No. 45 Denies Targeting Comedians, Insists He'll Be Back In The White House Soon

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In your dreams, Trump. In your dreams.

👍︎︎ 3 👤︎︎ u/AwkwrdPrtMskrt 📅︎︎ Jun 24 2021 🗫︎ replies

The man is a lunatic!What is scary is that there are people who believe him!

👍︎︎ 3 👤︎︎ u/micdeer19 📅︎︎ Jun 24 2021 🗫︎ replies

I love how the He who shall be named is still going on. How about “Lord Orange of the Insurrectionist Cheetos”?

👍︎︎ 2 👤︎︎ u/Ev3rst0rm 📅︎︎ Jun 24 2021 🗫︎ replies

you mean CULT 45?

👍︎︎ 1 👤︎︎ u/conundrum4u2 📅︎︎ Jun 25 2021 🗫︎ replies
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WELCOME IN HERE, OUT THERE, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. THE BIG NEWS TODAY--<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> THE BIG NEWS TODAY IS THE BIG THING THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN YESTERDAY, WHEN, THANKS TO THE FILIBUSTER, SENATE DEMOCRATS' BIG VOTING RIGHTS BILL, THE "FOR THE PEOPLE" ACT, FAILED 50-50 ON STRAIGHT PARTY LINES. THE REPUBLICANS ( BOOING ) THE REPUBLICANS INSTEAD SUPPORTED THE "FOR SOME OF THE PEOPLE-- WE CAN'T SAY IT OUT LOUD, BUT YOU KNOW WHICH ONES WE MEAN-- ACT." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> REPUBLICANS HAD A LOT OF STUPID EXPLANATIONS FOR BLOCKING THE BILL. BUT THE CREME DE LA DUMB CAME FROM SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND MAN REALIZING HE LEFT THE HOUS ( BOOING ) WITHOUT HIS TOP TEETH, MITCH McCONNELL. BEFORE THE VOTE, McCONNELL EXPLAINED WHY OUR COMPLETELY DYSFUNCTIONAL SENATE IS ACTUALLY FUNCTIONAL. >> THE SENATE IS ONLY AN OBSTACLE WHEN THE POLICY IS FLAWED AND THE PROCESS IS ROTTEN. AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHY THIS BODY EXISTS. TODAY, THE SENATE'S GOING TO FULFILL OUR FOUNDING PURPOSE. >> Stephen: YES, THE SENATE'S FOUNDING PURPOSE: TO DO NOTHING. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> IT'S RIGHT THERE IN ARTICLE 1: "ALL LEGISLATIVE POWERS HEREIN GRANTED SHALL BE VESTED IN A CONGRESS OF THE UNITED STATES, WHICH SHALL CONSIST OF A SENATE, WHERE ONE WIZENED, ANCIENT TURTLE-MAN, WITH NO REGARD FOR ANYTHING BUT THE SELF-PRESERVATION OF HIS OWN POWER, SHALL, WITH HIS POCKETS STUFFED WITH GREASY BAGS OF MONEY, STRANGLE THE HOPE OF ALL WHO DARE TO DREAM OF TRUE DEMOCRACY. AND RECOGNIZE APRIL AS NATIONAL JAZZ MONTH." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> CONGRATULATIONS-- CONGRATULATIONS ON NATIONAL JAZZ MONTH. THEY GOT SOMETHING DONE. THEY GOT SOMETHING DONE. DESPITE THE SETBACK, DEMOCRATIC SENATOR AMY KLOBUCHAR VOWED TO FIGHT ON. >> SO, MY REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES, THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE LINE FOR THIS BILL. THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE LINE. >> Stephen: AND THANKS TO REPUBLICANS, THAT'S SOMETHING A LOT OF VOTERS WILL BE HEARING. "THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE LINE. THIS IS THE BEGINNING. THE LINE STRETCHES AROUND THE NEXT THREE BLOCKS. ALSO, NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO GIVE YOU WATER. IF YOU BROUGHT YOUR OWN WATER, YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE IS NO PLACE TO PEE, UNTIL YOU FINISH YOUR BOTTLE OF WATER. OVER-- THAT SUNK IN. OVER IN THE JUDICIAL BRANCH, THE SUPREME COURT IS ISSUING A FLURRY OF DECISIONS BEFORE THEIR SUMMER BREAK-- THEY'VE BEEN WORKING HARD TO FIT INTO THEIR BEACH ROBES. TODAY, THE COURT RULED IN FAVOR OF A PENNSYLVANIA HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADER, WHOSE SCHOOL KICKED HER OFF THE J.V. CHEER SQUAD AFTER SHE FAILED TO MAKE THE VARSITY TEAM AND THEN POSTED A SNAPCHAT RANT SHOWING HER AND HER FRIEND HOLDING UP THEIR MIDDLE FINGERS WITH THE CAPTION "(BLEEP) SCHOOL, (BLEEP) SOFTBALL, (BLEEP), CHEER, (BLEEP) EVERYTHING." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> I CAN-- <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> I STRUCK A CHORD. THAT STRUCK A CHORD. I CAN SEE WHY THEY MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT THE GIRLS DIDN'T HAVE THE MOST POSITIVE ATTITUDE FOR THE CHEER SQUAD. "THIS TEAM SUCKS, YOU DUMB CUCKS, BIIIITE MY ASS!"<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IT. SQUATS. THE COURT RULED THAT SHE COULDN'T BE PUNISHED BECAUSE HER SNAPCHAT WASN'T ON SCHOOL GROUNDS. THE RULING WAS 8-1, WITH THE LONE HOLDOUT, CLARENCE THOMAS, WHO LATER ISSUED A SCATHING DISSENT ON SNAPCHAT. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> YEAH. THAT WAS-- THAT'S TRUE. THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. HOLD ON! I'M BEING TOLD WE'RE GETTING BREAKING NEWS ON THE NEW YORK CITY MAYORAL ELECTION. IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY, WITH 84% OF PRECINCTS REPORTING, "THE LATE SHOW" IS READY TO PROJECT THAT NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> ZILCH. SO FAR, BROOKLYN BOROUGH PRESIDENT ERIC ADAMS IS IN THE LEAD. BUT HE DID NOT GET 50% OF THE VOTE, SO IT'S ANYONE'S GUESS WHO'S GOING TO WIN IN THE END. ONE PERSON HAS ALREADY VOTED HIMSELF OFF THE ISLAND OF MANHATTAN: FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE AND MAN WHO IS GOING TO GIVE YOU A GREAT DEAL ON THIS AMERICAN FLAG, ANDREW YANG. LAST NIGHT, YANG CONCEDED THE RACE. THIS HAS GOT TO BE A DISAPPOINTMENT, BECAUSE YANG STARTED STRONG, BUT IN THE END, HE WAS BETRAYED BY HIS LONGTIME FRIEND: MATH. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> GOTTA STING. THAT'S GOTTA STING. >> Jon: YEAH! GOT HIM GOOD! >> Stephen: AS NEW YORK GETS BACK TO NORMAL, MORE NEW YORKERS ARE LOOKING TO GET STRANGE, WHICH IS WHY THIS WEEK, THE NEW YORK CITY DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH UPDATED THEIR GUIDELINES FOR SAFER SEX AND COVID, INCLUDING ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE IT KINKY-- <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> OOOOH, YEAH! BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "KINKY" LIKE "CITY GUIDELINES." "OOH, BABY, I'M GONNA BACK MY CAR RIGHT UP TO YOUR LOADING ZONE, (WHISPERS) EXCEPT TUESDAYS FROM 11:00 TO 4:00. HEY, BABY, HEY, BABY YOU WANNA BRING SOMEBODY ELSE IN HERE AND PARK THIS THING ON ALTERNATE SIDES?" <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> ONE OF THEIR SUGGESTIONS IS TO MAINTAIN SOME SOCIAL DISTANCE BY "BEING CREATIVE WITH SEXUAL POSITIONS AND PHYSICAL BARRIERS, LIKE WALLS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU'RE ABLE TO HAVE SEX AROUND A WALL, CONGRATULATIONS. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> <i> ( CHEERING )</i> A DOG LEG THERE. AND IF YOU ARE USING A SEX WALL, MAKE SURE THERE IS A STUD EVERY 18 INCHES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> THE CITY ALSO EMPHASIZE THAT YOU GET VACCINATED IF YOU ATTEND SEX PARTIES, HAVE GROUP SEX, OR SEX WITH PEOPLE YOU DO NOT KNOW-- ALSO, IF YOU WANT TO DO NON-SEX STUFF, LIKE GO TO THE MOVIES. SOME OF US WOULD RATHER "SEE" F9 WITH PEOPLE, THAN GO TO A PARTY AND "EFF" NINE PEOPLE. THAT'S GOOD. I WANT TO SEE THAT. I WANT TO SEE THAT. BUT IF YOU ARE GOING TO A SEX PARTY-- AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU ARE-- THEY MAKE IT CLEAR: PICK LARGER, MORE OPEN AND WELL-VENTILATED SPACES. WAIT A SECOND, DOES THAT MEAN THAT THERE USED TO BE SEX PARTIES THAT WERE POORLY VENTILATED? "ALL RIGHT, WE GOT 40 PEOPLE COMING OVER FOR THE FLESH PIT. THEY ARE ALL GOING TO BE HOT, OILED, AND SECRETING, SO SEAL THE WINDOWS AND JAM A TOWEL UNDER THE DOOR, BECAUSE I WANNA LOCK IN THE AROMA LIKE WE'RE IN A CROCK POT FULL OF BALLS." <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> THAT'S-- ♪ ♪ ♪ I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE-- HERE'S THE THING, JON-- AND HEAR ME OUT ON THIS ONE. EVERYONE HEAR ME OUT ON THIS ONE. I WAS A YOUNG MAN, A YOUNG TEENAGER. I HEARD STORIES AND RUMORS IN THE ADULT SEX WORLD THAT THERE WERE SEX PARTIES AND ORGIES AND FLESH PITSZ. THEN I GREW UP AND FOUND OUT THERE'S NONE OF THAT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> AT LEAST FOR ME. AND I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS. BUT THIS-- THESE GUIDELINES... <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> HINT TO A WORLD OF WANTON... ( BLEEP ) THAT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE ).</i> <i> ( CHEERING )</i> AND I WANT-- I'M SORRY, I DON'T-- I DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE-- I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THESE ARE NECESSARY. I ACTUALLY DON'T THINK THAT THERE ARE SEX PARTIES GOING ON AROUND THE CITY. I THINK THERE'S ONE GUY-- >> I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD! >> Stephen: WHAT? >> I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD. >> Stephen: STAND UP. NO, THANK YOU. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> I LIKE THE HAT, THOUGH. I LIKE THE HAT. I THINK THERE'S ONE GUY AT THE CITY HEALTH DEPARTMENT WHO WANTS TO HAVE AN ORGY, AND HE GOES, "WHAT IF I PUT UP THE GUIDE. MAYBE IT WILL JUST START HAPPENING NOW." THAT'S MY THEORY. THAT'S MY THEORY. SPEAKING OF THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO SMELL, WE HAVE AN UPDATE ON FORMER PRESIDENT SCOOBY COUP. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> YESTERDAY, "THE DAILY BEAST" REPORTED THE FORMER PRESIDENT WANTED HIS JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO STOP "S.N.L." FROM TEASING HIM. COME ON! COME ON! ( BOOING ) NO MATTER HOW MAD HE GOT, WHO IN THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WOULD FOLLOW THAT ORDER? >> COULD IT BE...SATAN? <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: NO, BILL BARR REFUSED. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> YESTERDAY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT DENIED THE CHARGE, BUT ADDED, "I DID SAY, HOWEVER, THAT ALEC BALDWIN HAS NO TALENT, CERTAINLY WHEN IT COMES TO IMITATING ME. THE ONE WHO HAD WHAT IT TOOK WAS DARRELL HAMMOND." WELL, GUESS WHAT, BULDY? <i> ( AS TRUMP )</i> "YOU DON'T NEED A GOOD IMPRESSION FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE IT. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> THIS ONE I'M DOING RIGHT NOW, THIS ONE... I AM-- THE AM THE FIRST ONE WHO ADMIT MY IMPRESSION SUCKS ASS. AND IT WON ME A PEABODY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). NEVER AGAIN. NEVER AGAIN. >> Jon: NEVER AGAIN. >> Stephen: NEVER AGAIN. >> Jon: LET IT GO. YOU DON'T NEED IT. >> Stephen: IT IS POSSIBLE THE ONLY REASON HE DIDN'T SINGLE OUT MY IMPRESSION IS THAT IT WAS SO BAD, HE DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS DOING HIM. <i> ( AS TRUMP )</i> "WHY IS THAT GUY DOING HARVEY FIERSTEIN?" "I DON'T KNOW EITHER." AT LEAST EVERYONE AGREES HOW AMAZINGLY DEAD-ON MY IMPRESSION OF JOE BIDEN IS. <i> ( AS EDWARD G. ROBINSON)</i> "MEH, SEE, I'M JOE BIDEN, SEE? MEH. I RUN THIS TOWN, BANG, BANG." I'M JOKING. OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S ROBERT DE NIRO PLAYING JOE BIDEN. THE FORMER PRESIDENT THEN COMPLAINED ABOUT THE ELECTION AND OMINOUSLY CLOSED HIS STATEMENT HINTING AT THE QANON CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT HE WILL BE REINSTATED WITH THIS RHYME: "2024 OR BEFORE." NAH ( BOOING ) I THINK YOU'RE 2021 AND DONE. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> SPEAKING-- THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. SPEAKING OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT, HIS DAUGHTER AND SON-IN-LAW DON'T WANT TO, BECAUSE REPORTS SAY THAT IVANKA AND JARED KUSHNER HAVE DISTANCED THEMSELVES FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS CONSTANT COMPLAINTS. THAT COMPLAINT? <i> ( AS TRUMP )</i> "WHY DOES HE GET TO DATE MY DAUGHTER? DOESN'T SEEM FAIR. WE'RE BOTH FAMILY." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> APPARENTLY, THE FEELING IS SOMEWHAT MUTUAL, BECAUSE INSIDERS SAY THERE IS JEALOUSY FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT ABOUT KUSHNER'S "SEVEN-FIGURE BOOK DEAL." EARLY REPORTS ARE THAT JARED'S BOOK IS GOING TO BE A LOT LIKE JARED: GLOSSY AND NO SPINE. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> OUT WEST, CALIFORNIA IS IN THE GRIP OF A DROUGHT AND THAT'S CAUSING SACRAMENTO DRINKING WATER TO TASTE LIKE DIRT. BUT ONE CITY OFFICIALS WARNED RESIDENTS, IT MIGHT NOT TASTE GREAT BUT IT'S STILL SAFE TO DRINK. AND WAS IMMEDIATELY SUED FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT BY MICHELOB ULTRA. BRACE YOURSELF. THERE'S SOME EARTH-SHATTERING NEWS FROM THE SANDWICH WORLD. A RECENT LAB ANALYSIS OF SUBWAY TUNA SANDWICHES FAILED TO IDENTIFY ANY TUNA D.N.A. YES, RESEARCHERS ARE NOW SAMPLING TUNA SALAD'S GENETIC FINGERPRINTS. YOU CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT THE HUNT FOR AQUATIC D.N.A. ON "SEA-S-I MIAMI"! AS SURPRISING AGZ THE NEWS WAS, MORE SHOCKING IS HOW THEY REVEALED WANT RESULTS OF THE D.N.A. TEST. >> YOU ARE NOT-- >> TUNA! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS CHRISTINE BARANSKI. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SPACE NEWS! STICK AROUND!
Info
Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
Views: 2,308,582
Rating: undefined out of 5
Keywords: The Late Show, Late Show, Stephen Colbert, Steven Colbert, Colbert, celebrity, celeb, celebrities, late night, talk show, comedian, comedy, CBS, joke, jokes, funny, funny video, funny videos, humor, hollywood, famous
Id: rDERwjHcNGs
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 13min 11sec (791 seconds)
Published: Wed Jun 23 2021
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