The Green Room 1.2 - Patrice O'Neal, Bob Saget, Roseanne Barr, Sandra Bernhard

Oh oh hey yeah no it's really just for the comics now so I'm sorry we got okay no you can't we can't come okay there's a bunch of comedians hanging out with some friends you're not supposed to be here but if you call you can come and if you've ever been offended by anything as long as you put too much on the internet and you don't watch the news you usually in total bliss that's why I say the best thing to do is just watch animal porn on the internet were you not hopeful that there would be change with Obama in office my love magic man we don't like talk to reality that's why I never really fell for the whole thing we like man that's why people think ancient dishwashers have predicted the end of the world in 2012 man I don't believe in that instant this washing Apocalypto goofy little short dude I don't I don't believe in it you feel this though you feel this it's just like whoo because I said ancient dishwashers but let's be honest that's some funny [ __ ] but mine predicted the end of the world where Bob you got a [ __ ] joke about love about the end of the world jump in Roseann I hate hope hope is [ __ ] [ __ ] and really I think anything that takes you out of reality or like [ __ ] dealing with reality is just [ __ ] and there's anybody who knows it's you what reality I have my own reality as like stark I don't really search for a lot of meaning or [ __ ] whatever that's a statement at the the loss of hope for people it ain't no loss a hope for society look at the politicians do what they supposed to do but let me tell you when you take a job as a person and you would have to tell me okay it's my job I'm gonna give you a fake parking ticket I'm a bash you in your head cuz I'm told to do that no matter how much it's your job you're part of the reason we I got into a little trouble at the airport because you know I have a whole issue with the TSA and all that [ __ ] security which is a [ __ ] puppet show let's be honest a little time in some small windowless rooms because I don't want to be complacent cuz complacency is the problem you know people just go oh well that's the way it is and well that will be the way it is so but but then you know I gotta make a flight because every year or two I have a gig so I just was hot under the collar one day I was traveling a lot and they you know they started with the [ __ ] and I got a little hissy fit and the guy goes hey I'm just doing my job and I said oh yeah where's last time I heard that oh yes Nuremberg and boom right into the little room like you know where they take me in the room and the guy start putting on rubber gloves I'm like you can't go in my back because who knows are the [ __ ] people are gonna do now here's my problem with that whole thing of fat black [ __ ] that is at the [ __ ] gate right I mean she's named say her name first offense is someone trying to get home at 5 o'clock to see Maury versus somebody who lives breathes and eats killing me and I don't trust them to make my life safe because they're they're reactive they're not thinking of things I think of things all the time on how do I blow up the airport if I'm a Charmin I still don't understand what the problem is with having people looking inside your ass I don't understand what does I mean I put Altoids in there you know I took a treat that way I mean I I just know one thing when I go to the line I picked Tameka because Tameka loves my white ass cuz I was on Roseanne when we were young you know back when we were alive but we would like be gone we would be going into the [ __ ] Airport you see the army guys it was like guns and badges and [ __ ] like this [ __ ] Nazi Germany did you ever think it was gonna be like that of course I didn't are you telling say something attached to what the [ __ ] they just said word right and not cuz I love to say call anybody and I call white women [ __ ] it's just I like that word why do you like that word can I add cause black people ain't getting no money from slave we're not gonna get reparations what we did have is language we got to say anything we want the way we want which is the reparations which is the fact that I can say cracker all day and everybody goes but because that was my payoff as a black man I get to say what the [ __ ] I want to white people any time are we [ __ ] even yet or what I mean I would say I have to say it's still dangerous to have any kind of opinion that isn't a right-wing opinion it's still danger danger absolutely I know one thing for sure when I was you know 16 years old and people talked about abortion and women talked about abortion it was that you know a prideful conversation was a conversation about the survival of what a woman's future was and now I wouldn't [ __ ] start talking about abortion and it you know I may talk about yours I know you'll cut the [ __ ] out oh no way alright this show is all about you talking about as a matter of fact a little later on we're gonna give you one and I enjoyed every minute my boyfriend was Catholic so you put that and your [ __ ] interesting thing about to say I think that maybe it's for women that it's dangerous to have anything but a right-wing opinion I think it goes like this black women can say anything white women can say 95% of things they want black guys can say the next level things at work and straight white dudes can't say nothing I want to ask Rosie about this speaking of women taking risk check out my [ __ ] Hitler [ __ ] that's Hitler these are little gingerbread Jews anything yeah it's like a Jewish woman and she's just like Hitler and you know he's in drag Hitler and he's baking cookies then he's really proud of him but also he's looking off into the horizon because he has a dream it was for heath magazine it was there Germany issue and who who better a symbol of Germany than Hitler and now what did your detractors have to say about oh my god you don't want to piss off Jews even if you're a Jew don't piss off through this nobody pisses off Jews worse than Jews yeah I'll just haters usually crazy over this understandably I don't see you understand what I'm like I'm it really pissed me off too they're like you're making fun of the people in the ovens well I'm not making fun of the people you kind of you made a cookie skinny can I finish this yes please please also there's another deeper layer to it you know just the everyday I mean moving off of this Holocaust there's been about 50 of them since then that's what I'm kind of trying to say is like Jesus Christ it's so [ __ ] every day now Holocaust it's like baking cookies were you not aware when you were doing this that that's not what people would be thinking that this I care what people do I don't care what they think that's why I'm trying to say is let's stop the Holocaust like what when I did sing the star-spangled banner and let's care about freedom instead of symbols of freedom first [ __ ] change no it's particularly tragic is that you can't be nuanced anymore ironic did you have to serve it up absolutely blatant otherwise people won't get it and that's what's most disturbing about our culture that's really true most of that in terms of art and and and comedy actually is coming from the left I agree so I totally [ __ ] agree because the political correctness thing took over right and now the political correctness which is a well intended meaningful effort to include and to and to not just casually accept things that we had casually accepted for generations has been bastardized into some Orwellian sort of it's just to shut people up I mean the left loves to censor people and shut them up the left and the right they're the same [ __ ] thing when I first started performing and all these like lesbian feminists in Seattle like surrounded me like you I thought that they were gonna like scalp me that's how I was [ __ ] skirt and they said you know what you're doing to the feminist movement yeah I said yeah hopefully feminizing it if it's better now to be a woman doing comedy than it was when you started it's easier for me I think I think it's easier for everybody to do comedy now because it's just silly right yeah because once again we're back to just that the common denominator of total stupidity because nobody wants to do the work but you know anybody can just get up now and [ __ ] thank you do the [ __ ] on a reality show they're [ __ ] applauded like they thought they've been out there doing the ship for 30 years anybody sitting here who didn't you know at five years old know that this is what they were gonna do the nice things Richard Pryor has said to me which affected me a lot was how old were you when you knew you were funny and I said I I was four and he said yeah he said it at the same time and I said it he said you know before you're born to do it you don't have any choice I remember seeing Richard Pryor when I was a kid on Ed Sullivan when I saw him is like I just got it I got that he was inside the stereotype I got that he was right inside it and and pushing out people ask me who my favorite comedians Richard Pryor George Carlin and I didn't look at them ago I could do that's what I could do I looked at them and said I want to I'm funny but I can't do that now people watch comedy go I was hilarious start start do economy is it the Commerce that did it to you it's the fact that I had to pay a bill and the fact that when I first started I used to care about whether this guy laughs let's drive this woman but then as I got my first compliment on my first paycheck or whatever it I started to use people in the business and I think somebody is in here that could do something for my career I'm using these people to show you how funny I'm to get what I want as opposed to really loving them but I'm trying to love the people again that's what made me start comedy so at what point did you realize that that had happened to you and you decided suicidal when I was sitting there broke this is back when Burger King first came out with 99-cent sandwiches and I had two of them on my stomach one in my hand if I had a gun because I came from the first time I ever did the Aspen Comedy Festival I killed so hard I was scared I was going to be famous and [ __ ] and then it didn't happen like I wanted it to happen and I got disappointed and I said [ __ ] it let me just I'm gonna just do what I do which is why [ __ ] don't know me from a goddamn oh you've heard the claps Roseanne whoa we should be Wuan yeah I love that I love being able to say anything I want I had to learn to stop caring about people not laughing because I do comedy really is not everybody should be laughing I should be about fifty people laughing and fifty people horrified I suppose we people that get it and people that don't get it for some reason the people who don't get it have a lot more energy to say you suck harder than the people who love you we only hear the one person that looks at us with hatred also get up in the mill your show and say [ __ ] you and walk out I've had that one of my favorite stories is like Sandra I heard in the Catskills that you were on stage and there's all Jewish people well no they had they told me it was the singles weekend at the Concord when I went in later the story they tell everybody because it's so legendary and some old guy he's about 80 he says say something nice Sarah he thought his [ __ ] Sarah Bernhardt and you said eat my [ __ ] Katrice you have to stop worrying about your careers what you because you are stop worrying about it is going mini-me with high blood pressure diabetes I'm finished I'm the oldest dude during this show we're fine burn Troy is gonna do another movie mini-me if he can get shot out of a cannon into a vagina you're going to work the rest of your life tell you something about vagina sir just finger something somebody told me something once that I think about all the time even though I did get filthy rich from the comedy but this person said sometimes you get a choice between being successful and being great yeah I it was all due respect as a friend my suggestion I have three daughters you like to fix them up no I'm suggesting I knew this was gonna go there what I'm telling you is you got to get outside yourself everybody has to get out of the narcissistic and I'm a big narcissist what I'm suggesting to you is have a child first thing it's seven minutes but a child will give you a projection outside of you send Minister material immediately but handle it's what what you need to do though is get outside yourself they do bring gratulations don't take don't take tight about my child but I'm saying if you get out of yourself and not make it about you and having a kid is a thing that does give you hope well ivory no but it also makes you go when they go for trees you want to do Celebrity Fit Club if I have a kid I go yes if I don't have a kid I go nah bye Celebrity Fit Club Patrice means full house okay I did the show hello my name is Bob I did full house hi Bob you have no children do you do full house and do you do America's Funniest Home Videos if you didn't have kids and I'm not do you want the answer yes the first thing I did I took me eight years of hosting at the Comedy Store and The Improv in town and working clubs and trying to get a job and then the first thing I got was a Richard Pryor movie critical condition I went and did that and then never thought I'd work again I did just have a baby and I wanted to be on a sitcom forever and the producers of it saw me in the Richard Pryor movie critical condition and that's why they hired me so I wanted to be on a sitcom so the answer is would I do it over again this is the path you go through the doors that open and if the door doesn't open you can't push on it because you're [ __ ] yeah so you know I would play the gay father of three again two men in San Francisco I was not gay I don't judge people in Hollywood that do anything cuz you just don't know man if Steven Spielberg says hey you don't be a jaws 12 if you get a call from Steven Spielberg and he says you're in Jaws 12 you're going to be Chum Burt when he says he loves that picture of you as the knife oh yeah did you get it yet like professional trouble from that photo oh I always getting professional trouble oh yeah you know what I do what I want to do I'm so lucky I do it when I want to do it and I do it the way I want to do it gonna kiss nobody's ass because I'm a comic I have to spit in their eye so when I get up there I mean they don't never invite me back again but [ __ ] that's how it is when you say that like I got to meet the mayor of Jerusalem and I would start shaking you know I knew I was gonna do it and you know part of me too is like you're gonna get a lot of [ __ ] trouble keep your [ __ ] big mouth shut because I have that we all have that right don't [ __ ] do it you shut your mouth for once in your [ __ ] life just go in there and I know I couldn't I couldn't because I'm a comment but you still pull off I Kondo well I want to say what I said to him cuz I'm so proud of myself he was overlooking that zelma the rock and the mountain the whole thing we're all the whole [ __ ] things about a piece of real estate that big that's why there's a hundreds of wars for millions of years and I said how come we can't share that with Arabs and stuff oh he said he goes well that's what we're supposed to do after the Messiah comes I go he's he's not gonna come till we do do it don't you think think about it my knees shaking my good that's what that's what you're supposed to do I guess you went crazy on Fox News I have a several things on your blood especially your award-winning blog yeah which what was the award at one I can't remember it was the most incoherent blog ever right yeah brilliant or just lost any coherent blog yeah now an honor for me it was also voted best nazi chef on the Food Channel what an interesting little tidbit I was on Fox News promoting something last year and Ann Coulter literally ran into my arms and tell me how much she loved me I was like this oh yeah we made out it was my friend Lee Camp is here say hello Lee Camp Lee Camp is a terrific terrific comedian run this clip you'll appreciate Lee's just set it up before I play it we they invited me on to tell jokes and I did what you did Roseanne I was like [ __ ] telling jokes so you got to see this this is not only watch the clip that Lee is on but then pay attention to what happens after it just to show you the journalism with disgust me I'm sure you guys are gonna have a lot more jokes for the rest of the campaign here just keep questions yeah sure what what is Fox News it's just a parade of propaganda and then it's just add it's just a festival of ignorance come on this is ridiculous what's the point of this all right we're also talking about Captain Kirk this morning almost what happened I'm very good go over some of my hate mail real quick cause it's great these people are geniuses they really are [ __ ] you for what you said you call me you can suck my ball sack and get a haircut you [ __ ] my mother had not been in her right mind I'm accused of being a [ __ ] but he's asked me to suck his ball so this one said at least Hitler didn't sit on his hands he got to killing his enemies as America should starting with traitors like you you coward bastard all you want to do is talk to bull Asterix asterisk asterisk asterisks raising Hitler he's gonna murder me but he's self-censored the word [ __ ] it's also an odd way to compliment Hitler he didn't say it was a good man he just said he didn't sit on his hands so it's it's like you can call him a mass murderer all you want but I will not sit here while you call him lethargic hey guys this has been phenomenal thanks for it thank you this is your show by the way which I think it's exciting wait a second I'm happy about that - because Provenza got [ __ ] look and if we get a show on TV I know I could get one on

Channel: EscherReturns

Views: 1,026,226

Rating: 4.8473282 out of 5

Keywords: The Green Room, S01E02, Paul Provenza, Patrice O'Neal, Bob Saget, Roseanne Barr, Sandra Bernhard

Id: PNHonbqlEOs

Length: 27min 19sec (1639 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 14 2011