKERS ARE LOOKING TO GET STRANGE,
WHICH IS WHY THIS WEEK, THE NEW YORK CITY DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH
UPDATED THEIR GUIDELINES FOR SAFER SEX AND COVID, INCLUDING
ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE IT KINKY-- <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
OOOOH, YEAH! BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "KINKY"
LIKE "CITY GUIDELINES." "OOH, BABY, I'M GONNA BACK MY
CAR RIGHT UP TO YOUR LOADING ZONE, (WHISPERS) EXCEPT TUESDAYS
FROM 11:00 TO 4:00. HEY, BABY, HEY, BABY
YOU WANNA BRING SOMEBODY ELSE IN HERE AND PARK THIS THING
ON ALTERNATE SIDES?" <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
ONE OF THEIR SUGGESTIONS IS TO MAINTAIN SOME SOCIAL DISTANCE BY
"BEING CREATIVE WITH SEXUAL POSITIONS AND PHYSICAL BARRIERS,
LIKE WALLS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU'RE ABLE TO HAVE SEX AROUND A WALL,
CONGRATULATIONS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> <i> ( CHEERING )</i>
A DOG LEG THERE. AND IF YOU ARE USING A SEX WALL,
MAKE SURE THERE IS A STUD EVERY 18 INCHES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE CITY ALSO EMPHASIZE THAT YOU GET VACCINATED IF YOU ATTEND SEX
PARTIES, HAVE GROUP SEX, OR SEX WITH PEOPLE YOU DO NOT KNOW--
ALSO, IF YOU WANT TO DO NON-SEX STUFF, LIKE GO TO THE MOVIES. SOME OF US WOULD RATHER "SEE"
F9 WITH PEOPLE, THAN GO TO A PARTY AND "EFF" NINE PEOPLE. THAT'S GOOD. I WANT TO SEE THAT. I WANT TO SEE THAT. BUT IF YOU ARE GOING TO A SEX
PARTY-- AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU ARE--
THEY MAKE IT CLEAR: PICK LARGER, MORE OPEN AND WELL-VENTILATED
SPACES. WAIT A SECOND, DOES THAT MEAN
THAT THERE USED TO BE SEX PARTIES THAT WERE POORLY
VENTILATED? "ALL RIGHT, WE GOT 40 PEOPLE
COMING OVER FOR THE FLESH PIT. THEY ARE ALL GOING TO BE HOT,
OILED, AND SECRETING, SO SEAL THE WINDOWS AND JAM A TOWEL
UNDER THE DOOR, BECAUSE I WANNA LOCK IN THE AROMA LIKE
WE'RE IN A CROCK POT FULL OF BALLS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> THAT'S--
♪ ♪ ♪ I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE-- HERE'S
THE THING, JON-- AND HEAR ME OUT ON THIS ONE. EVERYONE HEAR ME OUT ON THIS
ONE. I WAS A YOUNG MAN, A YOUNG
TEENAGER. I HEARD STORIES AND RUMORS IN
THE ADULT SEX WORLD THAT THERE WERE SEX PARTIES AND ORGIES AND
FLESH PITSZ. THEN I GREW UP AND FOUND OUT
THERE'S NONE OF THAT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
AT LEAST FOR ME. AND I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS. BUT THIS-- THESE GUIDELINES... <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
HINT TO A WORLD OF WANTON... ( BLEEP ) THAT I KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE ).</i> <i> ( CHEERING )</i>
AND I WANT-- I'M SORRY, I DON'T-- I DON'T ACTUALLY
BELIEVE-- I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THESE ARE NECESSARY. I ACTUALLY DON'T THINK THAT
THERE ARE SEX PARTIES GOING ON AROUND THE CITY. I THINK THERE'S ONE GUY--
>> I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD! >> Stephen: WHAT? >> I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD. >> Stephen: STAND UP. NO, THANK YOU. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> I LIKE THE HAT, THOUGH. I LIKE THE HAT. I THINK THERE'S ONE GUY AT THE
CITY HEALTH DEPARTMENT WHO WANTS TO HAVE AN ORGY, AND HE GOES,
"WHAT IF I PUT UP THE GUIDE. MAYBE IT WILL JUST START
HAPPENING NOW." THAT'S MY THEORY. THAT'S MY THEORY. SPEAKING OF THINGS YOU DON'T
WANT TO SMELL, WE HAVE AN UPDATE ON FORMER PRESIDENT SCOOBY COUP. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
YESTERDAY, "THE DAILY BEAST" REPORTED THE FORMER PRESIDENT
WANTED HIS JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO STOP "S.N.L." FROM TEASING HIM. COME ON! COME ON! ( BOOING )
NO MATTER HOW MAD HE GOT, WHO IN THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WOULD
FOLLOW THAT ORDER? >> COULD IT BE...SATAN? <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: NO, BILL BARR REFUSED. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
YESTERDAY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT DENIED THE CHARGE, BUT ADDED,
"I DID SAY, HOWEVER, THAT ALEC BALDWIN HAS NO TALENT, CERTAINLY
WHEN IT COMES TO IMITATING ME. THE ONE WHO HAD WHAT IT TOOK WAS
DARRELL HAMMOND." WELL, GUESS WHAT, BULDY? <i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"YOU DON'T NEED A GOOD IMPRESSION FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE
IT. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
THIS ONE I'M DOING RIGHT NOW, THIS ONE... I AM-- THE AM THE
FIRST ONE WHO ADMIT MY IMPRESSION SUCKS ASS. AND IT WON ME A PEABODY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). NEVER AGAIN. NEVER AGAIN. >> Jon: NEVER AGAIN. >> Stephen: NEVER AGAIN. >> Jon: LET IT GO. YOU DON'T NEED IT. >> Stephen: IT IS POSSIBLE THE
ONLY REASON HE DIDN'T SINGLE OUT MY IMPRESSION IS THAT IT WAS SO
BAD, HE DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS DOING HIM. <i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"WHY IS THAT GUY DOING HARVEY FIERSTEIN?"
"I DON'T KNOW EITHER." AT LEAST EVERYONE AGREES HOW
AMAZINGLY DEAD-ON MY IMPRESSION OF JOE BIDEN IS. <i> ( AS EDWARD G. ROBINSON)</i>
"MEH, SEE, I'M JOE BIDEN, SEE? MEH. I RUN THIS TOWN, BANG, BANG." I'M JOKING. OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S ROBERT DE NIRO
PLAYING JOE BIDEN. THE FORMER PRESIDENT THEN
COMPLAINED ABOUT THE ELECTION AND OMINOUSLY CLOSED HIS
STATEMENT HINTING AT THE QANON CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT HE WILL
BE REINSTATED WITH THIS RHYME: "2024 OR BEFORE." NAH
( BOOING ) I THINK YOU'RE 2021 AND DONE. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
SPEAKING-- THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. SPEAKING OF THE FORMER
PRESIDENT, HIS DAUGHTER AND SON-IN-LAW DON'T WANT TO,
BECAUSE REPORTS SAY THAT IVANKA AND JARED KUSHNER HAVE
DISTANCED THEMSELVES FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS
CONSTANT COMPLAINTS. THAT COMPLAINT? <i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"WHY DOES HE GET TO DATE MY DAUGHTER? DOESN'T SEEM FAIR. WE'RE BOTH FAMILY." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
APPARENTLY, THE FEELING IS SOMEWHAT MUTUAL, BECAUSE
INSIDERS SAY THERE IS JEALOUSY FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT ABOUT
KUSHNER'S "SEVEN-FIGURE BOOK DEAL." EARLY REPORTS ARE THAT JARED'S
BOOK IS GOING TO BE A LOT LIKE JARED: GLOSSY AND NO SPINE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> OUT WEST, CALIFORNIA IS IN THE
GRIP OF A DROUGHT AND THAT'S CAUSING SACRAMENTO DRINKING
WATER TO TASTE LIKE DIRT. BUT ONE CITY OFFICIALS WARNED
RESIDENTS, IT MIGHT NOT TASTE GREAT BUT IT'S STILL SAFE TO
DRINK. AND WAS IMMEDIATELY SUED FOR
COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT BY MICHELOB ULTRA. BRACE YOURSELF. THERE'S SOME EARTH-SHATTERING
NEWS FROM THE SANDWICH WORLD. A RECENT LAB ANALYSIS OF SUBWAY
TUNA SANDWICHES FAILED TO IDENTIFY ANY TUNA D.N.A. YES, RESEARCHERS ARE NOW
SAMPLING TUNA SALAD'S GENETIC FINGERPRINTS. YOU CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT THE HUNT
FOR AQUATIC D.N.A. ON "SEA-S-I MIAMI"! AS SURPRISING AGZ THE NEWS WAS,
MORE SHOCKING IS HOW THEY REVEALED WANT RESULTS OF THE
D.N.A. TEST. >> YOU ARE NOT--
>> TUNA! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS CHRISTINE BARANSKI. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SPACE
NEWS! STICK AROUND!
In your dreams, Trump. In your dreams.
The man is a lunatic!What is scary is that there are people who believe him!
I love how the He who shall be named is still going on. How about “Lord Orange of the Insurrectionist Cheetos”?
you mean CULT 45?