WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE
SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. OH... TONIGHT, WE'VE GOT A HOT CROWD,
JON. >> Jon: OH, YEAH. >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A HOT
CROWD! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YEAH, BABY. >> Stephen: BOTH IN
TEMPERAMENT AND TEMPERATURE BECAUSE WE'VE GOT A HEAT WAVE
HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, AND IT'S GOING TO BE A SCORCHER ALL WEEK
WITH TEMPERATURES IN THE LOW 90s THAT COULD FEEL AS LOT AS
105 BECAUSE OF THE HUMIDITY. WHY IS IN TOWN SQUARE THE WAX
MSEUM IS OPENING THEIR NEW EXHIBITION OF CELEBRITY PUDDLES! ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: SURE, THEY ALL MELTED. >> Stephen: BUT AS HOT AS IT
IS HERE ON THE EAST COAST, NOTHING COMPARED TO THE
RECORD-SETTING HEAT WAVE THAT HAS ENGULFED THE PACIFIC
NORTHWEST. IT'S SO BAD IN SEATTLE,
EVERYBODY SEES DOWN TO THEIR FLANNEL SPEEDOS. ( LAUGHTER )
HOW HOT WAS IT? 110 DEGREES? EUGENE, OREGON, WHERE U.S. OLYMPIC TRACK AND FIELD TRIALS
WERE BEING HELD. WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE. >> HOT, HOT, HOT. , HOT! OH, MY FEET! HOT! ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF HOT AIR, OVER THE WEEKEND, FORMER
PRESIDENT JABBA THE GUT WENT TO WELLINGTON, OHIO --
( CHEERING ) -- TO HOLD HIS FIRST RALLY SINCE
THE JANUARY 6th INSURRECTION P. WHY IS HE ALLOWED TO HAVE
RALLIES AFTER THAT? AFTER THE ASSASSINATION, JOHN
WILKES BOOTH WASN'T WELL TO BROADWAY
PERFORMANCE OF "I SHOT LINCOLN: THE MUSICAL." IT'S SIC SEMPER FANTASTIC! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WITH NEARLY SIX MONTHS TO PREPARE, THE FORMER PRESIDENT
HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO WORK ON FRESH MATERIAL. LET'S GO TO THE NEW CLIPS! >> WHAT HAPPENED IN THE
ELECTION, IT'S A DISGRACE. >> STEPHEN: OKAY, I'VE HEARD
THAT ONE. ANYTHING NEW? MAYBE LOOKING FORWARD TO THE
FUTURE? >> YOU HAVE TO LOOK BACK. WE WON THE ELECTION IN 2020. >> STEPHEN: NO, YOU DIDN'T. THAT'S WHY YOU FLEW TO OHIO
ON AIR FORCE "ONE BAG OF PRETZELS" PER PASSENGER
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SERIOUSLY, MOVE ON. I DON'T KNOW... MAYBE SOMETHING ABOUT OUR
NATION'S RECOVERY FROM THE PANDEMIC? >> THEY USED COVID IN ORDER TO
RIG THE ELECTION AND IN ORDER TO STEAL THE ELECTION. >> STEPHEN: YEAH, YEAH. ( BOOING )
EVERYONE IS SO MEAN TO YOU. AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT TALKING
ABOUT THAT GUY WHO CRIES EVERY TIME HE SEES YOU. >> THERE WERE TEARS IN HIS EYES. THIS GUY HAS NOT CRIED IN A VERY
LONG TIME, JUST IN MEETING ME BECAUSE I REPRESENT WHAT THEY
WANT. >> Stephen: OKAY, I SPOKE TOO
SOON. THIS REALLY SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE
JUST READING A SPEECH FROM LAST SUMMER. >> HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE ACTUALLY
WORKS. >> STEPHEN: NO ONE CARES ABOUT
THAT NOW! WE HAVE A VACCINE! I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYTHING MORE
TIRED THAN THE COVID DRUG FROM 12 MONTHS AGO. >> YOU KNEW DAMN WELL I WAS A
SNAKE BEFORE YOU TOOK ME IN. >> STEPHEN: WOOO! WOOO! WOOO! I DO DECLARE! THIS LIGHTER DOES NOT INDICATE
THAT I'M EXCITED! YOU'RE JUST SO BORING, I'M
CONSIDERING SETTING MYSELF ON FIRE! ( LAUGHTER )
MR. NOT-PRESIDENT, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL, TO
SAY ABOUT THE STATE OF THE COUNTRY RIGHT NOW? >> IT IS WINDY AS HELL UP HERE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: I'M NOT SURPRISED, BECAUSE THIS SPEECH BLOWS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU, CITIZENS. THANK YOU. BUT HE DID DELIGHT THE CROWD
WITH ONE OF HIS PATENTED "I SMELL TOAST" MOMENTS. >> AMERICA IS STILL THE NATION
THAT CONQUERED THE WILD WEST, THAT VANQUISHED THE MURDEROUS
DICTATORS, THAT ENDED THE EVIL EMPIRES, AND THAT SENT A BRAVE
YOUNG MAN FROM OHIO TO A PLANT. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: REALLY? TO A PLANT. YES, HE WAS A BRAVE, YOUNG MAN
FROM OHIO NAMED JACK. AND THE NATION SENT HIM TO CLIMB
THAT BEANSTALK WHERE HE SKYROCKETED TO FEE-FI-FO-FAME! ( LAUGHTER )
HE CONTINUED FUMBLING, FLAILING, AND FAILING TO REMEMBER THE NAME
OF THE FIRST MAN ON THE MOON. >> YOU KNOW WHO THE MAN I AM
TALKING ABOUT IS? WHO AM I TALKING ABOUT? DO YOU KNOW WHO IT IS? THE STARS AND STRIPES ON THE
FACE OF THE MOON? YOU KNOW WHO THE MAN IS, RIGHT? >> STEPHEN: HE'S TRYING TO TALK
ABOUT NEIL ARMSTRONG, BUT HE SAID "PLANT," WHEN HE MEANT
"PLANET," WHICH IS NOT WHERE NEIL ARMSTRONG WENT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S LIKE TRYING TO DESCRIBE
GEORGE WASHINGTON BY SAYING "YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN, THE GUY WITH
THE MONEY AND THE TEETH MADE OUT OF A CHEERY TREE WITH THE
PAINTING OF HIM CROSSING THE DELI MEATS." ( LAUGHTER )
THEN HE HAD MORE TROUBLE WITH THE WORDS. >> IF YOU CARE ABOUT LAW AND
AUTO. >> Stephen: YES. ( LAUGHTER )
WE ALL REMEMBER THE SPIN OFF, "LAW AND
AUTO." >> IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE
SYSTEM, THE PEOPLE ARE REPRESENTED BY TWO SEPARATE YET
EQUALLY IMPORTANT GROUPS: THE POLICE, WHO INVESTIGATE
CRIME, AND-- THE CAR, WHICH DRIVES THEM TO
THE CRIME. ( CAR HORN )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: YOU KNOW THEIR
MOTTO: "PROTECT AND SWERVE." ( LAUGHTER )
THE SAD THING IS, THE PEOPLE AT THAT RALLY BELIEVE THE OLD GUY'S
ELECTION LIES. YOU KNOW WHO DOESN'T? PEOPLE WHO KNOW THINGS. LIKE DISGRACED ATTORNEY GENERAL
AND DINNER GUEST LOOKING FOR A SNEAKY WAY TO SPIT OUT THE TUNA
SURPRISE, BILL BARR. BARR SAT DOWN FOR AN INTERVIEW
WITH JONATHAN KARL AND EXPLAINED THAT, WHEN IT CAME TO ELECTION
FRAUD, BARR ALWAYS THOUGHT "IT WAS ALL (BLEEP)." AND BILL BARR SHOULD KNOW, HE
SPENT THE LAST TWO YEARS WITH HIS LIPS VERY CLOSE TO THAT
BULL'S ASS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BARR SAID THAT HE WAS URGED TO
SPEAK OUT BY SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND LITTLE BOY WHO WILL
NOT OPEN HIS MOUTH FOR THE AIRPLANE, MITCH MCCONNELL. MCCONNELL WOULD HAVE SPOKEN THE
TRUTH HIMSELF LAST DECEMBER, BUT HE NEEDED THE
FORMER PRESIDENT'S HELP TO ENSURE THAT THE G.O.P. WON THE
TWO RUNOFF ELECTIONS IN GEORGIA. WHICH THEY LOST. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IN THE END, MITCH McCONNELL SOLD HIS SOUL FOR NOTHING. SO, A PRETTY FAIR PRICE. ( LAUGHTER )
AMERICA'S MOVED ON. WE'VE GOT A SHINY NEW PRESIDENT,
WHO MIGHT BE BUILDING SOME SHINY, NEW ROADS. BECAUSE LAST WEEK, JOE BIDEN
REACHED A DEAL WITH A BIPARTISAN GROUP OF SENATORS ON A $974
BILLION INFRASTRUCTURE PROPOSAL. THEIR PREVIOUS DISAGREEMENTS ARE
NOW WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE. OR TECHNICALLY OVER THE BRIDGE,
'CAUSE THE BRIDGES ARE FALLING DOWN. NOW THAT THEY'VE REACHED A DEAL,
THOSE BIPARTISAN SENATORS HAVE TO GET THEIR COLLEAGUES TO SIGN
ON, AND ONE REPUBLICAN DOING THE CONVINCING IS LOUISIANA SENATOR
AND MAN SAYING "WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT BOAT SHOES," BILL CASSIDY. ( LAUGHTER )
YESTERDAY, CASSIDY TALKED ABOUT HIS WIFE, AND USED HER TO
EXPLAIN THAT EVERYONE SHOULD BACK THE BILL BECAUSE ROADS AND
BRIDGES ARE A "WOMAN'S PROBLEM." ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
( BOOING ) CASSIDY'S RIGHT. HENCE THE FAMOUS ENDING OF
"THELMA AND LOUISE." >> OH, NO, THEY NEVER FINISHED
THE BRIDGE! ♪♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SO SAD. SO SAD. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN IT TOGETHER. >> Stephen: BILL CASSIDY MADE
THE OBSERVATION THIS SUNDAY ON
THE MEET PRESS: >> OFTENTIMES IT IS THE WOMEN,
ASIDE FROM COMMUTING TO WORK, WHO'S ALSO TAKING CHILDREN TO
SCHOOL OR DOING THE SHOPPING. AND THE MORE TIME SHE SPENDS ON
THAT ROAD, THE LESS TIME SHE SPENDS DOING THINGS OF HIGHER
VALUE. SO, IF YOU SPEAK TO HER, SHE'S
GOING TO SAY THIS IS A GOOD BILL. >> STEPHEN: (AS CASSIDY)
"THEN SHE'LL CLARIFY: I MEAN THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL. NOT MY HUSBAND BILL. HAVE YOU HEARD THE CRAP HE SAYS
ABOUT WOMEN?" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, ACROSS THE POND, THE TOUR
DE FRANCE STARTED ON SATURDAY, AND FOR SOME CYCLISTS, ALSO
ENDED ON SATURDAY. BECAUSE THERE WAS A MASSIVE
CRASH DURING THE FIRST STAGE OF THE RACE. FIRST, LET ME JUST SAY THAT
EVERYONE'S GONNA BE OKAY. SECOND, HOLY CRAP:
OKAY, THERE'S THE PACK, OH, MY GOD, AND DOWN GOES FRENCHY! SEE? THAT'S WHY I DON'T RIDE MY BIKE
ON THE ROAD. I BOUGHT A PELOTON. WHICH I ALSO DON'T RIDE. THE WORST PART IS WHAT CAUSED
THE CRASH: A FAN TRYING TO GET ON CAMERA. TO GET OUT THE VITAL MESSAGE:
"ALLEZ OMI OPI," WHICH IS EUROPEAN FOR "GO GRANDMA AND
GRAMPA!" VERY SIMILAR TO THE TRAGIC
ACCIDENT THAT SANK THE TITANIC. ( LAUGHTER )
AUTHORITIES ARE STILL LOOKING FOR THE SPECTATOR, AND TOUR DE
FRANCE ORGANIZERS SAY-- (FRENCH ACCENT)
"WE ARE SUING THIS WOMAN WHO BEHAVED SO BADLY." "SHE DISGUSTS ME, HER RACE
ETIQUETTE IS DEPLORAB', YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BLOCK THE
CYCLISTS. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAND THEM
REFRESHING CUPS OF BORDEAUX, A LIT CIGARETTE, AND OFFER A
THREE-WAY IN THE BUSHES!" ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS TRANSPORTATION
SECRETARY, MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK
"MEANWHILE!" STICK AROUND. ♪♪
