Enneagram: The Difference Between 3w2 and 3w4

hey what's up guys thank you for joining me again today this is dr. Liu hue we're doing a study on Enneagram type 3 and we're gonna be looking at the wings today so 3 wing to the charmer and 3 wing for the professional we're gonna try to unpack a little bit more about threes I'm always you know growing in my understanding and you know research and interactions with each type and so we're gonna get to the wings in just a minute and explain you know a little bit better the difference between those two different kinds of threes first just a little bit of summary about the three I was doing a little more study and reading and and and reflecting on threes and you know threes of course are in the same group with twos and fours and essentially I would say that those three types are asking the question you know or dealing with the problems that result from you know the issue or the question of where does my value come from where is my worth come from what makes me a reason for being here we know what what what is my what is my my value and my worth and inherent in that is the belief that you don't have Worth and value is the belief that you're not lovable for who you are for who you genuinely are that you are not lovable and of course you know you have to understand in an objective way that that that's not true you every person has worth in value you can walk into you know any nursery or any preschool or any you know hospital nursery and you can look around at little infants or little toddlers who haven't accomplished anything worthwhile in this world meaning they haven't earned any certificates or earn any education awards or you know they're not working for a living they don't have a company all the things that we tend to associate with success and make a person quote unquote valuable these little babies are these little toddlers have achieved none of it and yet who would deny their Worth and value they have intrinsic worth in you and in that objective boy I think all of us can understand that but twos threes and fours because of their brokenness they lose sight of their Worth and value and so they go on a quest or a bid to try to you know create that sense of Worth and value and so to so you know tend to accomplish that by being very likeable by by winning you over because of their kindness and their their their help and what they offer to you and focusing the attention on you you want to be around them and so they find their sense of value in that there have become valuable to you and force they deal with this by being special and different and unique and standing apart and the idea is kind of like I'm not like the rest so you would miss me if I was gone you could you could you could pull any other cog out of the wheel because that's what people are they're just cogs and wheels because they're also mundane but me I'm different I'm unique I stand out and therefore have value because I'm not like I'm unlike everyone else you could if I wasn't here then you would miss me and the three you know has this sense that they don't have value and worth in themself so they go on the bid or the quest of creating what you might call a persona or a mask a false self a a a more likable more highly achieving more accomplished self and of course their roots in is deceit because over time they start to be unable to differentiate their true self from the persona that they have created in other words they become over focused on goals and achievements and beauty and attractiveness and polishing up the image so that image that false persona that mask that social person becomes how they identify themselves all of us I think understand that you know there's times when you have to sit up and dress right and look proper and be respectful and so you know we show up at the event and we're on our best behavior and then as soon as the event is over we take off the suit and we go back to our you know our regular clothes and we go back to being ourselves the three is kind of always on job interview they're always on that there's kind of like they're always on in a sense of always having to be on to be their best self all the time and over time you know they can kind of lose sight of their true self or their their you know who's the person underneath all of that charm and all of that charisma and all of that accomplishment and they can lose touch with their feelings because feelings and their inner sense of what's going on within them gets in the way of accomplishing all of those goals so it's like they they look in society and they see what people admire their marketer their marketing strategy for life they're using marketing strategies for how they live their life they go out and see what people admire they see what people you know are attracted to they see what the best most admire about qualities are in any given group or situation and then they adapt themselves to emulate those desirable qualities and so they you know can become somewhat shape-shifting in order to be the best or to be the most admirably and then equate that admiration as though it's love and so they're in a sense they're running away from pain the pain of feeling unlovable in yourself or the pain of feeling rejected and they're running away from that pain or running away from that shame that shame is driving them and so all of this you know accomplishments that they are all of the achievements and the awards and the medals and the trophies and the surgeries about that I mean plastic surgeries and the gym memberships and you know the designer labels and all of that that they're chasing and running after and all the accomplishments and all the career changes and all of the advancements and promotions and that important sense of self it's all they're running toward those things but in my opinion it's because they're running away from that shame that sense that I'm not worthy I'm not valuable I'm not lovable in and of myself so I have to attach all of these things onto me so that people will then admire me and be attracted to me and love me and then I will then believe maybe that I'm a person of value and worth so like when I you know it's it's really a sad thing when you think about it I mean it's all of the intagram shows us our brokenness and it and it shows us you know where we are fallen and it can be a very painful thing for a three-to here this for the first time because you know maybe you've never thought about it like this before you've always just known that you were a very determined person who was very goal-oriented who was very focused but you know that's that but try to get beneath the surface on that and let the Enneagram you know shred through those outer layers and why why do you feel like you have to multitask why do you feel like you have to check things off the list and you have to accomplish so many goals what's the motivating force behind that what is it that you are you think will happen if you were to relax if you were to say to work for others promotion and to promote the team or to promote the others or and or to or to relax or just to relax and just to take it easy and just to you know be comfortable and be yourself what would happen if you didn't go on this attack mode of accomplishing the next great goal and sometimes you know those goals you know they can kind of get backed up and lined up in front of you as a way to keep your attention off of other things so what is it that you don't want to give your attention to why don't you want to look internally why don't you want to look inside yourself you know why don't you want to sit for a minute and and just do nothing what would happen to you would you curl up into a ball and die would you disappear and one thing you can say about threes is they don't they're afraid of disappearing they don't want to disappear they want to make a name for themselves they want to make you know their life count they want to make a big splash they want to you know fulfill something great and something important and be seen as something great and something important could you accomplish these goals could you accomplish these these tasks if you didn't get would you let me say it this way would you be as motivated to accomplish these goals and accomplish these tasks if no one knew if no one could know what you were accomplishing if it was just for your own personal benefit would you be as motivated to better yourself if there was no awards or achievements or promotions or financial incentives attached to it are you pursuing these goals because it's a passion that you enjoy that you love is it is do you really enjoy and love and are and have a desire to learn the things you're learning and do the things you're doing or are they simply a means to an end and if they are a means to an end or possibly is a means to an end ask yourself what is that in what is it that you're really trying to accomplish what is it that you're really trying to attain and the Enneagram look you may disagree with a lot of what I just said but the Enneagram if you'll give it some time and threes have a hard time you know with all of this because they have a hard time with reflection they have a hard time with pausing long enough to reflect and to look inward sevens do too okay I know this because because of my own difficulty with the NIA Graham they you know go find sevens that care about the Enneagram it's gonna be hard there's not I know they exist I know they have Facebook groups and all that but I'm just saying that some of the types like fours and nines you know they lean in and they want to know more about themself and why they do what they do but threes you guys have a hard time looking inward you want to keep moving keep attaining keep achieving and in that way threes you know they're going to be special and others will give up and others will quit and others won't stay motivated and others won't work the long hours and others won't come early and stay late and read the books and you know learn the manuals and and I get it I understand your world okay I understand maybe more than you think and in that way threes differentiate themselves from the group from the pack threes differentiate themselves from the herd okay so look it I want you to see the similarity between twos threes and fours you're all doing the same thing in your own way twos you differentiate yourself from everybody else because you care more than other people care twos are more helpful more caring more friendly than everybody else and so look they're different and therefore have Worth and value fours you guys are unique you're the only one that wears your hair the way you wear it you're only one that paints the way you paint you're the only one that designs the way you design you're the only one with that special tattoo you know that represents your grandfather or you're the only one that and so fours differentiate themselves because of their diet because of their dress because of their the their job or their creative talent fours differentiate themselves from all of the heard from the vulgarians out there I mean the 4:3 is called the aristocrat the four or five of the Bohemian so fours differentiate themselves and say everybody else's like this we're like that the twos doing the same thing everybody else is is mean and everybody else is so focused on getting things done that they don't have time to care about people look at us we're different okay and look at you threes three say everybody else wants to go on vacation they want to play all day they want to hope to achieve and accomplish without working hard and being disciplined and setting goals and networking but I'm going to differentiate myself as a leader and that might be the key word as a leader that's different than all of the followers out there all of the people that just want to coast through life I'm motivated and I'm hyper motivated and I will do the hard work and I will discipline myself and I will what are you doing you're saying everybody else and then there's me or then there's us the threes the achievers we're the leaders were the winners we are the ones that stay late work harder and give it more effort you're differentiating yourself from the herd and why what I'm saying is why do twos threes and fours do this because they're struggling with that sense of where does my value and worth come from my worth and value coming from my friendliness and my ability to help you in a crisis my my Worth and value come from my uniqueness and my separateness my different nests and then the three is my value comes from my ability to accomplish achieve and win and win people's admiration and to be the best okay I just want you to see yourself in the mirror for what you are that's the beginning of healing in all of this is to see the wounds to see the brokenness and we're healed by that brokenness we're healed by that wounds by those wounds okay so enough about threes in general let's talk about the wings okay so the three wing two is called the charmer and the three wing four is called the professional and I'm gonna say this through all these wing videos and all the different types so you may just be watching this one because you're a three but if you're watching all of them you'll hear me repeat this over and over and that is whatever wing is your dominant wing and there will be one that's more dominant the others it might be slightly more dominant it could be far more dominant so maybe you're a real three wing two and you have you see no Faunus in yourself at all or you're a three week four you see no tunas and yourself at all whatever your dominant wing is the path to healing and health is often often generated when you learn to exercise and strengthen and depend on your less dominant wing so if you're a three wing two you need to learn everything you can about the four wing you need to learn as much as you can about fours and work toward incorporating more of that into yourself as a three and you will immediately see signs of moving toward health okay so if you're a three week four and you don't have much of a two wing learn as much as you can about twos and you know what's going on and why they do what they do and what the positives of the two is to incorporate that into your three Ness to balance out that other wing so what happens is as we get we get we get tipped one side or the other leaning too far toward the for lean-to for toward the two if you can balance that a little bit and move toward your less dominant wing you will immediately begin to move toward a more healthy three a more healthier three okay so let's talk about the three wing to the three wing to is of course that what I just said the achiever gonna dominate gonna win going to accomplish gonna shape shift to be the best but then blend that with with with those aspects of two that are I care about people I care about being somebody's friend I care about making connections with people I want to help I want my achievements to inspire and motivate others and to help them I want to be the three wing to looks like this I want to be the best I can be at everything I do in order to inspire motivate influence and help others accomplish and change their lives transform their lives so the three wing two is going to move toward caregiving they they're going to be an accomplished er they're gonna be a person of admiration who wins you're after they're gonna be a performer okay they're gonna be that performer but they're going to do it with the sense of inspiring and motivating others as well so think like Tony Robbins okay you know the motive the typical motivational speaker let me tell you what I've accomplished let me tell you what I've come out of let me tell you how I've overcome as a way of inspiring and motivating you so that you can believe in yourself that you can accomplish great things as well so they focus on gaining and winning others admiration because they are being so helpful and being so because of their helpfulness and because of their achievements they then want to turn that in a way to win others admiration and attention so that they can inspire others to motivate them to become more than than maybe they thought they could be so they tend to be more extroverted than the three wing for if you know you're a three and you know you're extroverted there's a good chance you're a three wing - okay you tend to be more extroverted and ten be more comfortable in that role of the superstar the shining star put the spotlights on me get the attention on me I'm comfortable up here on this stage I'm ready to to share with you and challenge you and talk to you and help you believe in you and become a better you and so if you if you know you're a three and you know that you're you you have that potential at least to be comfortable talking and speaking and and being in groups and interacting with people you're probably a three wing to three wing to s often love excitement they're very enthusiastic they can look like sevens at times go sevens you know like think Jim Carrey's and Jimmy Fallon's and they can look like that they could be quite humorous fun-loving easygoing wanting to influence and motivate people and they tend to mask their competitive side more than the three wing for not that they're not competitive they are competitive three wing 2's are competitive but they tend to mask that a little bit more than a three wing four does three and four is a professional except they want you to know they're competitive they want you to know that they're determined they want you to know that they're gonna work hard three week four is more personal probably more relationship oriented and here's a stinging word maybe can be a little artificial when you get to know them you might they might have that little bit of artificial sweetener quality to them because again it's an artificial self it's a persona it's an image it's an external self three's are kind of in denial of their internal self or could be in denial of their internal self 7-s can be too so stop stop hating on me because we do the same thing okay sevens want to move away from the internal stuff because that's where the pain the boredom the sadness and all that we move away from that and stay focused on everything glittery and shiny and just want to have fun and just want to you know be distracted threes aren't into having fun and being distracted they're into accomplishing and achieving goals but it's that same moving away from the inner life toward the external life and when you don't have a strong inner life and it's all external life then it's gonna come across to people as artificial sevens can come across pretty artificial - pretty shallow okay you might say it that way one of the marks of a three wing - is they can be intimate with a crowd in other words you know they're talking to a crowd and they're sharing their deep thoughts in their heart and there's tears you know and and they're so personable but then when you get them one-on-one they tend to be more standoffish more closed and not vulnerable not vulnerable one-on-one where they look so vulnerable up on the stage or with a group okay so let's see what else do want to say about three wing twos I'm looking by the way at this book the wisdom of Dina Graham - give me some you know helpful good information on this subject three wing 2's are outgoing vivacious quality that can resemble sevens they're friendly helpful generous like twos while maintaining poise and self-esteem because they're 3s they're gonna they're they're gonna continue to look good they can be helpful and fun-loving a7 will let themselves look foolish the three is gonna have a hard time making it letting themselves look foolish they may have they may be light-hearted and and easygoing but they're they're not going to you know put the hospital Bluff over their head and blow it up with their nose there they're probably not gonna do that because that's gonna make them look stupid and threes don't want to look stupid okay sevens are willing to look stupid personal achievement okay they want to be loved there it is right there they want to be loved that's what the Reaser that's what that's what in your heart you really want is to be loved and to know that you're a person worthy of love let me tell you if you haven't heard a long time you are you are a person worthy of love do you don't have to do anything to be valuable you don't do anything you want to accomplish one more thing you don't accomplish anything else to be a person of immense value and worse and maybe you didn't hear that growing up or maybe that wasn't the message that was communicated to you maybe you heard the message that you were valuable because of what you could do you were valuable because of what you could accomplish you were valuable because you know because of some other aspect then that just it was like just being alive isn't enough you have to you have to validate why you're valuable and that's not true that's not a true message like I said before go to any nursery look around at all those little babies what do they need to do to be valuable nothing they don't need to do anything they're not worthless because they haven't accomplished anything yet they have intrinsic value whether they accomplished anything or not and you know that's true so then adopt that and see yourself in that same way you have immense value and worth regardless of whether you ever accomplished another thing or not and and here's the awesome thing is if you can come to realize that about yourself what happens to all the pressure that's on you a lot of that pressure can just go away because now you can use the best-of-three knows that sense of determination that desire to achieve great goals but instead of chasing value you can you can now accomplish those goals from a sense of value from a sense of worth from a sense of destiny and purpose not in order to prove that you're valuable not in order to to validate your your worth and value but because you understand your worth in value you're already on the team you don't have to try to make the team every time you go up to bat you don't have to try and make the team you're wearing the jersey of life you've got the ball bat in your hand and you're on the team sometimes you might strike out it doesn't mean you're off the team so yeah you want to hit the ball for the fences but but not because you have to prove that you deserve to be on the team you're on the team already and because you are filled with gratitude that you're on the team you want to do your best and you should and when threes are doing their best great things happen but it's not because you're trying to get on the team it's because you're grateful that you know I don't really deserve to be on the team but I'm on it and so I want to do the best I can do but now you'll do your best in this more healthy relaxed centered state of purpose rather than trying to chase something you know that that seems like it's it's hard for you to get a hold of out of a sense of Worth and value you can accomplish far more and in a much better way okay because if people can meet the real you I think people want to meet the real you if people could meet the real you but you gotta meet the real you first you know when you look in that mirror apart from all these diplomas and and all these titles and and all this external stuff you know what do you see in that mirror and I think people want to meet that person and see you as you are and love you for who you are but I think it's hard for you to trust that it's hard for you maybe to trust that people will love you for who you are so you start you know working on adopting all these masks they cover up the real you and and that's where the deceit comes in you start believing that all those masks that you see is you but if you could peel back that mask and peel back this one and then who you are at work and what your title is and and what your what you accomplished and and you know your attractiveness and your if you could peel back all that stuff is there anything in the center is that what's the core the core you that's what you got to get to know that's what being 3 is all about is is trying to understand that core person okay and I think that's really you know where the three has to learn to lean on that four wing so the three wing two because the four is all about understanding themselves and how they're different and how they're unique okay and what makes them special and listening to their authentic self and being authentic to them so so the three when they lean on the two what are they doing they're saying what do people need from me how can I help them how can I lift others up that's good and some of you three four is you need to really work on that two wing because you get so stuck in yourself and so stuck on accomplishing for yourself that you're not thinking about how to help others how to inspire others how to motivate others how to be there for others that's the three wing - okay the three wing for the professional the four can really help you guys you three wing - is that for leaning on that for and learning more about that for can really help you get centered and say you know Who am I and what do I care about not what will get me the award and what will get me the promotion and what does my dad value and what do the people around me value but what do I care about what's authentically me I know that I could go work for this company and I can make a lot of money and I could be a success but do I care about the product that companies producing you see the four is going to get a job that lines up with what they value because they want to be true to their authentic self and so a three who leans on that for a little bit says you know life is more than just titles and diplomas and admiration and success success success success what success are you if you accomplish you can gain the whole world and then forfeit your soul your identity personhood what does it gain a man if he it's a whole world accomplishes everything but then loses himself in the process this that verse is written to you threes okay so the 3-ring for the professional let's talk about that a little bit people of this subtype field their self-esteem comes from their work their career more than their personal qualities more than their beauty more than their attractiveness more than their friendliness and their outgoingness it's it's more from their you so this three could look a little bit maybe like a one because they're gonna be disciplined and hardworking and they're gonna be focused on their careers never be focused on accomplishing they're very competitive and they're gonna look maybe a little bit more like a 1 than the 3 wing 2 that can look a little bit like a 2 or a 7 this one's gonna look a little bit more like a 1 because they're more business let's get down to business they're more introverted than the 3 wing to more discipline more focused more quiet determination resolve you might say they want their work to be outstanding they want to turn in perfect work they want their work to be well-regarded they identify themselves with the person that's at work they get their energy and give their energy to their careers they take pleasure in their profession in their craft that they've chosen and will make those personal sacrifices to maintain that professional integrity that you know that that high quality of work they can be diplomatic and charming charming that's the three wing too they can be charming like that but they tend to be more task oriented and serious than then the three wing too so this type though has a challenge because they find themselves often in a struggle between I want to be successful I want to make a lot of money and have a great title and be important at the same time there's this there's this competitive voice within them that for voice that's saying be true to yourself what do you care about what's important to you it's not all about the money you need to be creative and so this three sometimes finds themselves in a struggle because they've got this they've got this part of them that that you know loves nature but getting out in nature doesn't accomplish you know your work objectives and so they find themselves often torn between their creative side or their their real self what they're passionate about and accomplishing goals and tasks to be a winner so there can be some self-doubt in in these people creating a tremendous pressure for them their drive for perfection is kind of like the one however they aspire to embody that perfection I see but they also want to be in touch with their inner self as well and so that can create something that's I think is what it's saying okay so they measure self-worth by their achievement the three week four where I think the three wing two could do that but they're more likely to measure it by their persona by their winsomeness their charming Ness you know their ability to attract people to themselves the three wing four is going to measure more by the bottom-line what they've accomplished in their achievements they're going to be concerned about recognition and getting the recognition that they deserve or they feel they deserved and then this way they can trip over themselves it's all they can always make it about themselves to the point that you know people see through this sometimes you get very frustrated with them and maybe even move away from them because because they can't get themselves they can get out of their own way sometimes they can hide their inner struggle about their personal value they their drive to succeed is complicated by their desire to be creative and to truly be themselves and to know themselves and they tend to be more introverted than the three wing too so if you're a three what does it mean to be present to be present today well it means trying to get out from under all these masks this persona this winner this you know exceptional child this this admire will characterize you are more than just a character you're a person with a heart and it's not gonna be easy for you to get in touch with those feelings again because you tend to shut those down because they're not helpful in accomplishing goals you are a human doer sometimes and you need to learn to be a human being okay that just being just existing is enough and the more centered you get and the more in touch you get with your yourself your own values what you really care about and what you really believe in the the more solid you build that core and get in touch with that core to know yourself the more effective your gonna be and if that's your goal to be effective to win then I think you need to really show up and to be present means to get out from underneath all of what you think it means to be successful and to look at yourself in the mirror and say you know what do I want in life what do I care about I'm gonna get to the top of this ladder but do I do I even really care about the wall I'm climbing up because you're going to get to the top of the ladder you're going to make it the first and fastest and you're gonna get to the top of that ladder twice as fast as everybody else and then what's going to happen you're gonna be standing on top of a wall and you may never even stop to ask yourself is this the wall I want to stand on top of will I care at the end of the day if I win this trophy if I win this position if I win this title if I become CEO of this company will I will will that satisfy me well I then be satisfied if you're not centered and who you are guess what you're gonna dissolve that ladder top of that wall and you're just gonna see another ladder and then you're going to see another ladder and then you're gonna see another ladder and it's never gonna end because you're not running towards something you're running away from something when you can stop running away for a minute and just sit there and let yourself feel what you need to then begins the process of transformation thank you guys wish you the best I'll see you next time

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 21,628

Rating: 4.952024 out of 5

Keywords: enneagram, enneagram type 3, type 3, type three, family, love, marriage, relationships, enneagram three

Id: ylHx52jHruQ

Length: 37min 33sec (2253 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 27 2020