WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE
SHOW," I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. I HOPE --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FEELING GOOD? >> Jon: FEELING GREAT. >> Stephen: I HOPE EVERYBODY
HAD A GREAT WEEKEND. YESTERDAY I HAD A LOVELY DAY. EVIE AND I WEREN'T TO A PLACE ON
THE HUDSON RIVER, WHAT'S IT CALLED, LITTLE ISLAND, WHICH IS
A SMALL LITTLE MANMADE ISLAND THEY'VE GOT THERE. IT'S KIND OF BEAUTIFUL JUST TO
SEE HOW IT'S BUILT, YOU KNOW, TOOK IN SOME FRESH AIR. >> Jon: OH, YEAH. >> Stephen: TOOK IN THE
BEAUTIFUL VIEWS. YOU KNOW, TESTED OUT WHAT IT
WOULD BE LIKE TO FLEE FROM HUMANITY OFF THE ISLAND. YOU COULD BLOW THE BRIDGE, CUT
OFF FROM THE LAND. YOU HAVE FIELDS, YOU COULD GROW
CORN. THE HUDSON RIVER IS TECHNICALLY
A WATER SOURCE. ( LAUGHTER )
AD THE REASON I'M THINKING ABOUT ABANDONING HUMANITY IS,
REMEMBER THAT PANDEMIC WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE COMING OUT OF? WELL, DON'T SUPPOSE TOO FAST. BECAUSE COVID CASES ARE RISING
IN ALL 50 U.S. STATES. ( BOOING )
THAT'S WHERE I LIVE! WE COULD SEE A RETURN TO
PANDEMIC LOCKDOWNS, BECAUSE IN JUST ONE WEEK, U.S. COVID
INFECTIONS ROSE NEARLY 70 PERCENT. NO! NO! I WON'T GIVE UP MY AUDIENCE EVEN
-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NEVER! NEVER! >> Jon: WE CAN'T! WE CAN'T GIVE THAT UP! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WHOA! WHOO! WHOO! >> Stephen: I DON'T CARE IF
THEY HAVE TO BE NOTHING BUT A BROOM WITH GOOGLY EYES. THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT. ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S NOT EVEN SWEEPS WEEK. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THAT'S THE SHOW, EVERYBODY. GOOD NIGHT. ( APPLAUSE )
♪♪ IT'S ALL DUE TO THE SPREAD OF
THE DELTA VARIANT. THE DELTA VARIANT SOUNDS LIKE A
FRAT HOUSE THAT'S A DISEASE VECTOR. SO, A FRAT HOUSE. ( LAUGHTER )
THE DELTA STRAIN IS MORE TRANSMISSIBLE THAN ANY OTHER
VARIANT BECAUSE IT HAS MULTIPLE MUTATIONS. AND NOT ONE OF THEM INCLUDES
MUTTON CHOPS AND ADAMANTINIUM CLAWS. THE SURGE OF COVID CASES HAS LED
LOS ANGELES COUNTY TO REINSTATE INDOOR MASK REQUIREMENTS FOR
EVERYONE REGARDLESS OF VACCINATION STATUS. TYPICAL LOS ANGELES, EVEN THE
VIRUS IS PITCHING A SEQUEL. ONE MAJOR FACTOR KEEPING PEOPLE
FROM GETTING VACCINATED IS THE LIES AND MISINFORMATION THEY
READ ON SOCIAL MEDIA, ESPECIALLY FACEBOOK. U.S. SURGEON GENERAL DR VIVAYK
MORTHY WARNED THAT HEALTH MISINFORMATION IS A SERIOUS
THREAT TO PUBLIC HEALTH. MAKES YOU MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS
WHEN FACEBOOK'S PRIMARY FUNCTION WAS HELPING YOU FIND
UNFLATTERING PICTURES OF YOUR EX'S NEW BOYFRIEND. CARGO SHORTS? THERE'S NO WAY DIANE'S HAPPY
WITH HIM. ( LAUGHTER )
THEN WHY IS SHE SMILING? ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO TWINKLE ) COVID IS ALSO CAUSING A LOT OF
TROUBLE FOR THE OLYMPICS, OR AS I'M CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGED TO
CALL THEM: THE PERFECT TWO WEEK PERIOD FOR YOU TO ENJOY CLASSIC
BLUE BLOODS RERUNS. ONLY CBS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE GAMES ARE SET TO BEGIN IN TOKYO ON FRIDAY, BUT AS OF
TODAY, THE NUMBER OF COVID CASES LINKED TO THE OLYMPICS HAS RISEN
TO 61. I SAID IT BEFORE, I'LL SAY IT
AGAIN: IT WAS WRONG TO MAKE TONSIL HOCKEY AN OLYMPIC SPORT. ( LAUGHTER )
AT THIS RATE, THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE ANY HEALTHY HUMANS LEFT TO
COMPETE IN THE GAMES. SO CONGRATULATIONS IN ADVANCE TO
THIS YEAR'S GOLD MEDALIST IN BOXING: THE BLUE ROCK 'EM SOCK
'EM ROBOT. ( LAUGHTER )
OLYMPIC ORGANIZERS ARE DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO PREVENT
THE SPREAD OF COVID. LIKE IN THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE,
WHERE WE LEARNED ATHLETES WILL HAVE TO SLEEP ON BEDS THAT ARE
ALLEGEDLY DESIGNED TO COLLAPSE UNDER THE WEIGHT OF ANY MORE
THAN ONE OCCUPANT IN ORDER TO DISCOURAGE SEX. ( LAUGHTER )
YES. YEAH. BECAUSE WE KNOW IF THERE'S ONE
THING WORLD-CLASS ATHLETES CAN'T DO,
IT'S HAVE SEX IN UNUSUAL POSITIONS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) JUST BE SURE TO STICK THE
LANDING. ( LAUGHTER )
SO LET'S SEE THIS ANTI-SEX BED: WOW! EVERY EXPENSE WAS SPARED. ( LAUGHTER )
IT LOOKS LIKE THEY BUILT AN IKEA WARDROBE, THEN MADE A BED OUT OF
THE BOX IT CAME IN. ( LAUGHTER )
SO FAR, ATHLETES DO NOT SEEM DETERRED FROM GETTIN' IT ON. AS AMERICAN TRACK STAR PAUL
CHELEEMO NOTED, WHILE THE BEDS HAVE A WEIGHT
RESTRICTION OF 440 POUNDS, I SEE NO PROBLEM FOR DISTANCE RUNNERS,
EVEN FOUR OF US CAN DO. FOUR. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOUR. WORD OF WARNING: YOU DON'T WANNA
HAVE SEX WITH DISTANCE RUNNERS. THEY'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO GET
THEIR TIME DOWN, THEIR NIPPLES BLEED, AND YOU HAVE TO GIVE 'EM
A CUP OF WATER IN THE MIDDLE. ( LAUGHTER )
ONE OLYMPIAN, IRISH GYMNAST RHYS MCCLENAGAN, WENT SO FAR AS TO
TEST OUT THE STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY OF THE BED. TAKE A LOOK:
>> THEY'RE MADE OUT OF CARDBOARD, YES, BUT APPARENTLY
THEY'RE MEANT TO BREAK AT ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS. IT'S FAKE. FAKE NEWS. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: FAKE NEWS! GREAT NEWS FOR RANDY OLYMPIANS,
EVEN BETTER NEWS FOR ANYONE WHO HAS SEX WITH THAT GUY. (IRISH ACCENT)
OOOH, YES! YES! YES! SMACK ME WITH THE SHILLELAGH
RIGHT IN THE BLARNEY STONES THAT'S GOOD. THAT WAS A LITTLE SCOOTISH. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THE BUZZKILLS OVER AT FACT-CHECK VILLAGE HAVE SPENT
THE AFTERNOON DEBUNKING THE RUMORS COMING FROM THE ATHLETES
THEMSELVES, AND INSTEAD CLAIM THAT THE BEDS WERE MADE OF
CARDBOARD SO THAT THEY COULD BE RECYCLED INTO PAPER PRODUCTS
AFTER THE OLYMPICS. I CAN'T WAIT FOR SIX MONTHS FROM
NOW TO READ TOILET PAPER LABELS THAT READ MADE FROM 100%
RECYCLED OLYMPIC SEX BED. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I GUESS IT WILL SELL. AND ATHLETES, REMEMBER: IF
YOU'RE RECYCLING, YOU GOTTA BREAK DOWN YOUR OLYMPIC SEX BED. ( LAUGHTER )
AND MAKE SURE TO SEPARATE YOUR SEX BED FROM YOUR SEX BOTTLES
AND YOUR SEX CANS. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF LOSING SLEEP, THE FBI IS STILL TRACKING DOWN
JANUARY 6TH INSURRECTIONISTS. I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST
IN TONIGHT'S: SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUNDUP. ♪♪
>> CUD YOU BEEF IN ANY MORE TROUBLE? >> Stephen: FIRST UP, ARIZONA
RESIDENT AND FRED FLINTSTONE AFTER HIS
YABBA DABBA D.U.I., NATHAN WAYNE ENTREKIN. ENTREKIN IS CHARGED WITH VIOLENT
ENTRY AND DISORDERLY CONDUCT, BUT HE'S MOST NOTABLE BECAUSE ON
JANUARY 6TH, HE WAS WEARING, AS THE F.B.I. AFFIDAVIT ACTUALLY
PUT IT: A PLUS SIZE ROMAN GLADIATOR COSTUME. ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, THE PLUS-SIZE GLADIATOR IS THE ONE THEY SEND
IN ON THE LIONS' CHEAT DAY. ( LAUGHTER )
COSTUME WASN'T EXACTLY AUTHENTIC, CHECK OUT THE
THE JORTS. ( LAUGHTER )
I BELIEVE HE PICKED UP THAT OUTFIT AT A T.J. MAXXIMUS. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) NOT TO CORRECT THE F.B.I., BUT
-- FAR BE IT FROM ME TO CORRECT THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF
INVESTIGATIONS, BUT TECHNICALLY, ENTRIKEN WASN'T
DRESSED AS A ROMAN. HE TOLD AUTHORITIES THAT HE WAS
COSPLAYING AS SOMEONE NAMED CAPTAIN MORONI, WHO WAS A FIGURE
IN THE MORMON FAITH WHO FOUGHT AGAINST AN ATTEMPT TO OVERTHROW
A DEMOCRACY. AND NOT, AS I THOUGHT, THE
PLURAL OF CAPTAIN MORON. ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, COSPLAYING AS AN OBSCURE RELIGIOUS FIGURE SOUNDS PRETTY
NERDY. BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE TIP OF
THE GEEKBERG BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO THE F.B.I., ENTRIKEN
FILMED VIDEOS ON HIS CELLPHONE, NARRATING THE ACTION FOR HIS
MOTHER, WITH WHOM HE LIVES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NATHAN! NATHAN! ( APPLAUSE )
NATHAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN'T FILM YOURSELF AT A
RIOT AND SEND IT TO YOUR MOM. SAVE THOSE STORIES FOR WHEN SHE
TUCKS YOU IN AT NIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
IN THE VIDEOS, ENTRIKEN FILMED THE RIOT AND SAID THINGS LIKE:
>> WOW, MOM. I WISH YOU WERE HERE WITH ME. MOM, LOOK, I MADE IT TO THE TOP. AND HERE COMES THE RIOT POLICE,
MOM. OKAY, THAT'S A MOTHER-SON BOND. I'M SORRY, I MEANT BAIL-BOND. BUT GOOD NEWS NATHAN. IF THEY CONVICT YOU, YOU'RE
GETTING YOUR OWN PLACE. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY ENDING OKAY. THERE YOU GO. NEXT UP ON THE ROUNDUP,
SCHENECTADY MAN AND LIVING EMBODIMENT OF THE TERM BRO,
BRANDON FELLOWS. WE'VE SEEN SOME REAL FASHION
CRIMES BEING COMMITTED IN THE COURSE OF RIOTERS COMMITTING
ACTUAL CRIMES, BUT FELLOWS STANDS OUT AS BEING THE ONLY ONE
WHO WORE A GIANT FAKE BEARD MADE OF YARN. I HOPE THE CARPET DOESN'T MATCH
THE CARDIGAN. FELLOWS WAS OUT ON BAIL AWAITING
TRIAL, UNTIL JUST A FEW DAYS AGO. A JUDGE REVOKED HIS BAIL AFTER
FELLOWS' PROBATION OFFICER TESTIFIED THAT FELLOWS
FREQUENTLY LEFT HER RAMBLING, OVERLY LONG VOICEMAILS,
INCLUDING ONE WHERE HE REFERENCED THE SIZE OF HIS
GENITALIA AND THE PERFORMANCE OF HIS GENITALIA. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE SIZE OF
THIS MAN'S GENITALIA, BUT HE CERTAINLY
SOUNDS LIKE A MASSIVE DICK ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A JOKE. IT'S JUST A JOKE. I'M JUST MAKING JOKES. IN COURT, FELLOWS APOLOGIZED FOR
BEING ANNOYING. ADDING --
I WOULDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ME IF I WERE ON THE OPPOSING SIDE. A TIP FOR THIS GUY IN JAIL: ON
YOUR FIRST DAY, GO OUT IN THE YARD, AND PUNCH THE MOST
ANNOYING PERSON IN THE FACE. IT WILL BE YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF CAPITOL HILL THERE'S NEWS FROM
SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND HOMICIDAL MOTHER GOOSE, CHUCK
SCHUMER. LAST WEEK, SCHUMER UNVEILED
DRAFT LEGISLATION THAT WOULD LEGALIZE MARIJUANA. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I THINK WE'LL ALL REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE HEARD THIS NEWS. OTHER THAN POT SMOKERS BECAUSE
OF THEIR SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS. SOMEBODY WRITE IT DOWN FOR THEM. THEY'LL BE REALLY EXCITED. THE LEGISLATION IS CALLED THE
CANNABIS ADMINISTRATION AND OPPORTUNITY ACT. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE BILL... ...AND SOMEONE'S USED IT TO ROLL
A JOINT. ( LAUGHTER )
AT A PRESS CONFERENCE LAST WEEK, SCHUMER EXPLAINED WHY HE WAS
BACKING THE BILL: >> FOR JUSTICE AND FOR FREEDOM,
IT MAKES EMINENT, EMINENT SENSE TO LEGALIZE MARIJUANA. >> Stephen: (AS CHUCK SCHUMER)
YES WE MUST LEGALIZE IT FOR LIFE, LIBERTY, AND PURSUIT OF
DANKI-NESS. I'M TALKING ABOUT THE STICKY
ICKY, BROSEPH. BONG LOADS FOR DAYS. IN COLLEGE, THEY USED TO CALL ME
CHEEBA CHUCK. WELL, NOW CHEEBA'S IN CHARGE AND
HE WANTS A FAT LEGAL SACK OF SKUNKY NUG. NOW PASS THE DUTCHIE ON THE LEFT
HAND SIDE. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS THE HOST OF "THE REIDOUT" ON MSNBC, JOY
REID. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
MEANWHILE. ♪♪ JOIN US WON'T YOU
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
Whoo-hoo stephen colbert!
He got me and my family through the pandemic lol.
That was a great monologue, solid roast of Moroni lol
So, just to clear things up, in case the title of liberty wasn't enough, Captain Moroni himself wanted to make it clear he wasn't a roman soldier.
He was a fictional ancient American, but dressed identically to a roman soldier because the author of this fictional character couldn't be bothered to give a visual description.
7:25 mark
He said “Captain moron” 😂😂😂