The Enneagram: Help For Type 3

hey guys how's it going today we're gonna talk about type 3 on the India gram the achiever or the performer and I've got my notes in front of me so let's get started the achiever the performer is an adaptable driven person who wants to accomplish big goals big dreams they've got a lot planned for their life they are going to set goals and then be driven to accomplish those goals if you're a3 you may not know you're a three threes are very image conscious and concerned with the image that they present to the world around them and so often threes will miss identify themselves in my experience threes will often miss identify themselves as ones or as twos primarily they may miss identify as other types but part of that goal to protect your image is you may cut you may feel like well I really do want to be a good person so I must be a one or I really do intend to be there to provide care to people so I must be a two when in actuality you may later discover that that you are in fact a three so threes are very image conscious they're very oriented to how they're coming across and what people think of them and that can be a hard thing for you to realize because you know that that that's not something that that you really want to accept is that you really do are concerned with how people perceive you threes are very likable people they're very charming people often they're very charming people I'm sure there's probably some that aren't but the whole deal with threes is they want to come across as likable and charming people they want to identify themselves with the group and and be an outstanding ideal for that group and so they they can continually adapt their identity in order to fit in kind of like a chameleon in order to to fit in with whatever group they're with in fact one of the things that's noted about threes is like at their funeral people from different walks and different groups that they've been associated in will all describe that person differently and so people will say are we sure we know the same person because when that when that achiever was you know with their Lodge buddies they acted one way when they were at work they acted another when they're with their family they acted in another and when when they were with their church you know they acted another way and so they they really fit into whatever group that they were in so well that people from other groups may be surprised by what they learned in that person's life things that they were interested in and ways that they came across in those other groups so let's talk about the three a little bit they have a high they can demonstrate a high sense of self esteem they look very confident they look very put together they look like they know who they are and they know where they're going they're often very energetic they are one of the assertive types eight sevens and threes are the three assertive types on the Enneagram so they do walk in seem confident know what they want willing to take over a room take take the microphone stand on the stage speak they are ambitious they want to improve themselves so they're very concerned with you know self help and those kinds of topics which probably most of those books are written by threes on how to be a good three you know set goals aim high dream big work you know treat people the way you want to be treated and so you know these books that are self-help books are probably you know written mostly by people who that comes naturally to them and and they're really kind of like play books on how to be successful as a three America you know somebody has said that America is kind of a three culture in that you know we're driven to success we're driven you know by appearance we're driven by those external things and so a lot of this self-help material I think is really just three material so they tend to be very competitive and focus on achieving their goals and have a positive can-do attitude they adapt themselves easily to whatever group they're in and know how to present themselves well which is why they're liked and not only are they so successful and they accomplish so much which draws you to them but they tend to be very charming people as well type ones want to do what is right and so those are the employees that you know maybe show up early and stay late and they don't think maybe about it advancing their career they're just doing their job they're just doing what needs to be done threes are gonna take that same job but there there may be always got their eye on how do I move ahead in this company how do I advance my career how do I move from you know this position to assistant manager to manager to regional manager they've got a track that they're they're they're trying to to get to the top of their organization or at least get to the top of their abilities threes can be profoundly moving people and inspirational because they are driven towards success and being successful and looking successful especially if they have a caring attitude about them they they want to mentor you they're looking for mentors in their life examples role models and they they seek to be mentors for the rest of us they they want to provide an ideal example for us by which we can we can follow so they're often successful well-liked inspirational to the rest of us but like any other type on the india graham there can be a dark side to being a three there can be a driven as' that comes at a cost at a personal cost if not careful you know a three can become a human doing instead of a human being in other words it's always about performing it's always about excelling it's always about doing your best it's always about looking good and finishing well and keeping up appearances and so a3 can easily kind of lose themselves and all that and that concern with polishing up that image and that external image they can kind of lose touch with who they really are what they really care about what they want to see accomplished in life in other words they're so driven to get to the top of the ladder of success that they never really maybe stop and think do I even care about this wall that I'm climbing up you know what do I have to do to become the assistant manager what I have to do to become the manager and then one day they get to the top of that that ladder and they look down on all their success and all their accomplishment and all their achievements and and they're asked this question you know do I even care about this company do I even care about this product we're selling do I even care about and know they may not care at all about it they were so caught up in the driven as' and in the becoming a success that maybe they never stopped a question am i working for the right organization you know is this is this in touch with my values and what do I really value and what do I really care about and what's really important to me so driven to accomplish something then maybe they never took the time to stop and realize is this what I'm even passionate about I'm passionate yes excited motivated career oriented driven but am i driven for the right things so you might you know that old phrase you know before you focus on doing things right make sure you're doing the right things you know it's not just about managing yourself and managing your career and managing your future but are you are you even in the right game and this is where threes can get lost is they've never really made me stop to think about do I even care about these stupid goals you know I want a prize so what is this what I really care about is this what I want to give my life to so these are this is a this is gonna be some some soul-searching for you if you're a three this is gonna be a time for you to wake up and really stop and think about who you are and your identity and what really matters and this is not gonna be easy okay this is gonna be challenging for you if you are a thirty this is gonna be challenging or if you love somebody this two three you know have some compassion and some grace on them and you know don't just say I know what's going on here you're working to polish up your image but you don't even know who you are you don't even know your identity be compassionate because this is very sensitive threes this is very hard for you to to get beneath that surface to get beneath that curtain and see what's really lying beneath this can be a really challenging discussion for you so threes but it's important because you don't want to get to the end of your life and have accomplished a big pile of stuff that you don't even care about and that's really the problem for a three they can become over focused you know so focused on seeking recognition for all that they're accomplishing they want to be the best at whatever they're doing that's a lot of pressure I mean just stop right there for a second that's a lot of pressure to be the best at whatever it is you're doing you if you if that's your if that's your goal right now to be the best whatever it is whether it's your golf game or whether it's your you know your sales at the car lot where you'll work or the you know if you're an athlete in your in your racquetball game or whatever it is or weightlifting it to be the best how do you know when will you determine that you're the best and doesn't being the best involve beating everybody else so your goal then is to beat everybody else can you see that that if that's your goal that there might be some competition there there's gonna be hurt feelings on the other side and are you prepared I mean on the one hand you want to be charming and be likeable and be agreeable to people and be adaptable but on the other hand you want to beat everybody else and stand out away from the group as exceptional do you see that maybe sometimes that these two goals are in conflict with each other that that you can raise up tension in the in the places where you work or with the people that you interact with that that this desire of both being liked and being exceptional these forces can work against themselves and you may wonder why people turn against you you may wonder why people have it in for you when you're just trying to be your best you're just trying to accomplish so much you're just trying to be a good example and you wonder why people then turn against you because they don't people don't want to be beaten people don't want to to lose competitions and you've carried all of this you put all this burden on your shoulder that it's not enough to compete it's not enough to perform it's not enough to do a good job it's not enough to go home at the end of the night and say you know I did my job I I got all the you know paperwork done I moved it from this side to that side and I can feel you know good that I accomplished what I needed to accomplish and now I can rest no you can't because you got to be the best you get you're driven to accomplish more than anybody else and to be the example that's a huge burden for you to bear and you might want to think before you you put that burden on yourself can I live can my family live will I have time for a family if I adopt such a heavy burden so threes often are constantly comparing themselves with others how are they doing you know where are they at in the race you can sort of looking behind you to see you know is anybody catching up to me and do I need to put in more effort do it and you put in more because I've got it I got to be exceptional and I've got to set myself apart from the group so I got to know where the group is very image conscious how they're perceived by others they are focused on on portraying a admiring image now where to get themselves into trouble you know they they focus on what do you need and if I take care of your needs then I'll draw you in and then I'll feel loved by you because you'll want to be around me because I'm here for you two two threes work up all that same energy but they don't externalize it like a - does a - will external eyes it and say I'm here to take care of you and and that draws us in because we want to be taken care of we want to be paid attention to and flattered and made to feel important threes what they do is they focus all that energy on themselves on making their image more admirably so they're polishing up the externals they're polishing up the exterior to make themselves more desirable and more attractive not just physically attractive but a more winsome person a more accomplished person and so kind of the the thinking that that lies beneath their surface is if they polish up their surface you'll be drawn to them and you'll you will want to be around them now they'll make themselves more desirable a gaining your admiration your attention and your love but here's the thing admiration from others is not the same thing as being loved by others I just stop and think about that for a minute you know am I really just wanting the admiration of others or do I really want to love and be loved by others it's not the same thing and you know sometimes I think in threes Minds it becomes the same thing like they become content with just being like a - becomes content with being needed by others a 3 becomes content with being admired by others but being admired by others do you want your kids to just admire you or do you want them to love you how can they love you if they don't know you and they don't know you because you may not know yourself all you know is the external image that you're presenting life is a continual presentation of yourself but not but nobody really knows you because you don't really know you because you don't know what your goals in life are and what your priorities are you just know that in order to win you've got to accomplish this you know whatever it is - but you may not you may not know what you really want in life and so you may not be present and this is how threes fail to be present in life is you're not really showing up an image of you is showing up an image that is more desirable more likeable more winsome more attractive more accomplished that's what's showing up but nobody really knows you so life is like a continual job interview for a three they're always putting their best foot forward they're always polishing up their resume and this is why the sin of a three I don't know if I said four right there I'm at three the sin of a three is deceit now what does that mean well not only make threes sometimes leave out details of their mistakes and failures because it doesn't promote their image but threes actually start to begin to believe that their image that they are presenting is actually themselves in other words I'm so successful at work I'm so successful you know in my appearance are so successful in my accomplishments that I am then successful but you may be a miserable failure at life you know but but this one area of your life that you focused on work or this one area of your life you focused on your your your beauty or this area you focused on you know as an athlete you start to believe your own press that the clothes really do make the man but it's just clothes that's not you but c3 Slyke twos and fours are in that shame quadrant of the of the Enneagram now in the Garden of Eden there's no shame it says Batman and woman walked around naked and felt no shame but now we live in a world with shame anger and the top shame on this side and fear on on five sixes and sevens but shame for a three is something they're running away from is something you are running away from you may never have thought about it like that before because threes they're always thinking about what they're running toward they're running toward a goal they're running toward accomplishment they're running towards success toward a six-figure income toward a beautiful appearance they're running toward you know whatever is gonna make them prestigious and outstanding but stop and think for a second you're not just running towards something you're running away from something okay and what is it that twos threes and fours are running away from shame in other words a two starts to think you know maybe I'm not valuable maybe I'm not worthy maybe I'm not intrinsically worthy of being loved well if I if I serve a role of meeting everybody's needs and giving so much care and attention to everybody then surely unloved surely I'm needed surely I'm important now but it's that sense of shame that drives them toward that service okay so think about a for for example the the individualist next video that I do will be about a four the four says well shame is something that everybody experiences and I'm not like everybody I'm different than everybody else so maybe I don't need to be ashamed because I'm different and so I'm exceptional in that I'm unique and I don't fit in with everybody else I'm not like everybody else and so I don't have the same shame that everybody else has okay so that's the shenanigan there of the four well here's the shenanigan of the three in by shenanigan i mean this is the crazy stuff we start to believe about ourselves the three says since I've accomplished so much since I have so many citations and awards and diplomas and prestigious offices and such beautiful appearance and won so many trophies well then I don't have anything to be ashamed of because I've accomplished so much so I don't I don't need to be ashamed I'm valuable I'm worthy of your respect I'm worthy of your admiration I'm worthy of your attention because look at all that I look at all that I have accomplished yet you never really think you know did I did I really want all these accomplishments don't even care about these accomplishments and and why just in this area of my life I mean in other words why did I accomplish all of this in terms of being an athlete but what did I do as a parent was that an exceptional parent was I onyx maybe I accomplished so much at work you know look at all this I accomplished at work look at all this I moved up through the ladder yeah because you were driven because you're running away from your sense of self worthlessness so what you look at is a strength I'm so driven I'm so focused I'm so accomplished I have such a hunger to accomplish so much is actually according to the India gram and according to the Bible is actually your desire to do nothing more than Adam and Eve did when they cover themselves with fig leaves it's your fig leaves you don't need to be ashamed because look at all you've accomplished look at all you've look how it admirable you are yet the reality is you're broken just like everybody else you know you're in inner core is wounded and broken just like everybody else's no matter how good you look on the outside no matter how polished you are on the outside so you know there's an old saying threes if I'm not cheating then I don't really care and so I don't know if that's appropriate or true of a three you'll have to judge your own experience but you know threes as long as I'm winning everything is okay that's kind of the idea of the way threes think you know the one as long as I'm doing what's right everything is okay you know I do my best and of course the one never feels like they got they got it right but a three you know it says as long as I'm winning everything is okay and if I'm not cheating then I must not care about it because a three remember the sin is deceit and so they may you may feel that compulsion in you or that impulse to deceive in order to to advance in order to get ahead so threes if they're not careful can lose touch with their own heart and that successful veneer just covers a shell of is just a shell that covers their emptiness and if you're a three right now this is probably stinging a little bit this is probably you know scratching a little bit cuz we're getting beneath the surface this stuff maybe you've never thought about before you just knew you were driven to succeed you just knew you were driven to win you just knew you were driven to make an accomplishment but maybe never thought about where this driven this is coming from you know essentially you're asking yourself what makes me worthy of love and you're answering that question by trying to accomplish a lot but you know does that really work when you think about other people is that why you love let's say is that why you love your own mother because of all that she accomplished at work or because she was a successful athlete or because she could benchpress 250 you know is that why you loved your grandmother because of what she accomplished in her life because she was the head secretary at IBM is that why you loved your grandmother no I would dare say that that you never have loved anybody because of what they've accomplished and yet look how driven you are to accomplish so much that really doesn't at the end of the day matter not in terms of relationships with people not in terms of being genuine being real and authentic with yourself that's something you could learn from the four on the inia gram right next to you you could lean a little on that wing that four wing and say you know maybe I need to be real what would real look like for me what are my real motives what do I really care about and if you leaned a little bit on that too and said you know it's not just about me but I should be here to help other people I should use whatever I've learned and whatever promotions I've got to be of use to serving other people all right so it's kind of like threes you know prepare we holding up that sign mommy daddy look at me mommy daddy look at me look at what they kind of never got out of that you know whatever that is that middle school age you know where look at me I'm gonna dive off the diving board mommy look at me look at me I'm riding my bike daddy look at me and it's kind of like they're going through life holding a sign look at me and what they're really asking for is a my valuable do I matter does anybody love me does anybody notice me does anybody care about me and I'm telling you if you've never thought about this this is powerful powerful stuff that is life-changing for you if you'll embrace this it will change your life because you'll get centered again and you'll start to say what do I care about what am I on earth to accomplish not what could I accomplish because we all know you could accomplish the world but what do you want to accomplish what are you called to accomplish and what is important to you in other words don't get to the top of the wall without ever asking yourself do I even care about any of this find out what it is you care about and then be a healthy three and use that driven ascend that passion to accomplish something that matters that something is valuable something that is essentially you all right so not only are threes holding up a sign that says you know look at me do I matter but in another way you might say the one thing that a three will not ever be is a nobody I won't be a nobody that is like the big fear so maybe they'll buy a big house they can't afford in a prestigious neighborhood or an exotic car that stands out away from the group go for a glamorous career you know something important or significant you know and rather than going into being a doctor because they care about people I'm gonna be a doctor because it pays so well and I stand out it's a prestigious career I get to wear you know a white coat and have a beautiful car but that at the end of the day think about that do you want your doctor who is in charge of helping you overcome cancer do you want that doctor to be it the reason he's a doctor she's a doctor is because they want to stand out and be successful no you want a doctor that cares about you cares about people cares about healing cares about making people healthy and there's nothing wrong with being driven and having these goals and all that but check those and say is that what's driving me into medicine because that's not a reason to be drawn into medicine to stand out and be successful yourself or politicians think about that do you want a mayor whose primary objective in life is to better himself better her career so they've got this position of public service so they can stand out and be admired is that the qualification for being a good no you want somebody that's gonna be a mayor who cares about the city that they that they are in charge of that's what you want in a mayor you want a politician that cares about the community they're serving not that they stand out that they get advanced in their career okay so many top-notch athletes or threes because they're concerned about setting records and being the best and how everybody else is doing and beaten that threes want to be successful but maybe for different reasons than some of the other types on the Enneagram sevens want to be successful make a lot of money because of all the freedom it brings boy if I could you know have a million dollars well think of all the fun adventures I could go on you know that'd be thrilling I could go to Mount Rushmore on Tuesday in the Grand Canyon on Wednesday and Pikes Peak on Thursday and we could just adventure adventure all the fun you know we could ride jet skis we could buy horses we could we could go hang gliding we could tour Europe that's what sevens think about wealth is it's like a ticket to whatever experiences that are going to bring you know that sense of of wholeness but eight they may seek success and wealth because then I won't have to depend on anybody see then everybody can stay out of my business and I won't need anybody I want to work for the man I won't have to you know answer to anybody and I can just do what I want but threes are driven towards success and financial independence and all those things because it's a trophy because they don't want to disappear into a chasm of emptiness who am i if I'm not successful see then that cloud of shame will catch up to me and I'll have to own it and say you know maybe I'm not a perfect person maybe I've got failures and so that driven us to the three fields towards success is it's like a pin that they can wear and say I don't need anything I need to be ashamed of anything look at me look at all I've accomplished you should admire me without measurable signs of success and increased attention from others and feelings of accomplishment they're afraid that you're afraid if you're a3 that you're going to be a nobody well who will I be then see in other words you don't know who you are you don't know your core so you want to be perceived as somebody important somebody influential somebody makes a lot of money somebody that's successful the basic fear of a3 is being worthless I just let that sink in for a minute what is it that's driving all this madness is I'm afraid I'm worthless well are you worthless no you were created by a designer and you have inherent value and worth just because you exist [Music] everything you accomplish doesn't make you valuable doesn't make you worthwhile you are already valuable and worthwhile think about it like this when you were baby if you have a baby what did that baby ever accomplished and yet all of your love as a parent immediately just falls on that baby just because they exist just because they are they don't accomplish anything they haven't set themselves apart in any way except that they have a stinky diaper and that they cry and yet you love and are attracted and drawn to that little baby their innocence their purity all right so the basic fears of being worthless is that I'm without value apart from all my accomplishments so that drives you to accomplish the basic desire of a three is to feel worthwhile is to feel acceptable is to feel desirable the basic message that you tell yourself as a three is I am good or I am okay as long as I am successful and everybody likes me and everybody thinks well of me and everybody admires me some famous threes in our culture or Tony Robbins you know the motivational speaker Tom Cruise Christopher Reeves Tiger Woods Vanessa Williams Michael Jordan Cindy Crawford Burt Reynolds Rob Lowe you can see all these people I mean they're all attractive they're all you know winsome personalities Raquel Welch William Shatner I think mr. Drysdale off the Beverly Hillbillies is a good example of the deceitfulness of a three willing to do whatever it takes you know say whatever needs to be said in order to be a success as a banker Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter Gaston on Beauty and the Beast the three wing two is known as the charmer they're outgoing and friendly and helpful they want to be loved and close to people they they dazzle people with their winsomeness the 3/4 is the professional their success comes for their their value comes from their sense of success and what they're doing in their work they may look like a type-1 in that they have a strong work ethic but it may not be because they're doing it you know because we got to get these tasks done I got to be a good person but they're doing their work in an impressive way to be valuable and as a sense of value of gaining their value threes fear failure and humiliation I'm a seven and I'm an assertive type too one of the differences between threes and sevens is sevens want to raise the energy we're running away from fear and so we want to raise the energy raise the mood and we're willing to let ourselves look stupid people like Robin Williams like Jim Carrey think of those as threes Jimmy Fallon they're willing to make themselves look foolish in order to accomplish that goal then everything is okay I don't have anything to be afraid of because we're all laughing okay that's kind of the idea three sevens or living by threes have a hard much harder time looking foolish at the end of the day you don't want to look foolish as in three and so it can that can be a distinction between threes and sevens is both may be highly energetic but threes have a hard time letting themselves look foolish let's see what else we want to say threes want to project a winning image say the right thing be likeable here's the thing though in private they may they may be a completely different person in other words their house may be a beautiful home on the outside people drive by it is impressive everything's manicured looks great walk in there very impressive big oversized pictures oversized furniture everything's big beautiful right but then their bedrooms a mess or their closet is a mess or their personal bathroom is a mess and now wait a minute now hold on here see what what's the problem why is it so externally attractive but internally look it's a metaphor for what's going on in your life and on the outside everything looks very put together and very presentable but what's going on in the inside of your life see that's the part of your life maybe you're not in touch with is that core that identity of who are you and what what are you and what do you care about where's your sense of value and self-worth calm so you may have this beautiful home you live on the exterior but your bedroom is a mess you don't make your own bed but well I think see here's the thing nobody sees that so why does it matter nobody sees it but see that's just the point is everything if everything in your life is done for what people see who are you as a person and so maybe some time and attention needs to be given to the interior of your life which is what you're doing right now by watching this video and I'm proud of you I'm proud of you okay so your locker you know your desk may look a mess because it's your space and see you got this in your mind that well these other spaces are what people see about me and that's what really matters the image so you spend your life polishing up an image but never giving a moment to really think about the core there's something wrong with that okay focused on the persona the character you know the character you play the role you play rather than real soul development you're afraid people will see your deficits so you give yourself pep talks you give yourself pep talks you pep yourself up you know keep a positive image in the forefront at all times you want to manage everybody's impression of you you're looking for a winning formula do whatever it takes you set goals the problem is is people don't know who they are a part know who you are apart from the image that you project others in becoming the office hero or the diligent employee or the superstar here's the thing your heart is pushed aside and forgotten and that's how threes essentially get lost so you focus on becoming the outstanding athlete or the over you know accomplished job performer or the money maker or the the giver of chert the giver to charity and so this is what's all over your facebook it's all over your social media is look at me look what I'm doing look what I've accomplished look at what I look at what I finished look at this you know I won look at this trophy look at this poor person that I helped it's all public images all you know PR I'm a high-performing parent you know and so you you always projecting this image you're always careful about how you're coming across to people you're the ideal person in this category of life but when you look inward what do you feel emptiness there's a black hole there and you know it there's a black hole there when you look inward and so in a sense you're like always wearing you know what to pay a rug on the top of your head Hey look I got here look I got here look at this but is it real is this really what you care about is this really what you're passionate about you know when you look inward you may you may sense a certain emptiness so threes often keep people at a safe distance they kind of keep people at arm's length away from them because if they ever got to know me if they ever knew my closet was a wreck if they ever knew how I really talk and what I really think and how I really behave see see keep people at a distance you keep people at an arm's length because if they ever got in beneath that surface and found out who you really are well then they might reject me and being rejected is the thing that threes can't handle because if I'm rejected then I'm not a person of value and I'm not a person of worth and that's all your life is trying to accomplish is I'm a person of value I'm a person of worth look at everything that I've accomplished so it's self protective behavior but true intimacy with people is what is being real with people being genuine with people letting them know what you think letting them know how you feel and then sharing and and and then at least if they reject you at least they knew you real intimacy can't happen if people don't know who you are here's the thing though as a three you may not care because you may actually want the image of a successful relationship more than you care about the substance of a real relationship in other words I would rather project that my wife and I are some you know magic couple Oh everybody thinks wow they're just he just loves his wife so much they're just such a wonderful couple they're just an outstanding role model to everybody and so it may be more important to you to project this image of a loving couple then actually having the substance of a real being a real loving couple you don't want to necessarily put the time and the investment in the energy and to really care about this person and to really love this person and to really know this person because that's not what's really important to you at the end of the day it's projecting an image that we're a loving couple hello and so you may not even care about what your company makes you may not even use the product or care about it at all what you're interested in is becoming you know the top level manager at Toyota and you go home and you drive a Honda because you don't even care about the product itself the substance doesn't matter to you it's it's the perceived image okay whew so what are feelings like two or three when they start to feel this emptiness they start to feel this feelings for threes are like speed bumps you get over them they slow you down so I don't feel stuff but feelings go to your fore wing feelings are important to serve as indications as to what's going on inside you and what you care about in your identity so maybe you could lean a little bit on that four wing and say you know maybe feelings because fours are consumed with their feelings to the point that it can become an unhealthy so feelings maybe are more than just things that slow you down maybe you should stop and look out over horizon for a moment go stayin at the beach or go stand at the mountains or go stand in the forest or lay down look up at the clouds and say what do I feel you know that'd be a helpful experience just to get some solitude and some silence and some stillness that's what the old you know religious people used to call contemplative I need to contemplate my life for a moment and think about what's really important to me and say why am I here on earth what am I here to accomplish you know what do i what am i passionate about what's what's the Lord put in my heart you know and who are these people that are around me and do do I know them and do they really know me see this is contemplative stuff but this is just speed bumps for you cuz you're you're going somewhere you're getting something done and I don't have time to sit and wonder well you know how I feel about things when assertive threes get unhealthy they become like withdrawn nines in other words when you feel like you can't win you feel like you can't get ahead and you feel like the stack the cards are stacked against you and you you but you start to slow down and maybe even stop and you just hibernate you just go dealt or dormant you just die on the outside you just say what's the point what do I even care I don't even care and threes who were driven to success when they get overwhelmed or insecure or frustrated with life you may just see them stop and shut down and maybe even abuse painkillers or substances become increasingly passive and uninterested in their work and they just start going through the motions and in a way it kind of resembled nines who just go through routines without ever really being awake to life you may just kind of go to sleep to life and just have a lack of interest in anything or anyone else and even have a lack of interest in the image that you're projecting when assertive threes are healthy look at this they move over to a compliant six what are six care about six is care about what's everybody else doing how's everybody else doing it they don't want to stand out sixes don't want to stand out they want to fit in they want to blend in they want to be a part of the group they wouldn't find their safety and being a part of the team sixes want to be friendly so that everybody will you know before them and not against them sixes want to follow the rules so that they won't be in trouble sixes you know will stand up to whatever they're afraid of because they don't want to live in fear when threes become healthy and secure watch this they stopped caring about just themselves and they start caring about the group and they want everybody to succeed and they're saying how can we move everybody forward not just me and not just how do I stand out but how can we make the group successful that's a good thing for a three that's when you're healthy that's you up at the top of the mountain when you say you know it's not just about me accomplishing stuff it's not just about me staying and now it's not just about me getting an award it's about what am I doing for my family how am I making my family better how am I making my church better how am I making my community better how am I making this organization better what am i doing for Mary what am i doing for Rob what am i doing for Steve what am i doing for Jack it's not just are these people am i able to step on them to get ahead but can I move others with me that's when you know threes are getting healthy is when they start caring about the group awesome stuff as threes children this is the mezack message that resonated with you as a three when you were a child the message that resonated with you as a three was you are only loved or valued for what you can accomplish you're only loved and valued for what you can accomplish and for how charming you are that's it that's the message that you walked away with from childhood now I don't know whether people intended to communicate that to you or not but that's kind of what you heard as a child what you needed to hear well listen to this because you may still need to hear this today this is the message you needed to hear you are wonderful just the way you are you can stop you can stop all the running you can stop all the accomplishing you can stop all the achieving you can stop all the makeup and all the surgeries and all the enhancements you are wonderful just the way you are now here's the thing I said that and you heard it but you probably still don't believe it you're probably having a hard time believing now here's the thing think about that baby that you were holding were they wonderful just the way they were or were you only gonna love them if they accomplished something okay I think about that toddler in your life your nephew your niece or your child what do they need to accomplish in order for them to be wonderful nothing because you know they're wonderful just the way they are whether they accomplished anything or not just because they exist just because of who they are just because they walk in relationship with you you want to pick them up and hold them and cherish them whether they've accomplished anything or not even when they've been ugly even when they've been nasty even when they've been frustrated and tired and upset and cranky you know all of a sudden say well now you're not a person of value and now I don't care for you anymore no you know they're just they're tired and they're gonna get over it or they're going through a phase and they'll get out of that it there's never a question of value but this is a hard thing for you to realize about yourself because you're in the shame category is you are worthwhile and valuable just the way you are right now and I wish you could embrace this because it's the truth it's the truth of the universe okay that you are a person of value right now just because you exist you're not an accident you're not here by random chance you're here designed and created exactly as you are broken yes we don't live in the Garden of Eden you're broken you're falling yes marred stained yes but valuable and worthy and worthwhile here's what you needed to hear as a child you're pleasing to me just the way you are you're welcomed into this world welcomed into this world um let's see what else we want to say it's powerful stuff a key word for threes is adaptability I talked about this a little bit the beginning but you know threes are good about changing to fit and that's one of the reasons we like them so much is because they will adapt their themselves or at least appear to adapt themselves to fit in with whatever group they're in and to be who they need to be in order to succeed in order to be charming and in order to be liked okay but that comes with a dark side too as you can imagine you know because if you can adapt that easily into whatever situation you're in then what do you really value that's something to think about you know how can you how can you adapt into other groups so easily and if you have a strong central core as to who you are in other words think about the one for example there are some things they won't do alright they've made some decisions they're like you know I think about that song by Aaron Tippin I got it honest you know I got these sturdy values handed down from my mama and my daddy and I can sleep at night and there's things I won't do well you could benefit from that as a three is okay what are some things I won't do what are some things that I'll never do in this pursuit of getting ahead and create some convictions you might say are some boundaries that you won't cross the fundamental problem of a3 is you're detached from your own identity the fundamental problem is you're attached from your honor your source of value changes depending on your performance and the audience to which you're speaking to the audience of the moment so busy trying to achieve the prize that you never stop to ask do I even care about this prize or is this part important it's always about getting ahead it's always about accomplishing something more being successful at work is not the same thing as being successful think about that for a minute okay how do you define success not how does the culture define it not out of the self-help books to find it now how does your boss define it but you what do you want in life see this is hard stuff isn't it hard for you it's not hard for a for this is the way the four thinks this is why the four will go work for the Peace Corps because they want to do with something to value valuable to the world to themselves they want to be authentic to themselves but the three this is hard for you because you may not know what you care about you may not know what's a value to you okay you need to connect deeply with your own heart be present to yourself and present to others if you don't ever know your own heart you'll remain untouched by life by life and without knowing your heart you will be disconnected from others it will only lead to loneliness empty victories and emotional disconnection this is the CEO you know that cheating on his wife and drinking himself to sleep at night he's accomplished so much he's in charge of so much you know but his own life is a wreck because he was never really present so life is all external is all you know done for image the the road you're on if it's not changed is going to lead to loneliness is going to lead to empty victories and emotional disconnection so you gotta let other people in your life healing begins for you when you can start to say maybe I don't have to be the best man I'll tell you what is a seven that's something I just inherently understand you don't have to be the best you just do your best and then walk away from it and leave it you don't have to be the best just do your best that's a huge shift maybe others opinions of me aren't so important if you can learn to say you know well maybe other people they'll have their opinions and that's fine whatever and not everybody's gonna like me that's fine I'll just now I got my dog got my wife my kids my dog I go home at the end in the night and if those people love me I'm fine that would be very helpful for you steps toward wholeness and healing number one here's ten of them okay steps toward wholeness and healing number one remember that it is essential to be truthful and honest with yourself and others about your feelings and your needs recognize that sometimes you may begin to turn on the charm for others just recognize that you're doing it and then choose whether you really want to do that or not you will impress people more deeply if you're real with them okay it's a it's difficult to be real with people to be authentic with people rather than bragging about your successes and your accomplishments sweeping your shame under the carpet you know with how successful you are and what you've accomplished that doesn't necessarily always draw people to you sometimes it repels people from you and it can cause competitive spirit among other people with you you don't have to always just improve you know your external but be authentic and real with people that is a great accomplishment you want to accomplish something great be real with people start there share your needs your feelings your wants but you got to know what those are and to know what those are you may have to spend some time in contemplation okay number two learn to cooperate in your relationships not every relationship is competition they're cooperative okay so pause from your busy day to really connect with yourself and others there's nothing spectacular and you won't get a prize to just sit down with somebody and visit with them and just get to know them and just laugh with them but that's what life is all about it's all about relationships and getting to know people and sharing and caring about people do you won't get a prize for you won't get any kind of certificate for it you won't get an award or a medal are recognized nobody will wipe away your shame if you give if you take ten minutes and sit down and your neighbor's cubicle or your neighbor's office and just talk about the weekend there's nothing there's no advantage to be gained by that except you're being real with people which is what life is really all about so take the focus off of how you're coming across don't just continually think about well what does this person think about me how are they perceiving me take the focus off yourself don't feel the need to impress everybody focus your attention on them lean on your to wing there for a minute and focus your attention on them and what they need and hearing their story and being there for them without what does make them like me more just enjoy the interaction focus on connecting with others not with how am i coming across okay number three learn to take some breaks okay if you're driven you're going to accomplish all this stuff you're gonna need a rest okay don't take work home with you something you can learn from the nine when you're healthy you go to the nine the nine knows it's time to rest you know when you go home put aside all this driven as' if you can embrace the fact that you're a person of value and worthwhile no matter what you accomplish then you can go home and say I don't need to accomplish everything tonight I could just enjoy dinner with my family I could just go putt-putt golf with my kids and I can just enjoy it I don't have to run and chase success all the time maybe be a success at home okay or have a hobby and just let your mind relax for a while number four cooperate with others which I kind of said already in the second one but see your service as being a contribution to the team there we go not just I got to be the head of the team just this be on a team there you go just try to be on a team try not to get to the top of that team just find some team that you can be a part of and just be on the team a team member rather than the team driver okay number five be careful about adapting to the expectations of everybody else so much that you lose a sense of what you really care about maybe you're still trying to impress mom or dad they weren't attentive to you and so you're still trying to impress them come on what do you care about number six support and encourage others so instead of looking for their attention in their admiration start applauding them find what everybody else is doing and start applauding what they're doing and give your admiration to others you want admiration from others give admiration to others do the opposite of what your impulse to do you will become an even more desirable friend think about this you will become a much more desirable friend when you give attention and admiration to other people rather than always expecting it from them if you really want to be admired by people then admire them interesting learn that from the two-seven use your energy and your sense of humor and your ability to organize and create excitement to help others instead of yourself all the time number eight unrealistic expectation of yourself can lead toward depression because you never measure up to that what you could have accomplished when you fail to reach that desired level of success you can become enraged just realize that your expectations might be a little too much your valuable whether you can accomplish everything you set out to number nine admit to yourself when you're in over your head when you've reached your limit number 10 don't be distracted by comparing yourself all the time learn to accept yourself and don't worry about everybody else's opinion of you and learn to be in solitude sometimes well this has been a great study I tell you what there's a lot of threes in my life that I enjoy being around that are healthy be healthy be present to life be there for the people in your life show up fully yourself don't worry about always how you're coming across just open up and be real with people let people get to know you let people care about you as you care about them be present and be a blessing to others and use the time that you have left to do what's most important in life don't always be focused on how you're coming across and how you're being presented and how you're being perceived focus rather on meeting needs in people's lives and being present to them and being an encouragement to them alright guys blessings in your life and as always I love sharing my life with yours and I hope that you will pass this on with others and that you'll be different as a result of it till I see you next time take care

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 15,992

Rating: 4.9316239 out of 5

Keywords: Marriage, Enneagram, personalities, love, relationships, parenting, enneagram 3, enneagram three, enneagram type 3

Id: WCHAe9K5KpU

Length: 59min 36sec (3576 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 04 2019