LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME,
ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW. I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. HOW'S EVERYBODY FEELING TONIGHT? (AUDIENCE WOOS)
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE VACCINATED. AMONG THE UNVACCINATED, COVID
CASES ARE ONCE AGAIN ON THE RISE, DUE TO THE HIGHLY
INFECTIOUS DELTA VARIANT. INOCULATIONS HAVE SLOWED
DRAMATICALLY, AND LESS THAN HALF OF THE TOTAL U.S. POPULATION IS
FULLY VACCINATED. SO IF YOU THINK OF IT LIKE A
PIE, ABOUT HALF OF THE PIE WOULD MAF WOULD BE VACCINATEED WHILE
THE OTHER HALF WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TASTE
THE PIE BECAUSE THEY HAVE COVID! THE RISING CASES ARE BEING
FUELED BY VACCINE HESITANCY-- WHICH ITSELF IS BEING FUELED
BY A DANGEROUS PATHOGEN SCIENTISTS ARE CALLING THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY. AN IF THERE ARE ANY HIGH SCHOOL
ENGLISH TEACHERS WATCHING, PLEASE-- TRY TO STAY NEUTRAL. TRY TO STAY NEUTRAL. LAUGH LAUGH
BUT NOW, THE FORECAST IS SO DIRE, SOME PROMINENT REPUBLICANS
ARE SPEAKING UP, LIKE SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND CONDOM
STUFFED WITH BABY FOOD, MITCH McCONNELL. YESTERDAY, McCONNELL URGED
EVERYONE TO GET THE SHOT: >> IT IS NOT AT ALL UNCLEAR
THAT THE WAY TO AVOID GETTING BACK IN THE HOSPITAL IS TO GET
VACCINATED. I WANT TO ENCOURAGE EVERYBODY TO
DO THAT, AND TO IGNORE ALL OF THESE OTHER VOICES THAT ARE
GIVING DEMONSTRABLY BAD ADVICE. >> Stephen: WOW. I GOT TO SAY, AND I HOPE NO ONE
EVER TAKES THIS OUT OF CONTEXT: I AGREE WITH MITCH McCONNELL. (LAUGHTER)
S THAT, IT SEEMS LIKE A BAD IDEA. IT SEEMS LIKE A REALLY-- ALL
RIGHT. WE'VE ALSO SEEN A VACCINE
CHANGE-OF-HEART FROM LOUISIANA REPRESENTATIVE AND FROG WHO GOT
KISSED AND TURNED INTO AN INJURY ATTORNEY, STEVE SCALISE. SCALISE FINALLY GOT HIS FIRST
DOSE OF VACCINE LAST WEEK, AND YESTERDAY, ENCOURAGED OTHERS TO
DO THE SAME: >> I'VE BEEN VACCINATED, MANY OF
MY COLLEAGUES HAVE BEEN VACCINATED, AND THE VACCINE IS
SAFE, EFFECTIVE, AND IT'S WIDELY AVAILABLE. >> Stephen: YEAH, STEVE. WE KNOW. WE ALL GOT IT MONTHS AGO. STEVE SCALISE IS LIKE THE GUY
WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT "BRIDGERTON." "IT'S LIKE JANE AUSTEN, BUT WITH
HIGH, TIGHT MAN BUTT! THAT SHONDA RIMES HAS GOT A REAL
FUTURE." BUT SCALISE SEEMS TO WANT IT
BOTH WAYS, BECAUSE HE THEN CRITICIZED PUBLIC HEALTH
OUTREACH, SAYING "YOU'RE SEEING SOME PEOPLE TRY TO BULLY PEOPLE
INTO DOING THINGS INSTEAD OF JUST ENCOURAGING THEM." OKAY. GOOD POINT. INVITE PEOPLE IN, DON'T CALL
THEM OUT. SO TONIGHT, WE AT "THE LATE
SHOW" HAVE UPDATED OUR PRIZE FOR ANY UNVACCINATED AMERICANS WHO
GET THE SHOT. YOU WILL NOW WIN A LIFETIME
SUPPLY OF LIFE, AND TIME, AND A YOU WILL NOW WIN A LIFETIME
SUPPLY OF LIFE, AND TIME, AND A DREAM DATE WITH HARRISON FORD... FAN... MY STAGE MANAGER, MARK McKENNA! MY STAGE MANAGER, MARK McKENNA! BUT UNTIL WE GET MORE PEOPLE
THEIR SHOTS, COVID WILL KEEP STEAMING ALONG, WHICH IS WHY
SOME PLACES ARE REINSTATING MASK MANDATES. LIKE CLARK COUNTY, NEVADA,
HOME OF LAS VEGAS, WHICH PASSED A RESOLUTION TO REQUIRE
EMPLOYEES OF INDOOR PUBLIC SPACES TO WEAR MASKS WHILE AT
WORK. TOUGH NEWS FOR MANY VEGAS
EMPLOYEES, UNLESS YOU'RE A VENTRILOQUIST, BECAUSE YOUR JOB
JUST GOT A LOT EASIER. BUT BEFORE CLARK COUNTY VOTED ON
THE MASK RULE, THEY HELD A MEETING FOR RESIDENTS TO VOICE
THEIR CONCERNS, AND I'M CONCERNED ABOUT THEIR RESIDENTS. HERE'S ONE:
>> ACTUALLY, MASKS PROBABLY WORK AS GOOD AS A WHIFFLE BALL
AS A CONDOM. >> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, MASKS
WORK. SECOND OF ALL, A WHIFFLE BALL IS
ACTUALLY A GREAT WAY OF PREVENTING PREGNANCY. BECAUSE NO ONE WILL HAVE SEX
WITH YOU IF YOU'VE GOT A WIFFLE BALL ON YOUR PENIS. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT
WORKS BUT, NOT EVERYONE SAID DUMB
THINGS. SOME PEOPLE SAID FAST DUMB
THINGS: >> (SPEED TALKING)
MY NAME IS JENNIFER BAILEY. J-E-N-N-I-F-E-R B-A-I-L-E-Y. THERE HAS BEEN ZERO SCIENTIFIC
EVIDENCE PROVIDED TO THE PUBLIC TO SHOW JUST CAUSE FOR THESE
TYRANNICAL MANDATES. WHERE IS THEIR DATA? NOTHING? THE SCAM-DEMIC IS NOTHING BUT A
B.S. SMOKESCREEN. HOW IN GOOD CONSCIENCE CAN YOU
BLATANTLY LIE AND STATE YOU ARE "FOR THE PEOPLE" WHEN YOUR
ACTIONS SHOW YOU ARE ONLY SELF-SERVING FOR YOUR OWN GAIN? OH, RIGHT, YOU COWARDLY HIDE
BEHIND THOSE MASKS. ALSO CURIOUS WHO BENEFITED FROM
THE COVID RELIEF FUND. IT WASN'T THE PUBLIC. (STILL SPEED READING)
I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF ANY OF YOU HAVE A PAIR, BECAUSE THE ONE
PERSON I CONSTANTLY SEE FIGHTING FOR THE PEOPLE IS JOEY GILBERT
WITHOUT FEAR. WHERE ARE YOUR CAJONES? (LAUGHTER)
DID YOU SEE THE COP TRYING TO SLOW HER DOWN? >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT PUBLIC
COMMENT-- THAT'S A GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED CONSPIRACY
AUCTIONEER! (FAST LIKE AUCTIONEER)
"HOOOWWWW CAN YOU IN GOOD CONSCIENCE LIE TO THE PUBLIC
WHEN YOU KNOW THAT THE VACCINE CONTAINS A MICROCHIP--
ONE CHIP, TWO CHIP, THREE CHIP, LADY IN THE FRONT ROW BEING
CHIPPED-- SO THEY CAN EXTRACT D.N.A. FROM OUR TOILET SEATS
WHILE WE'RE SLEEPING, SO THEY CAN CLONE US AND SELL OUR ORGANS
TO GEORGE SOROS. CAN I GET A BILL GATES? CAN I GET A BILL GATES? PIZZA GATES, PIZZA GATES, SOLD! TO THE CLINTON FAMILY, FOR THE
PRICE OF ONE SPACE LASER!" WE'VE GOT BREAKING NEWS THAT
WASHINGTON IS STILL BROKEN. TODAY, A HUGE DISAGREEMENT
ERUPTED THIS AFTERNOON BETWEEN HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI AND
HOUSE MINORITY LEADER AND JUST A COMPLETE TOOL, KEVIN McCARTHY. NEXT WEEK, THE HOUSE IS
CONVENING THEIR SELECT COMMITTEE INVESTIGATING THE JANUARY 6th
RIOT. SPEAKER PELOSI ANNOUNCED
EIGHT MEMBERS OF THE COMMITTEE-- SEVEN DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICAN
LIZ CHENEY. WELL, MONDAY, McCARTHY PICKED
HIS FIVE REPUBLICANS, AND THERE SEEMED TO BE ONE COMMON
DENOMINATOR IN ALL OF THE MINORITY LEADER'S CHOICES:
NO MINORITY CHOICES. IT'S LIKE AN AD FOR INFERIOR
BLEACH, BECAUSE THOSE ARE A BUNCH OF DULL WHITES. IT RUININGS YOUR COLORS. THROW A SOCK IN THERE. McCARTHY'S MOST CONTROVERSIAL
CHOICE WAS OHIO REPRESENTATIVE JIM JORDAN... >> Stephen: I KNOW. (BOOING)
...STARRING THIS FALL THE NEW CBS SHOW, "SUBURBAN CAVEMAN." "THERE GOES THE CAVE-BORHOOD!"
JORDAN IS AN EXPERT ON THE CAUSES OF JANUARY 6 BECAUSE HE
HELPED CAUSE JANUARY 6. HERE'S WHAT LIZ CHENEY HAS TO
SAY ABOUT HIM IN A NEW BOOK: "THAT (BLEEP) GUY JIM JORDAN. THAT SON OF A (BLEEP). WHILE THESE MANIACS ARE GOING
THROUGH THE PLACE, I'M STANDING IN THE AISLE, AND HE SAID, 'WE
NEED TO GET THE LADIES AWAY FROM THE AISLE. LET ME HELP YOU.'
I SMACKED HIS HAND AWAY AND TOLD HIM, 'GET AWAY FROM ME. YOU (BLEEP) DID THIS.'"
DAMN, DAMN LIZ. YOU (BLEEP) DID THIS.'"
DAMN, DAMN LIZ. YES
YES, HE DID DO THIS! PUTTING HIM ON THE COMMISSION
IS LIKE IF "SILENCE OF THE LAMBS" ENDED WITH DEPUTIZING
BUFFALO BILL! ANOTHER DUBIOUS SELECTION WAS
INDIANA CONGRESSMAN AND VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY WHO WISHED
TO BE A REAL DUMMY, JIM BANKS. WELL, THIS AFTERNOON, PELOSI
REJECTED BANKS AND JORDAN, SAYING THEY MAY JEOPARDIZE THE
INTEGRITY OF THE INVESTIGATION. OF COURSE, THEY'RE TWO POTENTIAL
SUSPECTS. NANCY PELOSI CAN'T JUST LOOK THE
OTHER WAY-- SHE'S NOT JIM JORDAN IN THE SHOWERS AT OHIO STATE. GOOGLE IT, GOOGLE IT. IN RESPONSE, McCARTHY DID THIS:
>> UNLESS SPEAKER PELOSI REVERSES COURSE AND SEATS ALL
THE REPUBLICANS, WE WILL NOT PARTICIPATE. >> Stephen: REALLY. >> Stephen: I DON'T THINK THAT'S
QUITE THE THREAT YOU THINK IT IS, KEVIN. (AS McCARTHY)
"UNLESS YOU PROMISE TO SEAT TWO PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DESTROY
THIS COMMITTEE, YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO
DESTROY THIS COMMITTEE! WE'RE LEAVING-- BUT WE MIGHT
BREAK IN LATER AND STEAL YOUR PODIUM AGAIN." HERE'S THE THING. PELOSI PROPOSED A BIPARTISAN
COMMISSION, WHERE REPUBLICANS GOT TO NAME AS MANY MEMBERS AS
DEMOCRATS, AND YOU REJECTED IT, SO NOW YOU'RE STUCK WITH WHAT
YOU GET. IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY WAS LIKE,
"HEY, WE'RE ORDERING PIZZA, WHAT DO YOU WANT ON YOUR HALF?"
AND YOU SAID, "I DON'T BELIEVE IN PIZZA," AND NOW THAT THE
PIZZA IS HERE, AND YOU STILL GOT OFFERED SOME SLICES, AND YOU'RE
SAYING, "HEY, THIS IS MUSHROOM AND ONIONS! I DEMAND PEPPERONI AND FASCISM!"
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I DEMAND PEPPERONI AND FASCISM!"
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) McCARTHY SAYS HE DIDN'T WANT TO
BE PART OF THE COOL KIDS CLUB, SO HE'S STARTING HIS OWN CLUB. >> WE WILL RUN OUR OWN
INVESTIGATION. WE HAVE LAW ENFORCEMENT, WE
HAVE MILITARY, WE HAVE DOCTORS. WE HAVE PEOPLE FROM ALL WALKS OF
LIFE. YES, KEVIN McCARTHY WILL HAVE
PEOPLE FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE: LAW ENFORCEMENT. MILITARY. CONSTRUCTION WORKERS. COWBOYS. NATIVE AMERICANS. AND OF COURSE, LEATHER DADDIES. AND FINALLY, SOMEBODY WILL GET
TO THE BOTTOM OF WHY IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE Y.M.C.A.! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE EMILY BLUNT AND
BOB COSTAS. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK--
YES, THE CLIMATE IS DOOMED, BUT IT'S A DRY DOOM. STICK AROUND.
I don't understand the high school teacher reference.