Enneagram: In Relationship With Type 3

hey guys welcome to my channel my name is dr tom lehu we're going to be talking about enneagram type 3 and relationships and being in a relationship with a type 3 or if you are a three in relationship we're going to talk about helpful encouraging words uh for you guys so in relationship with type three before we get started i just want to say thank you for checking out the channel in the description below is a link to my website tomlehue.com i do offer coaching appointments if you want to reach out to me i'd love to meet with you and also we have a certificate programs in enneagram coaching it's a six week program and i'd love for you to sign up and be a part of our next cohort and also we have a new program started called the enneagram relationship coaching it also is a six week program thanks to my patrons i really appreciate your support and uh thank you uh for uh for checking out this video so let's get into it today uh enneagram type three the achiever the performer you know even that word performer has kind of a negative connotation doesn't it um i'm not really the person doing the thing i'm performing and uh there's a little sense there's a sense of that idea of like an actor who isn't necessarily showing up fully present to life but filling a role performing carrying out all these objectives carrying out all these tasks these tasks achieving all of these results but not necessarily really being honest and true to themselves or showing up fully and being present to life and of course the sin of the three is deceit and i think that refers to in many ways a three might start to believe that all of their accomplishments and all their achievements are actually creating an identity for them sometimes they're a little bit disengaged from their true self and they start to think that maybe the roles that i feel and the accomplishments that i achieve actually become my identity and so they're a little bit over focused on the persona or the mask or the exterior world or the exterior life or their image however you want to say it the exterior world becomes the focus of their attention at the neglect sometimes of the interior world that's why f3 needs that four wing so desperately to stay in touch with their true self their authentic self to ask those deep questions is this really who i am and is this really what i'm passionate about is this really what i care about um so let's dive into this today um and talk about what a relationship is like 403 what the challenges would be for uh being in a relationship with the three what conflict might look like intimacy and and and the like as i prepare for uh the enneagram uh relationship coaching certificate and as i put my notes in order what i want to uh focus on helping couples uh helping people in relationships that are sometimes getting sideways with each other i'm going through and creating these videos just as sort of as i go through and do more research in terms of couple of each type in relationship so several the books that i'm looking at i'll just flash them up here on the screen for you these are the kind of what i'm drawing from um enneagram and love and work and of course the uh the old standards and i've got a shelf of them over there as well as all kinds of other relationship books um my desk is getting full of of books and so um let's let's dive into this okay so what do threes want out of a relationship uh what are they looking for what would the strengths weaknesses challenges difficulties be in being in a relationship with a three threes are focused on on outstanding performance on their status and their image and how they're being perceived in other people's eyes remember they are a value type or a worth type so in that quest for attaining value or feeling valuable twos threes and fours all in the worth type tend to move away from the group to differentiate themselves in some significant way so twos move away from the group to differentiate themselves as being helpers and givers and special friends and befrienders and pleasers and you know i'm not like everybody else i help and love and take care of people force i'm not like everybody else i'm an artist i'm creative i wear different clothes i listen to different music i eat different food i have a special diet and threes i'm not like everybody else i'm a leader a winner an entrepreneur an achiever a lion everyone else's sheep and i'm willing to work those long hours to accomplish the goals and crush those goals and win competitions i will do the push-ups the sit-ups and i will come early and stay late again it's way of differentiating yourself away from the group and and and the belief is is if i stand out in some way in some significant way then i have value and worth and i have some perceived value and worth realize you know a lot of types like nines and sixes they really want to be a part of the group you know they want to blend in they want to merge with the group and fit in um and not so with twos threes and fours uh you might see that especially with fours uh but in terms of of what we would think of as success or accomplishment definitely threes okay fours might define success far differently than than threes being true to yourself uh living your life with purpose and not getting caught up in the mundane or the uh the the pedestrian values of our culture okay so let's talk about threes today's video is about threes so you have to be somebody in the eyes of others or you might run the risk of becoming a nobody in your own eyes that's an interesting quote you have to be somebody in the eyes of others or run the risk of being a nobody in your own eyes what was the never ever behavior of a three i think it was to ignore um to ignore them the three world view we could say it is like this there is a result to everything everything brings about results so cause and effect and so if you want to change your results then you need to change your your action you need to take action you need to you need to change what you're doing in order to change your results so there's a very high locus of control we might say among threes that i have the ability to bring about an effect change and i don't think threes are going going going to want to over think like sixes might or sevens overthink you know the process they're just going to want to take action what needs to be done what will bring about the best results what is the pragmatic steps that we can take to bring about change then let's take action so threes remember are an assertive type with sevens and eights who go after what they want they're energized by going after what they want assertive types you might say assertive types would wake up in the morning with an agenda i'm going after this thing and if you want to join me on that agenda fine if you don't then you need to step out of the way because don't try to thwart the agenda threes are also a part of the competency group with ones and fives ones wanting to be competent in being dutiful responsible and good fives wanting to be competent in their information and their understanding and in being uh adept uh threes wanting to be competent in in their abilities competent in uh achieving goals and want to be seen as competent or are known as competent so there are results to everything and action gets results now that can be very frustrating in a relationship if relationship isn't going so well then okay well i need to change my my uh strategic plan and then i could bring about different results but what if you can't i mean what if what if things aren't just going well and you and you try one strategic plan after another and it's not necessarily bringing the results that you would like remember three has a line to nine there might be a sense in which threes might just kind of give up and say i've tried this i've tried that i've tried this and i can't get the results that i want so i'm just going to back away i'm going to remove myself from this because failure is not an option failure feels you know like death two or three and i'm just going to step aside step away sort of pull the blinds down and go dark withdraw myself from this encounter because it's not working what i'm doing is not working all right so there are results to everything everything your three does is to get results now i didn't say that that was in one of the books that that i was reading and i thought it was an interesting thought because uh it'd be interesting to see you know what you guys as threes think about that or you guys that live with threes but everything is done to get results let me give you an example you don't just go work out because you know it's it's thursday and today's gym day and i meet my friends at the gym and we enjoy each other's company and you know i like to be active and i want to just be a healthy person and it's a part of my normal no you go to the gym to get results and so everything needs to be measured it needs the progress needs to be measured there needs to be goals there needs to be a plan there needs to be objectives and so you go to the gym in order to accomplish certain results that's very different than people that just go to the gym because you know it's it's a it's it's just a natural part of their normal healthy lifestyle and they're not necessarily focused on measuring every inch or measuring their progress they're just going because it's their habit it's their routine and they like seeing their friends and it gets them out of the house and those reasons are i don't think are going to be strong enough they're not going to be motivating enough for a three you don't just go to work because it's work day you don't just go to work because well everybody needs a job and my job is down at the quarry and so i just go to work because it's monday through friday and it's eight to five and um you know it's expected it's what i'm supposed to do if i'm going to go to work then i'm going to go to work to get results now you can see threes can be very frustrated working with teams that aren't necessarily oriented toward getting results threes can be very frustrated working with people who just are showing up doing their job and then you know kind of working for the weekend and they don't take their work home with them and threes do take their work home with them and so they can be frustrated and they're going to move ahead they're going to be focused on moving ahead threes are going to be very frustrated when they don't see a clear path forward or a clear path toward progress or advancement if i've topped out at work and i can't see how i could improve or or move to a higher level or take this business to a higher level i think you're going to see threes get very anxious and either change that and move it to a higher level or maybe just again back out and redirect their attention and focus somewhere else threes are always wanting to improve things they're always wanting to make things better they're always wanting to get to the next rung in the ladder to the next level rarely stopping to enjoy the level they're on and there's that whole being present to life thing right if you're so focused on reaching the next level it's hard for you to enjoy the journey it's hard for you to enjoy the the moment that you're in or the present moment because most of your attention is going to reaching that next level or reaching that next uh that next rung on the ladder so even in recreation you know a lot of people would go out and they would ride bikes because they enjoy riding bikes period they're they're not setting goals for their bike riding they're just riding bikes because they enjoy riding a bike or they enjoy riding a bike with someone and so they're writing and talking and you know just having a conversation and they're not turning it into goals and objectives but you know a three is probably going to learn about mountain biking and then acquire you know a top of the line bike shopping right next to a seven sevens are going to want to get five or six or ten bikes and one of each kind but threes are going to want to get that premier bicycle and then they're going to get the clothes you know the bikers clothes the spandex shirt and the spandex pants and the you know and all the gear that they think they need and then they're going to start setting goals and objectives and they're going to start you know um training training that's the mindset that that we don't just go ride bikes no we're in training we're going to we're going to sign up for some competition you know in arizona where we bike 27 miles and uh now we are in a training for that and so we're crushing goals we're reaching objectives and and look we turn something that could just be a hobby that just be a pastime that could just be something we enjoy into into uh training now there's nothing inherently wrong with this just realize that that you may have a tendency to do this kind of thing even in relationships it can be hard to be in a relationship with somebody who needs goals and objectives because for a lot of us relationships should just be casual and comfortable and easy and we just want a companion we're not trying to better uh ourselves all the time we're not trying to move to a greater level um and you know a relationship could feel like maybe i'm being pushed and and motivated to become a better person all the time and why can't we just you know why can't we just love each other why can't we just enjoy each other's company why do we have to always be improving why do we always have to be pushing and pushing and pushing there's a sense of like discontent and and some of the people that you might relate to might not like being in a relationship where there's this constant level of discontent like like we this could be better this could be improving um so you might just ask yourself you know measuring progress and setting goals and challenging yourself and being in competition what effect might this kind of orientation have on relationships maybe some good maybe some good you know and maybe some not so good so being aware of this you might be able to realize that your your tendency to to put things into this kind of frame of thinking might have a negative effect on the long term on a relationship certainly it's great for us to want to improve our relationships i mean that's the whole point of these videos it's the whole point of of the the coaching certificate certification programs the whole point of all of this but there needs to also be balance and balance in relationships means we're not always scoring ourselves to try to reach a new level and to to improve ourselves we're also just watching tv and going for a walk and we're also just sharing our hearts and talking to one another and raising a family and not always focused on how to improve improve improve okay so they enjoy checking things off their list they threes feel valuable because they are accomplishing things on that on that task list on that goal sheet goals are extremely important to threes if threes don't know what the goal is they're going to work to try to put that goal you know in a clear direct stated way so that now we have the objective because i got to know that i'm i'm moving towards something i got to know that i'm making progress so goals are extremely important and again here's one of the questions you might ask is what's the goal of your relationship a lot of people don't think that way they don't think i have a goal to my marriage or a goal to my relationship they just think i want a companion i want to enjoy myself in this life with another person i guess i haven't sat and thought about you know where do we see this going in the next five years what's our strategic plan threes you guys think that way and a little bit of that can be really good but a lot of that could be exhausting to people that aren't threes a lot of that could be overwhelming um it could be a challenge for many types to sort of think of their relationships in those terms so something that does not have goals naturally associated with it like relationships you know goals could be supplied but it isn't natural i think for most of us to think in terms of our relationships in terms of goals like what's the goal of my relationship with my kids with my dad with my with my friends with my parents with my with my wife with my you know with my community life my i i i know i don't sit and think about that so that's going to be something that other types may not may not be their orientation so things that don't have goals naturally associated with them like relationships may end up with goals being attached to them or i think a three might have a tendency to just lose interest in it um if if the goals are not clear and it's not objective and i can't see progress and i can't see that we're moving forward and gaining ground and accomplishing something then i think a three might get frustrated and if they don't supply goals to it they might tend to withdraw from it like sort of like well i wanted to i wanted to find that special someone i found them i married them i checked that off the list now on to the next goal and realized that that could be crushing for the person that you're in relationship with okay i i was an accomplishment and now that objective is complete now you don't need to focus any more attention on me because there's new goals that uh have got your attention i'm all wrapped up you know this deal is done and i'm all wrapped up you've got me so now you're going to move on to other things that could leave a lot of people feeling like they've been left behind feeling like they're not really a priority anymore to you okay so threes believe that love's love comes from achievement image and status again i didn't write that okay i found that i don't know i don't know whether i completely you know understand that mindset but i think it's interesting and i thought it was worth worth pointing out on this video threes believe that love comes from achievement image and status so in their quest to achieve greater and greater results they tend to neglect their own personal needs or their own relationship needs or sometimes maybe even the needs of others they may see their partner's untapped potential and go about trying to push them to achieve more the goals that they have for them they help their partner become a better version of themselves this may be appreciated by their partner and it may not be appreciated you know maybe your partner doesn't want to be a project isn't interested in self-improvement isn't interested in in having a perfect physique isn't interested in crushing goals at work or or stocking away more money in the bank maybe your partner just wants to uh to enjoy their life and they don't think of enjoying themselves in terms of reaching goals at the gym so this may not be appreciated by by the person that that you're in relationship with three show up in relationships and much the same way they show up in life with optimism optimistic thinking the best is going to take place believing in confidence in themselves that they can make the best results happen a desire for excellence and a can do attitude okay threes have all of that they have a positive outlook they have a desire for excellence and they have a can-do attitude like hey this could be better let's make it better let's take strategic steps let's take action steps let's do the work let's do what's required now that orients you toward a healthy relationship if it's not taken and pushed to an extreme i mean i'm glad that threes i'm glad that you have that orientation like let's make things better good let's make things better but just realize that sometimes you can kill the golden goose by trying to make it better you can a relationship think of it like this okay the person that you're that you're married to or the person that you're in relationship with is not a problem that needs to be solved they are not a project that needs to be completed they're not a project that needs to be monitored assessed evaluated not they're not a person that needs to be pushed by you and motivated by you to hey you know are you ready for a new you the person that you're in relationship with is a person that needs to be loved and just realize that you may not have any idea how to do that um love for a three is probably going to look like let's do stuff together let's improve let's reach goals let's accomplish let's love is not always doing love is also a state of mind an attitude a way that you show up present what you open up and reveal about yourself those can be very difficult for threes to get in touch with their feelings and to unmask themselves in intimate relationships a lot of types that's what they crave a lot of people crave that in relationships and i think to some degree threes probably crave that too it just may be that they're not necessarily sure how to go about getting that again your tendency is to turn it into a strategic plan okay well then what do i need to do let's break this down you know step one step two step three and let's set objectives and let's set progress um you know that whole way of thinking could be jamming up the health of your relationships your good intentions to make it better can turn it into a project or a problem that needs to be solved or a project that needs to be completed a task that needs to be checked off a box and most of us don't want to feel like we're something that needs to be improved or there's something that needs to be checked off of a box okay some of we just want to be loved we just want to be uh companions okay friends all right so positive orientation believes their own ability can affect change difficulty being in the presence of negativity so threes have a difficult time being in the presence of negativity they like to be the best at everything they do they want to improve themselves and they really like to be seen as being competent being seen as being good at things they can be loving thoughtful and kind they work hard to build positive relationships and connections and can become a very deeply committed partner highly adaptable again that can be a very good thing to be highly adaptable in other words what does my partner need out of me okay i'm going to try to become more of that if i find out what they admire and what they need and what what what they like than the three might try to become more of that to demonstrate more of that to be a more admirable uh partner that's a good thing to be highly adaptable of course can you see that there's a negative side to that as well kind of like you could end up kind of a rudderless ship you know sort of whatever the person needs me to be or whatever will make this better or whatever will improve then i'll become that i will change my tone and change my cadence and change my appearance and change my in order to be the best companion i can be or the best relational partner for this person that i can be and to improve our relationship so highly adaptable may become the best fit for what they believe is expected in the relationship okay self-presentation can alter their self-presentation can alter in order to enhance their effectiveness and i think threes do this very well at work you know where they if if a outspoken dominant person is needed they might move into that role if a quiet uh supportive uh person is needed in this environment then you might see them adapt and move into that role uh becoming what they need to be in order to make things better in order to show up and improve the outcomes self-presentation alters to enhance effectiveness the approach will shift in response or in different occasions wants their partner to be happy with them so they may adapt to meet the desires of their partner again now that's a very good thing taken on the surface i wish more people were more adaptable you know where we sort of realized oh my wife needs me to show up in this way or my husband really needs more of you know this and so i'm going to try to to show that to them so that they feel loved and so that they can feel like you know they're secure and so they can feel happy with this relationship but again like a like a like a ship without a rudder or without a strong sense of personal identity a strong emotional center it could seem a little too natural to take your cues from other people figure out what am i supposed to look like in this situation what is what is going to be the best way to orient myself in this situation to give them what they want and in this sense you can kind of become a master of appearance a master of appearance but appearances you know can be deceiving if that's not really who you are if it's not really realize i guess it's just helpful threes to maybe realize that other types don't necessarily do this as easy as you might do it i think it can be a good thing but it can also become dangerous resentment can build when you feel like you have to adapt so much of yourself and mitigate so much of yourself in order to get along with others it creates the opportunity for resentment to begin to grow within you like i'm giving all of this i'm saying no to myself so much i'm compromising so much of who i am and what i want and my objectives in order to relate to this person how come they're not appreciating that how come they're not appreciating everything that i'm pouring into this i don't feel like i'm getting the best deal i could and resentment may begin to grow when you adapt yourself you open the door for when you adapt yourself to that extent you certainly open the door to resentment when you adapt yourself to that extent realize that part of the reason you may be able to do that is you don't really know yourself that well it's hard for three sometimes to differentiate who they are from the roles they feel it's kind of like the roles i'm feeling the jobs i'm doing the way i'm showing up to be present in my world in these specific roles like actors you can start to lose who you are in in in putting on the face for all of those different roles okay and that i think is the heart of what that deceit is about um in terms of the sin of the three the mask you you over identify with the mask like in order for this marriage to be good i've got to show up in this way with my wife and that's nice that you're adaptable like that remember there's an opportunity for resentment to grow and also if you show up in that way is that really you showing up um or is it a version of you that is more successful and makes the marriage more successful but it may not really be you genuinely intimately showing up in that relationship but an exterior exterior persona of you an image of you okay deep stuff i don't claim to have it all figured out okay i really don't i never have in all these videos i don't claim to have it all figured out i'm a student i'm learning i'm trying to understand it i'm trying to share with you the stuff i'm wrestling with so that i can better understand you know each of the persons and and what their orientation is in their relationships and why their relationships sometimes don't work okay i'm just trying to understand it myself so threes appreciate it when their partner is supportive and encouraging and appreciates them there's some degree in which you know a healthy three is like a good cheerleader rather than becoming the most valuable player all the time they cheer the whole team on to win and that's that three line to six right i think that threes really do need and want that appreciation like you're looking over your shoulder what other people are how they are responding and getting your cues from them and threes want i believe want appreciation validation support encouragement admiration they the things that they kind of give they're wanting that from others one of the books i read said three children children that are threes wanted to be appreciated more than any other type on the enneagram yeah that's amazing isn't it i mean i think of the threes as being that child that says daddy watch me watch me watch me watch me you know it's like i'm going to do this thing i need you to see it and i need to see that you were impacted by it i'm going to dive off the high diving board i'm going to compete in this tournament i'm going to i'm going to um to play this song on the piano i need you to see it and to approve of it and to give me that validation and that sense of self value watch me okay so three children wanted to be appreciated more than any other type on the enneagram showing appreciation to a three is the most important thing you can do i thought that was a rather powerful line um i don't know whether it's true or not i really don't but i thought it was pretty cut and dry stated the most important thing you can do is show appreciation two or three i guess if you're in relationship with a three try it and see try it and see see if it is like uh see if it inflates them you know in a good way like if you're breathing oxygen into them just start showing them appreciation just start showing them admiration and see what happens and see if it builds them up and fills them up and if you are a three you might want to pay attention to how much of this do i really need from others and why do i need so much of it from others maybe you don't maybe you don't feel like you needed it at all um but it might be interesting for you if you are a three to just check that and see you know like think like this would i still do the things i'm doing if i didn't get any recognition or appreciation for it you know i think ones could say yes to that ones are waking up with a to-do list of stuff that needs to be done um i wonder if and eights as well eights i don't think one you appreciate them and they might they might smirk at you for it like why are you telling me that i don't need you to tell me that you thought that was great get out of my face uh but as a three you might just check yourself and say if i didn't get the award at the end of the year salesman of the year award if i didn't get any recognition for it if i didn't get any pay advance if i got paid the same no matter what and i didn't get a plaque at the end of it i got no recognition for it would i still be as motivated to work so hard at this if there was no recognition or attention or appreciation or admiration associated with it how much of what i'm doing am i doing not only because i need to feel like i'm improving and meeting goals but how much of what i'm doing is being motivated by the crowd around me and what they think about me that might be a good gut check for for you guys that are threes because it's fine if you want to do those things just are you doing them because it's what you really want to do um that is something worth thinking about and if it's not you might want to get in touch with you and find out well what do i want to do what would i do if i didn't get any kind of recognition for it and you might start tapping into your true self down there you know like what is it i really care about i don't even like back biking and yeah i'm entering competitions i'm entering competitions and i'm training but i don't even really like mountain biking and i think threes could end up like that like involved in all of these pursuits that honestly they don't even really care about but they they're they're addicted to the moving to the next goal that becomes the uh the objective the same thing happens with sevens you know we get we're gluttons and so you know i've seen guys they have electric guitars they have 30 guitars behind them and they just ordered a new one and they're reviewing it on youtube and look at all these guitars and you think wow they really love to play the guitar not necessarily they like getting new ones gluttony they like getting new guitars and they like the latest and the greatest and they want to be connoisseurs of them but they may not even like playing them they just like having them and like getting the next one so we have our own problems all right s7s that video is coming all right so where are we at here um if they are receiving it now listen to this if they are receiving attention for their accomplishments for what they're achieving they will continue to chase that feeling they may not know when to stop i think that's probably true remember three has a line to nine because for one thing you need to know when to rest you need to know when to stop in other words the line that you disintegrate to think of that line as saying you need to do what i do or you're going to end up where i am right and so the nine sloth one of the first things the nine might say to a three is wow you're really working too hard you should slow down you need to pace yourself and if a three doesn't learn how to pace themselves and learn when to stop and pause and just rest and just be then they might push themselves to the point of exhaustion or the point of fractured relationships or the point of no return where they end up damaged to the point where they can't go on do what i do or you'll end up where i am or end up feeling what i feel okay so let me read that again if they are receiving attention for their accomplishments they continue to chase the feeling so see it's no longer about the actual event that they're involved in whether it be running whether it be sales whether it be mountain biking whether it be swimming whether it be horseback riding it's not necessarily a love for what you're doing but a love for achieving goals bettering yourself validation from others okay they may focus too much on how they are perceived as a couple by others um rather than actually working on building a better marriage working on building the better facade of a marriage so i need other people to think that things are going well i need other people to think that things on on the outside you know look great but how much time are you actually invested in really building and strengthening the relationship afraid of failure and afraid of relationship failure so let's talk about conflict and communication uh threes want deep emotionally fulfilling relationships but one of the problems is sharing can be difficult for threes kind of the thinking might go like this if people get really close to me they might see my failures they might they might see beneath the exterior and they might see my shortcomings and that's a lot of pressure well that's intimacy intimacy is seeing people in their vulnerability intimacy is unclothed is seeing people for who they actually are and you know that inherent problem of threes is they may not know who they actually are they may not really be in touch with who they actually are or they may think that who they actually are pales in comparison to the external persona that is what everybody sees and so if people got to know me they would see that there's just a small person you know at the wheels and they might not really want to relate to me they might not really love me for me they might feel a little bit like a phony you know like like like they don't really belong in the roles that they are in and people might get get away become aware of that when there is conflict i think threes prefer direct straightforward clear communication but kind kind notice it's got that two wing to it right needs to be kind and compassionate and careful criticism is hard for threes to hear especially if it's about their image or about how they are doing in the roles that they fulfill criticism can be extremely hard for threes especially if it feels unjust or unwarranted i think if it's stated in a healthy in a healthy way like let's say instead of criticism let's say critical feedback i think critical feedback threes are all about that they're all about improving themselves and so if we're giving critical feedback so that we can evaluate and then you know remodel ourselves for a better approach next time critical feedback might be appreciated by threes criticism might be hard for threes to hear critical feedback is one of the keys to improvement and threes are all about improvement always seeking to improve when there is criticism i think it's going to be hard for threes to think that they've disappointed you remember they're the kid watch me watch me watch me and they play their little piano and everybody goes oh wow it's so wonderful tearing and they like that right so when they play their their sonnet and people go uh boo thumbs down boo that's gonna be hard for a three you know to receive that they don't want to fail they don't want failure is not an option failure is not is not the goal right it's not reaching the goal and if they feel like their relationship is failing they're going to try to figure things out they're going to like step back regroup let's get this down on paper let's try to understand this no they have a line to six right sixes are problem solvers and you're gonna see them like the wheels turning of like what do i need to do how and again they have a high locus of control so what do i need to do how do i need to change my tactics what strategy do i need to employ how do i need to show up in this role in order to change the results in order to get different results and they're going to be very methodical and strategic and action-oriented and pragmatic and what is going to work to get different results now i realize none of that necessarily feels like like you love me none of that if if the problem is i don't feel loved in the relationship and you go into that critical problem solving what do i need to do to bring about different results and what what buttons do i need to push to make you know that's not the same thing as showing up fully and loving somebody they might get the feeling like you're just in this problem solving objective mode rational mode trying to figure things out again like i'm a problem to be solved and not a person to be related to or a person to to be loved i think threes are going to try to solve their problems with like rational competence critical thinking let's get a solution to this problem which again much of the time will be great but sometimes might not be appreciated may come across a little bit emotionally sterile like i'm gonna regroup and i'm gonna solve this problem like yeah but are you heartbroken look we just said that maybe i'm gonna take the kids and split up and maybe it's time for us to go our separate ways and you're working on this like it's a project at work are you crushed are you broken are there tears in your eyes can you get in touch with your feelings can you tell me that you love me and that you want to stay and that you're sorry see that might not be the direction the three goes in they might go into like unless they think well that's what you want me to say and that's what you need in order to fix this and then i'll fill that role and say what it is you need me to say and there's the deceit right the acting the i feel like in this role i should be having these feelings so i'm going to have these feelings because that's the expected feelings that i should have in this role and that you want me to have in order to get the results i just want you to see how i'm dissecting this that's not the same thing as i love you and want you to stay and i'm sorry for the you know the way i've treated you and that's not the same thing as opening up your heart and and intimately making yourself vulnerable to the other person okay i hope this is clicking with you is clicking with me that's the first battle right is i got to make it make sense to me [Laughter] okay so threes might respond to conflict in one of two ways like a nine act like it never happened and move on with life and hope that the universe will just sort it out and whatever problems are going on in this relationship hopefully you can fix them without me or go straight to the source and face it head on their decision may be based on what will make them look better to family members to their church family to their community to their employer to the kids you might see explosive anger in the three if their goal is being blocked or thwarted in some way or you're making them look bad or humiliating them in the public eye you might see explosive anger intimacy okay another drink of water intimacy being open with each other being vulnerable with each other so threes are often very energetic people who are charismatic and charming and that is often very contagious they know what to do to make others like them they know what to do in order to charm others they know how to show up in a way that other people will admire they study the room they see what people admire and then they become versions of that they can be extremely social and extremely playful with a very fun outgoing demeanor but one of the things i read in the book i thought was interesting was they may play at intimacy their lo their their efforts at being intimate may be difficult and it may feel like they're playing or playing a role at being intimate they're often so focused on their goals that they don't necessarily take a lot of time to slow down and really connect with others remember there's a fear that what if people aren't satisfied with me what if what if what if they're not happy with who i really am and if people really got to know me they may see there's less there than i that is on the outside and so they don't necessarily take time to connect um stuck in that performance mode of doing rather than being in relationship and threes can be experts at multitasking which again can be a very good thing but in a relationship it may you may feel like you don't have their full undivided attention like they're focused on many things and you are just one of them underneath their exterior they crave emotional connection but aren't always sure how to get it they may seem on the outside as being highly competent highly assured of themselves very self-assured and that they don't need validation from their partner but that's not necessarily true they do need validation from their partner they do need encouragement they do need admiration they do need a cheerleader an appreciation from their partner and if their partner will show that and and it and it looks like their partner is happy with them i think a three will feel much more secure and content in that relationship they feel more connected when they feel valued and that they are a priority to their partner now notice that they want to be a priority to you but it might be difficult for them to help you feel like you're a priority to them because they have multi-task they have lots of goals and they're moving on to those greater goals they long to feel desired and verbally be told how loved they are opening up and becoming vulnerable and feeling their feelings could be very uncomfortable although they're in the center of the feeling group they're disconnected from their feelings so feelings are like speed bumps that slow you down and we've got things to achieve right feelings can get in the way of accomplishing tasks and making progress they can feel stressed by the demands of a close emotional relationship as they become more comfortable with their partner they let down their guard they let the exterior masks fall away to some degree and and that constant need to shape shift to become a better partner themselves they start to allow the door to open a little bit so that intimate relationship can actually occur appearances are very important to threes being fully comfortable means not um allowing means allowing their partner to see them as they are not as they might show up in all of their roles in other words that need to be on all of the time they kind of relax that a little bit and they don't have to wear on as much makeup they don't have to wear as much stage makeup they can just be comfortable that's real intimacy with the three allows the mass to come off and reveal the person underneath if their partner is not happy threes are going to work to genuinely try to make their partner happy threes fear failure and if the relationship is failing they will try to improve it or they might feel like it's it's a losing proposition go to nine and kind of give up on it who am i if i can't get results if if if we're going to talk about problems and let's focus on solutions and doables it feels stressful to open up and talk about problems and then not to then move to a strategic plan let's move to a strategic plan [Music] what if your partner tells you that i'm sick and tired of strategic plans i'm not a project that needs to be fixed i want you to care about this marriage i'm sick and tired of feeling like the only way we can be connected is if i do everything you want to do how do you solve that with okay i understand your heart i'm sorry for your disappointment now let's make a strategic plan [Laughter] probably not going to work as well as you hope right it makes sense in your mind i can see how it makes sense but okay so what are some realistic steps let's get to some do-ables we like doables right especially threes let's get to some realistic steps well learn to distinguish yourself from the roles that you are playing you know if you are a counselor at work and you are a deacon at the church and you can over identify with those personas those those roles and when you peel back all the layers of the onion what's at the center what's at the core that's what we're talking about is let's work on the core self differentiate between your real feelings and the feelings you think you should have because other people expect you to have those feelings how do you really feel about things threes can focus so much attention and energy on their goals uh that their partner might feel like they're sort of getting the leftovers so let's make sure that we give our best to the people we love the most and not give our best away to the people that quote unquote don't matter as much let's make sure we give our best to our our closest people and they're not an afterthought they're not just getting the leftovers now that may mean that you get out a calendar and you put dates with your family and dates with your husband or with your wife and make it a priority and then make it you know an objective that you're going to have so many hours per week uninterrupted devoted on connecting with this person that's a good thing for a three it's a good thing for all of us but i think that might be good thinking for a three to make their partner a priority to make their relationship a priority and make sure that this doesn't just turn into another project that you're working on an intimate friendship not a person to not a problem to be solved be cautious of improving your relationship rather maybe think sometimes of just enjoying the relationship just enjoying the company just enjoying uh being together no one wants to feel like they're a project that needs improving like they're an old house that needs to be restored notice your tendency to turn things into competition and your desire to always be improving things so you might be you might try doing things that you're not good at and and laughing at yourself and saying i've never played tennis i'm no good at tennis i'm gonna start playing tennis and i'm not going to set goals for myself i'm not going to try to improve i'm just going to try to enjoy the game and see how awkward that feels to start something new with no objectives except to enjoy it this is just going to be fishing with my son we're just going to fish we're not trying to reach any kind of goals we're not trying to become masters at this we're not out to prove anything except that we can have a good time just being together doing fun things together that might be difficult for you and it would be great to push yourself to relax and not put objectives at every increment to see if you're making progress so notice your tendency to turn things into improvement plans or competitions just do things do things you're not good at do things you fail at do things just for the fun of it stop just stop and focus on being just present to life being more honest being more authentic to yourself threes must take time to focus on their partner without distraction the pace that you live your life at can be exhausting to yourself of course but also to the other people that have to try to catch up with you and try to relate to you so threes might need to slow down accept failure as a natural part of life failure is something all of us experience everybody's going to have ups and downs relationships will have ups and downs and don't worry so much about how other people are perceiving your failures your ups and downs just say out loud i'm growing and growing means i take two steps forward and one step back and my failures are just a part of my story and it's just a part of who i am and people will often relate more to your failures than they will to your successes be careful if you're with the three not to embarrass them publicly threes are very conscious and conscientious of how they're perceived by others so be careful with uh you know having your fights in public just because the three looks confident doesn't mean that they don't need your encouragement support and validation they do and you may need to schedule time with your three put it on the calendar and make it a priority all right so i hope that was helpful i hope that was encouraging to you thank you for making it through this video and as always be present to life and of course for threes there's multi-layers with what that means to be present to life and i think at the highest level it's letting all the masks fall aside and the little child that's in you showing up and being present to life um and enjoying today with all of its failures and with all of its problems and being present to your relationship even if it's not the best um being present to it as it is and loving the people in your life for who they are and letting people know you and love you for who you are not the persona on the outside thank you guys i'll see you next time

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 8,339

Rating: 4.9834709 out of 5

Keywords: enneagram, type 3, type three, parenting, marriage, relationships, personalities, love, family

Id: WFcP9aIJXmg

Length: 61min 18sec (3678 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 26 2021