WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE
SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU FOR THE APPLAUSE. IT'S SO NICE TO HEAR THAT AFTER
NOT HAVING AN AUDIENCE FOR SO LONG. 23 HOURS I HAVEN'T HAD AN
AUDIENCE. I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE IT. I DON'T DO THE SHOW FOR THE
APPLAUSE, I DO IT FOR THE TROPHIES, AND THIS MORNING "THE
LATE SHOW" WAS NOMINATED FOR EIGHT EMMY AWARDS! ( PIANO RIFF )
COME ON... CONGRATULATIONS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU. OF COURSE, THIS SHOW WOULDN'T BE
POSSIBLE WITHOUT YOU, THE VIEWERS. SO, I PROMISE, IF WE WIN AN
EMMY, WE WILL LET ALL OF YOU VIEW IT. ( LAUGHTER )
VOTING FOR SHOW BUSINESS AWARDS MAY SOON BE THE LAST BIT OF
DEMOCRACY WE HAVE LEFT BECAUSE SINCE THE NOVEMBER ELECTION,
STATE LAWMAKERS HAVE ENACTED 28 LAWS IN 17 STATES THAT RESTRICT
BALLOT ACCESS. IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD THAT IN
-- ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: YES. IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD THAT IN
GEORGIA, IF YOU WANNA VOTE, YOU HAVE TO GUESS THE NAME OF THE
TROLL UNDER THE BRIDGE. HINT: IT'S MARJORIE TAYLOR
GREENE. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HOLD FOR APPLAUSE. ALL OF THESE RESTRICTIVE VOTING
LAWS ARE BEING JUSTIFIED BY THE FIG LEAF OF THE BIG LIE. AND WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT
THE ORIGINS OF THE BIG LIE. ACCORDING TO ONE NEW BOOK, AT
THE WHITE HOUSE ELECTION NIGHT PARTY, SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT RUDY
GIULIANI MAY HAVE BEEN DRINKING TOO MUCH. ( LAUGHTER )
THE OTHER PEOPLE WERE RUDY GIULIANI. ( LAUGHTER )
REPORTEDLY, DRUNK RUDY ASKED WHAT'S HAPPENING IN MICHIGAN? THEY SAID IT WAS TOO EARLY TO
TELL. JUST SAY WE WON, GIULIANI TOLD
THEM. SAME THING IN PENNSYLVANIA. JUST SAY WE WON PENNSYLVANIA. GOD, RUDY MUST HAVE BEEN AN
ANNOYING KID. YOU'RE PLAYING TAG AND YOU GET
HIM ON THE SHOULDER, BUT INSTEAD OF ADMITTING IT, HE SAYS NUH UH,
AT A PRESS CONFERENCE NEXT TO A DILDO STORE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) NEXT TO. NOT IN FRONT OF NEXT TO. CAMPAIGN OFFICIALS SHOT THE IDEA
DOWN, BUT AFTER FOX NEWS CALLED ARIZONA FOR BIDEN, GIULIANI
ADVISED THE FORMER PRESIDENT JUST GO DECLARE VICTORY RIGHT
NOW. YOU'VE GOT TO GO DECLARE VICTORY
NOW. IT'S AN AGE OLD STRATEGY. AFTER A DEVASTATING LOSS, JUST
SAY YOU WON. REMINDS OF THIS CLIMACTIC SCENE. ♪♪
>> I'M THE WINNER! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SURE. REDEMPTION FOR VADER. OF COURSE, THE BIG ELECTION LIE
LED DIRECTLY TO THE JANUARY 6TH CAPITOL RIOT. THE FBI CONTINUES TO BRING THOSE
FOLKS TO JUSTICE. I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN
TONIGHT'S SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUNDUP. ROUNDUP. >> YOU'RE UDDER ARREST! LAUGH
>> STEPHEN: FIRST UP, PENNSYLVANIA NATIVE AND GUY WHO
CAN'T UNDERSTAND HOW THE RIVAL PAINTBALL TEAM SPOTTED HIS HEAD
IN THE BUSHES, ROBERT MORSS. MORSS IS A FORMER ARMY RANGER
WHO WAS ARRESTED FOR STORMING THE CAPITOL AND FIGHTING WITH
POLICE. HE'S TRYING TO GET OUT ON BAIL
BUT PROSECUTORS ARE RESISTING IN PART BECAUSE, WHEN THEY RAIDED
MORSS' HOME, POLICE SEIZED MILITARY GEAR, FIREARMS AND A
U.S. CAPITOL LEGO SET. THEY ALSO FOUND EVIDENCE THAT HE
PLANNED TO STORM THE MILLENNIUM FALCON, HOGWARTS, AND
WINNIE THE POOH'S TREEHOUSE. ( APPLAUSE )
>> GOING FOR THAT HONEY POT! >> Jon: YEAH, HE WANTS THAT
HONEY. >> Stephen: LAW ENFORCEMENT
ALSO RECOVERED A NOTEBOOK FROM MORSS' CAR WITH A
SECTION TITLED STEP BY STEP TO CREATE A HOMETOWN MILITIA. THE NOTEBOOK INCLUDED REMINDERS
TO BRING KIT/BODY AMOUR, BRING ASSAULT RIFLE AND FOUR
MAGAZINES. THOSE MAGAZINES? ARCHITECTURAL DISTRESS
GOOD HOUSE-TAKING HIGHLIGHTS: ALL GOOFUS EDITION
20 YEARS TO LIFE ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) TICK TOCK. >> Jon: TICK TOCK! >> Stephen: TICK TOCK. NEXT UP ON THE 'S' TO THE
DOUBLE-R, INSURRECTIONIST AND WOMAN DEMANDING, "GIVE MAMA A
KISS ON THE TEETH," PAULINE BAUER. BAUER IS ACCUSED OF VIOLENT
ENTRY AND OBSTRUCTION OF CONGRESS, AND ALLEGEDLY TOLD A
POLICE OFFICER TO, "BRING NANCY PELOSI OUT HERE NOW, WE WANT TO
HANG THAT (BLEEP) BITCH." WATCH YOUR MANNERS, PAULINE. REMEMBER, YOU HANG MORE ELECTED
OFFICIALS WITH HONEY THAN YOU DO WITH VINEGAR. BAUER HAS CHOSEN TO REPRESENT
HERSELF IN COURT, AND SHE'S GOT A UNIQUE DEFENSE: SHE CLAIMS
SHE'S A DIVINELY EMPOWERED ENTITY IMMUNE FROM LAWS. DIVINELY EMPOWERED? SO SHE'S GOING TO GET AWAY
SCOT-FREE, JUST LIKE JESUS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OH MY... >> Stephen: THAT'S A STROKER. ♪♪
VERY NICE. BUT IT DOES RAISE THE QUESTION:
IF YOU'RE CHOSEN BY GOD TO BE ABOVE THE LAWS OF GOVERNMENT,
WHY DO YOU CARE WHO'S IN CHARGE OF IT? SO WHAT DOES THIS EARTH-BOUND
DEITY DO HERE ON THE MORTAL PLANE? SHE'S A PIZZERIA OWNER. AND CONSIDERING HOW HARD SHE
FELL FOR THE BIG LIE, I ASSUME IT'S A DOMINOES. (BAND PLAYS
TARANTELLA NAPOLETANA) ( AUDIENCE CLAPPING IN TIME )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, MAESTRO. STILL, IT'S GOOD NEWS FOR
ANYBODY WHO ALWAYS BELIEVED IN A GOD WHO SELLS PIZZA. IT'S TRUE, IT'S NOT JUST PIE IN
THE SKY. (BAND PLAYS TARANTELLA
NAPOLETANA AGAIN) ( AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME )
ARE >> Stephen: LAST AND POSSIBLY
LAMEST Q-ANON CONSPIRACY PEDDLER
DOUGLAS JENSEN, SEEN HERE CHALLENGING CAPITOL POLICE TO A
DANCE-OFF. BRING IT! (BAND PLAYS TARANTELLA
NAPOLETANA A THIRD TIME) ( AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME )
JENSEN IS FACING CHARGES ( AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME )
JENSEN IS FACING CHARGES INCLUDING ASSAULTING POLICE
OFFICERS, CIVIL DISORDER, AND ENTERING A RESTRICTED BUILDING
WITH A WEAPON. LIKE A LOT OF THESE IDIOTS, HE
POSTED VIDEO OF HIMSELF AT THE INSURRECTION. UNLIKE A LOT OF THEM, HE DIDN'T
KNOW EXACTLY WHERE HE WAS. HERE'S JENSEN FILMING HIMSELF AT
THE CAPITOL BUILDING. >> THIS IS ME, TOUCHING THE
(BLEEP) WHITE HOUSE. THIS IS WHY WE'RE HERE. I AM AT THE WHITE HOUSE, JUST SO
YOU KNOW. ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: JUST SO YOU KNOW -- NO YOU'RE NOT. ( LAUGHTER )
LATER ON IN THE VIDEO, HE GRABBED HIS ASS AND SAID, THIS
IS ME, TOUCHING A HOLE IN THE GROUND JUST SO YOU KNOW. NOW THAT HE'S BEEN ARRESTED, HIS
ATTORNEY SAYS -- SURPRISE! -- HE'S REJECTED Q-ANON
AND HE FEELS DECEIVED, RECOGNIZING THAT HE BOUGHT INTO
A PACK OF LIES. WELL, YEAH. STARTING WITH WHOEVER TOLD HIM,
TO GET TO THE WHITE HOUSE, START AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THEN WALK
AWAY FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, TWO MILES DOWN PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,
'TIL YOU ARRIVE AT THE WHITE HOUSE. ( APPLAUSE )
IS THIS TRUE? IS THIS TRUE? I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE AN UPDATE
TO THIS STORY. THAT'S RIGHT, THERE'S:
BREAKING MOOS. TODAY, JENSEN WAS RELEASED FROM
FEDERAL CUSTODY TO HOUSE ARREST, BECAUSE A JUDGE FOUND THAT HE
COULDN'T HAVE PREPLANNED HIS ACTIONS BECAUSE HE DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW WHERE HE WAS. THAT'S A NEW ONE. ( LAUGHTER )
HE PLEAD NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF STUPIDITY. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A MAN WHO'S
BEEN MAKING HEADLINES EVERYWHERE, MULTI-BILLIONAIRE
AND DEHYDRATED GUY FIERI, RICHARD BRANSON. SIR RICHARD IS HERE TO TELL US
ALL ABOUT HIS RECENT VOYAGE TO THE EDGE OF SPACE, MAKING HIM
THE FIRST BILLIONAIRE TO GO UP IN HIS OWN ROCKET, BEATING JEFF
BEZOS AND ELON MUSK. BUT, TO PROVE IT'S ALL IN GOOD
FUN, ON SUNDAY BEFORE TAKEOFF, BRANSON TWEETED THIS PICTURE OF
HIMSELF AND ELON. IT'S LIKE THEY SAY: MONEY CAN'T
BUY FRIENDSHIP, OR APPARENTLY, SHOES. C'MON, ELON. YOU'RE A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY. WE HAVEN'T SEEN A PLUTOCRAT
DRESS THIS CASUALLY SINCE JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER'S BANANA
HAMMOCK. NOT EVERYONE WAS GROSSED OUT BY
ELON'S TOOTSIES. BECAUSE AFTER BRANSON TWEETED
THAT PICTURE, IT WAS IMMEDIATELY UPLOADED TO WIKIFEET, WHICH, IN
CASE YOU DON'T KNOW, IS LIKE WIKIPEDIA, BUT FOR PEOPLE WITH A
FETISH FOR FEET. CONGRATS, ELON. RICHARD MAY HAVE BEAT YOU TO
SPACE, BUT IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, CREEPS ON THE
INTERNET WANT TO COP A FEEL OF YOUR HEEL. WIKI-FEET HAS A WIDELY-RESPECTED
FOOT RATING SYSTEM, AND -- THAT LINE TOOK ME BY SURPRISE
MUSK'S FEET AREN'T TOO POPULAR, WITH A RATING OF JUST 2.83 OUT
OF 5. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THAT'S JUST FOR THE PICTURE. MIGHT'VE BEEN EVEN LOWER IF THEY
SAW THE WAY HE MOVES THEM. TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY, MUSK'S
FEET ARE APPARENTLY THE WORST OF HIS FELLOW SPACE BILLIONAIRES,
BECAUSE RICHARD BRANSON WIKIFEET PAGE HAS A RATING OF 3.3, AND
JEFF BEZO'S FEET GOT A 3.15. I WOULD'VE THOUGHT HE'D BE
HIGHER, CONSIDERING THAT BEZOS IS JUST ONE GIANT TOE. ( LAUGHTER )
THESE LOW RATINGS ARE A VICTORY FOR ALL OF US WORKIN' STIFFS. THESE GUYS MAY HAVE ALL THE
MONEY IN THE WORLD, BUT THEY DON'T HAVE WHAT REALLY COUNTS:
TOES THAT GIVE STRANGERS A BONER. ( LAUGHTER )
I JUST HOPE ANYONE OUT THERE IS ENJOYING THIS STORY AS MUCH AS I
AM. IT GETS BETTER. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW THEY GET A TASTE OF WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE AVERAGE. TO WALK A MILE IN OUR SHOES, AND
THEN LET A GUY SNIFF 'EM FOR FIFTY BUCKS. AND THE MESSAGE OF HOPE HERE IS
THAT ANYONE'S FEET CAN ROCKET TO THE
TOP OF THE CHARTS. SPECIFICALLY, MINE. BECAUSE I LOOKED IT UP, AND
WIKIFEET RATED THESE PUPPIES 4.93 OUT OF FIVE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COME ON! BOOM! CHECK IT. ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Jon: YEAH! >> Stephen: I BEAT THE
BILLIONAIRES! THESE LITTLE PIGGIES GONNA GO
WEE WEE WEE ALL THE WAY HOME. I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG, BUT I HAVE
A LOT OF PICTURES ON WIKI-FEET. LOOK AT ALL THOSE. OF COURSE, THOSE PICTURES COME
FROM MY ALLFOOT VERSION OF THIS PROGRAM:
"THE LATE TOE WITH STEPHEN SOLEBERT." ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, IF YOU WANT TO GO ON WIKIFEET AND UPVOTE MY DOGS, GO
AHEAD, BUT KEEP IT CLEAN. BECAUSE THE WIKIFEET GUIDELINES
SAY: SEXUALLY EXPLICIT COMMENTS ARE PROHIBITED. DESCRIBING OF FANTASIES IS
PROHIBITED. THE COMMENT SECTION IS INTENDED
FOR INTELLECTUAL DISCUSSIONS OVER SYMMETRY AND AESTHETICS. THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S A SALON OF THE MIND. IF ONLY OTHER WEBSITES WOULD
TAKE NOTE. I AM HERE FOR AN INTELLECTUAL
DISCUSSION OF THE ECONOMIC RAMIFICATIONS OF NOT HAVING
ENOUGH MONEY WHEN THE PIZZA DELIVERY BOY ARRIVES. WITH EXTRA SAUSAGE, SHALL WE
SAY. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE SIR RICHARD BRANSON AND
CONGRESSWOMAN ELEANOR HOLMES NORTON. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
MEANWHILE. ♪♪
♪♪
Time stamp 9:55