WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. THIS EVENING--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).</i> THIS HAS HAPPENED AT THIS POINT. THIS EVENING, THE DEMOCRATS
ATTEMPT TO PASS THE "FOR THE PEOPLE" VOTING RIGHTS BILL BUT
IT WAS DEFEATED BY MITCH McCONNELL AND HIS REPUBLICAN
COLLEAGUES. YES, YES, AT LONG LAST, THAT
MOMENT THAT WE KNEW WOULD NEVER HAPPEN, FINALLY DIDN'T,
1KWRU6789 THE WAY WE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT NEVER WOULD. BUT FOR THOSE OF US WHO CAN
STILL HOPE, TODAY IS THE NEW YORK DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY
OR, AS IT'S CALLED IN NEW YORK: "THE ELECTION." ALL SORTS-- ALL SORTS--
ALL SORTS OF MUNICIPAL OFFICES ARE UP FOR GRABS LIKE CITY
COMPTROLLER, MANHATTAN DISTRICT ATTORNEY, AND PUBLIC URINATION
CZAR. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
QUICK REMINDER: YESTERDAY, WE WON A PEABODY. FOR JOKES LIKE THAT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). I WOULD SAY THAT JOKE CHANGES
THE SPELLING OF "PEABODY." BUT THE BIG OFFICE UP FOR GRABS
IS WHO WILL REPLACE MAYOR BILL de BLASIO AS THE PERSON GETTING
BOOED AT METS GAMES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE WINNER IS EXPECTED TO BE... I DUNNO. IN THE LATEST POLL, BROOKLYN
BOROUGH PRESIDENT ERIC ADAMS HAS A SLIGHT LEAD OVER CIVIL RIGHTS
LAWYER MAYA WILEY AND SIX OTHER CANDIDATES. BUT THE POLLS DON'T MEAN MUCH,
BECAUSE TODAY IS THE CITY'S FIRST MAYORAL ELECTION USING
RANKED-CHOICE VOTING-- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> BIG FANS. BIG FANS OF SOMETHING THAT'S
NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH "RANK"
CHOICE, THE DOLLAR STORE'S WORST IS
SODA. >> Jon: BURN A HOLE THROUGH
YOUR T-SHIRT. >> Stephen: HERE'S HOW
RANKED-CHOICE VOTING WORKS: IF A SINGLE CANDIDATE RECEIVES MORE
THAN 50% OF FIRST-CHOICE VOTES IN THE FIRST ROUND, THEN HE OR
SHE WINS. BUT IF NO ONE EXCEEDS 50% OF
VOTES IN THE FIRST ROUND, THE CANDIDATE IN LAST PLACE IS
ELIMINATED, AND ALL THE VOTES FOR THE ELIMINATED CANDIDATE
WILL BE REALLOCATED TO WHICHEVER CANDIDATE THOSE VOTERS RANKED
SECOND. AND THIS REPEATS UNTIL THERE ARE
TWO CANDIDATES LEFT. WITH RULES THAT COMPLICATED,
THIS YEAR, THEY'RE HANDING OUT STICKERS THAT SAY "I VOTED?"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
CURRENT MAYOR-- CURRENT MAYOR-- SURE. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
♪ ♪ ♪ CURRENT MAYOR BILL de BLASIO
TRIED TO EXPLAIN THE SYSTEM USING THIS PIZZA-TOPPING
ANALOGY. >> GREEN PEPPERS, LADIES AND
GENTLEMAN, RIGHT HERE, MY NUMBER-ONE CHOICE. NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T
APPRECIATE GREEN PEPPERS ENOUGH. NOW, GETS A LITTLE MORE
INTERESTING HERE. WHERE DO YOU GO FROM HERE? AGAIN, I'M GOING TO LEAN INTO MY
HERITAGE. NUMBER TWO, OLIVES. THIS ONE'S A LITTLE BIT
CONTROVERSIAL. USUALLY ITS BLACK OLIVES, COULD
BE GREEN OLIVES. SOME PEOPLE THINK OLIVES BELONG
ON A PIZZA. SOME PEOPLE ARE REALLY AGAINST
IT, BUT I HAVE HAD VERY GOOD EXPERIENCES WITH OLIVES. >> Stephen: TO RECAP: DON'T
ORDER PIZZA WITH BILL de BLASIO. NOW--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> >> Jon: YOU LIKE OLIVES? >> Stephen: I MEAN, I DON'T
KNOW. NOW, BECAUSE THE VOTES HAVE TO
BE RETABULATED EVERY TIME A CANDIDATE GETS ELIMINATED,
ELECTION OFFICIALS ARE WARNING THEY MAY NOT DECLARE A WINNER
UNTIL MID-JULY. KEEP IN MIND, WE ONLY WAITED
FOUR DAYS TO FIND OUT WHO WON THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. SO SOMEBODY AT CITY HALL BETTER
MAKE SURE THOSE WALLS ARE POOP-PROOF. IT'S JOKES LIKE THAT THAT WIN
YOU A POOBODY. AS I SAID--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> AS I SAID, ADAMS IS THE
FRONTRUNNER, BUT HE'S BEEN PRETTY GAFFE-PRONE DURING THE
RACE, AND THE LATEST GAFFE IS A WEIRD ONE. ERIC ADAMS SAID HIS FAVORITE
CONCERT WAS THE ONE IN 1990 WHEN CURTIS MAYFIELD GOT
PARALYZED ON STAGE. ADAMS EXPLAINED, "AT THAT
CONCERT, THERE WAS A RAINSTORM, AND THE LIGHTS FELL ON CURTIS
MAYFIELD, AND THEY ACTUALLY PARALYZED HIM AT THAT CONCERT. BUT IT WAS AN AMAZING CONCERT
BEFORE THAT HAPPENED." REALLY? THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "THE BIRDS
WERE CHIRPING, THE SUN WAS GLISTENING OFF THE PACIFIC,
WHICH IS WHY MY FAVORITE DAY IN HAWAII WAS DECEMBER 7, 1941, A
DAY THAT-- EXCEPT FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS IN THE MIDDLE-- WILL
LIVE IN AWESOME." IN NATIONAL POLITICS, THERE'S
MORE DISTURBING NEWS ABOUT FORMER PRESIDENT OLD WACK
DONALD. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> TODAY-- TODAY
TODAY WE LEARNED HE WANTED HIS JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO STOP
"S.N.L." FROM TEASING HIM. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> STRANGE. IT'S STRANGE. THERE HAS NOT BEEN A
PRESIDENTIALOVERREACTION LIKE THIS SINCE NIXON SENT NAVY SEALS
TO ASSASSINATE THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS. WE KNEW THE EX-PREZ WAS MAD
ABOUT "S.N.L." HE TWEETED ABOUT THEM A FEW
TIMES, IN BETWEEN HIS MORE IMPORTANT WORK OF CALLING PORN
STARS "HORSE-FACED." BUT BEHIND THE SCENES, HE "ASKED
ADVISERS AND LAWYERS WHAT THE FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS
COMMISSION, THE COURT SYSTEM, AND THE D.O.J. COULD DO TO PROBE
JIMMY KIMMEL AND OTHER LATE-NIGHT COMEDY
MISCHIEF-MAKERS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> REALLY? REALLY? FOLKS, THIS IS DANGEROUS,
DISTURBING, UN-AMERICAN-- AND WHY DO I GET LUMPED IN WITH
"OTHER COMEDY MISCHIEF-MAKERS." I DON'T GET IT. WHAT'S A GUY GOTTA DO. ALL DUE RESPECT TO MY DEAR
FRIEND JAMES TIBERIUS KIMMEL, BUT IF THE D.O.J. THUGS ARE
KICKING DOWN DOORS TO ROUND UP THE LATE-NIGHT CHUCKLEHEADS TO
DRAG US OFF TO MAR A GULAGO, TO BE ASSASSINATED,
I SHOULD GET MORE THAN "AND THE REST." I DON'T APPRECIATE THE
PROFESSOR AND MARY ANN TREATMENT HERE. MY NAME--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> MY NAME-- MY NAME IS STEPHEN
COLBERT. MY NAME SHOULD BE IN LIGHTS ON
THE STADIUM WHERE THEY'RE EXECUTING US FOR OUR TERRIBLE
IMPRESSIONS OF HIM. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
OF COURSE, NOW THAT LEX LOSER IS OIT OF OFFICE, A LOT OF
PROSECUTORS OUT THERE ARE FOCUSED ON PROBING HIM. HERE IN NEW YORK, THE MANHATTAN
D.A.'S OFFICE IS PUTTING PRESSURE ON HIS UNDERLINGS TO
GET THEM TO FLIP ON THE BOSS. NOW THEY'RE TURNING THE
SCREWS ON HIS FORMER BODYGUARD AND GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE HE'D BE
NAMED MATTHEW CALAMARI, MATTHEW CALAMARI,
"MATTHEW CALAMARI" SOUNDS LIKE A NAME A COP MAKES UP WHEN HE'S
UNDERCOVER AT OLIVE GARDEN. "YEAH, I'M, UH, MATTHEW... MATTHEW CALAMARI. AND THIS IS MY BUDDY, LARRY
UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS." <i> ( LAUGHTER ).</i> ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> SPECIFICALLY, PROSECUTORS ARE
INVESTIGATING WHETHER CALAMARI RECEIVED SOMETHING CALLED
"TAX-FREE FRINGE BENEFITS," WHICH IS WHEN AN EMPLOYEE
RECEIVES BENEFITS SUCH AS FREE APARTMENTS, SUBSIDIZED RENT, OR
CAR LEASES FROM AN EMPLOYER AND DOESN'T PAY TAXES ON SUCH
BENEFITS. WAIT, GIVING CALAMARI PERKS IN
EXCHANGE FOR HIS LOYALTY? THAT IS A CLEAR "SQUID PRO QUO." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> KEEP THEM COMING. KEEP THEM COMING. CALAMARI ISN'T THE ONLY MEMBER
OF THIS BREADED CRIME RING IN TROUBLE, BECAUSE PROSECUTORS ARE
ALSO INVESTIGATING CALAMARI'S SON, MATTHEW CALAMARI JR.
LIKE HIS FATHER, CALAMARI JR. HASN'T YET BEEN OFFICIALLY
CHARGED YET, BUT PROSECUTORS RECENTLY ADVISED BOTH MEN TO
HIRE LAWYERS. YOU KNOW THE WORLD IS UPSIDE
DOWN WHEN THE CALAMARI ARE ORDERING LAWYERS FOR THE WHOLE
TABLE. DO YOU GUYS WANT THAT? LET'S GET SOME LAWYERS. HEY, SWEETIE, COULD WE GET A
ROUND? COULD WE GET A ROUND OF CALL
MAURY HERE? OH, THERE'S SOME EXCITING
FOOTBALL NEWS, THANKS TO RAIDERS DEFENSIVE LINEMAN AND
MAN WHO JUST FOUND OUT THERE'S LEFTOVER CAKE IN THE BREAK
ROOM, CARL NASSIB. YESTERDAY, NASSIB MADE HISTORY
WHEN HE BECAME THE FIRST ACTIVE N.F.L. PLAYER TO PUBLICLY
DECLARE THAT HE IS GAY. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
AMAZING! IT'S EXTRAORDINARY! <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
THAT IS SO EXCITING AND SO BRAVE AND IMPORTANT-- OR, AS THEY SAY
IN THE N.F.L.: >> IT'S GOOD! IT'S GOOD! >> Stephen: NASSIB MADE HIS
ANNOUNCEMENT IN A VIDEO HE POSTED TO HIS INSTAGRAM. TAKE A LOOK:
>> WHAT'S UP, PEOPLE. I'M CARL NASSIB. I JUST WANTED TO TAKE A QUICK
MOMENT TO SAY THAT I'M GAY. I'VE BEEN MEANING TO DO THIS FOR
A WHILE NOW, BUT I FINALLY FEEL COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO GET IT OFF
MY CHEST. I JUST THINK THAT REPRESENTATION
AND VISIBILITY ARE SO IMPORTANT. I ACTUALLY HOPE THAT, LIKE, ONE
DAY, VIDEOS LIKE THIS AND THE WHOLE COMING OUT PROCESS ARE
JUST NOT NECESSARY. BUT UNTIL THEN, YOU KNOW, I'M
GONNA DO MY BEST AND DO MY PART TO CULTIVATE A CULTURE THAT'S
ACCEPTING, THAT'S COMPASSIONATE. >> Stephen: BEAUTIFULLY SAID<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> REALLY LOVELY. REALLY LOVELY. IT IS TIME FOR AMERICA TO HAVE
A COMPASSIONATE CULTURE THAT VALUES ALL 300-POUND MEN
PULVERIZING EACH OTHER'S SKULLS. ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD, NOBODY
SHOULD BE JUDGED BY WHO THEY LOVE. THEY SHOULD BE JUDGED BY THE
LITTLE ANIMAL ON THE SIDE OF THEIR HELMET. I HATE THE TEAM WITH THE LITTLE
BIRD, AND I LOVE THE TEAM WITH THE LITTLE PIRATE! GO, LITTLE PIRATES! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
LIKE I SAID, LIKE I SAID, THIS IS HISTORIC BECAUSE NASSIB IS
THE FIRST OPENLY GAY, ACTIVE N.F.L. PLAYER-- OR, AS
"SPORTSCENTER" CALLED HIM, THE FIRST "ACTIVELY GAY" N.F.L. PLAYER. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> AFTER THAT-- A LITTLE DIFFERENT. THAT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT. ♪ ♪ ♪
AFTER THAT, I'M GUESSING ESPN'S GRAPHICS GUY IS "ACTIVELY
LOOKING FOR ANOTHER JOB." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE WANDA SYKES AND
JOURNALIST CRAIG MELVIN. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!" STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
I Loved Stephen's "outrage" at being lumped into the "Professor and Mary Anne" group
Thrumpo is seeming more and more like Richard M'Fking Nixon.